Every time my ex has had the children, they are returned at 8 pm hungry, because they've just had a hot dog or lunchable or frozen pizza. They have also not done their homework and have been allowed to play Nintendo, watch movies, etc. instead. Soooo.....by the time we eat and do homework the kids are in bed wayyyy too late.

I don't know how to make him feed them better, but I got to thinking that if I had a reward for the kids having their homework done maybe they'd nag him into helping them. Any suggestions? I don't like using food and I don't have much money......but can't come up with any other good rewards. They are 7, 9, and 11.

Question #2. How do you handle daddy having a girlfriend who stays overnite and kisses him in front of the children....we've only been seperated 4 months, and aren't divorced yet, and it is upsetting the kids.

One important fact: There is a no contact order against him so I can't discuss any of it directly with him and going thru the lawyer is an expensive waste of time.

Don't you wish you could make them see straight?!

He knows he's making things tougher on you. You know that by now.

The only thing you can do is document at this point. Some judges will allow a temporary order that prohibits opposite sex overnight visitors ... not much you can do about him not feeding them appropriate things or helping them with schoolwork ... you might speak with their teachers about the situation.

Best of luck. Wish I could say it gets better with that type ...

I had problems with that for a while with my x too. She would drop them off at 6:00 and they hadn't eaten. I just kept *****ing and she finally started getting better about it. I told her I was going to charge her for meals since they were with her, that was her responsibility.

I never heard anything about displays of affection in front of the kids. There was some for my attention, but my kids never said anything.

The meal thing has gotten better since om is out of the picture.

My g/f is having trouble with her x too. He is all upset that the kids are in a church play this Sun, his day, so they have to do whatever HE wants to do after that. HE also told her he is going sailing on Sat so he will drop them off on his way.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

You too?!?!?!?

My Ex always gets the kids ICEES every day after school or soft drinks or something(and then he didn't want to pay for dental care!!) and of course doesn't give them dinner - because they've just eaten junk.

He also had them during the week this week and 3rd grader had a test on Thurs. and two on Fri., but instead of makign him study for his tests he takes them horseback riding Wed. night, and doesn't make him study the other nights, and the kids are exhausted when they get to my house.

Someone has got to hav esome answers to this one.

So far all I've been able to do is talk to the kids about how they need to be responsible and try to get them to do some of it on their own.

Good rewards are - going to the dollar store on Sat. and letting them pick out one item from the store, which is great becasue everything's a dollar. Other suggestions that I've gotten are telling them that you'll play an extra game with them when they get to your house if their homework is done, or maybe some t.v. or computer time - that way they'll have an incentive to do the work at dad's house.

The Joint Custody With a Jerk book addresses some of these problems, but the answers are mostly to figure out how to work around the jerk spouse.

I wish I had more answers, but I'm having this problem too.

Oh, another suggestion was when you tlak to him. try to empower him by asking him what he's making so that you don't make the same thing the next day, nad then maybe you could slip a few tidbits that he needs to know in there. They have alot of good frozen entrees out there to eat. The kids can also suggest their favorite frozen foods, and talk to dad about the menu.

Of course don't do what I do, which never works but makes me feel better - sending him e-mails about the problem - like he even cares .... I have to stop that one.

K

<small>[ September 12, 2002, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>

I don't have any solutions, but a possible comfort.

After I divorced XH, I attended a singles group sponsored by a local church. One night they had a presentation about games divorced parents play. One of them was the Santa Claus game, in which the non -custodial parent tries to be Santa Claus to the child or children during visitation.

The next day, my son asked what I had been doing the night before. I told him about the talk, and gave a brief rundown of all the games, with no particular emphasis. (He was around 6 at the time.) When I got to the Santa Claus game, he said, "That's the one my dad plays with me."

I was amazed that first of all he would pick up on this and second of all that he didn't like it. I commented that it was hard for his dad not being able to be around his son all the time and that he was trying to make up for it.

Several months later, Kiddo was having trouble in school but didn't want to tell his dad. I pointed out that if he didn't want his dad playing the Santa Claus game with him, son would have to be honest about what was going on in his life. I thought, "Gee, I am talking WAY over this kid's head", but amazingly enough, a few days later he told me he had thought about what I had said and decided to tell his dad about the trouble he had in school.

So if there is a moral to this story, it is that children really know what they need from parents, and it's not Icees and being allowed to slack off on homework. At some point, the kids themselves will start to gripe, and then Dad will have to take it seriously.

Thanks for the suggestions, maybe some will work! And now for a "Santa Claus game" that really takes the cake....last night my oldest son came home all excited about the birthday present his dad gave him (he'll be 11).....a motorized go cart! "Dad said it cost $1,000" he bragged. Now this gift is from a man who makes $1400 a month, can only afford to pay $500 in child support for 3 children, and thanks to a $140,000 inheritance he recieved a year ago, lives like a king. I don't get any of the inheritance, or anything that was bought with it (the house, his Harley, his truck, the hot tub, his girlfriend, his Viagra), because by Iowa law, it's all HIS. And he wants to make sure I don't forget it. Well, the good news is that he's got less than $20,000 left, so he'll be poor like the rest of us soon.

I hear ya. My son has a "Grandma Claus" ... he informs me she's already said she's getting him a Game Boy for Christmas, and further, that he MAY NOT take it home!

I'd like to think that if it were indeed HIS present, and not some sick display of buying his affection, that he could take it where ever he likes. It isn't like a bike, that might be difficult to transport to and from home ... am I off here?

signed,
Grinch Claus, who only buys socks and underwear

Grinch Claus is giving her kids what they really need in life- attention to their needs and best interests. Believe me, if they don't see it now they will someday-after the Game Boy is relegated to the junk pile.

AND......turns out Mr. Claus also stopped by school to feed the whole class cake and ice cream and give him a card with $5 in it! What a great dad....funny how he couldn't take his son to meet his new teacher during the before school open house, but he could show up today.

Gee, all I did was invite his two best friends over for pizza, cake and ice cream and take them to a movie....and custom embroidered a shirt for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Actually, my son does appreciate what I do too. But you'd think there'd be some way to make these dads realize what jerks they are!

Please Annavon,

Don't use the 'These dads" thing. I understand that you have been hurt by your husband, and I know that you don't mean it in a general sense, but I am hypersensitive to the bad father thing that is so pervasive in modern America. In my mind I understand that more often the man is the one that leaves, deadbeats, etc. But please for my heart's sake don't generalize. I know that you don't do it on purpose, but the sense that I get in my stomach sometimes just reading posts hurts me before I have the chance to get the message to my brain that "She isn't talking about me."

I too feel the "need" to entertain my children all the time, and I have them 50% of the time. It is more planning to stay at home and do nothing, than it is to go out and do something fun. I almost feel like I am letting them down by being here on the computer and they are down watching TV. I know that we must try to have more of an atmosphere that can be long term, but I still feel somewhat bad about "not doing things".

I am not defending the buying of affection. Believe me that comes across my mind anytime I buy anything. I have actually probably bought them less since we separated than before, simply for the fear that I will either BE or be ACCUSED of buying affection.

Take heart, not all the divorcing fathers are horrible. Many of us simply are on the wrong side of a marriage that has ended in the obliteration of infidelity.

Here, Here!

Substitute WS or selfish spouses, no gender bending required or needed or appreciated!

I am the NCS and the kids lives are hell here because I am tough on their behavior, and they have to earn my respect. . .

AND I HAVE TOLD THEM THAT PARENTING IS NOT A POPULARITY CONTEST! more than once! do youknow how many times i have just pulled the car over and stopped and sat waiting for them to stop attacking me when i have picked them up?

I use the Harley rules with kids all the time. . .i jump them when the DJ and AO come out. . . all i have to do is point to their bedroom, and off they go. . . .

One day, DJ flying, I sent daughter to her room, and on the way, she yelled out, "I don't care if i go to my room or not." I said "fine. . . you don't come out for the rest of the day!" she was let out 4 hours later, and she watched her brother and I play soccer right outside her window. . . she never did that again. . . in fact, not soon after that, she has stopped nearly completely. . .

The NCS DAD tutored the kid to pass his SSAT's, helped son, but did not do for son, to write a good essay for acceptance to private school . . . the custodial parent, a teacher, has done homework for the kid! the NCS Dad/soccer coach benched his son about 5 times during the Fall soccer season for mouthing off to Dad during practice in front of the team. . . until he got the hand of being respectful . . .

i am not anywhere near easy on my kids, because i have nothing to be ashamed of. And when 10 yr old daughter started a typical manipulation scheme like her mom, I called her on that one, and told her that manipulation doesn't work with me. . and boy, was she mad at me. . . and she stayed in her room mad, and tried it again, and got the same answer, and was still mad, and then it stopped. . .

swiftty

<small>[ September 13, 2002, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I too feel the "need" to entertain my children all the time, and I have them 50% of the time. It is more planning to stay at home and do nothing, than it is to go out and do something fun. I almost feel like I am letting them down by being here on the computer and they are down watching TV. I know that we must try to have more of an atmosphere that can be long term, but I still feel somewhat bad about "not doing things".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kids are creatures of habit. What they want is the security of a routine. There's nothing wrong with doing something fun, but it should fit into an established routine that takes into account their other needs-like food, rest, time with their friends, and homework. And if they are with you 50% of the time, they have time to do some chores, too.

Ellen Galenas in her book "Ask the Children" points out that children need two kinds of time with parents-hang around time, and focused time. Don't underestimate the importance of hang around time-when you're on the computer and they're watching TV. Just knowing you're in the next room is important to them.

The point I was making about Santa Claus dads is that my son didn't like it-it felt weird to him. It created distance instead of closeness, because this wasn't the dad he knew. I understood why his dad behaved that way, and it had nothing to do with buying his son's affection. Like you, his dad wasn't sure what else to do.

My ex drove *me* crazy when we first split. Feeding the kids junk...not feeding them...no homework, no rules...you name it.

What I did was the same thing I did in my marriage all those years. I continued to *fix* things....all the reminders, lunches to dad's etc.
BALONEY! When I started letting the kids be responsible for THEIR homework, it started getting done. I did talk to their teachers and explained the situation. I can't *make* dad supervise the kids when they are supposed to be doing homework, but it's not MY job either to keep them up until it's all done when they return.

What happened was the kids had this wonderful weekend with their father...and came home to Mom shoving nutritious food at them and MAKING them do their homework. They didn't want to do it. It only took a few times of having to *explain* to the teacher WHY they didn't do their homework (and yes...as young as 7 years) that they took responsibility THEMSELVES. The one that lives with me is an Honor Roll student and is well liked by teachers and her peers. The two that live with dad, with NO rules or guidelines basically are failing school. But that's ok...cause THEY have freedom (sarcasm).

Children are to be guided, but ultimately they too are responsible for their own actions. If they were too little to help themselves (food) then I would be stepping in and going through the lawyer. No child has died because of ONE missed meal. If they don't eat dinner that night before they came home, I offered a healthy snack (fruit, vegetables, cereal with milk) and if they didn't like it, oh well! As much as it pains me to know they eat garbage when they are over there...I know that in MY house they are eating wisely and properly. When kids know the limitations of your home and you are consistent, they are less likely to play the *game* and twist you into a pretzel every time they come home.

When it comes to homework, the kids KNOW it is their responsibility. They also know that if they need my help, it has to be on MY time (and not 9:30 or 10:00 at night). It's hard...and painful at times when you KNOW it could have been avoided had the ex been a decent parent.

As for the girlfriends in the background.... I can't control what my ex does or doesn't do. Is it what I would do in MY home? No...but it's HIS home. If he is doing something that is hurting the kids, I have the option of going through the legal route. My ex has his girlfriend sleep over on a regular basis....thus, our oldest daughter also has her own boyfriend sleep over. Not much he can do about it, because he's boinking his girlfriend outsides of the confines of marriage.

Yes...it greatly distresses me....but I have my OWN morals...that are obviously totally different than his. My kids see my example as well as his. When he breaks up with girlfriends time and time again, it's not a good thing for the kids, but again, I don't have control over that. As much as this sucks....that's the way it is. We can't control them, and when you realize that, it's easier to let it go.

These men (and women) have morals and values totally different than ours. To them, their actions are ok. When we find out about it, it pains US because it affects our children. Realize that the pain you feel is justifiable, but when it comes to divorce, there is nothing outside of a court order that can *make* them do anything. (In the case of MY ex...even a court order won't do it).

Give your kids the tools to work through this. Tell them how important nutrition is, and that you worry about them when they don't eat properly. You can only control the quality of food in YOUR home. Set up a parent/child/teacher interview and stress your concern that homework is not being done at Dad's house and perhaps the three of you can come up with solutions to work around that particular problem. State your boundaries (I am NOT staying up until 10:30 at night to do homework). I found the teachers were more than empathetic and worked miracles when it came to helping educating our children (even the two with dad -- they are aware of the issues and worked constantly around it.)

I agree. Being a good example and empowering the children to handle life are the keys - and praying for them on a daily basis also helps too.

K