This is in response to WGTT. No letter yet about reasons why our marriage would be impossible to restore. Got a phone call at work today from WW out of the blue. Have'nt talked since 8*26*02. Went like this; Hi how are you. How is your daughter, how are the pets? Im broke looking for another pt job to go with 38hr full time job. Not much to say to this since Im working 1 full time job and 2 pt. Anyway she mention she would send the letter. Its done. By the way our 6th wedding anniversary is Sat 9*14*02. I have a feeling thats what she called for. Some marrital memories perhaps
The divorce is still hanging since she filed 6*25 Last thing I knew she was waiting to pick up and swap our financial disclosures. We are doing this ourselves No lawyers involved.
The phone call ended with me saying busy got to get back to work and silence on her end like she was waiting for more. I did'nt. I will probably post the impossible reasons when I get there. Hanging in here like all of us BS'S.
P.S. Read 2 books to help me Get Through This. Consceince Divorce and Spiritual Divorce. I see alot of similarities as far as losing resentments and moving on to the future. Take Care and God Bless.

Nitehawk,

Good to hear from you. Sounds like you handled phone call pretty well.

The phone call ended with me saying busy got to get back to work and silence on her end like she was waiting for more. I did'nt.

Surprise, us BS's can begin to move on and take care of ourselves !

P.S. Read 2 books to help me Get Through This. Consceince Divorce and Spiritual Divorce. I see alot of similarities as far as losing resentments and moving on to the future. Take Care and God Bless.

Book recommendations are always welcome. It seems I now have a major book collection on A's, R's and now Dv's. Do the ones mentioned have a Christian perspective?

God bless,

D.

Glad you read my post. Yes and no as far as Christian theme. Conscience Divorce is AA like {Higher Power}. Spiritual Divrce is more about God and these things we go through are of his will not mine. I'm still reading this one. Its somewhat New Age I guess. Take care and God Bless

WGTT, I received the letter yesterday pertaining to " Why our marriage would be impossible to reconcile". See if you can find any reasons of impossibilty in some of the excerpts from the letter.
1} The I love yous I say are not insurance but I did love, Still love you and always will. That will never change even after what i put her through.
2} Letting go is what I wantits the best for both of us.
3} Not a day passes where I dont wonder how you are in the year we've been apart.
4} Do I believe in 100% hopelessness. No. Not while I still love you and sometimes wonder if this is all a mistake.
5} I know things would be great for awhile but they could never last.

She goes on to say "Yes in many ways I lost my mind and I helped her with that". She said she is still searching for her soul and she knows her heart is still there.
She acknowledges that She has excepted my deposits and what went wrong was not up to her to make deposits on me. What??????
She does"nt want me to suffer because of the pain she went through. Revenge is not my style.
She also included a Modification of what she wants from the divorce, mainly 50% of my 401k. That was the biggest change.
Well thats about it. See all the impossibilities in this? Been Dazed and Confused for so long its not true.........

Nitehawk,

Could you clarify for me - did she say all those things on your last post or is some of that what you said to her?

Remember in general, people can justify just about anything in thier minds, especially if there is guilt or shame involved. She may truly believe what she says, but that doesn't make it so. Just need to overcome the hurdle of her believing it.

Sorry, I've been on the go the last few days and haven't been on this site. My YS had his birthday party this weekend plus we celebrated mine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Single parenting can be exhausting.

God Bless,

D.

Will Get Thru This, All of what Ilast posted was her responses. You know its amazing how she said "I rather make the wrong decision for all the right reasons than to make the right decision for all the wrong reasons. Right reasons are the same and should be the same for all couples, be there for them, work thru the problems and try without being selfish,
She called yesterday while I was at work and asked if we could get together this week. I said sure do you want to go over our proceedings? She said yes but other things to.
She doesn't want my daughter around. said best if were alone. I said we could go out for coffee. OK A lot of what the heck went thru my BS mind. I have't seeen her for over a month.
She did let me know her mom is going to lose her house do to a major lawsuit and she will have to be out of the house most likely by December. I said Im sorry to hear that {all along I know she has been living with other man since at least June}. sorry more venting or confusion. I just need to get this over with so I can go on with my life no matter what happens. This site is so much like an AA meeting. Its good to have this outlet.

Nitehwk,

Here's my interpretaion of what your wife has written / said to you. (remember I said just my intretaion)

1. She's feeling guilty - that she loves you but that she can't won't forgive herself

2. Letting go is best for both of us - she means that it's best for her guilty concious that she doesn't know how to forgive or how God forgives us if we sincerecly ask. It's a cop out a justification

3. She's thinking of you - maybe she needs more reassurance?

4. She's thinking she wants it back - maybe doesn't know how and or is scared to try. Some think it's easier to just move on than to deal with all the crap. Only thing is - it just comes back to haunt you later on , and again and again .....

5. Justification. What if the two of you committed to grow as people, committing yourselves to God's will, commtted your selves to learning the MB principles, to learning about each other and what truly makes a good relationship then took the action needed to fulfill that? Would your M be different - you bet !!!! Most of us don't want our old M's back. I dont. But I would like a new M with my WH.

Yes I would agree she is still in a fog, justifying to herself why it wouldn't work but I see glimmers of hope too. She will take the same problems with her where ever she goes.Do you think she feels safe to enter back into a let's try situation? I mean does she really (I mean really) feel safe with you. This is not in a physical sense but in an emotional and spiritual sense?

This site is so much like an AA meeting. Its good to have this outlet.

I have to agree. It's very powerful to be able to vent, to read about what is going on with others, to be open and honest about it cuz there's not many places to do this in the world. I learn so much from others experiences and we see so many experiences in handling the same problems, just like in AA meetings. I love AA meetings and the people who are truly open to the program.

God Bless,

D.

WGTT, Met with wife on Friday with the financial disclosure paperwork and she wanted to fill out the final settlement form.
I can tell you this we didnt get very far. She explained to me why she deserves half of my 401k and how generous she is being letting me keep the house and the huge payment for it everymonth.
I was lovebusting during this meeting like there was no tomorrow. I was in the mode of what do I have to lose. I told her how similar she is to my daughter's mother with the continuous lying.
For example not telling me the truth about living with OM since June. She said she knows she lies and dose'nt like it but.... She said not since June but August. That made things better????
I told her When this is over{By the way we have until October 24th before the case is dismissed if we dont get the paperwork done} I dont want anything to do with her. When I am out of relationships {especially marriage} I will do everything I can to never communicate again.
She talks about being there for the pets we have and about being friends and blah blah blah. I told her in 5 years when my daughter leaves for collge she wont have to worry about even bumping into me because I'm moving to the mountains out west.
She talked about why she still loves me. Mainly because how could she not after being with me for 11 years. She told me how much she thought of me when our 6th annivesary just passed.
I ending up grabbing her and kissed her passionately. She knows Im lonely and she says I just miss the sex. I told her I missthe walks in the country, our trips to little towns we never saw before and walking hand in hand.
Most of the conversation was by our cars because we were'nt getting anywhere inside. It came down to her telling me she does'nt trust me and I scare her. She let me know about the times she wanted to come back to me {some recently} and women she has confided in let her know it was just a moment of weakness and to ignore thoughs thoughts. They will go away even more after we divorce. Theres more but now she said she will call her attorney that she got the paperwork from so we can do the settlement properly. She will call me when she finds out.

nitehawk,

Just dropping in on your post. I don't know all the particulars of your situation. Yet, her responses to you do not reconcile with a person who is 100% done with you. If she still has feelings for you, it is NOT too late.

Have you two discussed the possibility of getting back together to build the type of marriage you BOTH want?? Not the old one, but a new one that would be able to better address any issues from the old marriage. it might be possible now, especially if it is true that she is no longer living with the OM.

RMA

Nitehawk,

It came down to her telling me she does'nt trust me and I scare her. She let me know about the times she wanted to come back to me {some recently}

Nitehawk, this is a BIG clue. If you honestly don't know why she is scared (real or perceived) then dig deep, ask God to reveal to you what you should know about the situation. Have you asked her calmly without lovebusters what she is afraid of?

Here's a for instance, I want to calmly discuss things, no raised voices, I want to be LISTENED TO, WITH HIS EYES FOCUSED ON ME. My WH ridicules me mostly in subtle ways, but enough that I have touble being open with him. These are LB's for me and would need reassurance by actions not just words for me to feel safer.

I have read lots here at MB (all the books) and also Mars & Venus - together forever. I could relate to the situations and it gave me somehting specific or concrete to do.

Yes, I do think she is not over you and even her assertion and all these reasons just point in the opposite direction.

I was lovebusting during this meeting like there was no tomorrow. I was in the mode of what do I have to lose. I told her how similar she is to my daughter's mother with the continuous lying.

Could you post what you did when you LB'd? No one likes to be lied to. I can tell you from my own experience as someone who used to lie, that it is hard to break the habit and I really worked on my & it took a long time. I had to feel safe (with me and then with others) to tell the truth. Has she been in family situations where the truth could be dangerous?

God Bless,

D.

<small>[ September 29, 2002, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Nitehawk,

Take a look at cajuncky's prayer for husbands this week. I thought of you when I read his post Please join in if you are so inclined.

D,

Hi Roll me over, Time for to put it in a nutshell {that would be my brain during our marriage}.Sept. 28 2001. I sense something someone is distracting her. She looks depressed. I ask. She replys I need to go take a break by her mom's. I sense more... she reveals feelings for someone else... I guessed right away....
A mutual friend of ours for 6 years.. I lose it go into the kitchen and make kindling out of kitchen table. Been drinking which did'nt help our marriage{been going to AA since oct.5th}. Cut hand preety bad and went to bathroom and passed out. awoke to her brother standing there and we ended up outside where his fiancee called 911 and stood between us.
We always had a problem because I did'nt pamper him like his mom and my wife. Preety obvious I went to jail and was charged with disorderly conduct. court ordered restraining order and anger management classes. No one was hurt or touched by me during this Sept. event. She saw eveything I was doing to become a better person and in the meantime had him, family and friends saying he will never change
Time went on and so did her support. By the way she is living with him since August. She has had some major low self esteem and was with a guy when she was young that threatened to hurt her family if she left him and was almost raped at a party.
I obviously have issues to but I am doing everything I can to work on myself. This includes being faithful. And I do like intamcy but will not let my urges take me away from God's law.
This wasn't a nutshell and I left out alot but it is the most of it.

WGTT, Big Clue????? She says things like I know I'm a F----up and I will always love you because she beleives because we have known each other 11 years love will never die. Love Busters from the other night:
1} Why do you think you deserve anything from me after you abandoned this marriage?
2}You now are with someone that needs Viagra instead of Alcohol to be with you. {He is 13years older than her}
3} I see you've become a lesbian. Your going out with a P----.
She let me know that she does'nt trust anyone and would'nt be suprised if he does to her what he did to his wife {Who he is still fighting for divorce}Especially since he will be going to Boston for a week according to BS.
Question?????
She says she has every right to come to our house even though all her stuff is gone to see our pets and because its her right. I do'nt feel comfortable with this. I have nothing to hide but I do'nt invade her space at all {no calls no contact Plan b Big time} She said because I let her know one of our cats has to go to the vet. that she will take him and if I don't let her she will call the police to get in the house while I am working. She said its her right. Is it??????

WGTT and RMA, Just went over my last post and did'nt realize how much resentment is still in me. Met with WW on Monday and gave her my financial disclosure. We talked over an hour and it went well. She said she would get them down to the courthouse but did'nt act like she was in a hurry.
We only have until 10*24*02 before the case is dismissed. Of course I sensed a little bit of 2nd thoughts.
I wondered if I scared you 2 away after my last post. If I did I apologize. I continue to go to meetings to learn how to be more of a loving person to myself and others. I'm currently looking into divorce support groups in my area.
I began writing poems again and gave WW a few in the last couple of days. I sometimes wonder if she gets a kick out of my obvious not wanting a divorce. Her answer to Would she come back to a marriage we both would want{not our old one} was a little mixed up. She spoke of enjoying her freedom and still wondering if she is making a mistake. Take care and keep praying.

Nitehawk,

wondered if I scared you 2 away after my last post.

No, you didn't scare me away so no need to apologize. We are here to support one another - while doing so there are times that we rant & rave and other times that we are supportive and yet other times that we maybe don't see things as clearly as others on these boards.

I have been away at my 25th college reunion which was soooo much fun. It was time without responsibilies, with people I like, and I NEEDED that !!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep posting & let us know what is going on. Have you read Men are from Mars and Women are from VEnus? great book - it gave me insite about men & women that was easily undrestood.

God Bless,

D.

PS have you seen the thread where we fast and pray each Wed for marriages ? check out post by cajunky

WGTT, Glad to hear you had a good time at your reunion. honestly thought I lost you and your resonses. Latest situation in the divorce and WW.
One of our cats {a totally deaf white cat that is the most innocent lovable little guy)Dinks has a growth that we had a vet look at on Tuesday. He scheduled surgery and biop that WW and I agreed on .
So we have been in communication since this past Monday when I told her about the vet appointment. I know how much she loves our "kids" {2 Dog, 2 Cats} and I would'nt keep this from her. OK I also know this was a way to see her too. At the vet when they had to draw a blood sample from Dinks she got behind me and hid her face on my shoulder. Do you know what kind of feelings I got at that moment and during our discussion with the vet?
This used to be how it was when we were concerned together about something we both loved. I had a selfish feeling of wanting this to never end and you know what it has'nt. We have both thru the years begun to learn alot about more natural healthy ways to heal.
Together we decided to try a natural remedy on Dinks 1St. He is not in any pain from the growth and I work with a hollistic doctor. Dinks has nothing to lose. Its healthy and it might work. If not we will reshedule the surgery.
I told you in my last post our dismissal day was set for 10*24*02 and when I gave her my financial discloure how she seemed to be in no big hurry to get it down to the courthouse.
Today I found out the dismissal day was bumped to 11*26*02. I look at the Court Access Records weekly because I don't think she keeps me up to par on our pro se divorce{and obviously my trust issue}.
I asked about it and if she handed in the financial disclosures. WW stated no and she extended it for more time. Time for I know not what. Confused or just stupid on my part? Your honest opinion and replies are always welcome. Only God knows wher this is going to go. Thanks.

Nitehawk,

Confused or just stupid on my part? Your honest opinion and replies are always welcome. Only God knows wher this is going to go.

You are right, only God knows what the final outcome will be. Could be cold feet or could be something not related to you at all.

At the vet when they had to draw a blood sample from Dinks she got behind me and hid her face on my shoulder. Do you know what kind of feelings I got at that moment and during our discussion with the vet?

That is so cute. Still hard to tell if just reaction (old habit) or new longing to get closer to you.

This used to be how it was when we were concerned together about something we both loved. I had a selfish feeling of wanting this to never end and you know what it has'nt.

I know those kinds of feeling and miss them terribly.

Together we decided to try a natural remedy on Dinks 1St. He is not in any pain from the growth and I work with a hollistic doctor. Dinks has nothing to lose. Its healthy and it might work.

I am a total believer in natural health. A few years back, I nursed my dog back to health after heart worm. (I am a dog person although had cats as a kid)

Gotta run for now,
Have you checked out the prayers for marriage restoration weekly?

D.