My wife filed for divorce on November 10, 2001. We have three kids (11, 8 and 5). She began an A with OM on July 26, 2001 or so she claims. It may have started earlier. She says the following about me:

1) I was never there for her emotionally

2) All I care about is money

3) I was not there for her physically

My wife and I fought alot especially for the past four years of our marriage, primarily about money. She got on antideppresants after the birth of our last child and I believe its accentuated her anger, made her manic, and increased her propensity to spend excessively. She also progressively began drinking more and more over he last four years and actually checked herself into a rehab shortly after her A started (or claimed it started). She left after only a few days saying that I was the one with the problem not her and that she simply drank to medicate her pain. She has been a big reader of codependency books and has convinced herself our relationship was codependent. The OM is from California and has just divorced his wife. There was some discussion of him moving to NY but he may have abandoned this plan. I met him about six months back and he said his willingness to move to NY was a big sacrifice on his part in that he would be giving up something very dear to him which is California. Wow, what a guy. My wife has begun making statements that she wants the ability to move away from NY after the divorce is final to be near her parents or to go to California. I think Texas is simply an interim step that would be followed by a subsequent move to California. I am the children's father and her idea that I should see the kids on holidays is unbelievably selfish. She has said that if I fight her from moving she will continue to refile her petitions until she wins. Her attitude is that I have controlled her for twelve years and that she will not let me control her anymore. We have tentatively agreed on joint custody but in her mind this is only for the short-term. I have been an investment banker but the meltdown on Wallstreet resulted in my losing my job. I now am looking for work and dealing with the divorce process all at the same time and feel emotionally overwhelmed. I have fought against going on antidepressants but find myself crying most days. I have always considered myself strong and stable but now feel utterly overwhelmed. I try to be strong for my kids but I hurt so bad when I see them that its difficult. My father said the pain would subside in time but it doesn't. I am looking for work but the depression is awfull. Perhaps the doublewhammy is preventing me from moving on. I am still in the house and so is my wife. She yells at me nonstop, accusing me of not loving our kids by staying in the house and telling me how awful I am by having told people about her A. I have told a few people but by and large it became public knowledge without help from me. I miss my wife and my family and keep praying for her to come through the door and want me back. So long as this other guy is in the picture I'm sure that won't happen. He lost his job also by the way and I'm not sure if he has found another yet. The courts are requiring me to maintain our previous lifestyle and have ordered me to pay her $1000 per week for her personal spending money (clothes, dinners out). This was triple what I had historically given her, but her lawyers submitted a pack of lies to the court saying I had purposely lost my job and that she had historically been spending at that rate. I also must pay for a housekeeper at $400 per week. The OM has an apartment near our house that she spends a good portion of her time at. I feel certain she is using the money I must give her to pay for the apartment and to furnish it. The legal process is demoralizing me as I am fearfull of losing everything - my wife, my kids and all of our savings to bloodsucking lawyers. The most important thing I have to do now is find a good job (my kids need me to be a good provider and I worry about how all this shakes out) but the market is absolutely brutal on WallStreet. I am internalizing the terrible things she is saying about me. I need help badly. I feel my kids are paying such a terrible price in all this and want all of this to somehow go away. My son (12) is in alot of pain (which she blames on me being in the house. I do not know what to do - do I hold out hope for the marriage somehow recovering? I am nauseated about a perpetual fight to prevent her from taking my kids to another state. I can't see any light out of this mess.
Anyone's help and encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

NWTT, your story strikes a chord with me. My FIL was my MIL's 2nd H, and his first W unceremoniously dumped him when he lost his job, probably when he was in his early 40s. I didn't know him at that time, of course, but it affected him deeply even after many years.

My goodness, if you're paying a housekeeper 400/wk, you must be facing a serious nosedive in your lifestyle. I don't have a lot of time to respond, but here are some things that helped me reverse the downward spiral I was in. First, I took a good look at my priorities. I don't consider myself particularly materialistic, but I do like having food, clothes and shelter! I live a modest lifestyle in a modest home, but in my mind I contemplated the thought of losing my home and my possessions and tried not to be overly attached to material things. Money's important, but it's the least important of important things, if you know what I mean. God, family, health, spiritual well being... all these things I firmly placed at the top of my list priorities. Money is in the top five, but it's five of five.

Last Christmas I got several books on feng shui. The relationship we have with our home is the center of the philosophy. It got me started on a decluttering mission that continues to this day. Last night I finally cleared enough room in my garage for my vehicle! Boy does that feel good! I realize it may not be a "manly" thing to do, but spending time each day keeping (and putting) my house in order is my recipe for peace. There's a program for getting rid of chaos at flylady.net. I joined that in April. It's definitely geared toward an audience of women, but you might find some inspiration there nonetheless. I've gotta run. I can just imagine that you're so stressed out that you can barely function. I've seen times like that too. Take time to count your blessings and do your best to be a good steward of your blessings. Keep yourself occupied and find something in each day that brings you joy. Cherish that joy and you'll make room for lots more of it in your life. Works for me anyway! HTH

Golly Gee.....I feel for you. I am sorry you are faced with all these problems. You are not alone....

no job, surmountable bills, fighting and desertion....god that's enough to make anyone sick to their stomachs.
Perhaps you need to look at your financial situation, and dump the unecessaries before they get taken away from you. I wish I had a 1,000 bucks a week for spending money. I barely make that in 2 weeks. Your wife sounds like a spoiled woman...can't she get a job? Why didn't the courts ask her that? Does she work? Is it possible and maybe even necessary to move, to save money? I mean you can only live on nothing for so long.

Looking for a job is good. I wish you all the luck. I keep typing things but there isn't much I can say becuase I know so little about your situation. I guess you need to take care of yourself first. what good will you be, all depressed, sad and angry? easier said than done...I know I know. But really you will just be living in limbo until you decide to start taking care of yourself first. Sometimes its just a process that we all must go through in order to summon up the strength thats needed to handle situations like this. i know that's where I am.

My situation isn't nearly as bad as yours. My husband is not assertive, not communicative, not considerate. I end up doing everything becuase he won't or can't. He has no back bone. too afraid of what people might say or think...hates confrontation. I, in return am always the bad guy. I am labeled as controlling or manipulative...just becuase I won't turn my cheek or keep my mouth shut as he does nothing, or makes bad choices for his family becuase he just can't stand up for what he believes in. I have been doing a plan A/ and that isn't going to change him. The very problem he has Prevents HIM FROM TAKING THE STEPS TO CHANGING.
I am at a loss.I cannot change him or control him. he refuses to see the problem, or more likely lacks the balls to do something about it. Talk about failing automatically!
I have given this man everything I could. I feel cheated. I always thought he was a quiet man....a man who was strong, and would stand up for what he believed in when push came to shove. NOw I realize that he just gets shoved around all the time. He lead me to beleive he was the kind of man i thought he was. Turns out, he isn't and now I am stuck with him...or am I? He's constantly making promises he doesn't keep. Moreso lately, i hear apologies, but never hear of any solutions to problems...so nothing ever gets solved.
I just keep getting the "I'm sorry's" but he never takes any steps to prevention.
What I did, was i told him he needs to get help-professional help immediately...read some books or something immediately, or I will be divorcing him.
No doubt he will wait until i am out the door, and i feel like this has become a game, although I am not playing....