I am not dealing with this very well at all. My xh has been married over a month now to the ow he left me and our 2 boys for. He has been pushing the ow in my face and in my life and I resent it.

The first push was when he asked me if the ow could come to our older son's (6) orientation for school. I said no, this was for parents and she has no reason to be there, she is not their parent. He then tells me well she is their stepmother and she wants to get involved. I told him this wasn't the right place for her to get involved. Well, she didn't come and that was for the best.

Now it has been continuous pushes for the past couple of weeks. He wants me to talk to her. He said that my not acknowledging her and accepting her is not in the best interest of the boys........they are not seeing something positive. I told him that I have nothing to say to her, that I don't accept her and there is no reason for me to accept her-she's not a part of my life-but I have accepted that our relationship is over and I am moving on. I told him that I never say anything negative about her to the boys and that I encourage the boys to talk about her if and when they want to. I have tried over and over to tell him that this adjustment will not happen overnight, it will take time, lots of time. I did tell him that the boys haven't had a chance to adjust to our divorce (beginning of the year) let alone to his new marriage. I feel like he needs acceptance of his life and his decisions and the same for her and I refuse to give it to them. That is all I can figure about this. All of this came up again recently and needless to say that was the last straw and I haven't spoken to him for 5 days. I talked to my counselor and I finally have had enough.........I have been allowing my xh to still have a connection to me and it has been cut off now. I have never been a very strong person but I am learning to stand up for what I believe in and be firm......it feels good.

I am doing everything I can to make this adjustment as comfortable as I can for my boys (6 & 2) but I just can't be friends with my xh's wife (ow). I can't have dinners and get togethers with him and his wife and my children and pretend to be one big happy family. I don't think that is in the best interest of the boys at all. I do what I feel I have to do for my boys but that is it. I have to protect myself too. He has the nerve to say this would be in the best interest of the boys?!?!?!?! Okay, was his walking out on us in their best interest.......or bringing the boys around the ow within weeks after walking out and we were still married..........or telling my older child we were divorced when we weren't...........or getting married so soon?!?!?!?! That is what really gets to me. I feel like he is trying to lay his guilt on me. What do you think is going on here?

Kathy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am doing everything I can to make this adjustment as comfortable as I can for my boys (6 & 2) but I just can't be friends with my xh's wife (ow). I can't have dinners and get togethers with him and his wife and my children and pretend to be one big happy family. I don't think that is in the best interest of the boys at all. I do what I feel I have to do for my boys but that is it. I have to protect myself too. He has the nerve to say this would be in the best interest of the boys?!?!?!?! Okay, was his walking out on us in their best interest.......or bringing the boys around the ow within weeks after walking out and we were still married..........or telling my older child we were divorced when we weren't...........or getting married so soon?!?!?!?! That is what really gets to me. I feel like he is trying to lay his guilt on me. What do you think is going on here?
Kathy </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can certainly understand your not wanting to be one big happy family with your X and his new wife. I commend you on not criticizing her to your chidren and allowing them to talk about her. It sounds as though you are handling the situation well. I do have some thoughts for you to consider.

It is possible for 2 things to be going on at the same time here:

1)He can honestly believe it is in the best interests of the boys for you to accept the OW as a parent figure for your boys, and

2) He can be wrong.

I think it is in the interests of your two boys to deal with your X as if he is acting in good faith, and not look for motives other than the ones he states. This does not mean you have to do whatever he asks. So you could say something like, "I'm happy to hear that you want to put the boys' interests first. I agree with you that that is important for us to do that. I disagree that it would be in their best interests for Susie Q to come to parents' night and I respectfully ask that she stay home." As for him trying to lay guilt on you-he can try, but you don't have to let him. After all, you are not being mean to the OW, or to him, either.

El

I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to "all get together". Some would think its "healthy and politically correct", but let's face it-it's wierd.
I had the same problem years ago. I just explained to my kids that their dad had a new wife and I had a new husband . We weren't going to do birthdays together anymore.
I had problems with ex controlling conversation on the phone so I just did,t talk to him anymore.
Find a third party if your children are to young to set up visitation etc..
It made life easier for the kids, for me and made everyone realize what is done is done and this is the way it is now.
It's good that you don't bad mouth his wife to your kids. I commend you for that because it can be very tempting at times, but he is her husband now and your children must learn respect for the institution of marriage even if it started with a sin that hurt you.
You'll feel better when you don't talk to him much. Good luck!

Kathy.. the other divorce board I frequent addresses this topic often enough. The parenting of your children occurs between you and your ex. That is not her role. Period. If everyone is lucky, she may be nice or patient or something, but that is not being a parent.

I expect to have to confront it soon.

To me, I "hear" co dependant stuff in your post.
* steps on soapbox;rolls up sleeve and shouts..*

He defines what is in the kids best interest? Whose muster did he pass?

He wants you to talk to her..where are you in all this? He will lay on you what you let him.

Do you know bullsh*t when you hear it?

What do you want ???? No one has to tell you what's in your kids best interest; what does your gut tell ya? Listen to it, not to him! He wants dinners together? Is he insane? And you entertain this? What message does that send to the kids?

You've tried to tell him about the adjustment?? Tell him nothing! Live it. Live the boundry you're telling him about. Explain nothing. He does not judge. You own your actions, and he has shown you who he is.

*stepping down now*

I was glad to see your name when I stopped in; we were in "battle" at about the same time..

Have you read Evans "Controlling People" or " Verbally Abusive Relationship" ? How about "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud? He's making bids for control, and you're handing him the reigns (sp?)

To steal a great closing; blessings, and peace.

(( Kathy))

<small>[ September 12, 2002, 06:33 PM: Message edited by: Family Man ]</small>

Abandonedmom -

I feel your pain.

My ExH is doing THE EXACT SAME THING with the new wife(OW). Married her right before school started, bought the new house and set up the instant perfect family just in time for the new school year.

He is forcing her on everyone and peole are uncomfortable with it and they want him to stop, but he is trying to validate his actions and show me that he was right and I'm wrong.

My therapist told me that I was hurting myself too much by being around ExH and OW so not to do it. Blame it on your therapist if you need to. The kids already probably know that there is someting between the two of you hat is not right, and kids know when you are trying to be fake - like if you were trying to be fake happy with OW.

We need to set boundaries and stick to them. We can learn to say no just as well and easily as our Exs can. It's hard but doable. I wish I had the magice answer.

K

Thank you all for your responses! I feel much better about my feelings regarding this entire situation after reading your posts.

elspeth - I am trying really hard to keep my feelings to myself and not expose them to my children regarding my xh's wife (ow) and I have been successful so far. It has been very difficult but I don't want to hurt my children and make things any harder for them. I am really working on the guilt thing and standing up to him and not allowing him to control me anymore. The last couple of times I have talked to him I have made my conversations very frank and to the point and did not allow anything else to be said except regarding the children. It felt really good. I got off the phone and I felt great, not mad and angry. One more step accomplished.....

ezra - I agree, I have felt much better this past week not talking to my xh very much except for a few things concerning the children. I am finally setting those boundaries..........

Family Man - Thank you for your post. You really hit this right where it counts. This past week I have finally started to really push forward my boundaries and stay with them......and it feels really good. I don't know why it has taken so long but I feel better so I know what I am doing is right. There is co-dependency and I am dealing with that with my counseler and also the controlling behavior of my xh. I do have Evans books and I am currently reading them.....got them last weekend. I have told my xh that talking to his wife is not an option but it is like talking to a wall. I have told him that dinners and get togethers are not going to happen and I hit that wall again. I have finally hit that wall enough that I have really realized what I have been allowing him to do.....again. This past week has been very hard because I am cutting off that connection we had. I have been trying for so long to do this and finally I had enough courage to just take my life in my hands and live my own life........I feel good, much better than I have felt in awhile. My gut tells me no way, hell no, are you insane?????!!!!!! I am finally listening to those feelings. My biggest problem since our D has been telling my xh too much, more than he should know. I quit doing that this week. I have taken one more step towards healing........

GIIC - You are right, boundaries need to be set and I finally set mine and stuck to them this past week. I feel good, I know this was right. My xh controlled me throughout our marriage and I am trying very hard to lead my own life on a separate path....boy is this hard, but I know it is for the best for me and my children. I have finally gotten it through my head that there is no talking to my xh about not pushing his wife (ow) on me or the kids or about anything else. I have put my foot down regarding what he hears from me......only things about the children and no more. Everyone is uncomfortable around his wife because of his actions and his actions alone. It isn't my problem. I will deal with it in my way. I am finally getting that strength to stand up to him.....it has been really hard this week but I know I can do it and it is my right....I need to protect me and my children.

I read you post and have to say that I feel for you. I do not understand why you have to be "nice" and respect his new wife. It sounds to me like he used you to "harvest" children and then present them like a bouquet of flowers to his new bimbo.

I would tell him if he wants this &@#$! to be resonsible for children - let her get pregnant and carry a baby for nine months and push them out and stay up all night meeting their every need.

Sorry, but I can not stand the idea of some "woman" taking a man away from his family and then acting like she should be respected and treated like something special.
Sorry had to vent!

I think that I have been misunderstood on a couple of things. I am definately against infidelity and feel that the best thing to do when there has been an affair is to END IT and reconcile with your spouse. God hates divorce. It affects so many lives.
When someone goes ahead with a divorce and marries another, THEY are now married and its the institution that should be respected and upheld. One marriage vow isn't anyless important than another.
I have never been a OW but when I married my husband, he was long divorced. His wife left him for another .
His grown children treated me like we were just shacking up or something-very disrespectful and rude to say the least.I didn't even have sex with him until we got married because I wanted to do things right.
It got so bad that we cut off all ties to his family for years until they realized that if they wanted any kind of relationship with their dad, they had to respect his marriage. I wasn't trying to replace their mother or looking to be "special" just treated as his wife which is what I was.
So if your ex's are married, the chance of reconciling is gone, they are remarried and the woman is now his lawfully wedded wife and the commitment is Holy. Even Bathsheba and Davids Marriage was blessed-not without serious consequenses though.(I don't understand why David had so many wives-it must have been a real hen house!)
My ex's wife is not always kind to me. I at times need to stick up for myself. But when my children disrespect her as his wife, I stop them in their tracks and staighten them out. They are married now . He is her husband. I never tell them that she has to be treated "special" though, but as a wife-yes. It's better for my children. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that marriage isn't a covenant to be honored. Otherwise I would have the attitude of a mistress right?
What is done is done. It's past.
I am not saying that there aren't wounds, but I don't want to keep the scab open either.

ezra - I feel that maybe I have been misunderstood also. The ending of my marriage had to do with an affair and other things and my xh had the affair and my xh ended the marriage. I tried to hold on for a little while but finally decided that it was time to move on and live my own life. Yes, he is married now to the ow......his choice. Do I respect him and her? No, I don't.....my choice. Do I force my feelings on others? Absolutely not! They were wrong for what they did while my xh and I were still married and separated. I know that they will have to answer to God one day for their choices. I still don't respect them but I am civil and courteous.

I have never been mean or ugly to his wife, or rude....nothing like that. I speak to her only when it is warranted regarding my children and that is it. My children will not disrespect her, I will not allow it, because she is their father's wife. It is wrong that she is being forced in their lives and adjustment is not being allowed but they will suffer those consequences on their own.

I do feel as though my xh's wife is being pushed into my life and I resent it. I am very defensive because I feel like she is trying to move in on them as their mother and she is not their mother and never will be. My children are very uncomfortable and I can see it. Yes, she is their stepmother but there are boundaries and she is crossing them.

They are married, fine. I could care less at this point in my life. My concern are my children. They ARE being hurt by all of this......they need time to adjust and they are not being given that. I need time to adjust and I will adjust in my own time and my xh will NOT force me to do anything I don't want to do.

I am just concerned about my children.

Kathy

Hi,

I think that you are doing the right thing. You and your ex are your kids' parents. You and your ex and his new "wife" are not a family.

And to accept into your life the person who caused you and your children great harm at this juncture is wrong...I heartily endorse your views and actions on this.

Treating her as if she is a "legitimate" stepmother is truly crazy and would be confusing to the kids, particularly when you are still hurting as much as you are. That might come in time but is not a role or right or responsibility that is automatically granted to her because she is now married to your ex.

To be quite honest, you don't ever have to accept her as part of your life...that is not to say you hold a grudge against her forever, you just don't ever have to have any kind of relationship with her if you don't want to.

Your ex feels guilty, he needs your approval to feel less so. This is not the way to right a real wrong. Hold steady to your views. Listen to your gut. Time and distance will help.

jtois

If this new wife helped end your marriage, you definately have reasons to feel the way that you do. And certainly any acceptance of it all would tke time to say the least.
My situation was differant, as I stated. I didn't even know my husband when he got divorced and she remarried first. I don't know why my husband's children treated me so bad. It really hurt my feelings. His daughter even called me "the blonde bimbo" to my face. And both of my parents died nine months apart and this is when they were all the worst to me.Who knows.
I got an apology letter last winter and accepted it and we are slowly beginning to spend more time with them. I hope things go better this time.
As for children of divorce, well I feel badly for mine. Christmas here, Christmas there and so on. My parents didn't cheat,swear, drink or anything.They were married over forty years. I have really no idea what it is like to be in my children's shoes.
I know that we live in a weird age where people changes spouses faster than cars wear out.
It's hard as a woman who had children instead of finishing college to reallsupport herself in the same way. I got child support, but for awhile worked three jobs and tried to raise seven children. How can anyone do that?? I was lucky to have meals made and laundry done. As far as a neat house-yah right!!
So I admit that the main reason that I remarried was for my kids, not me.My husband is aware of this. I do love him now though.You make alot of concessions in life when you have kids that you never thought you would.

AbandonedMom,

Thought I’d chime in here, as I’m step-mom to my husband’s children.

We met shortly after he and his ex divorced and married almost 2 years later. She left him and the children for the OM. Even though she lived with OM for the last two years of their marriage she sees me as the OW. It’s very strange. As she told him “I was shocked that you moved on so quickly.” What?????

She has had very little involvement with her children for almost 5 years now. H has custody of them so they live with us and visit with her occasionally. In our case I am the primary ‘mother’ figure in that I’m the one with them day to day. She is more then happy to let H and I do everything for the children. Then she waltzes in and is the ‘Prima Dona Mother’.

She insists on absolute loyalty from her children. That means that they have to badmouth their dad and me to win her love. She has set up a situation that has made parenting them very difficult. My stepson has actually told me that his mother requires this from them. I’ve seen it too. She says mean, hurtful things about me to them too. Like ‘Your dad and Zorweb don’t make a good couple.’ And ‘Don’t get too attached to Zorweb. Your dad is going to divorce her once he realizes what a b!tch she is.”

Though she does not want to be a full time mother, she resents my involvement with her children. She has refused to deal with me to do with anything about the children. She ways my H is their father so she will only deal with him. It makes sense to an extent except that she is more then willing to let me take financial responsibility for them, take them to doctor appointments and on and on.

My point is that there are instances when it makes a lot of sense for the biological parents and the stepparents to work together. There are times when it is in the best interest of the children. My stepchildren suffer terribly for this mess. Is it ‘unnatural’ as has been suggested? I’m not sure. Where I’ve seen it work the children benefit greatly from it.

Don’t get me wrong; I am not suggesting that you should embrace her as their stepmother. I would have the same problems you are under the circumstances. You are still very much their mother. They do not need her. Though they will need to respect her as his wife. In reality you only need to deal directly with your ex. You have no reason to talk to his new wife. You must do what ever will protect both you and your children. If dealing with her is too painful for you, then stick by your guns.

I admire that you don’t bad mouth her. I know that I would tell my children that I have a problem with her because of the affair. But that I will respect her as his wife. But I’m very open with my children about everything. A simple statement of fact is not, IMHO bad mouthing. It helps the children understand the heavy emotions in the air. And it lets them see the parent acting in the right manner even under bad circumstance … a good lesson for children to learn.

I have learned some things about step parenting. It is not for the weak hearted. Children will almost always cling to the idea of an intact family and resent any stepparent who enters their life. It takes a lot of hard work and a lot of self-confidence to make it work. I think that your ex and his new wife are in for a real shock. For some reason ‘stepmother’ has a terrible connotation. Children generally have a very hard time adjusting to all of this. Right now she and your ex are working very hard to make theirs a ‘happy home’. Your children will probably, as any child would, take advantage of it and manipulate the living daylights out of them. So the honeymoon may be short.

If you are so inclined you may want to read the book “Step-by Step-Parenting”. It will give you a lot of insight into what is going on in your children’s heads about all of this. And what your ex and this wife should be doing. You may be able to help your children handle this better if you have some background in what to expect.

If you were inclined to help the ex and the wife (for the sake of our children), you could give them a copy of it too. One of the points in it is that the stepparent has to take a back seat and let the biological parents do the parenting.

As I have said on more than one occasion, no marriage based on an affair can ever be valid.

I believe it is very wrong to tell your children that they should respect someone based on their position. Respect is something to be earned. I would never tell my kids that they "have" to respect anyone - not me, not their teachers, not the police - I might tell them they should be civil, but I have no right to tell them how to feel, and respect is a feeling, not an action.

Ezra,

It makes me horribly sad to think that a father would cut off communication with his own children for any reason - it should not have mattered how they felt about you, they are still HIS children. I have to wonder if they disliked you because they suspected that you were marrying for some reason other than love - like perhaps his money. I, too, was left raising a lot of children (6) - I must say that although I understand fully that life would be much easier financially if I had another adult in the household who could share expenses, it is certainly not worth marrying someone you don't love.

AbandonedMom,

I have found that in many cases it is the OW who pushes for "acceptance" of their relationship, and the man goes along just to avoid conflict with her. If, however, the first wife doesn't back down, then often he will.