We are all facing custody issues .Once we move past the betrayal phase we start to focus on the children we have and how important they are to us. Generally the WS tends to be very self centered and narcissistic and hand us our children without even knowing it. Their needs are always more important then the children they have and the BS always ends up picking up the pieces and fighting for custody. Every state is different but it’s important that we share our experiences and possible save others from costly mistakes”like losing your children”. Talk about your issues, fears and concerns. It’s enough to deal with betrayal on an everyday basis but if we must, lets win the end game “our children”.
Adams

Very good post Adam.

I am saddened when the wrong person gets the children, and I still think father's rights have a long way to go.

Have you talked to GSN? He post often on Emotional Needs. His research could be a great help to fathers trying to seek custody.

Take care,

ANNA

Adam,

Here's one of GSN's threads relating to the topic.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=011955

ANNA

Hi Anna,

Thanks for reading the post. Custody is a big issue and after its all said and done the most important. I hope your ok. As for me i can't wait to move on with my life and have my children. The wasted energy and financial demands of divorce cheat people of the most important part of life "time".

Be Good.

This is the one area of my separation that has been okay. We have a custody agreement in place with the court, I have 5/14 overnights, and it's been working.

Right after D-day in Feb 2001, I threatened to seek full custody (i.e., not plan A). I rented an apartment in the same school district. More importantly, I was a full-time telecommuter then, and I have flexible hours now. I believe all three were instrumental in getting this agreement.

My biggest concern right now, bigger than all the money issues, is that she might relocate after the divorce. How does a father stop this? How to prepare ahead of time?

Here is my dilema on the whole custody thing.

My wife has worked as a Bartender/Waitress since we have been married. So needless to say I have worked days, her nights, and at busy times we would only catch each other coming and going and then at night late when she got home.

Being a VP of Operations, I made plenty of money and there was a time that the wife worked on a few days a week, just to give her a little run around money, and money for incidentals for the family. But that never stopped her from being gone almost nightly, either with girl scouts (we have two boys, go figure), or something else she would dream up (need something at the store, gonna go up to work and see what's up, etc.)

Since June 10 she has worked at a new place that just opened (national steakhouse chain with a big haired lady), so she has had to work a full schedule as opposed to her couple times a week. Which is where she met her Car Salesman/Love of her life.

For the last two months she has not seen our 7 year old, except in passing on the weekends as she is going out "Becuase I am not happy, and I don't feel like being in this house". But again, she was never really home for a length of time anyway, it seems for the last 3 years (Which she says in when she was no longer IN love with me, and was unhappy).

So nightly the boys only are accustomed to me being there. Feeding them, bathing them, homework, playtime, tv time, the whole nine yards was with me. She wouldn't do a thing with them, homework made her agrivated when son was stumped, hence I was always there to tell her to go into the other room and I would sit with him to figure it out.

All of our friends, both the ones hanging in there with us, and those that she no longer associates with, tell me that they don't know how I could have stood for her living two different lives for so long. To me, if it appeared she was happy I would not say anything, unless her being gone got out of hand, like everynight, or such.

So when I gave all the info to my attorney he put in for me to have custody of the kids. She stated she wanted to have custodial, I would have them at night, and when she was done with work, going out, etc, she would come and pick them up. I don't think it is fair to wake the boys up in the middle of the night to haul them off to who knows where she will be living (all cases point to OM, who lives with his mom and his two kids.). I absolutely refuse to allow my two boys to be sleeping in my house one night, and then the day the DV is final, she takes them down to this strange place, with strange people, and tell them, 'This is where you are gonna live now". That total burns me up and crushes my heart.

She has stated she wants to have her wild life, since she didn't get to have one because she went from a sexually abusive step father directly to me. (I was the only man to stand up for her, and I am sure that is why the marriage happened in the first place, even though I love this woman the whole wide world.)

So now I am at the crossroads, today or tommorrow she will be served with the papers, in which it has me getting custody of the kids. I am NOT going to keep them from her, but I think a stable environment is something they need. Who is to say that she don't marry this dude 2 days after the divorce, and six months from now he turns into a maniac. She has only known him for a little over 2 months.

So when the papers arrive at her work, and he will undooubtedly be there, as he has been everyday for the last 2 months, she will see alot of grounds for divorce.

1.emotional detachment and cruelty
2. Adultry
3. irretrievibly broken
4. Coming and going when she pleases
5. Not seeing the 7 year old, and putting the 3 year in daycare, even though she doesn't work during the day.

etc.

She is gonna come at me with all guns blazing, with her common phrase: "You are trying to say I am an unfit mother." I am not saying that, she is a good parent when it suits her schedule, or needs to show off a little. But as far as daily, she could be a lot better. I want the boys with me, not to hang over her head like she thinks, but because I KNOW, I will be there to provide for them, care for them, and love them. She wants the kids because it would mean 1500 month in CS that will supplement her bartending tips and his car commissions, and allow them to get a place of their own (Hence her insistance the house and car I drive be removed from her name immediately, because she needs to get something else.)

So,,, when she comes at me with the guns blazing about the custody issue, how is the best to handle it?

1. Ignore her
2. Politely say, we'll let the courts decide
3. Tell her that I know the kids will be better with me, and not with a strange family of a man you know very little about, but are head over heels in love with, and that I'll be damned before a stranger and his momma raise the 2 angels I have raised for the last 7 and 3 years.?

Adivce?

Hurting,,
WOW,,,seems almost like my life,except im the mom and my stbxh,,pulled the same garbage...it sure stinks...Just politely tell her you will let the court decide..and document EVERYTHING!!!! Sadly,,my stbxh (who i still love madly),,spends more time now with our son,,than ever before,..be strong freind!!!!

Hurting in Georgia Again - I haven't logged in for a long time and I'm not up to speed with your story. I did years ago go through a very long custody battle. It's the worst part of a divorce. Although I am the woman and the one that ended up with custody I do think that when custody battles are started it's more about money then it is the children in some cases. That's because a lot of states (at least the state I am in) only considers the NCP's salary and not the salary of the parent with custody. If I would have taken what the courts would have given me my poor ex wouldn't be able to support himself. My current husband also has an ex that he pays a huge amt. of support too. He pays a good 2,000 per month to a woman who makes 50,000 herself. How come she doesn't have to financially support her children?? I think if both parents were more financially responsible there would not be so many custody battles. There are many wonderful fathers that not only loose custody but also pay a huge amt. in support each month. The sad thing though is that it's a long process to change. Each State is very different and I think your wise to be up to date on the laws in your State.

MZ Boots and Sept,

I have documented everything, I have kept a running journal for almost two months, of ever conversation, where she has gone, and what she has did.

I've spent over 3000.00 on the attorney so far, and more then that on a Private Investigator.

I have alot of support of people she used to hang around with until the other man came along, in which they have / or will give depositions on what she used to do before this all happened (same stuff, just with bunch of people instead of Car Salesman). They all know how I was home all the time, and she would give the excuses that I didn't want to come along, or there was no one to watch the babies.

As far as laws go in the State, I've read everything from there is not a snowballs chance in hell of me getting the kids, even if the mom is on every illegal drug, to that custody would be awarded to the parent most able to provide the children with as close to the same stable environment as when there were two parents at home.

On one hand, I want it to all be over, so I don't have to go through the pain of losing all three at different times, and on the other, I look at her when I see her, and wonder where the wonderful woman I married is hiding in that body of hers.

The quote of the week from her so far: " Why would spend that much money on someone to follow me, when you could have used it to build US a fence?"

or

"I never said I didn't love you, maybe it's me, maybe in a month I'll realize it was all a mistake."----fast forward 2 hours----, "I'm done, I've been unhappy for 3 years, you want to me stay in house and marriage that I am miserable in?"

Trav