Since I haven't been here in over a year, I'll give an outline of my situation. I found out a year and a half ago that my husband was involved with another man and had been for 10 years. I told him that I would stay with him and try to work things out if he cut off all contact with his friend and underwent some serious personal counseling. The counseling was not just because of the homosexual aspect, but because he had lived such a double life for so long - he was a minister by profession. Anyway, after a year he still had refused to go to counseling (he said that I had the problem - not him) so I moved out and filed for divorce. The divorce was final last month.

We have three children from 14 - 22 years in age. We were married almost 25 years. I know that he and his friend are still in communication, but I can't say for sure if they still have the physical relationship going or not. The other man is much younger but also married.

Everyone is very supportive and concerned about how I'm getting along. The strange part is that my life hasn't really changed. I have less money, but more drawer space. I still go to work, take care of the kids and the house, go to church and take care of my chosen obligations there. I go to bed by myself and get up by myself, but I did that for most of our marriage, too. Even though we got along very well in a lot of ways, I don't miss him at all.

I feel almost guilty that I'm not devestated. I do get depressed and angry sometimes because of the decisions he made in life, but for the most part I'm relieved to know what was wrong with our marriage all those years. I'm certainly not happy to be divorced. I believe with all my heart that God intended for marriage to be "till death do you part" and I would have never left him if I had not found out about the boyfriend. However, now that it's all over, I just don't feel that bad. I don't consider the day of my divorce to be the worst day of my life - just the result of a bad situation. I'm not glad he's gone, but I'm determined that it will not ruin my life or family because he is.

Am I the weirdest person in the world or are there others out there with similar feelings? My husband was so well loved in the church and community that I have a hard time explaining to anyone around here how I feel without people thinking that I'm heartless.

Hey F.S,

I know what you mean. I guess I never realized how much I did do with my kids. It does get tiring being responsible all the time and having to miss out on a few things I want to do.

As for money, I am beginning to wonder if my x wasn't skimming some/all her paycheck( a friend of mine's x wife just confided to his brother's wife that she had been and gave it to a neighbor to keep. My friend is a lawyer).

I try to watch my spending but I still seem to have enough money to get by. I am even trying to tithe too.

I have realized I don't like being alone though. MAybe someday I can rectify that!

Everything in my life has been turned upside down. Nothing really more to say. I had what I thought was a family. In reality, it turned out to be me and my boys and then a woman who lived with us but whose mind, body, and thoughts were with another (several) other men. That is not a family.

I guess that I am having a lot harder time getting over her betrayal of our family than I thought. I could have gotten over her betrayal of me, but her deciding that her immediate pleasure was more important than a real chance at total happiness for our family AS WELL AS HER, just puts me in a place that I am having great difficulty getting past.

She actually stated that if she had a magic wand and could make the future exactly how she wanted, she would essentially make us happily divorced. That really blows me away. She wouldn't make us happily married, just happily divorced.

I think about how much I was doing differently and going far and beyond what I actually think should have been asked of me to go to her side of our marriage. She moved not one bit towards my side. She didn't give anything recognizable by me and believe me I was looking for anything I could find. Realistically she did increase SF quite a bit which really helped me, but I still couldn't get her to recognize the other needs that I had. I couldn't get her to recognize that I needed TIME to get past her infidelity, and that triggers were continually being presented to me that I had to learn to deal with. Things were getting so much better in spite of this. I never once harangued or acused her for her past, I simply stated what I was feeling and why. I didn't try to hurt her, but neither did I hold my feelings inside as I had always done before. I refused to 'stew' over things and them allow them to resurface in another arena. I tried to deal with them at the time and it seemed to be working. And NO, this was not a daily or weekly occurance. In fact over 4 months I think we only spoke about this maybe 6 or 8 times. But finally, she just said she was through. Her misdeeds were in the past and they should have no bearing on what was happening or how I was feeling in our present.

Well, as much as I tried, I see now that she really didn't want to do what it would have taken to create a wonderful marriage again. She didn't have the desire to try, because she already had someone else whom she believes will be the 'immediate' utopia for her, without having to feel any guilt. Funny, that she is capable of doing that, but she is just that shallow.

Anyway, back to the question, has my life changed. In every way. I am stuck in this town because I am not leaving my children. I never wanted to be here other than for my residency. My career had drastically changed, because I cannot do what I have trained for in this town because there are no positions. My family has changed because I only get to be with my children half as much as I used to be able to. I no longer can call home just to say "Hi, I love you." I no longer have anyone to go to Victoria's Secret for. I no longer have anyone to talk to when I get home. I no longer have anyone to listen to. I no longer have anyone to hold. I no longer have anyone to Hug. It has been almost 3 months since I have had a hug. It just kills me.

Yes, my life has changed.

<small>[ September 15, 2002, 08:55 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

FC,
I don't know wht your timeline is. As you can see, it has been 3 yrs since separation over 2.5 since my divorce. So for me, that pain is gone. Also I have my kids living with me so I don't have hat pain except I do get lonly when they go to their mother's for more than nite or two.

Things do get better, it just takes time.

Hang in!!!!

Yes.

A thousand times YES YES! And for the better. After the hurt and pain is gone, it gets better, it really does.
My favourite saying: "You gotta go thru HELL to get to Heaven" and that's what Divorce is.
Sure, I have some pain sometimes, I guess I always will. Not pain for my Ex-wife, I hope I never see her in this Lifetime again, but pain for our 2 children, who she has brainwashed so severely they hate me also. I pray for all of them - as well as her new husband and his kids too. I don't hold resentment, but several feelings actually - some pain over our children, joy and relief that she's no longer in my life to ruin it for me (stomping on my feelings, verbal abuse, control freak, etc.), and questions about why didn't I leave her sooner? However, the most JOY I have is that the Lord has blessed me with the most wonderful woman I've ever met!!!! I see how much we are really and truly SOUL-MATES and how we communicate together everyday and how my Wife today is every single thing my ex-wife wasn't...
Well, that's about all I can really say at this point.
Harold
Perhaps this contrast might help:
1st Marriage - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Marriage Today - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Time does not matter. My H has been gone for 3 and one-half years, and the devastation, if anything, just keeps getting worse. We were not particularly well off before, but now the children and I are living just above the poverty line, in real danger of being homeless in a few months. The children have lost the father who gave every indication of loving them - he virtually never calls and spends about 1.5 hours a week with them, and he allows them to visit for less than one 24 hour period a month. I miss my H just as much as ever. The children miss their father. Everything I thought was true is gone. It does not necessarily get better.

Yes, my life changed. It was really difficult and painful at first but then it got easier. I was a stay at home mom for almost 11 years and 5 months after he left, I got my first job ever. I'm still there and it's working out well, although I plan on next year being my last there. I'm going back to school. We lived at or below the poverty level but somehow managed. And 2 years after my ex left, I met who is now my husband. Life gets better if you let it.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes it did change for me and my girls and FOR THE BETTER I might add.

I guess that it depends on the particular situation but in regards to mine, I endured years of emotional and physical isolation compounded by my xWW's flagrant multiple infidelities, that by the time my divorce became finalized, I had no more love for her in my heart.

It's been just over two years since my divorce was finalized and a year ago that I met my fiancee. My xWW has apologized for the pain she caused me and our girls and said that I am the only man she truly ever loved <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but frankly I don't care if her words are true or not, because my love for her died a long time ago. And now that I have a woman that truly knows the meaning of the word love and is all the things that my xWW wasn't, I would never tolerate another time like the one I lived thru while I was married to my xWW.

Mitzi,

It is fortunate for you that your life got better, but it is NOT because you "let it." You can not compare your life after no longer being married to a man who abused you someone who was not in that situation. You are young; your situation is entirely different.

If your current husband were to leave you years from now in your mid to late 40's, leave you in poverty with six kids at home, the youngest only a toddler, it would not be quite so easy to replace him. If you had been with your husband for a quarter of a century; if he had appeared to have loved you, been a good, caring father and responsible man, had never given you reason to think he would be unfaithful - life might not have gotten better for you quite so easily.

Just about all the women on this board who claim that life has gotten better are in one or more of the following situations:

1) they are in a new relationship (mostly they are in this situation)
2) they have plenty of money
3) their H had been abusive, or they had known that he had had affair(s) for a long period of time during their marriage.

I too have to say that my life is so much better. I have to agree with those who have stated and restated that it depends on the marriage you had. I myself was married to an alcoholic who had too many issues to have a healthy relationship. I myself am too much of a giver and he was a total taker. Anyway, when he left I was pregnant with our fourth child and I was devestated, but over the last year and eight months I have done a lot of self improvement work. I now see how codependent I had come and have done a lot of work on breaking that pattern.

For the first time in years I don't find myself waiting up at night, arguing, waiting for the other shoe to fall, scrambling to pay the bills even though we both made decent money. I am relaxed and happy again. I am doing things I gave up due to my marriage. I am better off financially, not only was he spending a lot of what we made on alcohol and gambling, but he was skimming off the top of his checks as well. When I look back at the stuff I put up with back then and how miserable I really was it amazes me that I would have lived that way. I now find myself happier than ever, my kids are relaxed and content, and I have met a wonderful man to boot. Things really have improved for me.

For all of you who find yourself worse off I pray that you too will have your happy ending. We all deserve it.

Take care and God bless!

K

I guess that if I had lost custody of my kids or if I had been a "stay-at-home" mom suddenly thrown into the job market, I would also feel that my life had been turned topsy-turvy. Since neither of these things is true, I've got it better than a lot.

I can't say that my life is a great deal better than before; it's just not worse, either. I've spent my life telling people that you just have to play the hand your dealt in life and it doesn't do any good to cry over the "could-have-beens" or "should-have-beens." I always thought that I'd be married for life, but it didn't turn out that way and I'm too young to play dead.

Truthfully, since I live in Podunk, TX I doubt I'll ever date again so I don't fall into the category of "in a new relationship." I wasn't abused and I'm certainly not rich but I'm determined to make a happy home for my kids - and maybe our lives will turn out better than we ever thought possible. (OK-I know I sound like a Polyanna - sorry!!)

Well, I can't say it is better but it's not awful either.

Nellie, I was a stay at home in her mid 40's who had never really worked. Got a job when the A 1st came to light over 3 yrs ago, then quit the job to move overseas for then H's dream job & to get away from the OW, well anyone who knows anything about my story knows that how that went. I was moved back from overseas without my knowledge, H quit his job & moved back to OW. I had to go back to school and now find a job. Because I didn't want to go out of district to teach, I am now doing a long term sub.

Money is not what I am use to, I always knew I could pay my bills, that the credit cards would get paid off, & that we send our sons to college. WEll OS graduates in May & I have no clue how he will go to school and there are times I just pray, cross all crossable parts & hope there is money in the account.

My STBX was not abusive, he still is a great dad, He really was the last person anyone thought would have an A. In fact his having an A, has hurt such a wide circle of people, kids, who are now adults who looked up to him. I didn't think our live was that bad but oh well,

It has been 3 1/2 yrs & we are just now getting divorced, I'm sad about it all but I will be all right. My boys are getting better. I doubt if there will ever be anyone else but being alone doesn't bother me at all.

I refuse to be an old bitter woman. It may be me & my cats when I am old, well older, but we will be fine. Of course the cats maybe using pictures of the OW to line the litter boxes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

There is a huge difference between just not being rich and not knowing how you are going to feed your kids or keep a roof over their heads.

Yes siree, the big D has changed alot. And I am not rich, was indeed in an emotionally and from D day to D day an abusive situation that stbx just does not ever even admit to (had pushed me down stairs once after finding "evidence" ms. monkeyho was on business trip w/him) and am not at all involved with anyone now.

But am I happy? Pretty much. Why? I am thankful to NOT EVER HAVE TO WORRY or feel responsible for this guy who has never repented or asked forgiveness from me.

Nellie, I was without a place for my son to stay for over a month. Lived with relatives and in an extended stay hotel until stbx's lawyer probably told him it didn't look good to throw the w and child into the street 10 days before the holidays began...From that hotel room, I went downstairs and used their computers to make a resume. Used their fax to send it to employers and within a week had a good job. It is funny, but when you pray and ask God to truly help you, He will do that and place those around you who are willing to help. But He will not do it alone. You must do that part that only you can do. Like I've said in earlier posts, pray and pray hard but always keep rowing to shore.

I think you've also not gotten angry yet. It is destructive to internalize it. You keep talking about how a good dad he was, how a loving person he was. He WAS those things. He is not anymore. I have been praying for you for a while now. Sure, this isn't a party being or posting here and our lives aren't in the places we would probably desire to be. We all wish it were different. And you have the God given strength and fortitude to be a great single mom and single woman. There are times I am reduced to tears, like last night. I didn't get to meet my friends out b/c they have significant others and my son wasn't feeling good. It isn't easy being a single mom. You work your tush off, and when you are off y ou are a full time mom and housekeeper. Then comes the tiredness. I have started trying to get myself better fit than before so I can just keep up with having to do everything. What I have learned is when trouble comes, ASK FOR HELP. I don't have any family in this state. Closest relative is four hours away. Been regularly visiting a church and have some friends there. Many local churches have a divorce recovery program. They do babysitting co ops so that single moms and overwhelmed single moms can go out once in a while. There are also local agencies who can help out. I work on patients and my heart is so with them, and have met a few other single moms who have a much more difficult financial situation than I. Even I am little more than one paycheck away from total bankruptcy. I make enough to get by and x is paying, but not of course what he should. But have since found out that there is all kinds of community help. The docs I work with have referred these wonderful women to county programs who can help with food staples to educational programs to help these moms out. It is not a bad thing. So many people are in our situation or have been here or have a friend or relative who is enduring this as well. You just have to find the right help, get some good friends to lean on (and we will be proud to help be good friends) and GET MAD AT THIS CREEP and get moving. Pray pray, and pray but keep rowing to shore.

When you start feeling better about yourself, others will notice and one day, maybe not now but soon, Mr. Relly wonderful will notice and admire you for your guts and bravery and awesome mom abilities. But that will come when you feel better about you. Don't even sweat that. I wonder if t he lonliness wil ever end. Hear other girls I know say they go to relieve stress at a day spa and I just day dream. Yes, the things with my stbx were good, but those were just things. My residence is very much smaller, no way as nice, and I struggle financially and am not in a new relationship yet b/c I know in my heart I am not ready. But I have a son who loves me. You've got a whole household of love there. Kids are such a blessing and although they are work, you have so much love around you. I have met a few good and reliable girlfriends and go to church regularly. I know God is with me and is with you as well. My faith is being restored. Go to library and read the book Life Strategies by Dr. Phil. That book helped me get on with it and stop feeling paralyzed because I was emotionally and physically abused, betrayed, lied to horribly, abandoned and financially struggling. I couldn't get on with it b/c of the feeling of that paralysis which may be what you are feeling. It is overwhelming at times. But since I got up the nerve to get out there and admit I am on my own now, I am not nearly as frightened. The stress is still present, but different.

I firmly believe that within two years I will be an entirely different but distinctly better woman. For once, my inners are as good as my outers. I love much more and for the right reasons. Would give up all I have in an instant for the well being of my son. And realize that life isn't country clubs or luxury autos or exotic vacations. It is doing little things in life and valuing them b/c of the love in your heart. And your XH doesn't have that quality. You do. I once spent three days when my son was gone on a visitation in the dark, on the sofa crying and was unable to stop or to move or quit shaking. My aunt called me from out of town to try to talk me down. She told me to call her collect when I found five 5 count them things to be thankful for. It took a few hours but I found the 5. You are feeling so down now that those five may be elusive. Dig deep and you find them now. That was the day I woke up from this horror of paralysis. It will debilitate you beyond anything you've ever imagined. But it will keep you down as long as you dwell on it. He did not leave you today, it was yesterday. He did not show you or the kids love today, that was yesterday. And this clod abandoned you and the kids a long while ago. So get mad, mop the floor, clean the house, go in the garage and scream. But get this anger out and then ask God to show you how and why to row while praying. Post here. You have six wonderful kids. That can be your number 1. You are alive. That is number two. God loves you that is number three. We are here to listen to you as friends, that is number four. You come up with five. And I will bet before this weekend is over, you may have ten.

Nellie, I am in my thirties and just met the most together woman I know. She is 44 and was in our boat about four years ago. She has turned her life around. She changed so much. She has inspired me. I used to think that I am glad I am in my early thirties, but realize now that there are wonderful people out there of all ages. You have the chance now at your fourties (which is still y oung by the way) to make the rest of your life the best ever. She had no college education and used every resource public and private to help herself and her kids survive. Now she is manager of a successful boutique, does well financially, and has earned the respect of all around her. She lost over thirty pounds, and transformed herself into an elegant beauty. She showed me pics of herself before the D. And she just met the most attractive and loving firefighter. He is not rich, but he is a good man and would jump through fire to save her at a drop of his fireman's hat. She just got back from Hawaii with the kids and although they are not wealthy they have things pretty good in my opinion. It is all how you look at it, how you perceive your life. We want you to acknowledge this stinks. This whole D business stinks. We all here if our D's go through, have to start over again whether we want to or not. But we do it. And we have the choice to go on forward or not. And if children are involved, they are OUR responsibility to raise responsibly.

Find the fifth blessing and more. I am praying for you and are betting on you to get mad this weekend and say "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF HIM. HE DID THIS TO US AND I AM MAD. I AM MAD AND HAVE BEEN MAD FOR OVER 3 YEARS AND AM DONE WITH THAT LIFE NOW. I LIVE TODAY. MY KIDS LOVE ME TODAY. I AM DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS LIFE TODAY BECAUSE I WANT TOMORROW TO BE BETTER. I WANT TO WAKE UP SMILING EVERYDAY."

You can do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ((((((hugs))))))))

Wow, NPIG. You said it all! I am SO inspired by your attitude and 'moxie'. Nellie, I'm interested in your story, as we share the same name, and I've found there are not too many of us around. You remind me SO MUCH of me, and how I often feel. It IS so stinking unfair, but as NPIG and so many others said, we have no control whatsoever over the WS, we can only change ourselves or wither up and die.

In my case, if I hadn't found an intimate relationship with God, I think I'd probably have done just that - emotionally died. I feel so deeply all the injustice you speak of, and also find it incredibly easy to sink into that despair, but that's a dead-end. I finally figured out that my options were

1) pray for God to remove me from this earth
2) wither up and emotionally die from the heartache, or
3) realize that if God is NOT going to remove me (and I won't do it myself) and I'm going to be stuck here, I'd best pray for an attitude revival and figure out what plans God has for me.

I chose #3.

In my saner, less painful moments, I realized that if I'm to spend more time on this earth, I don't want to be a basket case. To some degree we do have choice. I know sometimes the pain is so bad we are paralyzed, but other times we CAN choose to see the positive, and it's damn hard, but possible! I'm basically trying to do what NPIG suggests: I pray, pray, and pray some more while trying to row with as much strength as I can muster. God will provide that strength! If I can survive, ANYONE can. One of my biggest problems in my marriage was feeling too dependant on my WS; I wanted his love and approval more than ANYTHING in this world, including God. Therefore, I always believed I've never survive a breakup, nevermind an 'affair' breakup. But, I'm still here.

In my case, I'm not divorced yet; we've been separated almost 10 months. And life is better in a lot of ways. I have my self respect back again. In my quest to believe his lies to me I almost lost my soul, and felt 'heart-dead' by the time he left. I have moments where I feel SO alive again, and realize I'm a good woman. I felt so inferior around him so often. WORK ON YOURSELF. You deserve to have a life too. I really agree with the idea that once you start feeling better about yourself, you will become more attractive to those around you. I'm also in my mid-40's, but I'm not letting that stop me! I understand your financial status is shakey, and that's tough. I too will pray for you; I believe God will open doors for you as well. I've been feeling more down lately, as just went thro a round of emails with WH awhile ago, and got my hopes up. Now am back to the reality that nothing has changed. Boy can I sink quick! Something that I've found works for me (somewhat) is 'self-talk'; yesterday I was feeling VERY down after my biology class (I'm upgrading to go back to school) as 99% of the other students are in their early 20's, and seem to catch on so quick. I on the other hand feel over-my-head and totally clued out. So, I was sending myself more and more negative messages, you know the kind: I'm so stupid, I'll NEVER understand this, I'm embarrased to be so old, it's all his fault.... I finally caught myself and repeated over and over and over as I walked: I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO THIS, .... That really helps, cause after awhile you start to believe it. Anyways, this got rather long. I'll keep you in my thougths and prayers. Don't give up hope! -nel

It is kind of funny that in the past I have been told by other posters that the problem was that I was too angry.

I have done everything possible. I have been going to graduate school to get my second master's for over two years now and doing very well, I managed to get hired for a professional ob that on paper I was barely qualified for, I moved into a much smaller house, barely big enough to legally hold all these kids - and you know what, I am worse off than before, plus I now have student debt too. I have to be out of this house in a couple of months, and have been looking unsuccessfully for months. I have even been told by one landlord that in order to qualify to rent his 2nd floor apartment across the street from a used car dealership that I would have to make 80 grand a year. Even one bedroom apartments in this state rent for as much as $1000 a month.

It has little to do with perception and everything to do with MONEY. It is almost impossible for one person to make enough money to support a household, especially one with as many children as I have. The vast majority of professional positions pay no more than about $40,000 a year in this area. Probably 30% of the families I know have one person out of work. Unfortunately, there are still enough people earning well over $100K to make it impossible for the rest of us to survive.

Nellie - Wow!! A double masters and taking care of six kids. You certainly are not "ditzy" or helpless. Although a lot of your financial problems are probably because of the number of kids, I know you wouldn't trade any of them for a winning lottery ticket.

So anyway, FINANCIALLY, you are worse off than before. So am I - I may end up filing bankruptcy because debt that could be handled before can't be handled now. I am not getting any child support and we had no real assets. I don't have to worry about food, shelter or medical insurance so I know that I am in a much better position than you are at the moment. As far as the rest of your life goes, would you really rather be living with a man who couldn't manage to stay faithful to his wife and six kids? If you love him, why would you continue to love someone who treated you like that? You deserve better.

I know about the anger. As I mentioned, I was also married a quarter of a century. Now, I feel like my whole history has been rewritten. I question the validity of everything I felt during the years that I thought I was married to the most honest man in the world. I tend to over-analyze every memory. I feel like a failure in some ways because I'm divorced and I don't believe that divorce is a good thing. I'm disappointed that my ex-husband doesn't make much of an effort to be with the boys. (My daughter doesn't want to ever see him again.) I still can't believe that he was willing to risk everything that we worked for our whole lives just to carry out a relationship with the young man he was or is involved with. I cried myself to sleep many nights that I was married because I knew in my heart that I was not #1 in his life. I tried everything I knew to make him happy and to make his life as easy as possible. Obviously, I couldn't do enough to fulfill whatever his needs were.

Now, however, I don't cry myself to sleep. I have accepted that God gave us all a free will and I can't control his behavior now and I couldn't control it then. I am better off emotionally now because I am no longer in anguish, wondering what the problem is. I work daily at letting go of the anger and forgiving him - not because he deserves it but because if I let myself be consumed by it then he is still controlling my life.

I hope that your financial problems are temporary. I don't know where you live or what profession you are in, but is it possible that you could look for a position in another town or state? It would be hard, but you seem to have a lot of tenacity about you. I will be praying for you. I know you can make it.

Nellie,

I am in agreement with our other buddies here. You are a master's degreed individual. I live in a high dollar area when compared to where I lived in TN. Even in the higher end areas, a very comfortable luxury apartment with jacuzzi and formal gardens playgrounds, etc is 1,000 per month and is two bedrooms. Not sure where you are, but you have to go where the best job is for you and your family. Where do you live?

I know for sure in GA that you could do ok here. It is the new south, persay, and I am doing pretty good but without child support or spousal support, I'd already be bankrupt. And I may be soon anyway. Got a bill from stbx's car co and he owes 3500. Geez. More money I don't have. We do what we can for our children. We do what we can. WE do all we can for our families. I work with a medical assistant who is a single mom, living in a 500 a mo. very nice two bedroom apt. and is raising 3 kids on her salary. I know how much she makes and it isn't alot. Her kids have clothes, eat fine, and she drives a three year old minivan. She isn't rich, but happy.

You don't have to make 100k a year to make it. You can make less and do ok. But you have to plan. I have had to learn on how to live with less than half I had before. My attorneys are saying that my standard of living has to improve and that they are approaching this issue for me. That also means more money so that they can find money....It is awful but a reality. Anyway, you are so smart. You can do it. But you have to pull yourself outta this now..It is NOT HELPING YOU OR THE KIDS. And if he was Mr. Wonderful, he wouldn't have bailed. You are mad at yourself or the world or the rest around you. Get mad at the right person--HIM. If he has any kind of professional degree and is working at all, there are laws in states that say he must pay child support or have his wages garnished. Again that would involve contacting a legal agency or two to find out who can help you. Get mad at him now. He did this. He isn't coming back as of now. He has been gone for over 3 years. You have a license to get mad. But don't focus it at yourself or feel sorry anymore. You can do it. Row and pray. Ask. Complaning about the cost of living doesn't change the cost of living. I've done it and I know it doesn't work. Re focus yourself.

Quit selling yourself short. I have every reason to be depressed now. I am just trying to learn how to work this single thing. My stbx has left me with every credit card until the D is final. He has drained me of every last cent. I can barely pay my attorney anything. I went to an outlet mall and bought sale clothes for my son. My stbx doesn't even buy him clothes. There were a few months where I received nothing from him. I had to live on credit cards for almost two months while not in any home with son at all. I am just thankful to have a home. To be able to get food if I need it and pay for my truck each month. I am almost caught up on that bill too. And if Austin came back tonight I wouldn't take him back unless he REPENTED AND WAS MORE THAN COMMITTED. But if he stays away much longer I will have already moved far ahead of him. I don't want him the way he is at all.

What I miss:
regular sex
someone to hold me
more money
a much nicer house
status
vacations
a co parent
expensive dinners

what I don't miss:
blatant infidelity
possibility of catching a sexually transmitted disease
being sworn at
wondering and worrying about his welfare/whereabouts
being abused when finding out about his sins
being blamed FOR HIS CHARACTER FLAWS AND BELIEVING HIS GARBAGE
crying until you collapse

I know in time I can re gain alot of that I Miss list. I will never want anything off that second list.

Find your five things to give thanks about. You posted, Nellie, but did not say what you have found to be thankful for. I gave you four basic reasons and all you had to do was search for the fifth. I am still praying hard for you today but START ROWING WHILE YOU ARE PRAYING...We're here, but can't encourage you any more than we are if you don't pick up those oars. They are heavy and your arms will get tired. But you have to row. Your other alternative is to sink. You birthed your kids and endured pain because you knew they were worth it. You are enduring pain now but your kids are worth it and you are too. Start living now and today. Live..Tomorrow is Sunday. Find some new loving friends at a church and a place that is comforting and fun for the kids. Start it over. Start life again. Life part II can be much greater than this part one we have ended.

It may take me a while, but I will be back. I will endure but will prevail. I know evil has already been defeated in the end by virtue of our God. No more defeat ok?

Yes, it has changed so much.

I was a part time worker, now I have a full time demanding career. (started that when I separated, two years ago) Lifestyle--money?--not much change. I earn alone what he earned then, when we separated. However, if we were still together, financially we would finally be quite solid.

Mainly, I feel completely alone without him by my side. He and I married so young, and I miss him incredibly. I know what they mean, when they sing, "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got, 'til it's gone."

I rejoice for those of you who are happily divorced. I personally don't like it, at all. My D was final about a month ago, and the undoing of the marriage was my foolish idea and a result of my horrible actions, but now here I am, alone and so, so, full of regrets.

hopeful_person
married almost 21 years
3 children
separated almost 2 years ago