Will try to be brief, new to site. D-Day was 4/2/02. H came back from "business trip" to San Francisco, was on vacation with OW. I was reading His Needs/Her Needs while he was gone. Had borrowed book from daughter-in-law. I knew something was wrong, H blurted out "A" details. We met her at 30 yr high school reunion 10/01. They danced together, she admired him. They began PA 2 wks. later. H left next day, says he now loves her. We were married 25 yrs, have 3 sons, ages 26,23,18, first son was his from first marriage of 2 yrs. I was not meeting his EN, also engaged in LB's. I was able to be calm, asked him to make a decision, he chose her. The past 5 months I have read Lovebusters, Surviving the Affair and other helpful books. Five months of "a soft answer" has turned away his wrath, he now treats me courteously rather than furious at me all the time. He still pays all the bills, I have only had a part time job for 2 yrs, spent the last 10 yrs. raising kids.
I filed for divorce to try to wake him up, hearing is scheduled for 10/22. (I don't know what Plan A/ Plan B is.) I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I am able to treat him repectfully and kindly. I am a Christian and so is he, but not OW, have truly deepened my relationship to God in this, it has kept me alive.
QUESTION: Do I continue to call him when something needs repairing, or about good or bad info on the kids (grown)? I have begun to think I am manipulating the situation, wanting to talk to him, see him. Or do I back off and get things done myself, forcing him to call me or the kids to check on them. They don't call him, are still hurt and distant. The book says to separate with as little contact as possible. Right now, he has a "friend" relationship with me and sex with her so he has lost nothing. ALL FEEDBACK WELCOME...I want him back, am willing to wait, but divorce proceedings are ongoing, maybe that was a mistake...

deborah:
You should not have filed for divorce. You have made it too easy for your husband to move on. If you are still interested in saving your marriage then stop the divorce proceedings and do a plan "B"(total seperation from husband until he agrees to end the affair). While performing a plan "B" improve on yourself and anything that your husband has told you that he didn't find attractive anymore. If your husband wants a divorce bad enough then he can file for divorce.

Hi Deborah - if you were following plan A and B then it was probably too soon to file for divorce. On the other hand, nobody can blame you when your husband is unfaithful. You have given him several months, and he has seen some change in relationship with his kids. I would not backtrack now, because that shows waffling and weakness, which would not be attractive to him.

If LBs were a problem before and now you control them, that's helpful for him to see. He still has to make his own decision. Let him stop the divorce if he wants.

There are a couple of other things. Yes, go dark on him about the kids and other matters, make him call.

Second, you should file for temporary support and start covering the bills yourself, rather than let him support you at his discretion. This begins to cut him out of your life. The court order for support could be a wakeup call short of divorce. With a 25-year marriage, he could be dismayed at the alimony he will owe.

Good luck ...

Thanks for the feedback. I feel that if I stopped the D now it would show waffling and weakness. We have already been to mediation. Filing temp. support lawyer said is unnecessary since H is voluntarily paying all the bills. Final D hearing is scheduled for Oct. 22. Oldest son would be upset too since he gave me money to file. H is VERY upset about amount of alimony he will probably be required to pay, since he just bought himself a Z-28 Camaro. Oldest son stopped communication with him 4 months ago, and won't let H see only grandson. Other 2 sons talk to H but says that if he comes to visit, he must stay in a motel. (They both moved to FL. a few weeks ago to go to college.) OW lives in another state and H spends 2 long w/e's a month with her when her 2 kids (9 &12) are with their dad. LB's were a problem but I have them under control. I was domineering, he was laid back, would not confront me about problems or ask for sex when he needed it. I was preoccupied, inattentive. He said he was unhappy for yrs. I have lost 40 lbs. and look 10 yrs. younger. OW is much heavier than me and actually homely, but she meets his EN. I have used Policy of JA when I gave furniture to kids. I am kind and repectful to him, always thank him for fixing things and paying bills, etc. but feel that I should stop initiating communication. I still want him back, but feel that it is too late to backtrack.....