I can't even begin to recount my historical legacy which has brought me here. It is of vital importance to understanding my condition but I have to shelve it for now so that I can ask the more prosaic questions and, hopefully, receive some pragmatic responses.<P>The short synopsis is that I feel trapped in my marriage. We have been together for nearly eighteen years and married for 13 with a 10-year old daughter. <P>I have not been, nor have I any intention of being unfaithful to my wife but I no longer feel much in the way of affection for her.<P>I realize the right thing to do is to see a counselor, openly discuss the issues and proceed to attempt repairs. The problem is that I have no idea how to even approach this without hurting her. Think reasonably for a moment, not rationally. I would have to ask her to submit to sessions where I itemize my explanations for feeling as I do, explanations that would essentially challenge her self worth, her very reasons for existing. All because I feel unfulfilled. <BR>The enormity of my presumption keeps me from taking this step.<P>I have read Dr. Harley's articles on the importance of recreation and doing things with your spouse. Believe me, I was intuitively aware of this long ago and have made many efforts to structure recreational time and activities together. The problem is that many of my recreational activities are only recreational for me if they represent a serious physical or intellectual challenge and my wife does not share my temperament. This is not arrogance but fact. She was in a debilitationg accident and although she has recovered almost all of her physical functions she is terribly handicapped by fear and an unwillingness to push herself physically or mentally.<P>I cannot blame her. I might very likely have retreated even further than her had this happened to me.<P>I can understand intellectually but emotionally I have no empathy left and I have lost my companion. I pursue recreational activities without her, something Dr. Harley counsels against but have not established any strong bonds there. <P>I'd welcome ideas on how to begin, advice no crossing the Rubicon and addressing my isolation. Thanks for reading and listening.

Hi Rochester,<P>This is a serious problem but you can fix a lot of the parts by broadening your search for solutions. <P>My H and I have similar differences. I detached years ago for many reasons and have been trying to work myself back from complete withdrawal to intimacy, a one-sided project.<P>Our differences are quite pronounced in Recreational needs. I need the serious intellectual challenge, he needs adrenaline. He can't keep up intellectually, I can't match him for power. So...<P>So we do rock climbing. (But my interest and prowess disappear when pregnant, as now.) Obviously technical rock climbing isn't for some one with fear motivations! You may find a surprisingly different category she loves that doesn't bore you to tears. Or vice versa.<P>A lot of hobbies have serious intellectual or analytical areas that most afficionados fail to tap. I can appreciate many sports as studies in human character, development, psychology etc, as well as the logical and strategic details the coaches must cover.<P>Don't forget that RC is only one of the important ENs. What else could you work on unilaterally while she is detached? I would like to invite you to post this question on the Emotional Needs forum too. You will get reaction.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The problem is that I have no idea how to even approach this without hurting her. Think reasonably for a moment, not rationally. I would have to ask her to submit to sessions where I itemize my explanations for feeling as I do, explanations that would essentially challenge her self worth, her very reasons for existing. All because I feel unfulfilled. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Practice rephrasing your feelings in several different ways. You can use that keen analytical mind of yours to compose a message that will express your needs and desires with a good enough explanation ... but one that also sounds non-threatening, or even flattering or self-deprecating. Or you just think entirely too much of yourself! <P>Understanding her, knowing her strengths, and having more that a vague clue as to what makes her tick will help you know how to talk about these relationship things. On the EN board many of us have found the Meyers-Briggs personality type descriptions enormously helpful in figuring out how to reach through to distant or uncooperative spouses. There are several websites and many many books on the subject. Try <A HREF="http://www.personalitytype.com" TARGET=_blank>www.personalitytype.com</A> for a quick intro and starter quiz. <P>Hope to see you on the EN board soon! Good luck.<P>Karenna<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.<p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited August 21, 2000).]

Have you thought of the possibility of going to seminars or classes together? This would challenge your need for growing knowledge, yet she would not be physically over-challenged & you could pick a subject you both could explore. Literature? Philosophy? Theology?....possibilities are endless.<BR>This would give you more in common to communicate about. <P>The seminars might include relationship building information; I never met a woman yet who didn't want to explore this topic further with her husband. (You should probably deal with your end of things in counseling too, though, maybe alone with a counselor).<P>You could build a creative hobby, side business, or do volunteer activity or ministry together that incorporates both yours and her strengths?<P>Just some thoughts that might boost you from boredom!