On another thread, some posters were very sure that a BS's WW would probably not have strayed if she had not worked in a bar to begin with. They beleive that the WW would not have become involved in an A if she had not worked as a bartender. I begged to differ and am of the beleif that it doesn't matter what kind of profession a S works in, because I beleive that what prevents a S from getting into an A has to do more with established moral boundaries that are observed by said S.

What do you all think?

I fully agree with you. I believe it is the emotional state of the person and then the situation. Whilst the Bar will no doubt have played a part, the person is the primary reason.

My WW was at home, yet still had an A.

Ditto.

My xWW was also a stay at home 'mom'(I use the word losely) and she too had multiple A's.

Anybody else care to comment?

Its not were you work, its EN's not being met. Affairs probably happen more readily in places where there are more members of the opposite sex.

A friend of mine pointed out male school teachers, in that there are usually more female teachers around. Also health profession, mainly male Dr's and female nurses.

Most people tend to want to hang around members of the opposite sex and when they are having a problems in the marriage one thing leads to another.

My x is a nurse and fell for a respiratory therapist. I travel and speak to only 2-3 people in person all day. So my opportunity was more limited than my x's to have an affair (not that I was looking!).

Where the blame can be placed on the job is when it starts to take over the person's life. Which did happen in my x's case. She started getting the ENs filled at work that I didn't fill at home. om "understood" what it took to be a nurse, I was "only" a layman and didn't appreciate all they did. I would imagine that would happen with other professions too.

I recall a number of primarily men who were workacoholics and then fell for their secretary or business partner.

<small>[ September 13, 2002, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: RWD ]</small>

Well,

It is my situation that prompted this thread.

My wife is a bartender at LongHorn steakhouse. And I guess in the dwells of my mind, being that it was a resturant, I never really considered it to have the atmosphere of a "bar" kind of thing.

After all, I helped my wife with her orientation studying for the job. (Learning the food abbrvs, procedure and such.)

Fact is, my wife has always been in the resturant business since we have been together, and it was never really an issue until now. She worked maybe a few days a week, which in her words, that I agreed with:

"Just to get me out of the house, give me a little running around money etc."

When she moved from Outback where she worked for 8 years, to Longhorn, the move as told to me was because it was closer to home, (I always told her I hated her driving home at night), and that it would free her up to take a few day shifts, so we could be together at night.

Now, I totally do not blame her line of work, though I wish she would be more future orientated with advancement and such, but I do place blame on the fact that she refuses and has blocked out that she is a married woman, and the other single workers there should have respected that, instead she's given into those around her to go out after work, and then to a person (car salesman), that must have had nothing better to do then to sit up there and woo her.

Since June when she started, our family has been the worse of her concerns, because it was more important to make the new boss see how good she was at what she did, and this new guy saw it fit to meet her needs that I could not fill because I never saw her.

Now we are headed for divorce, and when I tried to put my foot down about the job, and her involvment with this man that has no regard for the last 10 years of her life, she took off out of the driveway to a motel to be with him.

So do I blame her profession totally? Absolutely not, I do blame it for the fact that even though I tried to get her to stop doing it, she would not even hear of it, and the people around her are now cheering her on as the lives of 2 boys and myself are about to be ripped to pieces.

She always said : " I am gonna do what I wanna do, if you don't like it, you can leave."

I'm with TMCM on this one.
I think your explanation just validated it as well.
MORALS... or the lack of them.
Atmosphere plays into it, but the bottom line is you have to have morals and boundaries.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RWD:
<strong>
Where the blame can be placed on the job is when it starts to take over the person's life. Which did happen in my x's case. She started getting the ENs filled at work that I didn't fill at home. om "understood" what it took to be a nurse, I was "only" a layman and didn't appreciate all they did. I would imagine that would happen with other professions too.

I recall a number of primarily men who were workacoholics and then fell for their secretary or business partner.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Which further makes my point in that there are practically no 'safe' professions where a person with no moral boundaries could not have an A.

Hi Coffee Guy!
It's me again. It just still don't fully feel understood on this one.
I know that it is a case of weak morals when people fall into affairs. I am only saying that certain carreers are more "prone" to lead to this behavior than others.
When I was a Realtor, there were several poeple in my office that were playing around together. I think it was because of the hours that were kept and did not have to be accounted for to their spouses. Yet many of us were faithful. Sometimes its just a persons character. When a person cheats, it is not always the case that they are neglected at home. Some just don't resist temptation well, some are just plain "snakes in the grass!"
I used to tell my best friend that I would trust her and my husband naked and drunk more than I would trust another friend of ours with a cup of coffee in a shopping mall with my husband(this particular friend had no morals or boundaries.)
In a bar however, everyone lets their hair down eventually, and the help is treated differantly than areceptionist a Dentist office.

When was the last time you said to a receptionist something like"You sure have a nice body!"???Do you get my point yet?

Morals, Morals, Morals....

My wife is a 4th Grade teacher. She began her first of at least two *(that I know of) affairs over the internet. Then when they met in a nearby city, she decided that it took too much to have that sort of affair, so she began "going out with the girls". This led to at least two affairs here in town. I always trusted her and thought that she was just needing to be with her friends. Little did I know what those 'friends' were doing with her.

38, married, two children, teacher, husband who loves her, but wasn't home enough. Never told me, but just went out and filled those needs on her own. She is weak and worhtless. She felt the need to go out rather than work on us.

I wish I had understood just how weak she was, but then again, I really don't know if that would have made any difference. I was incredibly attentive and loving for the last 4 months, and it was not enough. She continues to lie to everyone that she knows. Saying that there is no other man. She just wants everyone to THINK that this isn't about her morals. It just amazes me the level of lies that some people will go to in order to protect themselves FROM themselves.

Hard to get more "safe" than a 4th grade teacher with 3 supposed best friends that are all Christian. She is just weak and unwilling to do anything to change herself. She even had the nerve to tell me that she was "happy with herself". I hope she is, because anyone that knows about how she really is isn't very pleased.

<small>[ September 13, 2002, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ezra:
<strong>Hi Coffee Guy!
It's me again. It just still don't fully feel understood on this one.
I know that it is a case of weak morals when people fall into affairs. I am only saying that certain carreers are more "prone" to lead to this behavior than others.
When I was a Realtor, there were several poeple in my office that were playing around together. I think it was because of the hours that were kept and did not have to be accounted for to their spouses. Yet many of us were faithful. Sometimes its just a persons character. When a person cheats, it is not always the case that they are neglected at home. Some just don't resist temptation well, some are just plain "snakes in the grass!"
I used to tell my best friend that I would trust her and my husband naked and drunk more than I would trust another friend of ours with a cup of coffee in a shopping mall with my husband(this particular friend had no morals or boundaries.)
In a bar however, everyone lets their hair down eventually, and the help is treated differantly than areceptionist a Dentist office.

When was the last time you said to a receptionist something like"You sure have a nice body!"???Do you get my point yet?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I DO understand what your saying about the working environment influencing a person's behavior towards others. It's constantly being repeated like a mantra that both spouses contribute to creating the environment for A's to develop BUT THE CHOICE, and thus responsability for his/her action, to have an A falls squarely on the shoulders of the WS.

Let me see if I can use another analogy here. We all know that there are jobs or professions more emotionally stressful than others (police officer, firefighter, soldier, etc.), should we then blame said jobs for the increase in domestic violence? or the person that is in that job who instead of dealing with the emotional pressures of his/her profession in a positive and constructive fashion, takes the decision to use his/her spouse as a punching bab? See what I mean.

You see, I really don't disagree with you on what you say, but what I find dangerous in emphasizing the job more than the person is that it takes away the responsability of the choice to have an A away from the person and plants it squarely on the job. Remember my xWW was a stay at home 'mom' yet she CHOSE to be unfaithful.

<small>[ September 13, 2002, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Not the job. I work with a former bartender, and she was turned off of all the flirting that the guys did. But then again, she has a very attentive H. So, the flirting didnt' impress her at all.

Coffee Guy,
After thinking about it,yah-you are right. There are plenty of men that are surrounded in an office by beautiful women all day and are faithful.
Its really up to the married person to act and know that they are married.
Its funny though, I met my husband while I was bartending.I haven't worked since we got married. Now my days are filled with cooking gardening , I remodel the house some(taping, sanding sanding floors etc)I used to be in interior design and create really fabulous window treatments and so on.
Sometimes I swear he takes me for granted and treated me better when I was waiting on other men.
That wasn't really me though. I was paid to do that. I'm much happier canning and so on. The other day my husband said he thinks I've become Ammish! Just because I enjoy doing these things?
I read on these posts about men who cheat on good women, and I read about the guys that want the cheating wife? I am really confused about what men really want.
Maybe when my husband married me, he thought he wanted a good wife-think he wants the "exciting bartender back"!
Its not like I've let myself go or anything. I keep in shape, wear make-up and do the nails and all that.Maybe he really thought that he was marrying a tramp and liked the idea-cause he seems borded to death with this side of me.
His ex wife was a cheater and he would do anything to have kept her.
I don't feel that I need to do lots of weird things that would cheapen myself to keep my husband interested.
He comes home and still wants SF and recieves it, but he just isn't very attentive anymore. Oh noI may have to begin my own thread here!
Any comments about spouses getting unhappy with being happy??I think some people just enjoy the hunt!

Ezra, I think you and your H need to communicate on why he seems less attentive now than when you and him were just starting out. Is he under a lot of stress at his job? many times job related problems are taken home where they occupy the H or W's mind and make them look distant to their S. Or his health, has he had a physical exam lately? we men are notorious cowards (unlike women) when it comes to facing our health problems head on, deciding to wait until the last minute until our health deteriorates to the point of hospitalization. Whatever the reason, both of you need to communicate in order to find out why he acts so distant.

I have tried to communicate with him.Lately it just falls on deaf ears. He is very healthy, he has to work hard right now to meet financial obligations(we have moved and are supporting two houses).
Maybe I am not as grateful as I should be. When he's gone, I think everything is fine. When he is on his way home I become anxious suddenly feel like I can't stand him. I am not sure why. I have talked to him about this and his lack of concern makes me almost hate him.
I don't think it is healthy or normal to feel like you hate your husband when he comes home. He is gone five days and nights a week so I feel like I should miss him but don't. I love him when he is gone and am very pleasant on the phone. When he comes home lately-I just can't stand the sight of him! I almost count the hours until he leaves.
I am cutting off SF. I KNOW that will get his attention. I feel that this is my main purpose to him lately. Besides providing the nice little wife who is ALWAYS at home and family and horse farm he so wants.
I know that right now I sound like nagging *****.
I am usally an upbeat self starter that needs no help from anyone. But I'm really mad that I am so taken for granted. I have expressed this to him.
I honestly feel that he is bored with all the predictable things in his life-like me always being home just waiting for him.
He always thinks that SF will work out everything.I will not leave him. I am 42 and I have no desire to start another "life plan " at my age.
He has been trying to push my buttons for ages now and he has. I am NOT going to be his "good little wife at home". I will be at home but he can do his own laundry and cook for himself and for SF-I don't care what he does!
Yes I am not happy right now! In the past if the divorce word came up, he always threatened me. He said he would take everything and if he couldn't he'd make sure to drag it out and let the divorce attorneys get it all. This is a man who doesn't need to work that hard for money. It would take me two months to earn what he does in a week. And I had a very good net worth when I married him! I owned my own home and very little manageble debt.
So I hate when he threatens me that way!
I have been threatened by his ex-not that he sees her. But he treated her like a queen even after she left him for her boss and was dumped. She didn't do any of the gardening or homemaking. She bought Kentucky Fried Chicken and went out with the girls! If I should be threatened by someone, I wish it was someone who was decent or admirable.I don't dislike her as a person at all. Its just my husbands memory of her or the way he treated her that I am jealous of. I deserve that treatmment from him I feel-as his wife. I have tried to be everything that he said he wanted.And they were long divorced before I came in the picture so I did not hinder any chance of reconciliation.
If anyone should feel threatened it should be him. My ex is inheiriting a $200 million dollar company and I don't miss him or the money. I don't put him on any "memory pedistal" he is just my children's father.
O.K. I have been whining long enough!
I think I just hate marriage or mine right now and am feeling sorry for myself. Sorry I am not of much help to anyone else right now. I'll feel better tommorrow! I just needed to vent!