I'm fairly new to this side of the board. Usually posted on EN. Here's my story in a nutshell and where we're at. Sorry if it's a long nutshell.

My H began withdrawing about a year ago, began email/phone EA in Jan, wanted sep in Mar. We went to MC in May-big disaster-MC confirmed H's views of situation, approved of sep. H left beg of summer, has continued EA.

He never worked on getting back together. I thought it was due to his mental state (suffers from depression, was changing meds, maybe bipolar). Turns out he was taping all my phone conversations and claims the things I said about him prove I never wanted to work on marriage. He justifies this by claiming I broke into his emails (that's how I found out about EA).

During spring, I gave it 110%-he said I was phony and too little,too late. Over summer, I continued to try and work on things (invite him over, had SF, offered to go to dr w/him, and to MC) but he would argue, leave angry or indifferent and then I would get on phone w/friends or family and vent. He took this as I was being phony and making him look like a nut. Many of his actions gave me that impression (crying spells, going wk or more w/o calling kids, playing around w/meds, yelling and accusing me of things). He now says that he can't trust me, I don't respect him, support him, or even love him. He won't go w/me to counseling. He claims I made him out to be bad guy and tried to get sympathy for myself from everyone and that too much damage is done (my family and friends). When I ask why he just doesn't go for DV since he has nothing good to say about me, I never get an answer.

He wants to do an anti-nuptial agreement. He says it is all the work of a sep. agree. except that we won't be legally sep. (?) It divides assets, sets child support, visitation, etc. and will become the legal paperwork should we file for sep or DV. He claims it's cheaper ($500 vs. $1500). If we decide to reconcile, you just tear it up. But both parties must sit down amicably and agree to everything before presenting it to your lawyers. This is the main problem. He is very adament about keeping his 'toys' (corvette, harley, infiniti - all owned free and clear - I have vehicle w/pmt and no equity) and paying min. child support. Money has always been a big issue w/him. I can't see this going smoothly. Has anyone ever used this type of agreement? What is the real benefit? Is it a sign he really doesn't want it over, or am I being foolish to hope?

<small>[ September 09, 2002, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: nothopeful ]</small>

I'd be really careful with signing anything without talking to a lawyer. It isn't about you - it's about the kids.

What is the real benefit?

He gets to keep all the stuff, the money, and pay the bare minimum. He sets the standards for the visits - he has the upper hand.

You and the kids eat beenie weenies and pray you don't bounce any checks.

Nope. He's playing games. You are in or you are out. Plan B.

E

Don't sign a thing without an attorney's advice. Someone with expertise in financial matters could probably check over your finances and see if there is any possibility of his hiding funds.

Someone else (can't recall who) had a WH who wanted to do the same type of agreement, but an attorney and a financially-savvy friend spotted some discrepancies which would have left her in a financial mess.

Thanks for responding. I would not be signing anything w/o attorney. This agreement would be reviewed by my attorney before signing. The only difference (as I understand it) between this and a separation agreement is that we (H and I) do all the negotiating of assets, etc. and that we won't be legally separated. It is supposedly cheaper because we do all the negotiating work instead of the attorneys but each of us still has to have our own attorney review it before signing. It mainly just sets in writing child support amount, visitation schedule, division of assets, protection from other party running up debts, and any other stipulation that would go into a separation agreement. My main concern is sitting down w/him to divy up things. He is stubborn about what he feels is 'his'. I wondered if anyone has one of these agreements, for how long do you keep one, and is it really binding?