My wife filed for divorce on November 10, 2001. We have three kids (11, 8 and 5). She began an A with OM on July 26, 2001 or so she claims. It may have started earlier. She says the following about me:

1) I was never there for her emotionally

2) All I care about is money

3) I was not there for her physically

My wife and I fought alot especially for the past four years of our marriage, primarily about money. She got on antideppresants after the birth of our last child and I believe its accentuated her anger, made her manic, and increased her propensity to spend excessively. She also progressively began drinking more and more over he last four years and actually checked herself into a rehab shortly after her A started (or claimed it started). She left after only a few days saying that I was the one with the problem not her and that she simply drank to medicate her pain. She has been a big reader of codependency books and has convinced herself our relationship was codependent. The OM is from California and has just divorced his wife. There was some discussion of him moving to NY but he may have abandoned this plan. I met him about six months back and he said his willingness to move to NY was a big sacrifice on his part in that he would be giving up something very dear to him which is California. Wow, what a guy. My wife has begun making statements that she wants the ability to move away from NY after the divorce is final to be near her parents or to go to California. I think Texas is simply an interim step that would be followed by a subsequent move to California. I am the children's father and her idea that I should see the kids on holidays is unbelievably selfish. She has said that if I fight her from moving she will continue to refile her petitions until she wins. Her attitude is that I have controlled her for twelve years and that she will not let me control her anymore. We have tentatively agreed on joint custody but in her mind this is only for the short-term. I have been an investment banker but the meltdown on Wallstreet resulted in my losing my job. I now am looking for work and dealing with the divorce process all at the same time and feel emotionally overwhelmed. I have fought against going on antidepressants but find myself crying most days. I have always considered myself strong and stable but now feel utterly overwhelmed. I try to be strong for my kids but I hurt so bad when I see them that its difficult. My father said the pain would subside in time but it doesn't. I am looking for work but the depression is awfull. Perhaps the doublewhammy is preventing me from moving on. I am still in the house and so is my wife. She yells at me nonstop, accusing me of not loving our kids by staying in the house and telling me how awful I am by having told people about her A. I have told a few people but by and large it became public knowledge without help from me. I miss my wife and my family and keep praying for her to come through the door and want me back. So long as this other guy is in the picture I'm sure that won't happen. He lost his job also by the way and I'm not sure if he has found another yet. The courts are requiring me to maintain our previous lifestyle and have ordered me to pay her $1000 per week for her personal spending money (clothes, dinners out). This was triple what I had historically given her, but her lawyers submitted a pack of lies to the court saying I had purposely lost my job and that she had historically been spending at that rate. I also must pay for a housekeeper at $400 per week. The OM has an apartment near our house that she spends a good portion of her time at. I feel certain she is using the money I must give her to pay for the apartment and to furnish it. The legal process is demoralizing me as I am fearfull of losing everything - my wife, my kids and all of our savings to bloodsucking lawyers. The most important thing I have to do now is find a good job (my kids need me to be a good provider and I worry about how all this shakes out) but the market is absolutely brutal on WallStreet. I am internalizing the terrible things she is saying about me. I need help badly. I feel my kids are paying such a terrible price in all this and want all of this to somehow go away. My son (12) is in alot of pain (which she blames on me being in the house. I do not know what to do - do I hold out hope for the marriage somehow recovering? I am nauseated about a perpetual fight to prevent her from taking my kids to another state. I can't see any light out of this mess.
Anyone's help and encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Yup, you are in just about the same position i was in about 3 years ago. . . same career, same job status, same wife status. . .

COUNSELING!

COUNSELING!

COUNSELING!

COUNSELING!

COUNSELING!

find a good one, not a cheap one, and get two appointments a week if you must!

there is nothing on this bulletin board that will help more than getting a counseling appointment. . . try Steve Harley here FIRST, then if you can't get in, work on someone local . .

COUNSELING!

wiftty

Dear Wifty:

Thanks for the reply. I will seek an appointment with Steve Harley. Its interesting that the counsellor we were seeing last September confided in me that my wife's psychiatrist (who worked with our counsellor) had diagnosed her as bi-polar. I don't know what to think. She has been on Depakote and Topomax. The psychiatrist won't speak to me and wife denies condition. Has taken WellButrin for 5 years. How has your own situation evolved. I see you are divorced now. Who has kids. Are you getting along? I hope your life is back in order.

I agree you definitely need counseling right away for yourself!I would also really recommend an anti-depressant such as effexor- I have been taking it for 18 mo and it really helps me cry less and helps with the anxiety as well as depression.Takes the 'edge' off my emotions so that I can work and function and be a decent mom to my 3 kids. See your family dr. right away to get some. I would also suggest you buy the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans. You can buy a slightly used copy of that on amazon or ebay. It is excellent at helping you to learn exactly WHAT is going on between you and your W. The more you can identify and sort out exactly what is going on then the less your anxiety will run wild. I don't think it is helping you to agonize over whether your W will take the kids out of state- most states are reluctant to let the spouses live far apart these days. I know that is true in OH where I live. Again- this is where counseling and an effexor could help you deal with all the what-ifs. Could you find a job hunting support group? Call around to a few local churches and see if they know of one near-by. You need to develop some new relationships with others to help your self-esteem after what all is going on at home. Unless your W is willing to do some serious soul-searching and get psychological help I think you would be better off without her. Recovery from an A is VERY difficult even when both spouses are committed to it. Take care- lifeismessy

I wanted to recommend two more books that would be helpful to you too- "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum and "Re-building when your Relationship Ends' by Bruce Fisher. I have read these and found them very helpful in sorting things out.By the way, don't feel guilty or bad about the fact that people found out about your W's A. Nearly my entire small wealthy town knows about my H"s A- everyone at church found out and some of our relatives know too.By the time things get so messy that you are involved in a divorce- the WS shouldnt expect it to all be kept a secret. If they wanted it to remain quiet they should have been working on their marriage right after their spouse found out.Because my H refused to go to counseling, was verbally abusive to me and emotionally cold and continued on with his A after I found out I am not sorry that others know about it. In fact the emotional support I got from others was what kept me afloat during that painful time. Take care- lifeismessy

Something you said in your posts jumped out at me. If your wife IS bi-polar anti-depressants may be making it worse. You said that they increased her anger and agressiveness.

For some who are bi-polar, anti-depressants can cause psychotic episodes. I went through this with my FWH. I don't know much about wellbutrin, but I know that depakote is commonly used for bi-polar. Does her Dr. know she is taking both?

Anyway, while dealing with her during this period, try to cut her some slack. If she is fighting a diagnosis and/or on the wrong meds, it tends to exascerbate the fog.

Hang in there.

Dear Lifeismessy,

The book by Patricia Evans is a bit of a raw spot for me. My wife read it and was using it as justification for leaving me saying that I was verbally abusive. We both yelled alot. I was often at my wits end with her spending and essentially had no influence. People in relationships that were in as bad a shape as ours will often have bad arguments where mean things are said. When she called me a $#!*&$! I didn't cry "verbal abuse- I want out of the marriage". But my wife did and has used it for an excuse for her having an A. I'm sorry but I feel like Evans' book is a bit like astrology. You read the passages and say "thats him, thats my husband". Well I was frustrated by huge credit card bills and crazy spending that would not stop, no matter if we saw counsellors on the topic or sat and talked nicely about the topic. I had no influence over her and when that happens, yelling and ugly words sometimes occur. It happened on both sides though not just mine.