Hi! I'm new to post but have read this board on and off since the beginning of the year.

I have been married to H for 7 years and have one son who is 2. In January he left for a month during which I found he had a PA with a co-worker. He came back and we went to some counseling but soon things got distant again and eventually we split more amicably.

We have been separated now for about a month and a half. I filed the petition because he said he didn't want to work on it and there was no hope for reconciliation. He also said to go ahead and move on. So I did. I dated a few guys and even slept with a couple. He found out and said it was a "wake up call". Now he is thinking about reconciling. He is totally changed. Admitting his faults, going to a 12-step program and church. The problem is now I am unsure of my feelings. I know I love him but part of me still desires to talk to and date these other men. I know it is because they are fulfilling some of my EN that H isn't now. So do I step back from them and allow H to try to fulfill those needs? How do you know when it is time to call it quits? I know no one can probably answer that question for me but I'm hoping maybe someone out there has been in a similar situation and can shed some light. I am so confused. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hopeful in AZ...

Hopeful.....hi and I am glad you decided to come here to try and get some insight into what to do.

I was in a similar situation except I was in your husbands shoes. As you can see from my sig. line I was a pretty lousy husband for a few years. When I had hit bottom and decided to really get help and change was when my wife decided to move on too. She dated just like you have done as soon as we were seperated. I did so much soul searching this past eight months and have done so much research and work into getting back to being the person and husband I once was. I have become very involved in church and have a real relationship with God again.

My wife did give it some thought about us for about a week but she was dating at the time so she was not thinking souly of marriage reconciliation-just like you are not. IMHO- you need to completely stop dating and give all you got to your husband. If he is like me and he is putting in all this effort to change him then he will be a much better husband and person in the end.

The guy my wife chose over me goes against some of the things that my wife once believed in. He is a good guy but he is in the army special forces and he goes to war and training often. My wife is so family oriented and needs that day to day stability but if we go to war he goes for a long time. She told me just last year that there was no way she could live with someone in the armed forces. I tell you this just to make you think about what is important to you and why you got married to your husband in the first place.

What my wife is missing is that I am now very involved in several ministries in church again. I actually had a woman from my sunday school class come up to me at the christian nite club( that I am helping with) last nite and tell me about a very personal problem she and her husband were having and we prayed right there at the club. I would not or could not have done that eight months ago.

The thing I guess I am trying to say is the love can be rekindled. Your husband can change and it can be so much better than before. Have you and your husband done the EN questionare? Give your marriage number one priorty over everything and anybody else. If you totally commit to saving your marriage and ask God to help you in that adventure everyday then you will see your husband in a whole new light. I am a firm believer in not giving up on your spouse no matter the circumstances. God put you together for a reason and it is up to us to change the bad in us and make it into a good thing with Gods help.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ September 08, 2002, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Hopeless in AZ -

I remember you.

Bramblerose faced a similar situation, and wrestled with returning for a while.

A good rule of thumb would be this - is he willing to follow the four rules of recovery? This would be an absolute must for me - as well as IC and MC at least for a while. There was obviously something going on inside H to do what he did and he needs to figure it out what it was or he may do it again. Ans MC never hurt anyone.

And, I would make him Plan A for a while so that you can see if he is really serious or not - if he can only keeo it up for a few weeks and then fizzles out then you've got your answer, but if he keeps it up for a month or two?

Did you read CarolK's story? She used Divorcebusting and they advised her not to take him back right away - to let them date for a while to see if he was serious( your H could be in IC and Plan Aing you) and then she let him come hone. Then when he comes back home you could start MC.

Just some thoughts - remember - Love is a CHOICE, and the emotions can come back. And didn't you want your H to choose you even when he didn't feel like it? Of course he didn't - but now he is, so it's your turn possibly to make the choice without the feeling and then work to get the feeling back.

Good luck. K

cajunky,

Thank you for the reply. That is really what I needed to hear. I knew deep down that I would have to give my 100% to my H in order for this to work. Before when he came back he just apologized and that was it. No real steps at changing but this time he does seem so much more sincere.

I agree with everything you said. And will do the EN questionare with him as well as join him at church as he has asked. I should give it everything for our sake and the sake of our son.

Again, thank you for your time.

Hopeful in AZ..

K.,

Thanks for the reply. I will search for CarolK's story and read that. He is not going to move back in right away but I'm not sure how long to have him wait.

I searched through the acronym page but couldn't find what IC and MC are? I do think he would be willing to follow the 4 rules of recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong>Just some thoughts - remember - Love is a CHOICE, and the emotions can come back. And didn't you want your H to choose you even when he didn't feel like it? Of course he didn't - but now he is, so it's your turn possibly to make the choice without the feeling and then work to get the feeling back.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent point. I hadn't thought about it that way. That gives me something to think about.

Thanks for your time and insight,

was Hopeless now feeling a little Hopeful in AZ

I'm so glad you're hopeful - I didn't even catch that until now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

IC - individual counseling
MC - marriage counseling

Wishing you all the best! K

Hi Hopeful,
I am bumping this back up to see how you are doing and what steps you have decided to take. I faced a similar situation back in May (my husband and I actually divorced in January). After 4 months of being divorced and him dating another woman (she wasnt' the cause of our break-up, but came along after the fact), I had a date and he went ballistic. He immediately wanted to begin reconciling and I was so unsure.

Well, I went ahead and began taking the steps necessary to get back together, but I continued to think about the man I had gone out with. I felt like I was giving up some opportunity all because of my ex-husband's whim. Like I had been suffering for months and the moment I have a little something in my life (a little 'feel-good' that doesn't depend on him), that is when he does this 180 and wants me back. It just didn't seem fair. And, in hindsight I now think I wasn't ready to reconcile. I had actually turned a corner in giving him up when I began to date.

Now, here it is 4 months later - I have moved back in to our house, we are discussing re-marriage and I am still thinking about the other guy. I even saw him yesterday and had a momentary fling! So, now I feel like I am the one having an affair (although I am not married).
Just take your time. The mess didn't get created overnight. It won't get fixed overnight.

Wiffle....I AM SOOO JEALOUS. Congrats on the possible remarriage. You give me so much hope that my wife and I will follow in your footsteps one day.
I just have to remember to give it to God and continue to have faith. It is so hard to keep hanging on to it all. At times I think I should just throw in the towel then I think about how much I love my wife and kids and how much I have changed my mental thinking as far as my relationship with my wife goes. Some of my past thinking about relationships were so distorted. Changing those thinking habits through my SA program has completely changed me into the man and husband my wife always deserved.

Keep us posted.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hopeful....how is it going with you?????

I am praying for you guys....don't give up. No matter the circumstances.

Love in Christ
cajunky

cajunky,

where is this Christian night club?????

D.

It is in paducah, ky. It is called SMILEYS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Our church had a big hand in opening it. God provided so much of the stuff it was unbelievable. You wouldn't believe what it looks like an the inside. Just like a modern club but done in christian decor. No one under 18 is allowed in. We have a big stage for bands and we have comedians. We have pool tables, cappacino and coffee bar, light eats. We are only open friday and saturday nites right now. We are getting ready to start a college nite on thursdays and on wednsday nite we will have a singles bible study/church. Different people will teach different weeks. We are going to have strictly singles nites on fridays in october. It is an exciting ministry to be involved in.

We are considering karaoke, and it was suggested to set up a dance floor.

Any ideas for stuff to do would be appreciated.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ September 11, 2002, 09:26 PM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

Well, it took me a while to get back to this post. But my intuition was regretfully correct. The desire for my H to change was fleeting and he has already done a 180 again. He said he decided not to work on things because he didn't know if he could keep up the changes and didn't want to hurt me again (but he already had..again). He also made some smart a** comment about if I would only let him have 4 other wives it would be OK.?? Not sure what he meant by that exactly.

So now I am back where I started but worse off because he took away all my momentum and self confidence I had going. I am more depressed and very angry with him for what he did. I feel like our relationship and the D was going well and amicably but now feels very rocky.

I know some of this..most of this..is him. He hasn't gone back to his 12-step AA and drinks now. Not bad but he isn't supposed to drink at all because he is on Depakote for diagnosed bi-polar. He also smoked pot when he said he would stop and hasn't been back to church. He basically fell off the wagon hardcore.

I don't want to act vindictive but his recent mood and actions have my "spidey sense" telling me to watch out and I'm automatically defensive. I really feel like I need to make sure I get the most out I can from the final decree. Who knows which way the wind will blow next week...

No longer,
Hopeful in AZ

You tried.

But ultimately, it's his responsibility to get himself together and it looks like he hasn't hit rock bottom yet.

All is not lost for you. It may take a little time, but you can do what you need to do to protect yourself and don't worry about being nice during the divorce proceedings.

I'm not saying to be mean, but you have to make sure that you are not being taken advantage of because this is the only time that you will get to assert your rights. If you feel that you don't have equal bargaining power - get a mediator or back into counseling or let your attorney do the talking. Right noe you need to worry about yourself and let your H worry about himself.

Sounds like a little tough love is in order.

Take care of yourself. K

Hopeful.....sorry for the latest. He has to deal with his problems first before restoration can occur. He has to realize that he has to change or he will never be happy. For me the most difficult thing to do was for me to say "I need more help than myself. I am powerless over my addiction." Once I admitted that, I was on the true road to recovery. I was free. Your husband sounds like he has tried a little bit but he has to make the true committment before he gets better and before your marriage can truelly recover. We all have some innerself things to change or make better. You concentrate on you right now and pray for your husband like you never have before and maybe he will see God somehow and make the changes he needs to.

I will continue to pray for you and husband.

Love in Christ
cajunky