About 40 days from "D" day. My wife calls Monday and is all depressed. I go and visit and she says she has broken up with boy friend for good. She wants to move back home with the kids this weekend after 10 months living in another city. She said she just wants here good life back and is tired of the revolving door policy of her BF. We have been married 11 years and have two wonderful little kids. I say OK let's do it and we will seek councelling. Tueasday AM she sends me and email and calls everything off saying let the divorce proceed. She turns off phones so we cannot talk.
I am perplexed at what to do. I love her and want her home, but have once again hit a brick wall.

Set up appointment with one of the Harley's

This is the Third time she has done this to me and each time it is like starting the healing process all over again. She just keeps saying she can't come back and it's time to move on. She never can explain the why to all of this. It drives me into a state of hurt each time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the Third time she has done this to me and each time it is like starting the healing process all over again. She just keeps saying she can't come back and it's time to move on. She never can explain the why to all of this. It drives me into a state of hurt each time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She may not know the why to all this. She may be very confused herself. Most people get defensive when asked "why".

Maybe what you can do is separate the counselling from the getting back together. You can tell her no she cannot move back home just yet, but that you would like the two of you to get counselling to help you both figure out how to be good parents to your children under the new circumstances. This might motivate her to get into counselling without feeling the pressure of having to recommit to a relationship which may have had a lot of problems from her perspective. Worth a shot-if nothing else, you do need to work out a way to stay cordial with each other while your children are growing up.

El

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the Third time she has done this to me and each time it is like starting the healing process all over again. She just keeps saying she can't come back and it's time to move on. She never can explain the why to all of this. It drives me into a state of hurt each time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She may not know the why to all this. She may be very confused herself. Most people get defensive when asked "why".

Maybe what you can do is separate the counselling from the getting back together. You can tell her no she cannot move back home just yet, but that you would like the two of you to get counselling to help you both figure out how to be good parents to your children under the new circumstances. This might motivate her to get into counselling without feeling the pressure of having to recommit to a relationship which may have had a lot of problems from her perspective. Worth a shot-if nothing else, you do need to work out a way to stay cordial with each other while your children are growing up.

El

roadracer,
My x did the same thing to me. I would suggest that om is back in the picture. My x's om left here one time and even moved out all his furniture, leaving x with very little. She borrowed a card table from a friend of hers just to have something to eat off of.

We started to reconcile. The sessions with the counselor turned out to be her dumping on me. All of a sudden I noticed the x was cold towards me again. I asked if om was back in the picture again and she said yes.

At that point I had enough and restarted the divorce papers. He friend shortly found her cardtable sitting in their driveway, no warning or note.

I am not advocating divorce, but am suggesting that a om is back in the picture. It is really upto you. Do you want to attempt another reconciliation, do you see any chance. In my case this was about the 5th attempt, but there was no real changes made. In one attempt she did say the right things, but that lasted 5 hrs till she talked to om. SHe said I misunderstood her.

When I added all this up and added what my counselor had told me, she felt this was an exit affair, I decided I had had enough.

I believe in MB, but the spouse has to want to also.

Thank all of you for your advice so far. I am very suspicious that the OM is back. She basically changed tunes in the course of about two hours on Tuesday morning which immediatley told me a sweet email was waiting for her plus the fact that she missed work on Monday due to her depression. I will suggest the councilling separate from moving back. We tred this twice before, but the OM kept coming back into the picture after a while. I love her dearly and she knows that. She says she loves me but not enough to be married to me or "i don't love you passionately".

We are still barely communicating as of several hours ago. I am filing for custody of the kids due to her transgressions and instability as a parent the lat year.

First of all... Welcome to Marriage Builders, and I'm sorry that your here... but it's a good place to be based on what I've read so far in your post.
By the sounds of it... she obviously got back together with the "OM"... so she is talking the typical "fog talk".
You stated that this is the third time she has done this to you.
If that is the case, you need to start setting up some boundaries.
If and when the next time she calls wanting to come back home, you need to tell her that you need to see some changes in her before you will consider it.
You are leaving yourself wide open to being hurt over and over again,(and she knows it) as long as you allow this to continue.

The next time she calls wanting to come back... tell her that you want to set up an appontment with a "MC" with her involved, either with the Harleys or find one that is suitable for both of you, before you agree to letting her come back home.
In other words you have to find out if she is being honest with you or not.
It appears that she is using you as a fall back, and a threat, in order to get back with the "OM", when things are not working out between them.
You need to put a stop to that.
She needs to know that you are not going to be there for all of her false reconciliations.
Once she comes to the conclusion that you are not going to take her back at the drop of a hat, then and only then, will you have any possiblity of a true recovery.
Read all you can on this site... it will help you better understand what you are dealing with.
I've been where you are, and it's not a fun place to be.
Save yourself that hearache and heartbreak of it all... in the long run it is not worth it.
I tried to reconcile with my STBXW over 18 times, all false recoveries, so I have a pretty good idea of what you are dealing with and how you feel.
Unfortunately, I didn't know about "MBers then... I found it too late.
It takes two to make a happy marriage, and she needs to show you that she is willing to do the work to achieve that before you take her back... without her working on it, you will have more of the same.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace,

You have put a lot of things into perspective for me finally. The statement about she is using me as a threat to the OM probably hit home more than anything I have heard in a while.

It's strange how hard she tells me she is working on her praying and entering into her local church. Of course, she has not sought their counsel yet which leaves me very suspicious. I have never seen a good person turn ito such a lying creep since i lost a good friend of mine to Cocaine abuse many years ago.

Thanks for the starburst!

J

If she were a true believer... she would already be home now working on your marriage... there would be no false recoveries.
Your wife at this point in time is not the same person you know or married.
They will do things and say things that you never would imagine in your wildest dreams.
Set your boundaries, you are going to need them.
Offer to go to church with her, and see if she will go with you.
Helping her find the Lord is something that you can offer to do.
If she is truly seeking the Lord, then there is nothing wrong with you helping her in her search... if she truly seeking out the Lord.
Once you both have God in your lives, you won't need to worry about anymore false recoveries.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace,

She never would let me go with her to her church in the town where she lives. I suspect the OM was going when he was in town and i wasn't and she would not want to be seen with two different men in the same church of course. She sometimes would go to my church where we lived together, but that was during the second reconcilliation attempt in the spring which lasted about three months. We lived apart during the week but stayed together during "most" weekends.

She read the bible frequently and it became more frequent before I discovered her tryst! I guess people tend to live for the forgiveness part of the bible rather that becoming more like him part.

J

I know of what you speak.
My STBXW knows the Bible very well, has for many years.
My STBXW would do the same... not want me to go to Church with her... not because she didn't want to be seen by anyone with "OM".
She went elsewhere... she didn't go to Church... she went to see the "OM".
It's too bad that they can discard their family, as well as their walk with the Lord, as easy as they do, but they do.
You need to make yourself less available to your "W".
If she is having problems now with the "OM", and wanting to come back home because they are having problems... it's only a matter of time that you will be hearing from her again, when the next problem comes up.
Let her fend for herself, while she is having these problems.
If she knows your waiting in the wings as her safety net, there is nothing to keep her from continuing her antics.
Maybe once she notices that your not there, she may start rethinking what she is doing.
Who knows... she may just start to realize what she is giving up.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Yeah,

I tried to talk to her on Saturday, but she just blew me off by handing the phone to the kids and was as cold as the "worst days of our divorce/separation. I guess she is gone until another crisis upsets her affair. By then, we will surely be divorced officially and God willing, I will have custody of the kids. I have 35 days and counting.

Thanks for the advice,

J