Hello everyone-

The other daywhile repsponding to one of GodIsInControl's posts I mentioned not only the problems my X have, but the fact that I am now in a new and healthy relationship and how nice it is. Anyway WillGetThruThis asked me to post more on it, so here it is.

A little background first. I am the mother of four children under 10 years. My X and I are both in our early thirties and had been married just under 10 years when he left me in Jan. 2001 3 months pregnant with our fourth child for the OW who was only 20. My X is an alcoholic who has a lot of unresolved issue from a very abusive and neglectful childhood. I historically have always been a very giving person. My X is a total taker. Needless to say we had what became a very codependent relationship. In the end rather than get help and try to work things out he found his "soulmate" and left me to pursue the relationship with her. They have now been together for two years and became engaged over the summer.

I worked very hard to save my marriage. My X wouldn't go to counseling so I read and put into action all the MB principles along with Al-Anon. Anyway, my X never gave us a chance once his A was underway. Don't get me wrong, he played the cake eater for awhile, but in the end when the A was finally proven by me he chose her.

After a 13 month separation we were divorced. I never dated while we were separated as I didn't feel comfortable with it morally. After the divorce I had a couple of just friend dates. I was also asked out by a few men who I declined altogether for a variety of reasons. I was leary of dating due to poor choices in the past, but then a couple of months after the divorce a good friend who had seen me through my whole seperation/divorce and knew my whole background set me up with a good friend of she and her husband's whom she felt was a perfect match for me. That was five months ago and we have been together ever since. I can honestly say that I had never been on a blind date in my life, but this time because my friend knew both of us and our backgrounds well, it worked very well. It was like meeting someone whom I felt I had known forever. We clicked right away.

This relationship is so different than any I have ever had. We have a lot of common beliefs, interests, religion, education levels, etc. Like me he is also divorced as the result of an A. We are both former BS's who did what we could to save our marriages to no avail. We both experienced a lot of growth as the result of our first marriages ending as well and work hard not to repeat our past mistakes.

In the past I for various reasons had always been insecure. As a result of this I always chose "fixer-uppers" who required a lot of attention, etc., but gave very little back. My x is a classic representation of the type of man I fell for. The man I am with now is definately not, he is successful, responsible, kind, giving, etc. My X came from a very dysfunctional upbringing. My current man came from a two parent family very similar to mine. Where my X refused to discuss anything, in my new relationship we openly discuss everything. In my marriage I felt more like an overbearing parent, now I feel like an equal partner. I will not say that we agree on everything and that everything is perfect all the time, but we are able to work through things and respect each others needs, feelings, and opinions.

Anyway. I hoped any of this helped maybe even one of you. A year ago I couldn't imagine life without my x. Now I can't imagine life with him. Know one knows what God has planned for us, accept that he knows best. In my case when I finally let go good things really happened. I was very unhappy and I don't believe my X will change. Although I am pro-marriage and anti-divorce I can honestly say that my x's A and our divorce were meant to be. If they hadn't happened we would still be together and I would still be miserable. Now I am happier than I ever have been. Remember, when God closes a door he opens a window.

Take care and God bless!

K

K,

Thanks so much for posting - reading this has brought tears to my eyes. They are good happy tears for you and also that I feel hope for me. A'm a lot older than you and looking back, wished I'd had what it took to do what Im doing today, but I can't change the past. I am happy for you that you are younger and didn't waste so many years trying to make something work that can only work if two truley commit.

In my case when I finally let go good things really happened. I was very unhappy and I don't believe my X will change

K, In my prayers, I keep hearing a voice say "Let go, there's more" I find it difficult to let go and Alanon is helping a great deal. I am now able to watch the antics of my WH and not get involved emotionally. Our oldest son got in an agument with WH and told him he disn't want to be part of his confused F'd up world. (Alcohol and coke)

Although I am pro-marriage and anti-divorce I can honestly say that my x's A and our divorce were meant to be. If they hadn't happened we would still be together and I would still be miserable. Now I am happier than I ever have been. Remember, when God closes a door he opens a window.

You don't know how much I need to hear this right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This relationship is so different than any I have ever had

It was like meeting someone whom I felt I had known forever. We clicked right away.

GIIC has expressed this thought as well, that we don't want to repeat the mistakes of the past and you have shown me (us) that it can be different because we are different. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless,

D.

Still reeling -

I am so happy for you!

Was hoping that there would still be life after 4 kids.......

I am definitely happier and better off without ExH too.

I still do sometimes wish that his new relationship wouldn't work so that I would feel vindicated - so I wouldn't feel like the break-up of the marriage was my fault or that he can't say I told you so, because he really is happier now, so OW must be better or so his family wouldn't keep thinking that I'm the bad one for not just giving in when he left and not letting him have his way. Although, I do feel better not worrying about him and knowing that God has him on his own path to heaven and I have mine.

I can't even think about men right now. I haven't even written a sentence in my annulment petition yet - and that will take a year at least. I also need to rediscover me and get myself together so that I can be the best person for my kids and anyone else who comes along.

Plus they'd have to want to help me deal with Satan - oh, I mean ExH. Why can't he just go away and be one of those fathers that abandons their kids - I know that's mean, but he is so mean to me that I'm tired of the abuse. At least in the marriage I was just frustrated, now I'm being tortured.

Ok God. What's the plan... My life is like a soap opera where they don't give you the script until the day before because they don't want to leak any of the storyline. However, right now, I would like a little hum drum back if I could please.

Any secrets for parenting with Ex? Do you phone once a week? Do you have a detailed parenting agreement? Or does he pretty much let you do what you want? I'm just trying to find something that works here. Thanks.

K

WGTT-

You are so right about letting go. It is so hard and I think you do it in stages like everything else. With it does come freedom however, and that is so worth it. You have a great support system take advantage of it whenever you feel weak or like you are being sucked back into old habits. Hang in there, old habits are hard to break, but with time and practice they do get easier.

I to look back and feel like why didn't I do this earlier. I think that is natural. Always remember, things happen for a reason. Who you are today is a result of everything you have done and been through in the past. No matter what age you are it is never to late to live the life you deserve. Besides, you can't go back so don't waste time with regret. Live today to the fullest and don't look back.

I was very concerned about repeating past mistakes so I did a lot of self evaluation. What I found was that I really was the person liked and admired, not the insecure, unlikable person I believed myself to be. I reaffirm that daily and I really like me now. What I have going for me now is the wisdom of age and experience. I know what I want and need. I also know that I can make it on my own and be happy with that. Once you realize that you can do that and are okay with it I really believe that anything is possible. You too are an awesome person, it is your time to shine. Hang in there!

GIIC-

Yes there is life after D even with four kids including a newborn. It still amazes me, but it is true. The funny thing is that there actually are quite a few men out there that are totally accepting. That is very comforting. I can totally relate to your feelings of not being able to even think of men right now. It is totally natural as you are healing and refinding yourself. Just remember that things happen when they are supposed to, don't close your mind to the possibility of finding someone because when you least expect it it will happen.

A new relationship does make dealing with the X interesting, but you also have a support system. I know personally that my X doesn't like me moving on and has tried to throw in a few monkey wrenches. You know the old I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either philosophy?

As far as parenting. We talk briefly when dropping off. Otherwise, unless there is a special circumstance we basically go our own ways. I know that no matter how I feel about what my X does, that I can't change it and vice versa. I therefore find it best for me to raise my kids the way that I see fit and let him do the same. In the chance he does something I totally disagree with I talk to him, but as I've said before he isn't the pushy type and seems to really enjoy his freedom from parenting so I don't have near the control issues you have with your X. The OW is another story, she is pushy as hell, I think mainly because of age and insecurity in general, but I let my X know right away that although he may respect and listen to her opinion I do not, and as far as I am concerned and the law is as well, that her opinions on what we do with the kids means nothing. So far it hasn't caused too many problems.

Take care and God bless!

K