I didn't realize how late/early it was until I finished typing out everything that I wanted to say to OW.

OW sent me an e-mail telling me that SHE has read all the parenting books and that ExH was a good parent before the divorce so why did I not think he was one now and that SHE did not understand why ExH and I were having such a difficult time parenting since she and her Ex are having such an easy time of it - and she even quoted a book - "the greatest gift a parent can give a child of divorce is love." Sigh.....

Where is my little bitty violin........

Doesn't she understand that ExH needs to read those books too, and has to choose to actually follow the advice therein?!?!?

Doesn't she also understand that ExH WAS NOT a good parent before the divorce and that is why he is not one now?!?!??!

FOG

I always knew that I would end up parenting with OW, and yet OW does not think this is strange at all. Two pesa in a pod. Total ignorance - which is bliss they say.

Anway, I typed up this entire e-mail about the truth that ExH was withholding from her this past year and the reality of the situation, but when I finished it, I realized that it would do me more harm than good to send it to her because she wouldn't believe it anyway.

She already believes I tricked ExH into gettng me pregnant, that when 6' ExH physically attacked me while I was pregnant that I 5'3" was the agressor and ExH was just protecting himself(sob sob), that ExH did not cheat on her with me while we were separated, and a while host of other asundry things. She is so not in reality. It's so much easier to say that ExH has a mean ExW without looking at the reason WHY she thinks that.

So, I sent her back a short message, thanking her for her interest in the kids and letting her kow that when she wanted to know the truth, to let me know. That's about as nice as I could muster under the circumstances.

And the fact that they both wonder why things are not all moonlight and roses - could it be because ExH wants me to find a job, sell the house, move, raise 4 kids(including a breastfed baby) all while doing it under the emotional strain of having to deal with a ExH who committed adultery, left me while pregnant - and errorizing me the entire time? I don't know. Go figure. But to tell that to them - I'd get two blank stares and a "why are you upset again?" response.

Oh well. Any ideas on our future parenting relationship - I'm talking about OW and I - ExH is already out of the picture when it comes to that it seems.

K

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Congratualations on thanking her... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OW in Fog? I think so.

I've read your threads the last couple of days, haven't had much to say, but this just takes the cake!!!

I have won arguments with my sis just by being super positive and wanting to work it out... at same time using broken record teqnique and not giving an inch... Sounds like showing weakness to OW & X makes them happy for some reason. So, don't show it.

Yes, easy for me to say, but if you're looking for revenge, don't let these people see you sweat. OH!! I remember now, they call it "disarming."

Well, I'm sure that you know all this stuff as an atty, but I'm up late, and wanted to support you on this one! I think you handled the sitch as perfectly as you could...

-bbs

I wouldn't give OW any information or response, until all court documents are finalized. . .

secondly, i wouldn't give her much of any response at all . . .

let the illusions pop by themselves. . . . but it will take time. .

wiftty

Bravo Girl!

What she was looking for was validation on *their* actions and you didn't give it. There is nothing more powerful than being a *lady* and responding in kindness. Doesn't mean you have to agree with them.... you just thanked her kindly and pointed out that you were more than willing to discuss it when she wants the truth.

A little story...the ex's first *public* girlfriend was making my kids life a hell. She would parrot whatever my ex would say to her (he would tell them how mean I was etc.). When she answered the phone one day I told her, "I know you really love *ex*, and I know that he is very charming and everything in the world to you. Thank you for being kind to my children. I do want you to know though, because I care about you as a person, that you really should go to the courthouse to understand why we are divorced after 20 years of marriage." I told her that what was on record was public and that she could access it. I told her there were two sides to every story, and that for her own sake she really should take the time to research it.

She broke up with him.

Now the new one? Will I feel sorry for her? Of course I do, but also I realized it's not MY duty to tell her about him. In time GIIC, she will figure it out. She's in a fog right now, and I can guarantee that he won't be treating her any different than the way he treated you. Think about this...... if YOU were dating a guy and found out that he left his wife while she was pregnant and with three other kids, what would YOU think? (alright...unfair question... you are an intelligent woman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

It is so much easier to tell someone this, than to really believe in it yourself... They can't change overnight...and if they didn't change all the years they were with US... it's highly unlikely that they are going to change their spots now. If these men (mine included) *are* parenting at least one iota better than when they were married ... BRAVO! It's about time, because my kids deserve it!

Hoping you have a better day! You are an awesome lady!

GIC,

Good morning! Not sure you should give up on your Exh as a parenting partner. All of the divorce/parenting books feel it is very important to the children's future. I don't know what you have tried with him in the past, but why not try again? Talk with him alone. Have a list of issues. Don't make any of it personal between the two of you. Talk about children issues only. What are the things you think that he does that harms the children? Do the counselors agree that these things are harmful? If so, give him the book that talks about these things. Would a counselor for your two help? If you are both willing, there is a way for you two to be parenting partners for life. A site that I find helpful is www.comamas.com. The authors of "StepWives" hosts this forum. It is a good support place for women in your situation.

Hope this helps and finds you doing better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by God is in Control:
<strong>So, I sent her back a short message, thanking her for her interest in the kids and letting her kow that when she wanted to know the truth, to let me know</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A perfect response.

GIIC

Thanks so much for your sweet and honest response to me.

Also, I agree in that you SHOULD NOT discuss any more parenting with them until all legal work finished.

YOU DID GREAT. You behaved as a Christian lady would. And, BTW, OW DOES NOT share parenting responsibility. She is not the children's parent, but instead I see her as a temporary parental figure BY DEFAULT in that household. After all, the D stats for M's like that are what--only 3%? Definitely not built to last. It was a M who's foundation was built of quicksand.

Don't let some of this new age bull **it OW AND EXH spout out fog your clear thinking. Another ploy for your validation and their consciences to become less burdened. Children are also victimized by adultery, and a parade of other "parental type figures" may drift in and out of their little lives over time. You are steadfast. I know you will make good decisions for them as time goes on.

And btw, I listed OW's name on my divorce papers b/c I wanted all to know and be able to see if they should desire the truth as well, shoud
anyone care to find out.

It has been my experience that some other BS's go into sort of a foglike state themselves in order
to rationalize the horror that has happened to their families. Acceptance, the whole nine yards of the statement like your H's new W said--"just more brothers and sisters around to love". It is a difficult situation itself even when adultery or other such issues are not present. OW's former H has now entered this acceptance fog.
Your kids do indeed have a stable home and that one is your home.

Personally GIIC, I have a concern about your littlest one. You said she had fallen earlier or something about her carseat earlier? Documented this? I have serious doubts of good parenting skills b/c of your earlier posts and what this OW and H have allowed to go on. Her leaving the kids at a crowded emergency room w/H who was on duty just so she could go shopping? My bro in law is a surgeon and there is no way he would allow his two children to be present there while he was working. Not safe plus you pick up all kinds of bugs/illnessses there also. Just think you should be so carefully documenting this. Good parents just do not do that and he and this OW/W are not exactly anywhere close to Ward and June Cleaver. They are self absorbed. Focus on your children and what is best for them. That is what I try to do. Thank you for being an inspiration to us enduring here.

feminine side: Is this man really being a good parent to his kids? Forcing them to live in an unstable environment and we know of his treatment of his former W? You are well meaning, but think that the new age stuff is nothing but rationalizations to make people feel better about poor life choices. Have you read her earlier posts? IF this guy is going to be a responsible and decent parent, he must place his children ahead of his own needs and his new plaything for a change.
Maybe in time he will grow up, maybe never. He is not a very good parent now but am praying
for the kids' sake that will change.
And I personally do not like the hrase "parenting partner" when the other party has done everything they can to not be a real "partner" to their spouse. That is a really stupid phrase. There is and will never be a "co mama" in the life of my son. God gave my son one mother and that is it. He also has a father God gave him as well. They are not the parents. Do you follow MB principles? Why are you posting here? Heard nothing but advice from you and wonder what is your story here? I don't mean to be out of line, but have read your posts here and there and really wonder who you are..... And I just checked out the info regarding COMAMAS. Fuzzy, sweet, heart felt NEW AGE PSYCHOBABBLE. I am my son's mom...period. That will never be open for discussion.

GIIC: interesting site but might be too much for you now. But definitely a OW's paradise to feel better about herself. Know there are alot of step parents who find themselves innocently in such a position, but not your H's OW. Maybe later in time she will also grow up to be a good mom to her kids and to the children innocently placed under her care sometimes--your precious children. I pray for you daily and ask God to wrap his loving arms and keep safe your little ones.

Congratulations K!

You are the better person and you did the right thing by only thanking her and not letting her have the whole unedited truth. This by no means was easy, but you are so much further ahead with what you did. At this point nothing you can say about your x is going to change her mind anyway, in fact it would probably only draw her closer to him.

I think the hardest thing about dealing with our x's, well, at least for me anyhow, is to know how he was such a taker and a manipulator, to know how poorly he treated me, to know how hard I tried throughout the marriage only to be left in the end, now to see him find someone new who treats him as if he is the end all, most wonderful, giving man on the earth and watch him get a clean slate. It makes me ill it is so unfair. There have been times when I have just wanted to grab the OW and scream at her all the lies I know he has told her, to make her see him for what he is, to pay them back for everything they have put me through. Then I regain my composure and realize that it is just wasted breath and so I bite my tongue and trust in God that it will all work out and slowly but surely, bit by bit, it is. Nothing about them has changed, but I try my best to accept that and live my life around them.

It stinks when you find yourself coparenting with the OW more than your X. I am in the same boat. It is like my husband is still as clueless at parenting as he ever was and she is totally blind to it. She sees him as this awesome father, when in actuality she is doing most of the work, etc. duh! Now I see how pathetic I must have looked as I covered for him and tried to be superwoman to overcompensate for his shortcomings. To top it off my OW only just turned 22. It's like she should be babysitting my children, not trying to be stepmommy.

In the end, remember you are the better person. You are still the mom and you are the consistent parent. You didn't choose the way your life has turned out, but you have to deal with it anyway. Hang in there and find comfort in knowing that you aren't alone.

Congratulations once again on your handling of the situation. Just think of it this way, when the day comes that they finally realize we really were telling the truth, they'll have nobody but themselves to blame.

Take care and God bless!

K

(((((((((((((GIIC)))))))))))

That reply must have taken such STRENGTH!!!

I do not know if I could have been so gracious to XOW. However, hopefully I will not have the opportunity to find out.

Love and light,

Jacky

Dear GIIC,

I haven't been able to answer...but I have been keeping up with your posts. I am sorry you are going through that mess with you H and the OW.

There is not a lot we can do about a lot of it--unfortunately, we do have to adjust to the fact that another person will be interacting with our kids. It makes me sick. I had to deal with that this past weekend. They took my kids to their first soccer games, gave a late surprise birthday party for my daughter, took them out on our boat (she used my skiis and vest)--yuck...the list could go on and on. It still makes me feel like I have been hit by a truck. My ExH gave Kaitie a birthday card that said Miss Leslie and I love you...we BOTH love you. He had them both give her hugs when they left.

The only way I have been able to survive is to try to ignore them and what they do with the kids when they are with them. Unfortunately, my friends call me with up to date reports on what they are doing and wearing and whatever. It is so hard to deal with. The hurt is unbelievable.

Then my H tops it off by emailing me again with rationalizations about why he did this---it is all my fault.....I am starting to wonder.

I keep telling myself that he definitely has character flaws, and I really am the innocent victim in this mess. But why is my life being so hurt...when he just seems to be moving on. It is a sad statement.

Oh enough ranting...I have much to be thankful for--I just feel yucky about this whole big mess...and in the meantime...I just keep plugging along. I don't see an end to this misery for a long time. Not a very positive outlook, is it??? Sorry...Pat

GIIC,
What a great response. I am proud of you and I hope I can be so gracious someday.

I've yet to use this line, but I hear it works great.
"You may be right"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by God is in Control:
<strong>I didn't realize how late/early it was until I finished typing out everything that I wanted to say to OW.

OW sent me an e-mail telling me ...

So, I sent her back a short message, thanking her for her interest in the kids and letting her kow that when she wanted to know the truth, to let me know. That's about as nice as I could muster under the circumstances. K</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't know as I can offer you much advise on co-parenting as my ex took care of all that for me - basically turned both my kids against me so they haven't had a thing to do with me since June '98 - but that's OK - God is over all of this and the Wheels Of Justice turn slowly - but they DO turn...
I applaud you on your response email - it was perfect!
Can you sing, "I took the High Road and you took the Low Road" .... how true in your situation.
You keep the Faith! and God bless you.
Harold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

{{{K}}}

You are the best! I think you handled it exactly the way it should have been done.

I no longer answer emails or phone calls, the best boundary I can set for myself is absolutely NO CONTACT.

Lori