Well I have been in and out of the EN and In Recovery Forums for sometime now.

I wanted to summarise my story here. You wont find any of my main posts because I had to delete them.

My last few days have been here:
Need Support: WS leaves with OM2

In Dec 01 my Wife admitted to a ONS PA with a local man. I was told it was because we were growing apart etc etc. I spent Christmas trying to get over it but as we all know its very hard.

Into this mess comes my Wifes Child Abuse memories of herself being raped, tortured etc etc. You dont need to know the details. From late December she begins to spiral out of control. By that I mean she's taking laxative on a daily basis, cutting herself with razors (almost every day), drinking, continuing (unknown to me til late Feb 02) the infidelity, and lying to me that things are getting better.

Abuse Therapy doesnt help and Marriage Counselling is ineffective because she is hiding the continued A.

At the end of Feb I decided to confront OM and here find it has continued. So we have a D-Day 2. She explains all about the abuse and how she wants to rebuild. 2 Days later she is more suicidal than ever, cutting more and has even more memories of abuse. Additionally the abuse is confirmed by other family members so this is no false syndrome.

In late Feb she runs away in the car, leaving the children at school. She continues to disintegrate. I manage to convince her to come home and calm her. This is a pattern that has been going on. She doesnt make any recovery and in very late Feb I cannot cope anymore. I catch her with Pills for an overdose, and razors that I have to get out her arms. She starts blaming me, I blame the real abusers (her parents) and threaten to take them to court, she goes ballistic and starts cutting...

We end up in ER to clean her up and then she ends up in a Psych Ward for a few days, except the few days turn into a few weeks and then 4 months. She continually tries to commit suicide, she continually cuts herself to ribbons with anything she can find.

Sometimes she makes progress and is allowed home for visits, but more often than not she says she's OK to help me and talk about the A but when I say how I feel I end up watching her fall apart and at other times cut herself in front of me.

Throughout I look after my three little girls (10,10,7) and try to keep them safe and happy. I hold it all together.

In May she is getting worse, now Nurses are being hurt and the hospital cannot cope. They decide to send her to a secure hospital a 100 miles away. For all this time I have been seeing my wife daily. My life has been on hold with this. Now I can see her once a week. She is there isolated for three weeks and makes good progress.

Then in mid-June the doctors decide she is well enough to come home and start. In fact they really say that being in hospital is doing her no good. They promise us lots of help and support. We get none at all.

As soon as she is out she begins to cut again. I try not to pressure her but I'm hurting from all the blood, pain and solitude, let alone the marriage not being worked on. She tries to help but it ends in tears and then her cutting. She turns to drink. This combined with Anti-D's, anxiety tablets and Sleeping Pills makes her angry, at times violent to both me and herself, and increases her running away.

I make mistakes. She SMS's a psychopath from the hospital regularly, she SMS's a close male friend of mine. I snoop on her phone, there are sex messages from the first and I love you hot stuff from the 2nd. She sees it as invasion of privacy, she cuts, drinks, runs over days.

I accuse her of other A's, there is no trust in either of us. She reads my MB posts and throws them straight back at me. She hates me talking to her friends, my C, her etc I try and stop it all but it doesnt do any good. She runs away at least once a week upto 2 weeks ago when it was 3 times one day after the other.

Throughout this time she is working hard in the Garden and starts a parttime job. We have a gardner 16 years older than her (51).

If you read the thread url above you will know that she has left to be alone and be with him. Yesterday I have filed for Divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. Its not what I want but I have to protect me and the kids.

We both appear to want it amicably. Last night was really hard. I bagged up all her clothes and personal effects ready for her to take tonight. I cried and cried and had to stop in front of the kids.

She has rented a 3 bed townhouse with the OM2 and moves in on Saturday. It is no more than 5 minutes walk from me. We talked a lot on the phone again and she reiterated that she would not contest the divorce, that I am having the house and kids and that she doesn't want anything from it. I am hoping that we two can get this down on paper almost agreed so that we avoid huge lawyer bills. If its amicable it will be so much easier for the kids.

Its all very confusing though to me. She says I have hurt her too much and that she couldn't come back now (!!?). She stills loves me but there has been to much pain and hurt. I have said to her to be sure this is what she wants because our divorce will be done within 5 maybe 6 months tops.

I do not want to fight, I have seen way to much pain this year. December 2002 is 1 year to the day. I do not want to move into 2003 in this predicament so I am moving forward with the D.

I have lived thru things that no one should have to deal with only to lose her in the end. I love her and now I have to let her go.

We have a court hearing about the Children on Tuesday and I am putting pen to paper about finances also.

Thanks for listening, Neil.

PS;

Im probably not the best to post, my m is all messed up too. However, i am sorry for your pain today, and wanted you to know someone was thinking of you and wanted you to know that in the end, you are doing the right thing. Your children deserve stability and security. Right now your wife is ill. (it is not her fault) however, getting well is a choice that some people never make.

I am a twin, do you have twin daughters???
That i can tell you about LOL best wishes

PS,

I am really sorry you are going through this. I wish there was a way to take the pain away for all involved. Honestly, I think there is not much you can do. She has to want to help herself.

My ex was very verbally and physcially abusive to me. He forced me to have sex with him a few times when I said no. He cheated all the time. He also did drugs. No matter how many therapists we saw nothing ever helped. I finally had to say enough for my own sanity. It hurt. And I really want my ex to get the help he needs. But he has to want to get the help. I can not force him. Just as you can not force your wife.

Your children need you to be there for them and give them normalacy. Though you want to help your wife I fear she has to hit rock bottom before she is willing to climb out. Not to sound crass but if your wife really wanted to kill herself she would. My Mother is in the medical profession here in the States. They have seen quit a few people who do this. A good friend of the family once got tired of seeing the same person who would cut himself...so one day the family friend/doctor showed him how to kill oneself properly.

Most times this is a cry for help. But sometimes it is a cry for attention. It is hard to tell which is which. I give you credit for trying and working your hardest to help her. But you can not even start to discuss all the affairs and the like till she stops this erradic self destructive behavior. Does she just do this around you and her parents? Is she normal around her OM? Really exam this. Take a break and back off and let her find her way. Be there for your children...at this time they need you even more.

I will pray for you and your family. This must be so hard for you.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for your WW is to let her go and end the M.

According to my x-brother in law, after my divorce was finalized a little over two years ago, my xWW got 'bi***-slapped' (his words, not mine) with a hearty dose of reality (the loss of her M and her D's) that she finally crashed and burned with an emotional breakdown. She went from being the arrogant, foul mouthed, heartless, cruel monster to a brokened spirit, humbled, quiet, insecure, fearful child. She was in such bad shape that her family had her institutionalized for fear that she might committ suicide. Inside the treatment center, she finally started getting the counseling that I had pleaded with her to get (to no avail) all those years before when we were still married. Well the therapy looks like it's paying off because the change in her is really remarkable. She is very respectful towards me when talking about our D's wellbeing. But unfortunately for her, it's too little too late because I have moved on with my life and over a year ago I met this wonderful woman who I first became friends with and have fallen madly in love with and engaged to be married next year.

I truly beleive that if I had not divorced my xWW, she would never have reached rock bottom and got treatment for her emotional disorders. She probably would have continued on her self destructive path for the forseable future.

So you see Neil, that sometimes a divorce can bring good things to all affected parties.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

My W does want a settlement figure that will come from the equity in the matrimonial home.

But I will have to raise it without selling the house. Is that OK?

Porsche:

I am so sorry to read story. Is there a way for you to take a second mortgage on the house and release some of the equity in the marital home to conclude your settlement?

Praying for you.

Logically, not really but I can raise the cash for settlement separately and I can afford this.

I am hoping to cover terms with her tomorrow.

Neil.

{{{Neil}}}

Wow, you have been through a lot! I think that as unstable as your wife had become that it was the best thing for you and the children to let her go. Sometimes hitting rock bottom is the only way for people to finally come back up again. The cutting and suicide attempts were definitely not appropriate behavior to have the kids around.

I went through a brief point in the past few years where I thought I could understand cutting. If one is hurting so much and there is no physical cause for the pain, maybe by cutting, one can see the pain. Don't know, never did cut, but I could see why someone might.

My thoughts and prayers for all; you, your children, and your wife.

Neil:

Best of luck. My prayers are with you. Please keep us posted on developments.

It's so sad.

Tonight I asked her to come home. That I would never breathe a word of any of her Affair or the moving in with OM2.

She says that I have hurt her too much. When I asked about my Hurt she sad that she had been listening to my Hurt for 9 months now and couldn't come home now because of me hurting her. Frankly it sucks.

Neil.

I am not sure I am the right person to advise on this subject but my understanding of the Harley Plan A (which is perhaps where you are probably returning to) is that your spouse gets to determine what actions of yours are acceptable or not (ie. which action is an LB). You will need enormous patience and emotional fortitude. You know what is best for you and whichever direction you go my prayers are with you.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thanks all.

I have prepared to agreements for us to run thru today around 6pm my time.

The first is a Children Agreement that lays out how we are going to handle the Kids. I have already talked this thru on the phone and there doesn't seem to be any disagreement. We have a court hearing re: kids on Tuesday so it would be good to go in and say "this is what we are doing".

The second is the Financial side and I think that that will be OK. I am offering her more than she has asked for (for my own peace of mind).

Its still hard though. I am the BS willing to forgive all this hurt and her A, yet she is the WS saying that my few written and verbal accusations can never be recovered from <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Plan A is over for me, I am in a Plan B heading for D... rapidly.

Neil.

Neil,

Sorry for this. As far as the child custody agreement. Make sure you cover all posibilities such as holidays, birthdays, Mon and dad days....also vacations can they take them out of country without permision. Stuff like that. I have no children but I am sure people on the board who have gone through this can assist you.

As far as finacial. Go back down to what she is asking for. You might find yourself in court battling over everything. Divorce is never nice. Just me. I have no idea what divorce is like in England so really not sure I can give you advice on that. I would run this past a solicitor if I was you. Never hurts to know where you stand legally. Remember CYA. Your wife is not all together with it at this point.

We covered the Children's arrangements pretty well and also the financial arrangements too.

I have problems doing this because it's not what I want. My wife appears so confused. It's like she's placing all her anger and hurt on me. She says that she isn't but it sure feels like it.

She says that she needs space away from me and the house. She needs it to stop cutting, drinking and self destruction. She needs it to stay out of Hospital. She says she cant try any more. I wanted her to look me in the eyes and tell me she no longer loves me. She couldn't do it.

I want her to come home, but she won't. She says that it'll just fall apart again and she cant do it. She'll just leave again in a few weeks but it will kill her.

I don't know if I am right to push for a divorce. I want some stability from this limbo and daily pain, but her being away from me is 10x more painful than any affair.

We go to court tomorrow to cover the children's order. I am hoping this will be a quick painless thing.
Neil.

Sounds like you've gotten some excellent ideas from the folks here. Although many are encourging you to file for divorce, there is yet another option: You don't want a divorce....you don't have to divorce. You could stay married to this woman for the rest of your life, but stay in limbo for the rest of your life also.

You are right in wanting stability for the kids (and stability for yourself). Your wife is sick, and you can't *make* her get better. What your kids are seeing is NOT good for them. YOU OWE IT to them to make it better for them. Their mom is not able to do that, YOU ARE.

Your wife has choices. If anything, the hospital is probably the BEST place for her to be. She'd have medical attention, medications to keep her from wildly swinging from one mood to the next and psychiatric care to deal with all those hidden issues of abuse. BUT.... only if she's willing to do the hard work. It's painful, but she's the one to do it, not you.

As much as you love her and you want to help her, sometimes the only way you can help a person is by walking away. Divorce doesn't mean you don't love her, or care for her. Divorce doesn't have to be the final end either. I would strongly recommend protecting the children FIRST, and then filing for a legal separation. Get the kids and YOURSELF some counselling. Children are not stupid and I'm sure they have questions as to why mom is cutting herself. Being separated from a parent is also causing some major stress.

Do yourself a favor also, and get some counselling for yourself. You've been holding this family together for a very long time, with no time out for Porche.... An exhausted parent, emotionally and physically, is not a very good parent. I wish you and the kids the very best. This is never easy...and the pain at times can be incredible.

Hi All,

We went to Court yesterday and agreed our Children's visiting rights. The court declared a "No Order" which means as long as we stick to what we have agreed on paper nothing needs to happen legally. I am comfortable with this as it means they live with me and they get to see her regularly.

Sadly my W kept on again about how much I have hurt HER(!) and how she cannot come back now. She kept saying that I threw her out and that I had dragged her to court etc. But she doesn't want a divorce. Quite what is going on in her head is beginning to get beyond me. Her anger is very high at this point toward me. I am the focus of it, rather than the abuse.

I just don't understand. If she is never coming back then surely she doesn't not expect me to be in limbo or separated indefinately? After all what about my life?

Then strangely once we had finished in the court I felt hammered again, I felt like a criminal, and then she wanted to talk to me! I just couldn't I had to walk away.

I am wondering if I am trying to move perhaps to quickly and maybe Plan B would be a better route for me. But I am sooo utterly tired. Neil.

Just an update. I have contacted Steve Harley for an appointment this coming Monday to discuss what to do.

I have been doing a Plan B now for just three days. It's dreadfully hard right now.

I am concentrating getting the girls settled into a routine each evening and making sure that I play with them/do stuff each day.

I'm deliberately trying to avoid having loads of people around, just to try and get some space and peace.

My solicitor suggested taking several weeks out to consider what to do about Divorce, as it wont much difference in the scheme of things and I would be divorced in @<6months anyway. Its not clear to me if this is what I want or what she wants so that's probably enough reason to NOT do it yet.

Neil.