For 2 yrs my H has been involved with another woman. He says they haven't had sex. This affair hurt so much...with or without sex. I've tried talking and i get nothing. My H bought a bar and guess who is there every wknd. He says she is there to meet one of the women that work there. I say he should have asked her NOT to come there to meet anyone. His actions tell me that he still wants her in his life. He is unwilling to say anything to her. There have been so many lies. Am i nuts?

Sad--I’m sorry your circumstances bring you here, but it’s a good place. And personally, I’m very happy TO see you here! My H manages a strip club and hopes to own a (regular) bar some day.<P>I can probably relate to some of your problems. Before the strip club, H bartended at a popular pool/dance hall. His Ex went there, a past fling literally turned stalker hung out every weekend, and H always stirs a lot of interest. I remember sitting at the bar one night while he worked, listening to two women negotiate the timing of putting their money on the bar so HE would take their orders and not the other bartender. “Look at him, whew,” “That hair, mmm, check out the body,” “Yeah, think we can entice him to come back home with us,” “Uh-huh.” They shuffled away after H leaned over the bar to kiss me. Maybe they noticed his wedding band then—not that it would have stopped them by itself! And even though he was completely professional in dealing with them, it still weirded me out a little. But hey, now there’s strippers in the mix. Wanna see my psych ward certificate??? (just kidding) <P>Your H runs an entertainment/service oriented business. I’ll bet from his perspective, he doesn’t want to make waves by asking her to stay away. He’s thinking about it from a work standpoint. And good business means lots of customers, including people he doesn’t necessarily like personally, himself! He may also be stubborn in his male pride, not wanting it to appear he’s “minding you” when he thinks he’s handling things by himself? <P>Do you check out what’s going on at the bar yourself by dropping by? I need to do that more myself so I’ll settle a few frayed nerves that have been squeaking recently.<P>IMHO, I’d recommend working on trusting your H. Part of that comes from within you, and part of that will be help from him. In order to GET that help from him, communication techniques will be oh-so-so important! <P>Am I anywhere near the mark? I’d like to hear more if you want to share. Thanks!<P>Laura<P><BR>

Thanks Luck, yes you hit it on the head. I just couldn't help but feel so disreepected by him allowing her in his business. And no, i don't get to go to the bar. H use to ask me to go and i always went. Seems he quit asking me when she showed up. Sure he doesn't want a scene. And i can't guarantee i won't cause one. This affair has gone on a long time. I just don't want to give up after 28yrs. I just think my feelings should be considered and they never seem to be. I know if the shoe was on the other foot i wouldn't have him around me...no matter what. I would want to show respect. And yes my h claims its just business...but i can't see wanting her business...does that make any sense. I don't want her there no matter what. I don't trust my h at all when it comes to her. Past experience has shown me how h can lie and deceive. And honestly he hasn't shown me anything that would make me change my mind. He was such a good person until this and i think that is why i hold on. I just feel so stupid. Thank you so much for replying...hope to hear from you soon. Need HELP...can't think straight anymore.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>And no, i don't get to go to the bar.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why? Because he disallows, your schedule doesn't permit, or you FEEL not allowed?<P>He owns the bar. You are his W. Equals go to the bar whenever you want?<P>How has he lied and deceived you in the past...do you mean concerning this same woman? And, am I understanding this correctly, it's an EA of long-standing but not a PA?<P>That not being able to think straight feeling is awful, isn't it?? Well, hopefully, we can figure out a course of action for you! <P>Laura