I am still pursuing Plan A, but my gut tells me we probably won't make it. So, I am interested in how (in real life) my wife's affair might impact a divorce settlement, the attitude of a judge etc.

Our story... both in early 40's, three kids (two away at school and 10 y.o. daughter still at home)... married 21 years. Last 10 years marriage was troubled. Wife agreed to meet with marriage counselor in late May '02 with sessions to begin in mid-June. Wife began affair with 59 y.o. man she met in an art class in early June. D-day was July 15th...discovered and saved emails between wife and OM. Confronted wife with affair while also accepting my responsibilities for our marriage troubles. She agreed to put relationship with OM on hold for 6 months. Wife has not seen OM in person, but has contacted him by telephone, email (copies I have) and by letters. While I am making significant life changes to address issues she had with me, at this point she is just going through the motions and will not commit to working on our relationship even if it is possible for us to create a relationship that addresses or solves our earlier problems AND that meets her emotional needs. (At least OM seems to be done with her...he has not answered her overtures as far as I can detect). While I would like to be hopeful, I may well burn out before she comes around.

One article I read said that adultery has lost stigma in the courts like it has in society in general... and specifically that it is not a factor except where custody is concerned...and only if it could be proved that she is an unfit mother.

My wife may be a wandering spouse, but she is not an unfit mother. And while I love our daughter and would like to remain an active and positive part of her life, I will end up living 300 miles away in another state where I own a business. Therefore, I do not want shared or joint custody - if we get a divorce I want as little contact with my wife as possible. All I would really want is liberal visitation rights.

Does adultery figure (either officially or unofficially) into any other aspects of a divorce settlement -- i.e. the division of assets, alimony payments etc.? There doesn't seem to be anything about it in our state's divorce statutes. OTOH, judges are human.

One choice I would need to make...

Should I just go for an uncontested "irreconcileable differences" divorce, or, should I slap her with a divorce for cause (for adultery?)

Any thoughts -- particularly first hand experience -- would be much appreciated.

In Pennsylvania, adultery may be considered among many other factors, when awarding alimony. This is at the judge's discretion. I believe that most states don't even list adultery as a possible factor in alimony. If you have kids, then child support will be larger than alimony, and adultery has no impact on that.

There is no impact of adultery on the property distribution.

Nor does adultery impact custody at all. There would have to be some other factor, like substance abuse or neglect, which is really separate from the adultery.

In Pennsylvania, the no-fault divorce requires a 2-year waiting period unless both parties agree sooner. In the no-fault divorce, the judge can still consider evidence of adultery when determining alimony. My lawyer says the only reason to file on fault grounds, is if the other spouse drags the no-fault divorce out for the full 2 years. I believe that most states don't even have the fault grounds for divorce any more.

You can see it's very state-dependent. To get started, find your state on divorcelawinfo.com.

I'm afraid the basic message is that adultery doesn't matter. It bites.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jcw-newengland:
<strong>One article I read said that adultery has lost stigma in the courts like it has in society in general... and specifically that it is not a factor except where custody is concerned...and only if it could be proved that she is an unfit mother.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My experience and my lawyer support this statement. Unless I could show that my x beat, starved, or abused my kids it would have been tough for me to get sole custody.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jcw-newengland:
<strong>My wife may be a wandering spouse, but she is not an unfit mother. And while I love our daughter and would like to remain an active and positive part of her life, I will end up living 300 miles away in another state where I own a business. Therefore, I do not want shared or joint custody - if we get a divorce I want as little contact with my wife as possible. All I would really want is liberal visitation rights.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you try at all I would think you could prevent your w from moving your daughter. It's my understanding that most custody arrangements include a clause stating that one parent can't do anything to impede the other from meeting the terms of the agreement, and moving 300 miles away would fall into that category. This is something that you should discuss with your lawyer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jcw-newengland:
<strong>Does adultery figure (either officially or unofficially) into any other aspects of a divorce settlement -- i.e. the division of assets, alimony payments etc.? There doesn't seem to be anything about it in our state's divorce statutes. OTOH, judges are human.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, judges are human, but typically issues surrounding adultry are not grounds for any leeway on the division of assets, especially if you're in a community property state.

Alimony isn't as common as it used to be and wasn't a factor at all in my divorce.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jcw-newengland:
<strong>One choice I would need to make...

Should I just go for an uncontested "irreconcileable differences" divorce, or, should I slap her with a divorce for cause (for adultery?)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't see how it is to anybody's advantage to go for a contested divorce. In my case there would have been significant disadvantages in going that route.

Your mileage may vary, of course.

It is indeed very state-specific.

I would also recommend these sites: divorce source, divorcenet, and divorceinfo. They have links to procedures and laws for each state.

In my state, the "alienation of affection" has been used with some success and so affairs DO matter, in at least a few cases. I suggest that you go to these sites and do some homework before you talk to your own lawyer.

I've done a little tiny bit of research for CT laws,re; adultery,,alienation of affection ect...From what I understand, in CT the courts are swayed by adultery somewhat..I could have been really nasty,and gone that whole route,but my lawyer,and a lawyer friend both said it would be terribly expensive,,definately not impossible. I did make sure that my papers,it stated i filed because of my stbxh's adulterous behaviour,,,no way is he getting away totally,,I want to see him explain the papers to any future brides...