This might not be as important as some of these messages posted. However, I need some advice. I found out that my H has been corresponding via e-mai with another women. I can tell by their e-mails that they have never met...but their e-mails are very friendly and there is a lot of flirting going on. Another thing that bothers me is that my H was pretending to be single. I was very surprised to read these. We are very religious and I felt like we were satisfied with each other and our marriage. I guess I never thought this would happen to me. I am very hurt and of course very angry. I have confronted him and he was very apologetic. He says he loves me and that he got caught up in what started as a game. Anyway, any advice in how I should handle this?<P>Thanks!

What you describe sounds like an Emotional Affair (EA). It may or may not be serious now, but it has the potential to be VERY serious.<P>I suggest you post your question on the Infidelity/General Questions board. There are lots of people on that board who would be happy (and more qualified than I) to advise you on the best way to handle your situation.<P>

Dear Red Roses<BR>I can appreciate your feelings. It is always a shock to find out that there are parts of a spouse that we never knew about.<P>I am not that qualified to recommend a course of action, but can at least share some thoughts.<P>One of the painful things that I have had to get to grips with is that we only have control over our own behaviours, actions etc.<P>Firstly, did you believe your husband when he offered his explanation for his actions? If so, then I would leave that issue at that. <P>Secondly, I would suggest at the same time, that you try and use it not as a warning that things are on the down, but as a sort of a wakeup call to look hard and objectively at your marriage.<P>Are you taking eachother for granted? Has any part of your relationship gone stale? Have you both let the pressures of life rob you of time together and romance. <P>If so, why not try reintroducing some of the things that you first did together, plan something exciting and different, go on an unusual date.<P>You might ask why do I think that you should make any further effort when your husband has hurt you. Well I have learned the hard way that to repay our received hurts causes a funny sort of downward spiral where each one is waiting for the other one to pick things up.<P>Perhaps some of these reintroductions can work to bring you closer together, which might lead to the sort of climate in which you can truly share what you felt about his actions which were probably more along the lines of anxiety and insecurity. He, in turn, may be able to expand a bit more on why he did what he did which might serve to set your heart at ease.<P>At the very least, you would be really communicating which could be the solution to avoiding any further problems like this in the future.

Thank you guys for your comments. I talked with him last night and realized that he needs affection and admiration as much as I do. It was difficult for me to swallow...that I am part of the reason this is happening. But, after reading some of the problems on this board...I guess I see it as an eye opener. At this moment, I am setting pride behind me and going to change my ways. <BR>I have to make sure my husband is first and my work and family will all fall into place.<P>Thanks,<BR>again

Dear Red Roses:<BR>The exact same thing happenned to me. I also confronted my husband and he said nothing was going on. Emails told me another story. Anyway, what this was was an emotional affair. I cried and was hurt. He ended the affair with her (but I also helped with that by calling her at work and then talking to the director of her job and telling him that she was too busy on the phone and emails with my husband to be doing any type of work. Her job was threatened if she called or emailed him). Anyway, try to go to counseling with your husband because there is a reason why he is going on the internet and doing emails with someone else instead of paying attention to you and your marriage. Something is lacking withhim for him to have gone and done this. Through counseling or even if the both of you can seriously sit down and talk rationally and straight with one another, maybe you can find out what your hsuband is feeling. Don't punish him. Forgive him (if he apologizes) and move on with the relationship. If you are going to hold this over his head or keep bringing it up and not willing to let it go, then it will not be a good thing for your marriage. You need for your marriage to go forward. By doing so, you need to be understand and both need to be committed to the marriage.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Red Roses:<BR><B>Thank you guys for your comments. I talked with him last night and realized that he needs affection and admiration as much as I do. It was difficult for me to swallow...that I am part of the reason this is happening. But, after reading some of the problems on this board...I guess I see it as an eye opener. At this moment, I am setting pride behind me and going to change my ways. <BR>I have to make sure my husband is first and my work and family will all fall into place.<P>Thanks,<BR>again</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>i am also married 17yrs,2kids and a dog.knew everything wasnt "perfect" but never expected or imagined(as did not own a pc til xmas of 98)how my world would be blown apart whn i atoo found "stuff" in pc 4 days after xmas!!it was only my husbands response that prompted more hurt and suspicion on my end.when i read every line of every help screen and dug up everything in pc i was then moved to the phone(more info til he put a "password" so i couldnt access any more info> )then i realized oh my god...he had pc at work(own business-so no one to "supervise" him)for 5yrs that i know of and the cell phone and beepers...hindsight is 20/20. Had my h reacted like yours to begin with it probably would've ended with me being just hurt but instead he went over the top with his denials and like one of your kids you KNOW when he is lying.(aside from common sense)i now realize that way back when(i mean 10 years ago) when i begged him to go to counselling,and then went alone that i should have kept going!! he might have ended up coming too and we could have avoided all of this crapola...we are now in counselling(seperately( but he is still in denial.dont know where we will end up but now know that SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH although i dont want a divorce, i cant "settle"4 anything but a true partnership of a marriage AND the hardest part that i stillwork on is that i need to learn that the best thing for my marriage and my kids and me and him is for ME to work on just being the best and happiest ME first.i realize now that with the best of intentions of course,i "allowed" myself to give up pieces of myself and permitted things (mostly to avoid the "fights") that i knew were preludes to disaster.have told my husband numerous times and would suggest to you too that believe it or not,THIS COULD BE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED FOR YOU MARRIAGE...IF YOU LET IT BE AND IF BOTH OF YOU CAN LET ITBE.dont know ur h but must say that his being honest with u and even simply acknowledging your pain is something i still wish for.go with ur instincts,be true to yourself and do not put anything first before YOU.that's what we all do as women i think.the best thing for your kids and your marriage is for you to be whole.figure out what that means for you (and he will figure out his stuff) and with any luck you will find that only then will everything else fall into place.you cant make someone else "happy and whole" and they cant do that for you but God could u just imagine two happy and whole people teaming up as husband and wife and mom and dad?? not only would you as a team be inseperable,but as individuals you'd see all the warning lights an hear the bells and whistles when "trouble" calls...and maybe be able to work on things before they even happen??? this is my dream and now my goal...am hoping my h can come too but i know im goin for it...sounds like you and yours have same dream and goal...May the force be with you!!<P>

O.K., here I go...up on my pulpit..<P>You say that both of you are very religious, but he needs to realize that in the eyes of God, he was "mentally" commiting adultery. In some fashion he was lusting after another woman or the thought of another woman.<P>I also agree with the other posts, there is a reason that he felt the need to find fulfillment for what he is missing in your marriage with an "innocent" online encounter. There is a very good chance that he never actually considered meeting this person, but you finding out is a blessing in disguise as you can now rebuild the marriage.<P>With the proper understanding of what both of you have been lacking in the relationship, you may very well be on the road to creating a very strong, long lasting, and loving relationship together.<P>Although you are angry with him, you must understand and realize that you are both at fault, but you have been given an opportunity to fix it before it gets out of hand.<P>Try this: <A HREF="http://www.ratedg.com/chapman/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.ratedg.com/chapman/</A> <P>Good luck!<BR>