Why is it that we worry so much about *them*?? I have been divorced for two years and still in the matrimonial property war (only have divorce papers, nothing else has been settled).

Why am I so obsessed with what he is doing? I keep asking myself why he NEVER did all these things while we were married and I begged him to. Examples now are: involved with kids, purchased a new home, purchased a new car, worked on involvement with kids in different activities (i.e. canoeing, though he swore he would never go), action-packed fun, fun, fun every weekend, trying new foods (sushi, mango's -- all he ever wanted me to cook was beef and potatoes and NEVER anything different or approved by him)...

Inside I just feel so ripped apart. It took a long time to decide to leave this abusive marriage, and now all those changes that I prayed and begged God to change, have happened...but I'm sitting on the outside looking in. Meantime the whole community is thinking he's ohhhhh so wonderful and I'm living with the pain of the past and struggling to get out of it when he continues to battle me in court.

It's like he is silently saying he wants me to be dead before he will be happy. I've lost everything, including my children (two with him and one with me). Sorry....weekends are hard. Can't afford to do anything and everyone else is out doing fun things and I'm sitting at home. Yes.... I am going to get involved with a singles Christian group.

I'm just sad and lonely. I wanted to be married for life to a man who cared about me. I just made a very bad mistake and married an abusive man. I've done all the *good* things for myself including counselling and personal growth...but I can't force things on other people. I can't *make* them like me or *make* them hire me (job wise). Just feeling in a very bad spot.

Why is it that when *some* people get a divorce it's done and over with? What point will it be done and over for me? Maybe I shouldn't be posting to anyone because I am using my own experience when I respond. How does one believe in good again? How does one see the light at the end of the tunnel? (and yes...I'm praying to God that this new lawyer will work on fairness...and not more legal abuse.)

Any words would be welcome....right now I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face and feeling very sorry for myself. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Elan,

I'll join you if I may. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It was only last night that I was jumping up in down in my bathroom having my own little tempertantrum with God yelling I just can't take it anymore. That I am tired of dealing with ExH and that I just don't want to do it anymore, and I haven't even been going at it half as long as you have. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Unfortunately, I look at your situation, and I see my future.

I see thousands of dollars wasted in legal fees, with the bickering still going on.

I see ExH puttig on the show of his life - he even woke up to be at my son's boy scout meeting- after he worked all night - when we were married, I couldn't even get him up long enough to watch the other kids at home much less get up and dressed and out the door after working a night shift.

I wonder how long he can put on this show. But it's lasted a year. I've heard people say that once the legal stuff is done, then and they can't fight with you anymore then it gets better. But I've also heard that it can last the rest of our lives.

All I know is that my ExH does things in extremes - first he's a work-a-holic, now he's a kid-a-holic, he's also done a serious of hobbies that he's gotten into really big and then started something new.

I'm sure the kids are the same kind of thing. When he gets tired of it, he'll move onto something else.

But it does hurt - because he seems to be the person with OW that I wanted him to be, and why isn't he that person?

I do have to believe that it's mostly for show because of his insecurity, and partly for court - I threatened to make him out to not be a bad dad - which he is - but now he has to "look" good - so hence the meeting.

So I just look into my heart to determine what ExH really is. Does my ExH go to church? no. Does he pray? no. Does he say nightly prayers with boys? no. I can judge by his ability to do the things that really matter - which is hos relationship with God, and what he does when he's with the kids, how he treats them when no one else is around for him to put on a show in front of, and he still acts badly in that respect.

I just found out that he and OW left her 9 year old, my 8 year old, my 6 year old and her 5 year old all at home ALONE, while they went for a walk. They have a pool and an upstairs and kids who are curious and can get into things, but aren't old enough to help themselves if they need to. Poor parenting.

I also have to believe that I'm a much better person now, and my kids are much better off than they would have been if I was still married. When you think about life -what good is it to gain the world if you lose your soul - which is what our Exs are doing, and they may have dragged our kids and us down with them if we weren't apart.

So, in the long run the Exs are really still leading unhappy empty lives and the reason they are doing all those new things is because they are trying to find something that will make them happy.

But since we're sensitive caring people it still HURTS!

Sin happens. And it's never fun, but God will see us through with peace and joy and happiness.

K

I'd like to join you two.

I'd also strongly recommend the BB on divorceonline.com

Elan, these issues you raise are the same ones that keep me up at night. Although I am not obsessed with what she is doing, it does leave me hurt and angry.

On the other divorce board I frequent they keep saying " disengage and focus on yourself".

Sound familiar?

And it occurs to me this is why the ex's may be doing so well; disengaging and self focus. They also started disengaging long before we did, and enjoyed our support ( plan A ?) while doing so.

I haven't heard of any other productive options.

I'm not sure what you mean by " Why is it that when *some* people get a divorce it's done and over with? "

I don't know of any fast solutions. I keep asking my therapist, she says that is not good therapy!

<small>[ September 08, 2002, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Family Man ]</small>

{{{Elan}}}

I'm past the point of caring what my stbx does in his own life, but I am extremely irritated that he continues to try and destroy mine and my kids' happiness and lives. He has made it clear that he would NEVER have made a decent father or husband, his only goal in life is money and social prestige.

I have 10 days to the court date that I hope will end this divorce, I expect him to continue to cause problems up to that time, and if at all possible, continue afterwards.

Sometimes it is cheaper to bury them... in that I mean emotionally-wise, monetarily-wise, and just plain life-wise. I've had discussions with people whose spouses died, in the long run, if they had a choice they'd rather have their spouse die than go through what I have. That hurts that someone has sympathy and pity for me, when by all rights it should be the other way around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Lori

I struggle with this daily and I don't buy the other garbage out there like the stuff they post on BB's that make us rationalize stuff away..Like our M's.

However, I do believe that they must be somehow able to instead of focus and disengage, it should be called by WS's detaching and self absorption. That is more correct, I think. They detach from the family, the "traditional" way of thinking and just wander off to the fog and do things that make themselves only happy.

My StBX claims now he is a better single father than when he was married. Why? Because he was NEVER AROUND WHEN HE LIVED AT HOME AND WAS WITH OTHER WOMAN or was complaining and griping the whole time he was at home. He never spent any quality time with our child. It makes me so sad, depressed, and spitting mad that they do this, and I understand your feelings here. Again, rationalization about their reasons for Divorce, and their rationalizations that "it's better for everyone involved now".

Yep. I get very depressed myself sometimes. I pray and try to let God show me the way out of it. Remember, it is a situational kind of depression folks, that is what we are probably experiencing. I have another post kinda like this one today. Please read and respond also. I do not and will not at all put a good face on this just so everybody will be "just good friends". I didn't get married in the first place to do this kind of thing. If I even thought he was that kind of man, I would have never entered the church that day. So while I will be kind to him and respond to him with respect when having to deal with him, I will not EVER VALIDATE HIS DECISIONS TO DO WHAT HE DID. It is time for families, couples, and people to stand up and say that this kind of lifestyle is just not right. And that D is not the answer. And that you can't make an A clean and justified simply ever. It is wrong, plain wrong and has consequences, which these new age butt heads will probably find another "linguistic" way to rationalize their way out of to make themselves feel better so they can get a good night's sleep after destroying their families.

It is amazing to see how well, despite depression, we are all doing here. Fully aware that the rug has been pulled out from under us, so to speak. We here are attempting to live day by day and struggle against this pain. Make sense of it, change what parts we can to help, and then just use our brains and give the rest to God. I read something neat today. It was a quote f rom Dr. Phil that said something like this: we can pray to God but we must row ourselves to shore...Yep. that's what I am trying to do basically. Weather this huge storm and after abandoning ship, my son and I are in the lifeboat rowing to shore while I am praying all the while. We've got to let God handle this, this stuff we can't control, but also be productive enough to somehow handle the other stuff ourselves. It's a hard balance and I am usually out of balance, but I am trying to wake up one day and find the scales even. Just wish I had enough dinero to talk to the Harley's more than I did.

Elan,

you sound very co-dependent, and have lots of unfulfilled expectations. . . meaning, you thought certain things would happen based upon your actions or suggestions. . . could you be part of the problem?

abusers are manipulators, albeit how they choose to use their manipulative actions. . .

OK, so have you read "The Road Less Travelled"?
i suggest that you do, and also look up some of my threads in the last two months, as I have typed out some of the quotes of dependency from that book .. . . . .

can you give yourself a truthful, honest evaluation of how your behavior contributed to your feelings of his unfulfilling actions?

I know that my X would seldom accept my suggestions, because she wanted control, she always wanted vacations, etc. . to be her decision. . still does. . . and if my suggestions weren't what she was thinking/feeling/ hoping for, then shewould criticize all my suggestions until i asked her for her suggestion, but she would never volunteer suggestions until asked. . . . as she told me, "You have to ask me every time"

still thinks my actions are controlling, yet, i only make suggestions. . .

wiftty

Thanks all for coming through for me again. {{{huge group hug}}}}. I spent the weekend feeling sorry for myself..not to mention that the work I do have was seriously reduced on Saturday due to equipment failure.

WhenIFindTheTime -- you are right about co-dependency. It's my codependency that allowed him to abuse me for all those years. I allowed him to brainwash me so much that I actually believed I would be so lost without him. I'm working on those issues and have done extremely well considering what I have gone through.

I lived in a city where the police knew my ex so well that when I called 911 when he was breaking into the house, they would take their time and most times didn't respond (31 calls and TWICE the police actually came to the door -- and of those times they told me that they didn't *believe* that he would do those things).

You are damn rights that I have "lots of unfulfilled expectations" -- I expect to be protected when someone is breaking into my home, I expect that when child support is ordered, he pays it, I expect that when my child is with him and she breaks a bone, he would have the f&*$ing decency to take her to emergency or a clinic (no extra costs where I live -- and he apparantly has no problems with transportation as he keeps appearing in front of MY door with new vehicles).

All of the *issues* that I have ARE due to my expectations. I expect him to be a decent dad and to actually abide by the court orders.....but it's not going to happen. All of it is so bloody painful. It took me extreme courage to leave this relationship. I wanted an end to the abuse, but it still continues.

All of our parenting is down the tubes.... What *we* agreed to when we were together and taught our children has totally gone out the window. He was adamant about telling our teen children that pre-marital sex was a no-non, but he was the first one to move a woman in with him when we split (and of course was doing the horizontal for many years before that, unbeknownst to me). He instructed our oldest to fight a traffic ticket because she was *forced* to speed. HELLO????? She's the one with her foot on the pedal! There was NO emergency! He's been bailing the two oldest out of trouble ever since we separated, when before he was of the mind that they should be responsible for the consequences of their actions. He's allowed parties, boyfriends to sleep over, tongue piercing, tatoo's...you name it. I shudder to think about what other values he's totally erased out of his life and is teaching OUR children the very same thing.

Religion... there never was any. When I started going to church on a regular basis, he would mock me and tell me that I was turning into one of *them*... ha ha. Whatever THAT means. When he realized I was taking control of my life, he went to my minister and started crying about how much he loved me...blah blah blah..to the point where the minister's wife told me that I was *selfish* because I wasn't taking care of my family and *what a great guy* my husband was. I quit going to church.

I am praying for the day GIIC when he can't fight with me anymore.

FamilyMan -- what I meant about having it done and over with. My ex continues the battles in court. I am as low as I can possibly be. I have no support, I don't have a home, I have a car on it's last legs, I don't have a job, and I'm as close to being on welfare as anyone can be (but not because my mother is helping me somewhat). What else does he want???? When is enough .. ENOUGH? That's what I meant. We are divorced. He can do whatever the hell he wants, but instead he keeps dragging me BACK to court to lower child/spousal support (which he doesn't pay...and which enforcement has done EVERY possible enforcement action -- taking away his license, passport -- can't garnishee wages because he is self employed...) Am I obsessed with what he is doing? Personally no, but I am obsessed with the other issues I mentioned and the fact that our matrimonial home that we sold 2 years ago...equity sits in trust with the court...until this whole mess is straightened out. Every morning that I wake up in the guest room of my mothers house is yet another morning where I am reminded that I am again dependant on someone else, that again I have NO privacy for the day and am propelled back to my teenage years where I have to answer my mother in everything I do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So many times I lay in bed thinking that perhaps it would have been better to stay in the abusive marriage until my kids grew up...socked away as much money as I could have during that time and *acted* as if I really cared for my marriage. anyways.... that's what I meant

Bangerra -- many times I wish I was a widow. It's not going to happen. I don't care what he does with HIS life, but I do care about how he's managed to destroy mine...and continues to. Remember, I'm the queen of court! ha ha... I'm coming up to 43 times in court (with the exception of 2 motions that I put forward, one to have him removed and one for an order to have the kids attend a school in the new area I moved to). My case would be an incredible movie! (Good luck in court...I'll be praying for you!)

Peachy...I am weathering the storm along with so many others in here. Strangely it is comforting to know that others are having some of the same problems that I am. We are working through it best we can..but there are days where we need to have that extra help and support.

I don't know what else to say..now that I blabbed on and on. I just wish there was an end. I am working on the co-dependancy, and have done incredible work with boundaries. It's the legalities that are getting me down. I EXPECT the justice system to work. I EXPECT people who lie to get caught and have to pay the penalty. I EXPECT that people who break court orders are punished for their actions. I guess if that's being co-dependant, then I'm guilty as charged.

YOU GO GIRL! ! ! ! ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> K

Elan,

I am not even at the DV stage yet, as I fear just trying to negotiate separation. I do know what you mean by the 'perfect dad' syndrome though. My H was rarely home, always working OT, and when he had free time, spent alot of it w/his friends. He claimed he 'needed' this because of all the OT he worked. Our older 2 kids are girls, and not into sports, so I spent most of the time w/their activities. When I asked him to help out, he would complain that 'you're the one who signs them up for all this stuff'.

We don't even have a regular visitation schedule yet. The few times he's taken the kids, he tries to do the 'jam-packed weekend' thing. And I can see where this will go in the future. After he walks away w/more than me in a DV, he'll work more OT since I'll have kids. He'll have more spending $ and his times w/kids will be planned fun times. He used to come home and fall asleep on sofa every night. But now, whenever he'll see them he'll make sure to give undivided attention.

I also fear him having better life. He already lets me know how many women have propositioned him, at least 9! He is considered very good-looking, well-built, charismatic, life of the party type. Everyone loves him-men and women. I'm the 'stuffy *****', the nagger, complainer, etc. So obviously he must be right in leaving me. And I fear I will be alone and jealous and can't let go of these feelings even though everyone tells me I shouldn't worry about what he does.

I'm no dog. I am considered very attractive (blond, blue-eyed,siz 4), smart, witty, but I guess too opinionated and stand-offish. My friends, family, doctor, all say I'll have no problem finding someone else (not that I'm ready to) yet I feel very fearful of this. I would still rather my marriage work out, but I'm not sure if its for the right reasons.

{{{Elan}}}

It's the legalities that are getting me down. I EXPECT the justice system to work. I EXPECT people who lie to get caught and have to pay the penalty. I EXPECT that people who break court orders are punished for their actions. I guess if that's being co-dependant, then I'm guilty as charged.

Right there with you! I think that is what is the hardest thing for all of us in this situation. That is how I feel, but it became more clear that in divorce court, there is no accountability for that type of thing. That is a different venue all together. That is why we are trying to end the divorce first, then go back on the criminal stuff. It is sad and totally upsetting for those of us who do things by the book, expecting that honesty will win out in the end.

My attorney told me to be a duck, let it slide off of me until the divorce was done, then deal with the other issues. Easier said than done, especially with the years that this has gone on. One friend told me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not the train. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if it was a train... but that is the spiralling down of frustration and depression and just plain being tired. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm trying to see the end of this, I know it will come eventually. Know that there are more than a few of us in this situation, and many who have reached the other side already. We need our own little cheering section at times!

Lori

You people are incredible... I could not ask for a better supportive network than here. I do struggle through this every day. I am so thankful that I am not in this alone. My heart goes out to all of you going through this same $h!t. WHY? Why are we the ones having to suffer through this? (and don't say we *choose* to suffer...I certainly didn't choose to have my husband sleep around on me, abuse me or have him take me to court 42 times! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

I do know though that I have no choice but to wade through all this pain and misery and keep hoping and praying for better tomorrows. One thing I DO know I HAVE to do is count my blessings. The child that lives with me is a wonderful gem and an incredibly wise child. I make sure there are no burdens placed on her, but do my BEST parenting with her (have been to parenting classes, speaking to others, very involved in school and the like, and way better communication skills). For that, I am very grateful.

Maybe what we need to do is concentrate on the blessings we have in our life, be it as little as it may be right at the moment. Today I am grateful for a roof over my head and try not to think at what cost that comes at with returning as an adult back into your childhood home with an abusive/controlling parent. This too I am grateful for as it has made me realize that I married my parent...as manipulative and controlling. I am learning how to express healthy boundaries and stand my ground without being a doormat...for this I am thankful for.

I do understand how my actions contributed to the breakdown of my marriage and I have learned from that. What I don't understand is the legal crap that I am dealing with right now. Apparently it seems that the more money you have, the more *justice* you can buy and that's just plain wrong and sick. I am given a morsel of hope with this new lawyer, but meantime I'm going to take Peachy's advice and work on ME.

Maybe as a suggestion, we may want to keep this thread going, because I can bet that most of us battle with depression on an ongoing basis during the year. I cannot tell you how uplifting it has been to read your posts and hear the empathy and know that I am understood. It's not the advice (well the idea's certainly help!), but knowing that I am among friends where I can freely express my feelings without further damage.

I thank you all.

So..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do not and will not at all put a good face on this just so everybody will be "just good friends". I didn't get married in the first place to do this kind of thing. If I even thought he was that kind of man, I would have never entered the church that day. So while I will be kind to him and respond to him with respect when having to deal with him, I will not EVER VALIDATE HIS DECISIONS TO DO WHAT HE DID. It is time for families, couples, and people to stand up and say that this kind of lifestyle is just not right. And that D is not the answer. And that you can't make an A clean and justified simply ever. It is wrong, plain wrong and has consequences, which these new age butt heads will probably find another "linguistic" way to rationalize their way out of to make themselves feel better so they can get a good night's sleep after destroying their families.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is how I feel. I feel you have written well what I'm still struggling to define. But, as WIFTTy wrote "Abusers are manipulators." Exactly. And their abuse demonstrates the power they hold over the abused..often with our participation ( plan A?). ( I'm thinking of the "power over" model here that Patricia Evans wrote about in "Verbally Abusive Relationship".)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All of our parenting is down the tubes.... What *we* agreed to when we were together and taught our children has totally gone out the window.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I strongly feel this way. Coparenting with one who has left for another..and it's presented as if the problem is "my anger". I am angry. I do not, however, engage, abuse or manipulate.

Elan, I understand about the staying in the guest room thing. In June I moved in w my dad; financially I am just a mess. My first attempt to buy a house has failed; I plan to try again asap.

*sigh*

I feel very blessed, and also as if God has abandoned me..and our family..

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 05:49 AM: Message edited by: Family Man ]</small>

"Abusers are manipulators." Exactly. And their abuse demonstrates the power they hold over the abused..often with our participation

-- and...they continue to abuse over and over again, but after divorce they work on fine-tuning to include the children. It is very difficult to co-parent with someone like this. They are only concerned about *their* best interests and not those of the child.

Coparenting with one who has left for another..and it's presented as if the problem is "my anger". I am angry. I do not, however, engage, abuse or manipulate.

--not necessarily a person who left for another. My ex was removed from the matrimonial home and did not at that time have *anyone*. Controlling people are so self-centred they cannot take responsibility for *their* own actions or their own parcipation in anything. It makes them feel superior to turn it around and point the fingers at the other person...and yes, most times in abusive of manipulative manners. What shocks me the most is his view of *reality*. He is such an expert lier that he manages to convince many people to believe in his world of make-believe. I do know though, that it only works for so long...eventually they are found out.

Family Man....maybe the reason we are experiencing *guest room blues* is so we can make our own *guests* in our homes in the future feel comfortable. If anything, this experience has taught me to be more empathetic, generous with my time (more volunteering) and open to understanding the other side. I'm dealing with a Senior one on one...although she has been abusive at times, it has given me the opportunity to understand my past and it's helping me establish an excellent base for my future.

Now....for depression. We all have it in some form or another. What are some ideas on how to cope with it? I am not one to resort to medication, but I honestly wonder whether or not I'll head into a breakdown with all these pressures around me. The ex is not giving up his need to want 100% control in all aspects of my life and is using the legal system to try to obtain it. Aside from the *reasons*, how does one mentally change their perspective to see the bright side through all the crud?

Elan - Funny that the post has mentioned how the controller acuses us of having "anger" - Exh and OW are doing that as we speak! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway, I wanted to answer your last quesiton - about how to weather the storm. Notthat I'm as much of a professional as you my dear, but I'll lend my 2 cents for what they're worth.

Lots of people I know, many of whom are not divorced, use medication for a while to help the cope through the rough times - however, this is not a long term fix and is only supposed to be done for say 6 months, then you need to learn how to cope on your own.

How to do this. Exercise gets those same endorphins going that are in the drugs - a regular schedule of walking or exercising is a must to get you out of the blues.

Prayer/Meditation is also key. Giving it all to God everyday and askign Him to give you the graces that you need to get through another minute is also key - because He will sustain us.

Vitamins and eating healthy(what's that?!?) is good - vitamins keep up your energy level and help keep your body going through the stress. And continue to drink your 8 glasses of water a day - Rachel Welsh does this and look how good she looks.(Sorry, I just had to throw in the water plug).

Focusing on your children is another great way to get your mind off of you and onto how to help improving them. Journaling is also agood way/method of communication between older kids and their parents. Maybe even e-mailing back and forth - even if your'e in the same house. Sometimes it's better to put things down in writing instead of saying them aloud.

And poisitive affirmations, a make over for you, and some hobbies or something that you can do for fun by yourself or with friends is always a plus too.

Not that you have a lot of time, but from what I've read, those are the suggestions.

Now, I just have to take my own advice and I'd be cured!

K

Wpw! I just read everyone's replies and am so amazed by what I read. It's SO comforting to see how many of us DO feel the same way about all this crap. I am in total agreement that it's time for us to try and end this epidemic of affairs and torn-apart marriages, etc. But how? I keep wondering what I can do to help reverse the flow. I know all of us spending time in prayer are definitely on the right (and best) track, but I want to do more; I want to warn all the married people out there to guard and nurture their spouses/relationships, to make everyone aware that they are NOT immune, to wake up our country and say it's time for this to stop! Anyways, sorry for the 'tirade' - I was just so thrilled to see that there ARE people out there who believe in morality, comittment, and integrity. Wish we could have a big party and I could meet you all!!

I also wish I had some words of wisdom to impart to you Elan, but all I can offer is continued prayer. From reading many of your other posts and replies to posts I can see that you have got a good sense of yourself, that you are coping remarkeably well, and that you have wisdom to impart to the rest of us. But I do wish I could wipe all those lonely weekends and horrific encounters with your WS out of your life. And that I could magically produce a home for you, a good job, etc. Sometimes it all seems so ****ty unfair, it's hard to accept. You are already a much better person tho through all of this, and I guess that in itself is a huge reward. Really, what is more eternally priceless than that we grow closer to God, and grow 'more into ourselves' as we become more like Him? I DO believe God will work out the rest for you as well, just not exactly "when" you'd like Him to. But hang in there. You are an inspiration to me, and I'll remember you in my prayers. -nel

Man! You people work FAST! hee hee

This morning I got a call for full-time work for a three month position. About an hour after that call, yet another one. I start work on Thursday and who know what happens from there!

Keep praying!

K..who's next??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Elan,

Great to hear about the work opportunities. That is good news.

I amazed at reading through these posts how much we are all going through the same pain. Divorce is horrible for us and our kids.

I hate to watch what my exH has done to me and the kids. It is so sad. I also see it everyday at school. I have had two of my students come up and inform me that their parents are getting divorced in just this month. The majority come from broken homes--and that is exactly what they are. The kids don't know if they are coming or going--it is so sad.

Of course my H--and according to him--his mother(who is a counselor) says they will be just fine. Somehow, I don't think so. It breaks my heart. We need to stop this self-centered way of life. We need to make it harder to divorce--at least until the kids are out of the house. What is happening is a tragedy much larger than 9/11--we have a whole generation of kids from broken homes. You don't think it will affect our society---WRONG. I wish I could do something--but I couldn't even stop my own divorce. How sad is that?

<small>[ September 10, 2002, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: miserynmissouri ]</small>

Statistically they say that 1/2 of the marriages end in divorce. That's a pretty high statistic.

I married a man who's parents were split. It was only after we separated that I found out the nitty gritty details of his parents marriage and breakdown. My ex always told me that his mother was all to blame (that should have been my first clue)... I found out his father was also court-ordered out of the house and restrained from the wife and the 3 kids (my ex in those 3 kids). He broke in through the master bedroom one night and raped her. A couple of days later he dragged her out of her parked car and ended up breaking her arm. I was shocked and horrified when I read all the paperwork from the courthouse that I tracked down.

I then found out that 3 days after breaking her arm, she turned all three kids over to the husband and walked out of their lives. I now know that he most likely threatened to kill her or the kids if she kept them.

Fast forward 30 years later....and the son who witnessed all this (and refused to deal with it even as an adult)...was abusive to his wife. Sure he didn't break my arm, but actually had he have, maybe I would have been heard.

Yes... it is horrid. I made a choice to leave and although it is very difficult at times I have to carry on. It's cruddy and many nights what my kids have experienced (still experiencing living with dad) haunt me. I have to have faith.

GIIC....kid-aholic! lol... yeah. That's only so he looks ohhhhh so good to the public. One day he'll tire and stop. Either that or run out of money and start resenting the time. It's pretty easy being *super-dad* when you don't have the day to day responsibilities of raising a child and dealing with the whining over homework or the having to do chores. My kids who live with dad are pretty much ignored. They only do things when the little one goes on the weekends for her time with dad.

Miserynmissouri -- I hear you. These so called *experts* who say the kids will be fine, don't know what they are talking about. The youngest has been through extensive counselling...the two with dad "don't need counselling because there is nothing *wrong* with them." Yeah.... there u go. I think when it comes to divorce and the kids, it all depends on how it's all handled. Having my kids out of an abusive environment is far better than having them in it. Having them IN an abusive environment is a huge indication that they would benefit from counselling, but you can't *make* them at their age (the judge said he wouldn't order it because of their ages.) It's just difficult any way you look at it.

I find it hard to understand how people just *give* up working on their relationships. Why are some people (ME!) so devoted to preservation of marriage? Why do we want to know why our ex's were the way they were? (well...maybe one of the answers would be so that we don't make the same mistakes?)

Today, I head to the lawyers. In three years of this mess they have NOT done Discovery and that's where we are headed now. Gee...wonder how they'll find all the hidden assets that allowed him to buy his quarter-million-dollar home. I also am curious how they are going to have him explain to the court that he could buy the house but not pay child support. Things that make you go hmmmm....

I dread this afternoon when the reality of being the victim comes crashing down again. In my world, being married for 20 years, raising a family, giving up your career, supporting your husband through university and subsequent businesses mean NOTHING. Basically, he is *allowed* to do whatever he wants. ARGHHHH......