I have been married for 13 years. My husband is not a bad person, but he does have issues. After spending many years debating whether this marriage should have been in the first place, then trying very hard to make it work (mostly the work was all on my part), taking emotional abuse from him and members of his family (it has sinse stopped because I finally insisted upon it or else I was leaving), and finally trying to reason with him that maybe we both would be happier with someone else, I am getting to the point in my life where I am almost strong enough to insist upon divorce whether he begs and pleads against it or not.

So, how to begin? When the day comes when I am truly ready (probably very soon), do I just walk up to him and say "I want a divorce, get out." ?? What if he says no and starts whining and says he is not leaving? Should I talk to a lawyer first?

I really don't want to live in this house...his parents picked it out, they live very close by and they would be causing all kinds of trouble for me if he and I separated/divorced. However, I have 2 children and am a stay-at-home mom. How are things normally handled in these situations?

Can anyone point me in the right direction to get me on the right path?
Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

freedom,

I think almost everybody who posts on these message boards has felt as you do at some time in their marriage. But, they come here to learn how to build their marriage - to save it rather than break it. Of course, there are also many who can advise you on the details of divorce if it comes to that.

I don't know what kind of "issues" your H has, but if he is "not a bad person" (or as one writer has put it "one of the good guys"), then you certainly should take this slowly. If you must leave, then you should remember that husband's children need their dad and just kicking him out - to replace him with another is not going to work for them.

I recommend to you that you read all the information on this site about rebuilding your marriage - about making it work - before you force a divorce on your husband.

In answer to your question, unless you can prove that your H has physically abused you or the children, you cannot force him out of the house. In fact, his lawyer will advise him not to leave for any reason - no matter how much you insist. When the divorce is done - or when a formal separation agreement is in place - complete with child custody arrangments and visitation, then he might leave. It is unlikely that you will get to keep the house. You will have to sell it and divide the equity. Both of parents have to have a place to live which is adequate for the kids during thier rotation - so economically, you will have to accept that both you and your H (and your kids) will be living in simpler accomodations.

To be honest, when you say "both of us would be happier with others", I suspect that you have another already chosen. Perhaps I am wrong.

When you wrote that you have been "spending many years debating whether this marriage should have been in the first place", it seems to me that you never committed to the marriage in the first place - that you never gave it a chance. You ahve wasted years making each other miserable when you could have been making each other happy. It's not too late to change that - to make the choice to make this marriage work.

I believe that it is possible to change - to make almost any marriage work if both people are committed to it - committed to making it work - committed to caring for the other and meeting his or her needs.

From what you have written, it is clear that already you have made positive changes - by insisting that you be treated with respect by your H and his family. Congratulations for that victory! But, don't stop now. Keep trying. Can you get your H to read "marriage books" - or go to counseling? If so, you are way ahead of most people in marriage conflicts. Often one spouse refuses to work on the marriage.

Please forgive me if I wrote bluntly. I'm afraid that I will scare you away. Others will write also.

Please click on the Concepts link at the top of this page and read awhile - if only for the sake of your children.

-AD

<small>[ March 24, 2003, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>