My wife of twelve years filed for divorce in November of 2001. We have three children, 11, 8 and 5. She began an affair in July of that year allthough it may have begun earlier. She claims she had already made up her mind to leave me before she met the guy. He lives in California but has gotten an apartment in New York to be near her. He was considering moving to New York but now appears to be staying in California. I am still in the house based on the advice of my attorney. This is making her very angry and probably driving her more and more into this other guys arms. She claims our marriage was loveless and that I was never there for her emotionally. We did fight quite a bit about money. After the birth of our last child she got on antideppresants claiming postpartem depression. This, I believe made her manic and instilled in her a deep seeded feeling that she was being "controlled". I on the other hand felt like I had no influence over her at all, especially with regards to spending. She also began to drink heavily claiming I was driving her to do it. She had checked herself into a clinic but left after 3 days saying that the problem was me, not the drinking. The other guy was married but has now divorced his wife. I think they are looking to get married and my wife is now positioning to try and take the kids with her to California or Texas. By leaving the house I may jeopordize my legal position. But staying probably kills any glimmer of hope that she could ever find her way back to me. Should I stay or go?

Hi Phil,

Sorry this is happening to your life. Sorry you have to be at this web site but happy you found it. People here are great and can really give you some insight.

First and formost listen to your Lawyer and DO NOT MOVE OUT! I am not sure where you live but it could be seen as abandonment. You would loose a chance of gaining custody of your children if you want that. Next why not research and look for a fathers rights group in your area. They can assist you with how to go about at least gaining 50/50 custody. I would also susggest you go to Emotional needs message baord. There are a few men in the same position as you. Two that come to mind are GSN and Wolf. They can give you wonderful insight.

Just know...you are not alone and it does hurt. My prayers are with you.

PhilRe,

Stay in your home, for reasons above plus for the stability of the kids if you can afford to stay and you did not indicate otherwise.

You have come to a great place and there is much hope found on these boards. Many of us have read all there is on these board,and in the books and began to apply them to our lives. Some Marriages have recovered some not. I think most would agree that even if our M's didnt make it that we were better people because of it.

Now on to the subject of your wife. Don't take what she's doing so personal. That may sound strange, but she sounds like she has a problem with alcohol. Here are my comments to what you have posted:

She also began to drink heavily claiming I was driving her to do it. She had checked herself into a clinic but left after 3 days saying that the problem was me, not the drinking.

Alcoholics (even if she's not I'll refer to it that way) don't live in reality. They blame everyone and everything else in their lives. It's about her and her problem with her perception, not that you were a saint (actually I don't know youm maybe your are <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

I am still in the house based on the advice of my attorney. This is making her very angry and probably driving her more and more into this other guys arms.

She's angry because something is not going her way. If it does in fact drive her more to his arms then that may hasten the process. Most affairs don't last. If they are in the middle of it there is very little anyone can do to stop it.

But staying probably kills any glimmer of hope that she could ever find her way back to me. Should I stay or go?

I wouldn't be too sure that you staying may kill any glimmer of hope, it might actually be the thing that turns her around. None of us here on earth know the answer. Do what is right for you and for the kids.

God bless,

D.

PhilRe,

As hard as it is on you, I agree with the others. Stay in the house. Your children need you there. If you leave you will loose much of you chance for custody of your children. As long as you are living at home, it will be harder for your wife to just pack up and take the children out of state. You can stop her with a court order.

I don’t thing that staying or leaving will change the situation much. Your wife is in the fog and is not open to working on the marriage right now. So do what you must to protect yourself and your children. Plan A her if you can at this time.

If you feel that it’s time for Plan B, why not offer that she can move out for a while to find her ‘happiness’ and as long as she leaves the children with you?

If you feel it’s time to move on then file for divorce, but don’t move until you have a custody arrangement that forbids her moving the children out of state. It would be cruel to your children for her to move them away from you.

<small>[ September 13, 2002, 11:29 PM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

Thanks for the feedback. My wife has already filed for divorce. Almost a year ago now. I plan on fighting her taking the kids out of state. Its amazing how little regard she has for making sure the kids have an ongoing relationship with me, their father. In her mind I think she thinks the OM will replace me as their father and I will simply see them on holidays.