Hello. I'm new to this forum but have been reading through the site for the past few days. I'm in a desperate situation at this point, and can't seem to tell, clearly, if MB or anything else is going to help save my marriage. There seems to be MANY people here with experience and ideas, and I'd like to tell my story and maybe someone will be able to give me some direction that I can't seem to find right now, by myself.

Quick history: I (34) have been with my husband (39, 40 in Nov) since June '93. We were married in March 1994, and have two children, a daughter 7, and a son 3.5. He left me on July 21, 2002, and shortly thereafter disclosed an affair that had been ongoing since October 2001. I was shocked by that--it truly, truly was not something I ever would have believed of him.

We've had a rocky marriage at times, especially in recent years. It's hard to pinpoint all the causes, I think having children changed things, we had money difficulties, we went through some major changes in our religious beliefs, etc. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, 13 years sober now, and I did not know him drinking. I have recently begun going to Al-Anon (and it should have been long ago) and realize there is much of him as an alcoholic I should have been dealing with. He can be selfish, manipulative, self centered, cruel and thoughtless, and does have ego issues. We were seeing a marriage counselor in 2001, and I thought it was going well, but we stopped seeing him, and that was apparently a big mistake--and even when we were seeing him, I guess my husband didn't like that the sessions often became about him, he wanted it to be all about me. We have seen this man several times since my husband left, the therapist suggest he give the marriage another chance for the sake of the children if nothing else, but my husband continues to say no.

His leaving devastated me, to say the least. I have been out of my mind since he left (his leaving was a terrible scene, with me almost chasing him through the house at 12:00 at night, begging him not to go, crying, blocking the door, it was terrible.) I've taken a look at MY role on the issues of our marriage, and I don't like much of it--I've come to recognize where I had a place in not being a caring spouse, where I didn't listen to him, where my needs came first too often, where I just wasn't realizing the damage even offhand comments or behaviors can make.

I'm totally ready to address myself entirely to my marriage, and relatively confident that I would be 100% committed to making it work. I see where I have a place in what went wrong, and I'm praying for a chance to make it right.

Now...here's the problem, and this is what I have not seen quite addressed here. I'm REALLY up against it with my husband -- because he has seen how desperate I am for him to come home, and have told him how much I love him, miss him, and want to make things right, he is even LESS interested in me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> He has said terrible things about being "done" with me, not having it in him to try again, in an honest fashion, not even for the kids (I didnt want him to come home just for that, but if he needed a starting point to at least TRY, they are certainly an excellent reason--they have also taken this VERY hard). He says he doesn't want to try anymore, that even 9 years and 2 kids isn't enough to make him want to, that he loved me TONS before but now doesn't feel anything for me, all those kinds of lovely things. Even his mother, who was never my biggest fan, has been amazingly supportive of me in this and thinks her son is being foolish. He has been avoiding his parents because he doesn't want to hear what they have to say-- or really anyone who tells him anything outside of what he wants to hear. This is, I assume, the Withdrawal state, right?

I love my husband completely, I married him for life and I am totally committed to restoring our marriage, but I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to effect that. I need help with how.

He is relatively protective of the tramp he had the affair with, so I don't know much about her, or the status of the situation. Through a family grapevine I heard it was "on hold" but also found he had registered just the other day for an online dating service. We still sometimes do things as a family, and when we do, it is usually pleasant for all of us but him--he seems to be pained by it, but I don't know if that's regret for what has been lost, or because he doesn't want to admit things COULD be different (much about me has already changed since this happened, I'm working on myself fiercely...)

He still has many possessions here, clothes, etc. He mostly just took what he could put in a duffel bag and a laundry basket the day he left, and his closet is still full of things, the garage, etc. He has been staying with his brother since he left, and is still there. I asked for his housekey, because I thought he shouldn't have access unless he lived here, I was trying to do something strong.

What I don't want to do, what I can't do, is move on AWAY from him. I'm tired of people telling me to "move on" and forget about him, etc. He is my partner, he is the man I have loved for so long, he is the father of my children and I am at a terrible loss in my soul, in my heart and in my home without him. I need a plan, I need something that will help me to show him this is for real, how I feel, and that with help, time, trust, honesty, etc., we CAN rebuild and be a family again. All I want is a chance.

He has not filed anything, he has been giving me money as I need it though he wants me to get a job (I worked fulltime before my daughter was born, and part time over the course of their childhoods) because he doesn't think after about Dec 31 he is going to have enough to pay for everything on his own (mortgage, etc.). He is self employed and the business is not going great.

Thank you to anyone with ideas, help, prayers, or whatever you can offer me. I have to believe in reconciliation, I was a child of divorce and will do anything to prevent it from happening to my children. I find myself crying hard all the time, sometimes for 30, 40 minutes at a time, but never around my children. I'm not really interested in going on medication, but I've never been this incredibly miserable, hurt, depressed and in true pain 24/7 ever in my life. And I can't face the things that might come if we don't reconcile, his filing papers, his god forbid having another woman, god forbid MARRYING someone else, I simply don't think I could survive that. I'm not suicidal, I have children, but I don't know if I could bear those things. He's still so much MY husband to me...

I'm sorry this is so long--I hope it doesn't go over board rules. My signature isn't perfect, I know, is there a place to get the little codes for how to do it in the shorthand others use?

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

Elizabeth

Hi, Elizabeth.
I think the worse part of all of this is not having any control whatsoever over your H's actions.

This is still so new for you -- you said he just left this past July -- so you are certainly in for a less-than-stable future; however, the good news is that you do have control over yourself.

I know that right now you feel absolutely powerless, even hopeless. It's normal to feel that way. Let me stress this, however, based on my own experience over the past FOUR years of separation and, finally, divorce on 9/6/02:
The sooner you begin to re-structure your life and live your life without your H, the faster your recovery will occur. I spent four years after my H left me and our three kids, just hoping and praying he'd return. I did NOTHING to make myself better.

I think most everybody on this board knows exactly what you are going through right now, Elizabeth. The ones on this board who seemed to recover faster and even reconcile with their spouses were the ones who started moving ahead with their own lives.

I picked the name "MovingOn" back in 1998 when my H first walked out on us. I really thought I'd be moving on, so my intentions were good. I became frozen, however, in my resentment, anger and bitterness towards my H and his OW. I think I drove him further into her arms.

There is a great chance your H will return to you, Elizabeth. This is my advice based on hindsight and my own dreadful mistakes.

Do you work outside the home? Your children are young so maybe that's not a possibility? If you do, that's all the better in a way because you'll be out in the world more instead of being confined to the home. The home is a terrible place when going through separation. It's enormous bed of triggers, a painful collection of memories of the marriage. That's why it's all the more imperative for you to be out of the house as much as possible, at least in the very beginning.

You will need to make new "memories" for your kids, especially at holidays. If your H wants to join you and the kids, so much the better.

I guess I'm advising you to keep going during this nightmare. It is one of the most painful things you will ever experience, but you can do it and come out of it with your self respect and pride intact, even if your H. does not return.

Your H has only been gone for a couple of months so anything is possible, and certainly reconcilation is more than a possibility. Keep focused on the fact that he will come back, join a group like "Rejoice Marriage Ministries" and, please, keep living your life! Show your H that you can do it without him. That's the best advice I can give you right now, based on my own horrible mistakes.

I feel your pain.

<small>[ September 08, 2002, 06:27 AM: Message edited by: MovingOn ]</small>

Hello and welcome,

Others here will have great advice for you, but I can help too.. When you mentioned that what you say is pushing him further away... I thought of a thread I saw recently.

It's not going to solve all of your probs, or maybe even any of them, but you will see WS talk "fog babble" and replies.

Go under forum heading INFIDELITY then to GENERAL QUESTIONS II, and click on the thread : Orchid...please tell us how you babbled back!!

And when you say you've read the site, is that the forums or the main site?

The main site has a lot to offer... bookstore has books for surviving an affair, avoiding love busters, His needs/her needs is the general starter book....

-bbs

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The ones on this board who seemed to recover faster and even reconcile with their spouses were the ones who started moving ahead with their own lives.
[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the part that is most difficult for me I can't fathom "moving on" without my husband as part of my life. It's not that i don't know how, I was on my own for about 6 years before I got married, I was an only child and even in college tended to have single rooms because I didn't mind being solitary--it didn't bother me.

However, now that I've been married, and have shared my life with someone, I'm VERY happy that way, and the idea of going back to being alone makes me nauseated. I can *do* it, I know that, but I have no desire to be there!! I hate the idea of doing things and having my life have things in it that don't include him, it's just horrible to me.

I miss him, I miss him terribly, I miss everything about him, from his physical presence to his stupid jokes, to his calls during the day just to check in, to his interaction with the kids, to just linking pinkies with him while we drove in the car, for no particular reason.

Moving on, as it were, terrifies me because to me that seems to only indicate separating us further, losing contact, not having the connection we have, and I fear if we lose that completely, we can never come back together--does that make sense? I'm worried that being apart too long, too much, will lead not to "absence makes the heart grow fonder" but to "out of sight, out of mind."

He recently signed up for an online dating service, this is REALLY bothering me. I'm not sure if he even intends to use it, or if it was some reflex reaction to try to "move on" in his own case...but either way, I so wish his focus was back on the family and reconciliation.

He was here yesterday for a holiday lunch (and we had been at his parents the night before) but I can see it strains him, I think he doesn't want it to go well and when it does, doesn't know what to do--and he's worked himself so much into not wanting me, not wnating to be about me, that he's talked himself into so much of this that his ego won't let him open his heart back up to me, even in the face of my changing quite a bit.

I'm babbling here, but I appreciate every response, and will read them all. Thank you.

Elizabeth

I have read the site meaning I have read some of the articles, some of the basics about what MB is about, and I have been reading through the forums as well. I have not bought the specific books, or heard the radio show, etc.

I saw the Restore site, but I'm not Christian, so it's difficult to apply such sites properly because much of what they believe and say does not apply to me, though I think the basic theory is very sound, and I did see some useful thoughts there.

I'm just afraid I'm in the most dire straits, I so want to hear from people who have been down this road and have FIXED their marriages, where the spouse had an affair and didn't seem to really have much guilt (there are so many cases where the WS comes back on his belly, and the onus of whether or not to stay is on the BS, which is not the case with me.) My marriage is about as frayed as it can get, he's not here, he says he doesn't want to be here, he's not coming home, etc., but I'm totally committed to this marriage staying together. I just need to find methods and ways to get that in motion. It's really hard to be patient, it's really hard for even a minute to go by, it's just another wasted minute we are not together, that we are not fixing this and repairing our marriage and family.

The idea of life without my husband, without being married to him, is just a horrible thought to me. I love being married, I love him, I want him home more than anything in the world.

Elizabeth

Forgive me for not reading all the posts...and I may repeat much of what everyone has said.

I'm going to address the issues of *business* and not the raw emotions that you are going through.

Regardless of whether you reconcile or not, there is something that I would like you to concentrate on THIS WEEK.

The man you married is operating on some totally different plan than you are right now. I understand the pain that you are going through and the hopes and dreams you have that it will turn out differently....I hope it does too. However, with that in mind you need to protect yourself (remember...we're talking business here).

You said that he owned his own business. You MUST obtain copies of every document possible. You said he only left with his duffle bag. Well, he most likely will be coming back for more, including his papers, so be sure to copy everything you can. Tuck it all away at a friends house and I pray that you never need it. You'll have the documents you need *if* you end up severing this relationship totally. Believe me, I too wanted to reconcile and it never happened. Three years later in court and trying to uncover all the hidden documents has cost thousands of dollars.

Next...change the locks. If he doesn't want to be part of the family, then he shouldn't have access tot he family. If he wants to reconcile, then the two of you CAN continue counselling and work towards reconciliation. Until then, work on YOU. Get a job and put all your ducks in order. If working outside of the home is not a possiblility, consider working inside your home. Bring kids in full-time to watch over. Check out the local temporary agencies and they may have some other ideas...but become self-sufficient.

The woman your husband is with is doing her best to ensure that he doesn't return to you. While he's in her arms telling her about how *awful it was* and how *understanding she is*, she'll be stroking his hair and agreeing with him. Your begging or being angry with him when you have contact with him will only serve to validate his reasons for leaving. Don't give him that.

I am a Christian...but that doesn't mean that God wanted me to sit there waiting for my husband to return. He wants me to live my life in the best possible way that I could. I became the doormat in my relationship and *allowed* my husband to abuse me. Simple as that. I had to take back control of my life. That's what everyone is saying here when they say, "The ones on this board who seemed to recover faster and even reconcile with their spouses were the ones who started moving ahead with their own lives."

Spend time reading this website....but also protect yourself, your assets and your children from *potential* problems. I'm not saying it's going to happen, but better to be prepared for the worst and rejoice when reconciliation takes place.

{{{hugs}}}

correction....."he shouldn't have access to the family"...what I meant was "he shouldn't have free access to enter the family home."

Part of coming and going freely is having a relationship with you. He is choosing not to have a relationship with you, therefore he shouldn't be allowed to freely come and go as he pleases.

Just my opinion of course...

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Elan:

You said that he owned his own business. You MUST obtain copies of every document possible. You said he only left with his duffle bag. Well, he most likely will be coming back for more, including his papers, so be sure to copy everything you can. Tuck it all away at a friends house and I pray that you never need it. You'll have the documents you need *if* you end up severing this relationship totally. Believe me, I too wanted to reconcile and it never happened. Three years later in court and trying to uncover all the hidden documents has cost thousands of dollars.
[QUOTE}

There are no papers or documents here. He had his office in the house for a while (we just moved into this house a year ago 9/14) but took an office for himself in about March or so, and that is where all his paperwork is, everything about his business and our personal stuff as well, bills, etc. I don't have that stuff.

To be honest, I don't even care how that shakes out. I sort of expect to get screwed if it comes down to that, but I'm not going to fight about it. I so completely want no part of courts, judges, having our marriage turned into some decree or whatever that I'm going to stay away from that as much as possible. I know you will all say that is not wise, but that's not negotiable, for me. I want no part of our marriage becoming some kind of argument between lawyers, and everything we have and worked for and made as a family turned into numbered items on some document. I can't do that.

I did take his key to the house a few weeks ago, he can't come and go as he pleases. I also set up a pseudo-visitation schedule and right now he sees the kids after school Tuesdays and Thursdays and for the day on Saturday. I hate it. I hate this part between now and Tuesday because I hate being away from him for 2 days in a row, I hate not talking to him--he's still my best friend and confidante, and there are things I constantly want to tell him, to talk to him about etc.

I just can't prepare for a life without him. It will be a very, very dark and bleak existence for me, unfortunately. I'm pretty much destined to be one of those people who is NOT a success story after such an occurence. If my marriage is not saved, I will be one of those sad, bitter women you read about, who never remarried, loved their husbands from afar, even if god forbid he remarries, and is alone after her children leave, and perhaps becomes very eccentric and miserable. That is my destiny should my marriage not be saved--you can see why I'm quite focused on NOT getting divorced.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

Being focused on NOT getting a divorce is very good, however letting everything else go (stability for your kids, yourself, financial status so you can continue to provide for your kids) is foolish.

I am speaking from experience. I too did not want the court battles etc.... but guess what? Whether you *want* it or not, it happens without your blessing. You have children involved and they *will* be part of this.

I strongly encourage you to seek counselling and speak to someone about this not only for your sake, but for the sake of your children. You are operating on grief, and grief doesn't pay the bills or keep the kids safe.

{{{{hugs}}}}

DWD,

Gosh, I wish I could say there is this magic poweder and if you sprinkle it, then all will be well.

Your story could exactly be mine. Even the time frame is close to the same, with when H stated seeing OW and you finding out, etc. He is waaaay deep in the fog.

ORCHID? HEY BUDDY--GONNA CALL YOU THIS WEEKEND BUT DWD HERE NEEDS HELP ABOUT MS. RABBIT AND HOW SHE BABBLED HERSELF SILLY.

Don't listen to really anything he says. He may or may not become unfogged. I gave my H reasonable time before I filed for D. Used plan A and plan B principles. Did a pretty dad gum good A until love almost gone then went to B. BTW, been in B for over 8 months now and have been separated 14 months and filed for D since Sept. Ironically OW supposedly broke up with H a few weeks back, but I am suspicious now. I am posting thread on it today.

Do plan A and Plan B, read the Harley's books, and then also read Dobson's LMBT. I will pray for you guys.

Reconciliation is hard. But when they are decided in their heads what to do and are in the fog, they aren't seeing life clearly. I also think you should go to a lawyer for advice. No signing of papers yet, but for advice. Take it from me, the foggy H i married attempted to take ME to court to take custody from me at one point. Fog is heavy and makes those lost do incredibly stupid and selfish things. Make sure you and the kids are ok while this guy bumbles around in it. Remember, don't go directly to plan B, you need to A first.

In Plan A, you focus on you. You should start doing this now and focus on improving you and the kids instead on whether he returns/does not. Don't be consumed as I was with the wild ride. Get off if it becomes too much. Lay it down at God's feet. That is how I have continued with B.

Hi DWD

Your story seem so much like mine. WH, also a recovering alcoholic been sober for 16yrs. I have only joined Al-Anon after H left in Oct 01. Many regrets that I did not join earlier.

Next month it will be 1 yr since H left. I married in my thirties so my career was established and I was fairly independent and loved being alone. That all changed when I married. I devoted my life to my H and my children. I loved being married and up till today I still love my H unconditionally.

Even thought I go to Al-Anon meetings regularly, I find that ACA helped me as a person tremendously. Our H have addictive personalities hence the alcohol and affairs. It is good to learn why we married such men.

I see no difference between my H alcoholism and his A. He will have to reach rock bottom first before he will ask for help. In the meantime we will have to keep everything together. You need to be strong for that. No more pity parties.

Protect yourself and your children. My WH went from "I'll give you everything" to now 1yr down the road to "you must support yourself" and promply stopped paying c/s.

As they say in Al-Anon "fake it till you make it". I started by faking my happiness. Today, I am really happy.

As for my "Higher Power" which I denied for many, many years believe you me he is my strength now. I started reading my bible because I felt guilty everybody was praying for our family and I was not. Well, I was in for a nice surprise for the first couple of mnths any verse I read dealt with adultery. That wetted my appetite.
Now if I want food for my soul and justification I go to my bible.

When everybody's heard enough of your sad story and the dust settles you will find yourself alone.
That is the time you will really seek somebody to speak to. For me it was "God".

All, I can tell you is detach with love and work on yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GinnyF:
<strong>My WH went from "I'll give you everything" to now 1yr down the road to "you must support yourself" and promply stopped paying c/s.

When everybody's heard enough of your sad story and the dust settles you will find yourself alone.
That is the time you will really seek somebody to speak to. For me it was "God".
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Argh...quoted you, Ginny, but hit the wrong button.

I was going to say, these two parts of your message struck me. First, because I can totally see my husband doing that, he's saying he's going to pay for things, but then we met the other day to talk about money and he said that after Dec 31 he probably couldn't pay for everything anymore...who knows where that will lead.

The other part, about people getting sick of it, well, he's only been gone about 7 weeks or so, but I already don't talk about it much with people. I've found a few forums like this, but I don't burden people with it anymore, I know they don't want to hear it, and mostly I know they don't understand I have no desire or interst to "move on" from my spouse.

The only thing I'm interested in is reconciliation, and I will accept no less. I had the crushing blow today of finding, based on suspicions, a personal ad my husband placed on a reputable online dating service. He's quite identifiable, and I mean, half our FAMILY doesn't even know what's going on yet.

I want him back, I want him home,and my biggest problem is I just haven't figured out how i'm going to effect that yet, and that leaves me often screaming and crying on the floor, as I was for about 45 minutes this morning already. I really find I can barely function anymore, I can pull myself together for my kids when I must, but that's about all. When I'm alone, I'm mostly hysterical. I just want my husband, I simply can't do this divorce business.

No one has filed (god forbid, I'd never do such a thing) and really, even if he did, I'd still never ever give up on our marriage. I likely wouldn't even if he was with someone else full time. I will always be his wife, and I will always wear these rings, and I will always wait for him to come home. Living in this kind of constant pain is very hard, though, I've only had 7 weeks of it and it's pretty unbearable. It's very hard knowing the rest of my life, should he not come home, will feel like this too, and I know it will (I'm not the kind to move on and get over things, etc.)

I never knew there was such misery in the world.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth,

Believe it or not.... the most of us can understand the raw emotion and pain you are going through. We are just all at different stages of life here.

I was going to say, these two parts of your message struck me. First, because I can totally see my husband doing that, he's saying he's going to pay for things, but then we met the other day to talk about money and he said that after Dec 31 he probably couldn't pay for everything anymore...who knows where that will lead. --This is why you have to see a lawyer and ensure that your kids are being taken care of. This is the business part of this...and it doesn't mean *divorce*...it means you have to still provide for your children. How are you going to do that?

Reconciliation: there is nothing wrong with wanting to reconcile and work towards that. Remember that two people work at relationships and not just one. Until he is ready, you need to work on yourself. I'm not saying it's impossible, it IS possible, but only if he wants to also.

Finding out about personal ad: This would have been a huge blow to you. I am so sorry you had to find this out. This is HIS action and not yours. He is the one that placed the ad and not YOU. You cannot control the actions of others, but you can certainly control your own REactions. Understanding what needs your partner has is one of the most important aspects of a marriage. Perhaps he is trying to fill that need by finding someone else to fulfil it. I highly recommend reading this site on the love bank.

Family doesn't know: Family cannot be supportive if you don't tell them. I would suspect they would be more than willing to offer a helping hand or even invite you and kids over. Tell them how you feel. Let them know you want to reconcile. I too thought that not telling my family was protection...when in fact they have been my very BEST support. Proceed with caution though with his family. Blood IS thicker than water. If they find out that you've been on the floor in a heap crying and wailing over their son, it could be construed as to not parenting their *grandchildren* appropriately.

Burdening your friends: What are friends for? You will find out through this who your friends really are. I would suggest a support group. DivorceCare (and BEFORE you flip out....DivorceCare is not only for people heading for divorce, but also people who are looking to reconcile their marriages. Yes it is Christian-based, but I highly doubt that Christian values will upset the applecart more than it already has been. Know that you will be among people who also did not want their marriages to end and will give you unlimited support without judgement).

Barely functioning anymore: You may want to see your family doctor. He/she would be able to prescribe something to help you over the pain of this. Barely functioning equals a parent that is not there for the children. You can *act as if*, but if you are tired and emotionally wrung out, no matter how much you smile, your parenting abilities WILL be different. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some self-nurturing. This is not a time to tell yourself that you deserve to feel the pain...don't dwell in the negatives. Start working towards the positives. This separation IS your opportunity on working on yourself. How is your health? Are you in shape? How about mentally? Are you passionate about something? Take up a new hobby...do something you've never done before. It sounds like you've been busy raising little ones and being *Mommy* so much of the time that you forgot how to be *Elizabeth*.

Living in this kind of constant pain: It IS painful...and it WILL be painful, but you have the power to change that Elizabeth. You have the power to change things around for the better. Many people consider reconciliation if they see true changes in their partners. Those changes have to be positive ones. Work on yourself and look towards the future. What aspects do you not like about yourself? What things do you think your husband would like you to change?

I never knew there was such misery in the world: There is. Divorce is one of the highest stressors in life that a person goes through. Death of a family member, death of a spouse is also on the list next to divorce. It IS miserable...but it doesn't STAY that way. You have the choice of being miserable for the rest of your life and losing your kids also if you don't take a stand and grab back your life.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so much pain. You do have the power to change this Elizabeth.... whether it results in reconciliation or divorce is NOT up to you because there is another party to consider and that is your husband. If he chooses NOT to come back, that is HIS CHOICE. Meantime, regardless of the outcome you have the choice of making your life better....or worse. This is not an easy road....separation OR divorce... Many of us make it through with flying colors...some of us wallow in pity and self-despair for a long time -- but again, it is our choice as to how we react to the situation we are put in.

We're here for you to listen and let you vent....but we will not listen to you self-destruct when we KNOW it doesn't have to be that way. Find yourself a good counselor. One that you can talk to in real life. Keep posting here....

My sis told me at the beginning of the crud that all I have to think about is the next hour.... Just do that: "What do I have to do in the next hour." Divide your day into manageable portions. one hour at a time.

Elizabeth - I have got to tell you I just read this thread and I can feel your pain.. I remember in the beginning the raw emotion - Let me tell you a little bit of background of what I have been through and the conclusions I have come to - I to do not want a divorce - there have never been any divorces in my family - I really don't believe in divorce and I love my husband with all of my heart - but after I found out well actually he told me about his affair in October 2001 - and he said that it was over - then I found out in November it was still going on - then he said that he wanted to work on the marriage - but you know what he never did - it was always me - He never really wanted to be there - he made up excuses blaming almost everything on me from me being to controlling, to not showing enough affection to treating him like my child - well come April I heard phone messages from the lady next door calling him hon and talking about hooking up - well I still am not sure what happened with her - but what happened with me is that I decided that I didn't want to live in this constant pain anymore and he wanted a divorce fine there was nothing I could do to change his mind. Ihave done everything in the divorce proceeding he doesn't even have a lawyer - but we are scheduled next Wednsday for our court date. but what I have figured out is that - I don't want this divorce - but I have no choice he does not want to work on the marriage and it just comes to a point when you have to say ok enough is enough -i hope someday tht he wants to come back to his family but right now I know that the person he was is lost to me... He has given up everything he ever wanted and for what??? His freedom???? Who knows - but what everyone here is trying to tell you is that even if you don't want a divorce you have to protect your children - you have to get a grip - I never wanted antidepressants i didn't believe in medicine - well you know what I went from October to April crying at the drop of a hat - and finally my therapist said you know what you have been dealt a huge blow you are dealing with new relvelations everyday you need medicine to be able to help you process your thoughts - and they have been great.. You have to take care of yourself because you need to for your children - they know you are hurt and upset and that makes them upset. Go and see a therapist - ask about some medicine - you are probably in for a bumpy roller coaster ride. But you must remember that you also deserve to be happy - you do not have to be one of those bitter people who love from afar - See I still am afraid I will never have someone or love someone more than my husband but now I know I have no choice and my life must go on - my children deserve their mother back and I deserve my life back.....

DontWantDivorce,
I am sorry to see you in so much pain. I'm sure you have received a number of useful suggestions as to what to do. This is my two cents.
I don't want to make this more difficult for you than it already is. But then I have to be practical. What if your husband refuses to return to you in spite of all your efforts? What would you then do? What if you had a magic formula that would give you the best chance of success in saving your marriage? I believe you would use it?
I asked those questions because I was almost in your husband's shoes some years ago. No, I did not have a PA/EA; it was my wife that misrepresented an important part of her life to me before the marriage. When I found out, I lost all interest in her and in the marriage. In fact, I asked for a separation after a bare three months of marriage. We then started to live apart.
My wife said she loved me with all her heart, and she pursued me at every turn. The irony was, the more she pursued the more suffocated I felt; it was as if she was snuffing life out of me. Even when she had an excuse to visit me and stay for one or two days, I still felt she was invading my space.
Then things began to change. I noticed that, although she still expressed her love to me, she was no longer desperate. She was more dignified in her approach. She gave me my space. She improved herself, dressed more elegantly, changed some of the things about her that I had previously complained about, and made herself irresistible to me once again.
I then became the pursuer; I wanted her back.
Sorry the story is long. The point I am trying to make is, you will only succeed in pushing away your husband if you continue to show him you are desperate for him. You need to let him know that you love him, and that you want him back. But you don't have to pursue him. Most men don't want to be pursued; they want to be the pursuers.
Concentrate on improving yourself. Let him know, in a discreet way, how you are doing. Respect him. Welcome him if he comes around. Take care of the kids as you have been doing. It is a challenge but you can do it. But don't *pursue*.
With time, if there is any love left in his heart for you, it will wake up. If it doesn't, then there is little else you can do.

Dontwantdivorce,

I am sooo sorry you are feeling this pain. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know exactly what you are feeling, as my H left about 7 weeks ago too. Moved out of our place and right into the OW's apartment. It was sudden, and I was shocked! However, I did notice that through a few years of being a member here, and learning so much from the people that post here, I was able to pull myself up from my incredible sadness a bit faster than you are.

Here are the things that worked to help me, and I strongly suggest you look into them, as many posters have advised. I immediately went to see my doctor, and got a prescription for anit-depressents. I am not a pill popper either, but I needed something to help me focus on being an employee and Mom instead of just the wounded wife. They took about 3 weeks to finally start working, and I'm very glad I started them. I also called my insurance company and got myself a therapist, HE will listen to me when everyone else has heard enough! I got myself "Surviving an Affair" by Harleys, and Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson, both excellent books. I think you should read them, and what anidea said about not 'pursuing' your H right now will start to make alot more sense. One more book I got, that helped me put things in perspective, is called "A Survival Guide for the Woman Who's Been Left by the Man She Loved, DUMPED!" by Sally Warren. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The most recent things I've done, is bring myself back to church again (got lazy when married) and decided to let God handle this pain, because it was just too much for me to bear. He has taken alot of it away from me, and it's getting a little easier, day by day.

Don't misunderstand that I want to move on without my H, I love him dearly, although I'm not respecting him much right now. I don't want a divorce either, but I am also not pursuing him and haven't spoken to him for a few weeks now. YES that hurts, when I so much want to, but on the same token, when I was speaking to him, I got those awful knots in my stomach, the joy of hearing his voice or seeing him or having him hug me, only to leave and sleep with OW that night...being apart now, and making myself better, is my only objective aside from my son's needs. Alot less knots in the stomach... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know you will make it through this, and if you keep coming here, there are many people that will help you get through each day. You will survive, whether he decides to come out of his fog or not.
Take care of yourself too, there's nothing more unhealthy than the 'dumped diet' in which I lost a lovely 18lbs over the last 7 weeks...hey..maybe that's a good thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anidea, one question for you...how did you notice your wife had made improvements, and how did you approach her again after such a time of pushing her away? I'm in Plan B now, and I can't see how a WS would contact you if they haven't done so for months or years, but I see it does happen.

Shepette

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anidea, one question for you...how did you notice your wife had made improvements, and how did you approach her again after such a time of pushing her away? I'm in Plan B now, and I can't see how a WS would contact you if they haven't done so for months or years, but I see it does happen.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">During our brief marriage (3 months), wife got pregnant (unplanned; felt it was deliberate on her part--she is in the healthcare field. But I still accepted the child). Our separation lasted three years. Initially we lived in the same city, but later we moved apart, to different states. So, with the birth of the child, I had to be more involved with both of them, and each time I saw her I could notice that she had made certain improvements in herself. These observations, coupled with the issue of the baby, as well as my religious beliefs about marriage, helped me make the final decision to reconcile.