I am not sure but I think my meltdown this afternoon was triggered by 1)call from STBXH and 2) Anniv. of me filing for divorce on 9/11/01 (yep and at 10 am--what a day. Try to forget that one).

Have been worried sick that OW was in contact w/STBX. He called me this afternoon to say that he was visiting our old house and that the ceiling had just leaked through and other problems have occurred today when he had the electricity cut back on. OW lives about 4 miles from my old home. He was so stressed out. I empathized with him and tried to be a good listener, despite the horrible atrocities this man has caused me. I keep praying God will change him.

He then goes on and says that I should "talk to the attorney (mine) and get this D thing going faster". He just spent the night over here last week. He claims that OW and he are still not together, despite his geographic local and his propensity to lie about that. The waves of pain just started swirling around me and next thing I know, I was lightheaded, tears just streaming down my face. I was in horrible traffic at the time and just blessed that God kept me as a decent driver during this.

He then said nothing could happen (with us) until D was done. He has referred off and on to us attempting to work things out after the D was final. I had had it. He then started going off on me saying that I never was able to finish anything and the D was another example and that I would not want to deal with the house, blah blah blah. That was not true I told him. Then I said, "you can believe what you will about me but I am not the same woman you left last year. I try so hard each day to just become a bit of a better person and I'm doing that. One day you will realize what and who is no longer present in your life. I may not become a CEO of a fourtune 500 c ompany and I may not become as financially successful as you or somebody else, but I am becoming more successful each day. Nobody helps me, I help myself. Nobody holds me when I cry. It has been by God's grace that I am standing taller now". I ended the conversation by saying politely but firmly, "I know now that I am worthy".

All the pain from last year at this time came falling down back upon me. I could barely breathe. It was horrible. I just now stopped crying. I have prayed non stop that God would help this little family. I know D is not what God would want but my back is against a wall. Have been working so hard to just reclaim a portion of my life and my dignity. Despite my tears, I stayed very coherent and spoke kindly and stuck to my principles during the conversation. Held it together despite the obvious tears that were choking in my throat as I spoke to him.

All is lost for this M. I now know that. H doesn't care at all, not ever probably. I have been moving on and doing a damn good job, but this hurts more than anything. I've been thru so much these last several years. My father suddenly died in 99 and in 98 when I delivered my son, my son was extremely premature and I almost died (in hospital 9 days) just bringing him into this world. Think I have reached my breaking point friends. I need God to help carry this pain now. It is almost too much to bear with no family here.

I know that relapses like this happen once in a while, but it has been almost 6 months since one this bad. I am so worried about 9/11. Everywhere I turn there is a story about that date. How would you have felt if you had filed for D on Pearl Harbor Day or some other notorious day that history will never forget? I am trying to heal my heawrt and soul and I can't get away from it at all. Last year I didn't know who to grieve for--my family or the others who lost a family member to death. I lost mine to divorce.

Sometimes I keep reading hoping upon hoping I can read a post from someone just like me, from the brink of a D who could pull it through and their family was reunited. In my heart, I know the reality of this happening to mine is probably not going to happen. Not unless God allows it to.

Keep praying for us, folks. Even us tough ones here have a rough time now and again. Help pray me through this one. I am going to try to rest for a bit and read one of my devotional books for some comfort. It is sooo hard when there is NOBODY to hold you. Son is with his dad until tomorrow. I am ready for some blue skies to appear in my life. It has been so long. God has blessed me with so much and I am almost too frozen to reach out and be bold enough to take it and make something of those blessings because of the fear and pain inside. I had started reading a great book by Dr. Phil about life strategy planning and really set the principles going in my life lately. It has been helping me with the moving on and motivation part immensely, but I don't know why today happened. I do not want to ever feel this horrible again. And yet somehow I know there is some more pain yet to bear. Going to lay down while I read b/c I still feel that swirly, weak feeling. At least son is not here and I can get through this alone without him ever seeing his mommy like this. That is at least one blessing.

Advice and prayers ok?

Peachy,
I will be praying for you, I know it is soooo hard. I remember all of those feelings, and still have them often.

If you want to email me, my email addy is blwooff@i1.net, if you need to talk.

((((((HUGS))))))

NPinGA:

My thoughts are with you! Dates are very funny things, particularly in the wake of an A. We were having a roof put on our house last year. The guy started work on 9/11. On 10-19, when he was almost done, one of his workers set the insulation in a wall on fire while using a torch 2 install roofing. The whole attic and roof was destroyed, and we're still not back in the house. When I found out about that, I forgot about 9/11. Then, when I found out about my W's A on 1/18, I forgot about 10/19! Her A is very much on my mind all the time now, even though we may be getting ready 2 start recovery now. At the same time, she thinks about 10/19 all the time. It's a weird juxtaposition.

Hopefully Hope4future will chime in2 your thread. She was close 2 DV when she realized what she was losing and changed her mind. She's been a great help 2 me (and many others) over the past several months, with a lot of insight in2 the FWS's way of thinking.

My best regards,

Peachy,

(That sounds better than using your initials - npig ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

but I don't know why today happened. I do not want to ever feel this horrible again. And yet somehow I know there is some more pain yet to bear.

Unfortunately or fortunately it's part of healing. There is no way around the pain except to feel it when it comes and then let go and let God. It's hard to go through those times, especially when it seems we have had enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My father suddenly died in 99

Mine died in 2000 & he was the best friend I had on earth. I missed him tertibly even though I know he's with the Lord. H (didn't know for sure if he was WH at that time, now I know.) was in his own world saying he was almost 50 and he was going to have fun. Blah Blah Blah. I can feel for what you are going through, when it seems that life just laid on more than it should. Only God can carry us through these (and any) times. I don't know what I would do without him.

God Bless,

D.

((((((((((Peachy)))))))))))

I hope that you are feeling better.

Those moments do come every once in a while - espcially with 9/11 coming up.

It's ok to feel a little extra emotional right now. It will help you heal.

I'm glad that you realize that you are worthy and a very worthwhile person. It is the WH who is the one who is not acting worthy at the moment.

It's hard to say why God lets things happen. I remember the day I sent my ExH to his mother's house, never to return.... I was heartbroken and praying to God to let everything be ok and to not lose my husband, but now, a year later, H is now ExH and remarried. So, where is the why -

well, since that time I have really grown as a person, my faith has grown, and I have learned that ExH was really holding me back in all areas of my life and would have most probably continue to do so. He also would not have been a good example for the kids, and now the kids have at least one house that they can call a real home.

Yes, God hates divorce, but my ExH wants NO PART OF GOD at all. He keeps saying no to God at every turn. And I know that I cannot live or be married to someone who rejects God like that. And I think that God knew that my Ex had taken a turn away from Him and may not change for a very long time - if ever, so God let Him go. And now I have a chance at real happiness.

It is disappointing when the people whom we thought we knew change in ways that we would have never thought possible, but sadly, it happens, and then it's up to us to decide what to do next.

God's ways are not man's ways and who knows the mind of God? All I know is that even in the face of adversity and despair, God will lift us up, and make our lemons into lemonade. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hang in there during the next couple of days.

I'll be praying. K

Ok. So I persevere. Checked in earlier this afternoon. Am getting ready to do a bit of online banking in a bit.

GIIC, momof4,wgtt, 2long: Thanks so much you guys. Words cannot ever express enough how your prayers and loving words are to me.

Tomorrow is gonna be awful. Everywhere I turn, that trigger, that damn trigger is everywhere. Then I hear his words about the D. Then the whole year plays out. I know it should stop it and I have done it for the most part today. Tonight I went to get a manicure and pedicure and did so good until they turned on the tv. How could I have picked THAT day of all days to file on. Am I ever gonna be able to get over that pain and association? I am a normal woman. Very normal and the last year and a half has been so way abnormal.

I am sick and tired of being alone. Have strived to do what is right. Thought for sure by now that I would not be alone. That I would already be D'd or that reconciliation would have happened. Nada. Waiting on numbers and figures b/c I have to be responsible for me and for our son who depends on mommy to do this thing right so son is always protected irregardless of whatever and whoever Austin Powers decides to do. In the last year, I've seen my dreams for my family shatter around me with nothing to do except to bail out. Had no other choice. Sometimes I really by it, that I wasn't worth it and he didn't try to do ANYTHING AT ALL to save our M but then my brain wakes up.

How much more time and pain does this whole damn thing take? I am ready to end this grief once and for all. Want to lay it at God's feet. But I keep every once and a while taking it back. Moving on is up to me and I have been doing a good job, but Austin keeps coming around every few months, just like he did last week and use me. To act like a H. Think I'd rather sleep alone for the rest of my life than to sleep one night and be held by a man who does not value me. Like I told him in tears yesterday, I AM WORTHY. Why don't I feel like it yet? Thought filing for the D would help me get off this wild ride forever. One year later and a million tears more shed and thousands of dollars in lawyers have passed but I am not yet free. Even though I was a married woman, a few years back I felt free in my soul, in my heart. Felt like I could do anything. I know now that it is me that is keeping me down. I have to let go finally of all of this. My blood pressure over the last three months has been up about 15 points systolic on average. Dyastolic is up a bit, but not that much. Know it is all stress. I am in a financial bind. He doesn't pay me what he should. I was a stay at home mother who has since re entered the work force and still can't tuck anything away at the end of the month and paying double on some credit cards b/c there were months where he forgot conveniently to pay me on time (like 3 weeks late) or drastically short of the original amount. He is living in my/our once dream house and his OW, the monkeyho has enjoyed many nights of passion in my own bedroom. My God, I planted a large flower bed in front of that house. How can he live there without noticing that I am gone? I was gone and it was nothing big. Gosh, it has made me feel so used, so worthless.

One year later, nothing has really happened. I have spent a whole year trying to move forward and have done so for the most part. He asked yesterday for me to speed it up, hell, I will. I will give him his wish provided the numbers are finally correct. Will let my attorney know that I will do whatever it takes to be done to stop this horrible pain. Just am praying that I am so busy with patients and son tomorrow that I will not just lay my head down and cry.

I deserve love. Deserve a stable, good relationship with someone who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Someone who thinks that I am beautiful the way I am. Someone who will want me and desire me because of my inner beauty and not my outer. Someone who will love my son and I equally but differently. Someone who will be trustworthy and know God. This is the worst feeling in the whole world. He just took advantage of my feelings again last week and I was so stupid that I let him. Thought that b/c OW was supposedly gone for a few months, that he would slowly return to his normal self.

GIIC,
Thanks for showing me what NOT TO DO. I almost sent OW an email letting her know that it was one year since my marriage was chosen to end b/c of her actions. Thought again and did not do it b/c she would look good and b/c it was not the thing a lady should do. Wonder if monkey at all understands or could possibly feel how horrible it is to lose your marriage, be denied and betrayed. Never have been jealous of her, never wanted anything that she possessed.

Please pray hard for me tonight and tomorrow guys. All of this has come back to me because of the day, and because I made a stupid, horrible mistake last week and let my H back inside the door of my heart when all he wanted was sex. How could he have done that? Haven't I had enough? I am never going to let that happen again. Only way is if God changes him, but I am going to leave that up to God. If not, our D will go through and one day, maybe never, but maybe H will realize that he lost the most committed and loving and beautiful person in the world and lost the opportunity to raise his son in an in tact family. And if he loses us, one day we will be someone else's gain.

Thank you so much. I don't mean to go on and on, but I am and have been hurting now for about a day. Plan B is now in very firm effect. No more waivering. He saw how I was and for a whole night last week, my plan A was there. Now time to stop the pain. That's what B is for guys and I am there now. No more contact unless about son and preferable email. I will not LB, just not validate anything about his behavior. Not give in anymore. Was firm at B before this last week happened and don't really know why he wanted that? I just don't understand. What I do understand is that tomorrow and tonight I will grieve. Finally try to let it go and just grieve. That chapter in my life is over now. Unless God, the author and finisher, re writes it, there will be another story which will be written. Either way, the story will end happy because although my soul aches now, I know love and I know faith and most importantly I KNOW GOD.

Peachy:

My heart aches for you and your son...the blind selfish actions of someone always get me so po'd. We all need to grieve over heartbreaking events. Sometimes we feel that the pain will never go away, but time does in fact heal all wounds...I know, because we lost our second son 8 days after he was born (had to pull him off life support and he went to the Lord while I was holding him...) I thought I would never feel happy again, but, slowly, God allows the grief to ebb away. Sometimes things would trigger memories, but the pain and grief quickly fade again.

Hang in there! You sound like a wonderful and caring person!! Like you told me...you are deserving of someone special!!!

A group called the Supertones is always good to listen to when I feel down...they have really spiritually uplifting songs!!

God bless you Peach!

Pete