Hope some of you can help with this one, I am very frustrated.

I have two kids living at home ~ 16g and 14b. My ex-husband has the standard every other weekend, Wed. night deal. As the kids get older they are too busy to go to dads. Jobs, school activites, and to be honest, he lives 45 mins away and they just don't want to go very often. I don't think my 16yo has spent a night with dad in a few months, but the 14yo seems to want to go more often.

So far, he really hasn't forced the kids to go when they say no.

This is the problem du jour...

He goes over to my house once or twice a week while I'm at work and without asking me and picks the kids up and takes them for cokes and stuff...I mean some days I had no idea they were gone until I get home. Today he waited for my daughter after school, they called me and said they were taking son out of school early so dad could see him. My son is a poor student and has to stay behind most days to do catch-up work...a deal I made with his very kind teachers. Ex-husband pulled my daughter out of class a few weeks ago when he was leaving for a business trip so he could say good-bye and another time to go get her a cell phone.

I know he loves and misses his kids, but he is just beside himself when I suggest he let me know when he's coming by and or pulling the kids out of school. He won't do it no matter how many times I ask. I can't depend on the kids to call me and tell me as they usually don't know when he is going to show up...and today when my daughter called and said she was with dad and they were about to pull her brother out of school I got mad and said put dad on the phone and told him no...

Now I'm the bad guy. dammit.

Ok...problem two.
In the last few months my ex-husband has bought my daugher:
a new (used)car
new tires
new car stereo
new cell phone - and he pays the bill
clothes...(last spring a $350.00 prom dress!)

he will buy almost nothing for our 14yo son. It's so obvious it's sickening. Visitation times are all about my daughter...he buys these things for her in front of my son and he is just so hurt. He also calls and talks to daughter on the phone for several minutes and does not even ask for son. Yep, this is the daughter that hasn't spent a night with her dad in months...

I guess this has turned into a vent but I feel like I am the only voice these kids have; the only person that can stand up for them...their dad is hurting them, especially the younger one and he refuses to change or acknowledge any of it.

I hope someone reads this and can help me deal with how to deal with this favoritism and the lack of respect I recieve from my ex-husband.

Have you told him that this hurts your son? Have you let him know that the damage in the relationship someday will be beyond repair. You could tell him that from now on, you expect him to do the same for son. When son can drive, you expect a car, tires, the whole thing?

Could it be that because d does not want to spend much time with him, that he is bribing her and she knows it works.

You can tell the school that they are not allowed to leave the school without your permission. Doesn't he have to go to the office to request the kids? In my kids school you have to. You have sign them out and specify purpose of the child leaving early. I know most schools do not allow cell phones, so he will have a hard time getting a hold of D, to tell her that he is coming for her.

Do you think son is so willing to spend time with dad because he does treat D better material wise and time wise, so xH feels he does not have to put himself out to get son. My H's dad, was sort of that way. Except, he was a bit worse. If you didn't do it his way, he would cut you off. I'm surprised he didn't cut me off from the beginning.

I know if I left school early and it was unauthorized, my mom would have taken away my car, and grounded me for what seems like forever.

<small>[ September 09, 2002, 06:17 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Ok coming from a dad's point of view, I would be crushed if my children didn't want to see me and I probably would do anything to encourage some sort of relationship with them. Now I don't condone his always taking them out of school, and I wouldn't take them without consulting you, however, if he feels that you might pull a power play and refuse, then he might feel that he is fighting for his future with his children and to hell with what you think.

I don't know, again, I am not condoning what he is doing, but if the only time I could be with my children was during gym or American history, by everything that I have I would be right there doing it. Regardless of what my wife thought about it. I would rather them know me than the 17th president of the US. I know that you have custody and need to know where your children are, please don't misunderstand me, but they are teenagers and they are with their dad. I think they should let you know where they are, but maybe if you encouraged them substantially to go with their dad on his alotted time, maybe he wouldn't be so desparate to see them at less appropriate times.

I must confess, again, if the only time my children wanted to be with me was during school, I would return to college for my degree in education. I mean, NOTHING would stop me from seeing them. Not my wife, the courts, or the law. My relationship is too important.

What I suggest is that maybe you try to take the lead and encourage them to see him more often, but at BETTER times. This may allow him to feel better. I really doubt that he wants to harm your children, however, he may feel that he has no recourse if he is to stay attached in some fashion. Call him and say, "Hey, why don't you come over and take the kids out to dinner tonight." but say this on a Friday or a Tuesday. something that says YOU are giving. Encourage them to go. I bet that if they start interacting more with him, then he will be more apt to let you know about things and also to be a little more reasonable. He might be sitting there thinking, "That SOB isn't going to keep me from my children." Maybe in some way you have fostered that feeling, even unknowingly.

I understand how much fear mothers can put in fathers when it comes to their chilren. Even though I have 50/50 split, I fear almost daily that she will try to take them for some reason, and I will have to fight for them. and believe me, there has yet to be a court battle that could compare to me fighting for my kids.

As far as the inequity in the gifts, it might help if you very, EXTREMELY, non- confrontationally say you would like to talk to him about your children. Don't say what it is about, just say that you want to discuss his thoughts on an issue. Make him feel that you want his opinion. DON'T jump his case, no matter how RIGHT you feel you are in the process. Take the round-about way of getting him to say why he is giving so much to his daughter and seemingly leaving his son out in the cold. He might not even recognize it, and if you have told him about it, don't forget, YOU ARE THE ENEMY AND NOT TO BE TRUSTED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

My belief and my own experience is that you will get your way alot more by at least giving more initially in order to get MUCH more in the end. Remember, you are the boss of your kids. They look to you as the leader. I really believe that if you sat your children down and really opened up to them that their dad really wants to be a part of their lives, and that you recognize that they might have other things going sometimes, but it would be worth it for the rest of their lives if they would take some time for him. He obviously needs and wants to be with them, so helping to alay his fears, and yes I think that is what this is all about, being left out of his childrens life. By helping to alay those fears, I bet all your lives would be much improved.

He might feel that the 16 year old is almost completely on her own and that he has to do something quick to get her attantion before she is gone and has the "ability" to turn him out of her life.

I fear if you fight him that is what you will get, A FIGHT. I think that the situation calls for the one in control, (YOU) to take charge and "GIVE 'Til it hurts". I mean go out of your way to give him something that he desires. ie your kids time. Really encourage them, maybe even to the point of saying, "You will go". I know that it may be hard because you might not respect him or care at all for him, but think about those children. they will always be part of him, and you never know, they just might need something he can provide in the future. Maybe just support, finances, advice, etc. You can never have too many contacts in this life that care for you like family. But I tell you, I bet you anything that if your children started seeing him more, he wouldn't feel so desparate and would be much more malleable. Work with him, even though it might sicken you. Because your kids ARE WORTH it.

I just am thinking from the "Terrified dad's perspective." I could be wrong. But from this side of the fence ladies, I think that you have no idea how scary it is when your children are involved and all you want is to be involved as well. We often feel completely emasculated by the courts and fear anything that even remotely could happen. Horror stories abound about the dads that get left out in the cold with huge support payments and no real interaction. I believe that this is the fault of the courts of old, when this type of thing was the norm. Now, this is not so pervasive, but when you are a man dealing with this, there is no room for error. Your second chance may come only months or years down the road, and after rarely seeing dad for 6 months or so, children often form a routine in which even should the ruling change, it looks as though the kids are being "taken" from their mother.

Just thinking from the cheap seats here.

<small>[ September 09, 2002, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Part of the spouse that doesn't want the marriage is they don't know how to handle sticky situations. My stbxWH has done the same. No curtesy to me, to ask first, are you doing anything special with the kids? Would it be okay for me to take them out to dinner and the movie. It is the last minute, hectic thing to get ready. I have always asked my H if we could do this or that. I always included him in the planning. But he has fallen in the shoes of I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO??!!!

When I took the kids out to my friends cottage on a private lake, I told WH 2 weeks in advance. That I am going to take the kids to the lake, and asked if he had any plans. Of course he doesn't, he does nothing, but sit in front of his TV, computer, go to the bookstore. He has no friends to speak of. No one to talk to, and no one to do anything with. But I am being the nice person and asking him, because of my thoughtfulness. I have always been thougtful to him and his family, and everyone he was involved with.

They "SCREW" many things, in their floundering for control. Suggestion, is write a schedule out for him weekly, on where the kids are at what time, son needs time after school for special reading class or whatever. Please be there for our kids, but don't interrupt their educational regimen. Write down, dentist appts. etc, and say this day I will be taking them out to dinner at a nice restaurant, no junk food, no french fries, but a nice dinner.

It is good for you to set standards on what they should eat or not. This shows the kids that you are there for their health, and education. One thing that I have always done, color is important to me, is to highlight everyone in a different color. I highlighted when the kids all were in school, (4), school was in orange (one school color), soccer was in green (grass), educational meetings and etc, were in yellow (sun with a face - represents a childs face), blue was for water sports, red was for 911 meetings, or important meetings, band was in purple, to have of utmost importance in our youngest child, royalty, and music to the ears. This was helpful for the kids, they got the calendar down pat, but dad didn't, cause I was there to announce to him every morning what was going on. But, now he will have to just get a piece of paper with the monthly events going on.

Just a suggestion, know it is a little work for you, but it will ease the tension a bit, and this will allow your XH to see that you are trying on your part, as well as the kids will see that you are the willing parent and make it fun, include them in the color chart, and include them in making extra little characters on each day if they want. Just a thought.

Keep your chin up, I am trying to do the same. Seems some days run smoother than others, but one day I will be able to step out into the world wtih great confidence and knowing that I am a good person, not the F*c*ing B*t*ch that my stbXWH has been calling me for 2 years.

Good lluck with the color calendar, it works for me, and hope it works for you and the kids.