I'm sorry i have to ask such a feeble and cliche question, but i really don't know anything anymore...<P>I have been steadily attached to my man for 2+ years who is just the best in world..caring, supportive, sweet, blah, blah.. Everything has been fine till very recently (sigh, and to think we are suppose to be married in 2 year's time)....<P>I developed a crush on another man who is totally different from him: this OM is the 'free-spirited' kind: he's single, has never dated anyone for more than 3 months in his life, and he has this job which requires him to travel more or less around the world whenever the need arises..He seeks pleasures in life outta little, simple things like freedom, time alone, and playing with his only love-his dog. now you get the idea...<P>the problem is that i just can't shake off the attraction i feel for this OM..we're just 'friends' right now, he knows i'm attached and we've both talked about how we feel about each other-which is MUTUAL. He's agreed not to 'distract' me too much cus he himself agree that if we 'develop' further, I will be the one hurt in the end, and most likely he won't even be affected too much...so what's the point? . don't ask me what i mean, it just means that.<P>It's not that i'm in LOVE or anything, i know it's just a silly crush that'll fade if i leave it alone...BUT the MAIN problem now is that i don't know if i truly love my man anymore...and i swear: everything WAS fine until OM came along...<P>the main thing on my mind now is this: I NEED TO KNOW VERY BADLY HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU TRULY LOVE A MAN? (and i have my man in mind when i ask this question, not OM...) <P>please, someone, anyone, help? i don't want to lose my man and US, the relationship we've both worked so hard to achieve...<BR>any advice/comments will be deeply appreciated....thanks.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>free-spirited' kind: he's single, has never dated anyone for more than 3 months in his life, and he has this job which requires him to travel more or less around the world<BR>whenever the need arises..He seeks pleasures in life outta little, simple things like freedom, time alone, and playing with his only love-his dog. now you get the idea... <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Well...they say the things that you admire them for in the beginning are often the things you complain about later. So, he spends his time traveling aroun the world and just wants chill time, staying at home doing those little "simple" things and you want to "do something" 'cause you've been loyal and not been out...see how quick it can become an irritant? Am I correct to assume that you currently are not married in the present relationship you are in?

thanks for the reply...<P>but yes i'm not married; But suppose to be planning to be in abt 2 years time....sigh..<P>I just feel so confused...suddenly i just don't know what i want anymore ever since this OM appeared...AND i can't seem to help thinking of him(OM)...aaarrrggghhh....I just 'want' him-i know it sounds silly, but then, i can't help how i feel...<P>By the way, it's my 'childhood dream' to be able to travel all around leading a carefree life, seeing and experiencing all kinds of people and food and all!! And i can just imagine it!! sigh...dead end for me this time??

Hanging-on,<P>If those are your dreams and your current BF is not likely to meet those dreams, then you are not ready to get married. As for you OM, well, I will bet he enjoys traveling around the world by himself. If you go with him, you won't be doing what you are thinking about. It appears he is being honest with you, but you aren't paying attention.<P>I suspect the reason is that your dream and his life are very similar. Not so much that he is the right guy. You don't want to lose you BF, but only you can make him the right guy. Interesting isn't it? You control whether he is the right guy, not him. He cannot be your dreams, he can only be himself, and if he isn't part of your dreams, he isn't.<P>So sit down and think long and hard about what you want out of life and how you want it. People don't change, but their perspectives do, and maybe your perspective on marriage and your life need further examination.<P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

one more question...have any of you ever had flings that turned out 'fine' before? i mean 'fine' as in like the 'sparks' with the fling just died a natural death with the fling(OM) and life just carry on fine and dandy with you and your man...AND he(your man) never got to find out...<P>sorry(i know how pathetically sickening i sound), but is this too much to ask for?<P>i just realise that:<BR>1)i can't afford to lose MY man, <P>2)i'm bored (at least currently), <P>3)i'm not in love or anything with OM; The strong attraction is just due to the magic of 'newness' because well, he's new! <P>4)his(OM) life facinates me..so carefree, and such 'cool' attidue towards life-imagine being able to NOT be bothered over stuff!! he's just so unbothered-everything-has-a-solution type!! so contary to mine! <P>so what do i want??!! i dunno anymore.... but seriously don't think i can afford to lose my man...but what IF i have a fling and this fling turns out to be more complicated than what it's suppose to be?<P>

It sounds like you are willing to put at<BR>risk this relationship with this wonderful<BR>man for the OM who seems self-absorbed. If you have a fling the chances are you may <BR>lose this wonderful man. Close your eyes<BR>and imagine your wonderful man marrying<BR>someone else and you being dumped by the<BR>OM after he gets bored with you. You need<BR>to work on your current relationship and<BR>get a touch of reality. If you don't <BR>appreciate your wonderful man; then let him<BR>go and have him find someone who can be <BR>faithful to him. Your heading towards quicksand. How would you feel if your<BR>wonderful man wrote this board and said he<BR>would like to have fling and some sex with<BR>some hot female friend because he finds his<BR>current girlfriend a little boring but was<BR>probably planning to marry her anyway? You know what goes around eventually comes around. I hope you find what you are looking<BR>for and not regret what you could have had.<BR>Good Luck

sigh...thanks..actually, i realise i am a really selfish person...<P>but i've seen and heard so many marriages/long-term relatioships fall apart after a long time BECAUSE one party did not explore enough earlier on before commitment to find out what he/she wants AND realize ONLY later on that the other person is NOT THE ONE...so...what if, just what IF my man right now is not THE ONE and how does one know anyway if someone is THE ONE?? <P>It might sound stupid, selfish, pathetic or even absurb, but MAYBE the only way to know if he(my man) is THE ONE is to date other men? I mean, if after dating other men and i still decide that my current man is THE ONE, then at least it shows that he IS; And if he IS, i will have all the time in the world to 'repay' him by being a good wife after marriage...does this make sense? comments? please? i just can't see straight...feeling so confuse...<P>(by the way, when i say i want to see other men, i mean just dating..NO sex..my conscience will NEVER allow...)<P>sigh.....

Please tell me if you see a problem with your following statements.<P>1) (by the way, when I say I want to see other men, I mean just dating..No sex..My conscience will never allow...)<P>2 Your statement from the pre-marriage board<BR>(I met the OM 3-4 times for dates; went to his place and ended up getting very physically intimate but no sex)<P>Do you see any problem with these statements?<BR>Clearly it will be a matter of time from<BR>being physically intimate to having sex. By the way there is not much difference to a betrayed person telling him you were physically intimate but did not have sex.<P>Since you are only 23; do yourself a favor and end the relationship with your boyfriend and seek out the dating scene that you wish to explore. You are clearly not ready to commit. Be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. Do not continue to do this behind your boyfriend's back because you are better than this and lying and cheating becomes addictive and habit forming. Be honest and the truth shall set you free. Good Luck

I agree with the other posters on this thread. <P>DO NOT go ahead and get married until you are free and clear of all these doubts and active tempations to pursue other more "fun" seeming types of people. <P>You have time to decide when to get married. You probably should break it off with your boyfriend, for now, that would be the most loving thing to do in this instance. <P>You mention wanting to hold onto "your man" and yet seem to want to pursue this self described drifter. <P>You think your bored now? Watch out, real life, daily life in a marriage can sometimes be very boring. You have to be mature and ready to take that and make things (positive things) happen in that situation. <P>Sometimes the reason things or people seem more exciting is the "danger" they represent. The handsome drifter is "dangerous" to you because he has nothing solid or real to offer in the way of commitment or security. <P>But at 23 you have every right and reason to have unencumbered fun, to travel and live the life of your dreams. You don't seem ready to compromise or commit to one person. <P>Nows the time. It's better to explore your options now, than to break up a marriage and crush your children's heart with divorce. <P>Right now you have the "luxury" of thinking only of yourself. It won't be that way forever. <P>

Regarding your original question, I don't believe in this business of "The One." <P>There seems to be a modern belief of Hollywoodish nature that everyone has One True Love in life, who will make them happy forever and who they will always love eternally. (Please don't misunderstand, I am not accusing you of holding this belief, per se.) Once you've ascribed to this belief system, any problems you have with your current lover/husband are an indication that "Oh well, he just wasn't The One." In other words, time to move on and renew the search.<P>When *anyone*, including the person we are dating/not dating, in your case, is meeting our emotional needs, there will be a feeling of love. When needs are not being met, the feeling dies away. So this feeling, although strong, is very conditional and usually not a good indication (by itself) of the promise of the relationship.<P>More importantly, does this person posess a worthy character? How does this person handle opposition and trials? How does he treat others? Put his character through the ringer, like you would if he was dating your daughter/sister/best friend, someone you really care about.<P>What are his life goals, and do they coincide with my own? Do we want/expect the same things from life? Is he teachable, able to admit his mistakes and learn from them? How skilled is he at meeting your emotional needs?<P>Remember, if the emotional needs are being met, you will sustain a strong feeling of love for him. If he has all the other things mentioned above going for him, it's well worth the effort to acquaint him with the MB prinicples and work on that feeling, as well as being an expert at meeting *his* needs.<P>If, however, he is lacking somewhat in the *stellar personhood* department, then be wary of your feelings of love, and try to get your needs met elsewhere.<P>And while you are at it, you might try applying these same questions to yourself. Often meeting the right person becomes more an issue of *becoming* the right person.

Haning-On,<P>WIFE, just laid it all out for you. It was a very important post for you to see. You are not married and if you a feeling like you would like to explore things now is the time to do it. Yes, you may lose your BF, but so what, you are definitely not ready for commitment.<P>Now I don't mean to sound callous about this, but WIFE is right about there not being ONE person for you. I was a batchelor into my 30's and there were many women I could have married, and happily married, but I had things to accomplish that I felt weren't conducive to a good marriage. You know what, I still found the ONE, . Not really but she was right for me at the time and still is, but it has taken some work. <P>You sound like you have some growing to do. Nothing wrong with that, but do it now. Don't get married and then say "What if". The "What if's" are just mental games and have no merit in the reality of marriage. Lisanne also pointed, that marriage, indeed life is often boring. It does happen but the mature person knows it isn't the spouses fault.<P>One of the main thrusts of the Harley approach and that of others actually, is that love can be developed between two people, it doesn't just happen. I firmly believe that and that is why I found this site so helpful.<P>Heck, my W and I met on a blind date, and didn't like each other at all, not even a little bit. I didn't find her attractive physically and I thought she was very rude. Her opinion of me apparently wasn't much higher. Circumstances brought us together a year later, and over time we became friends, then lovers, and then married. That was over 24 years ago.<P>So Hanging-On, I doubt that OM is the ONE, but your interest in finding out suggests you are not ready for marriage. Talk with BF about this, you may lose him, but you may be doing both of you a big favor.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<BR>One of the things I think you need to look<BR>at in your relationship w/ "your man" as you<BR>put it..is WHY can't you afford to lose him??? Do you think you need him to make<BR>you a whole person? Do you think you need him<BR>to support you financially? I think you really need to look at the relationship your<BR>in and figure out what it is you expect..and why..and what it is you really want out of life before you marry this man..and 4 or 5 years down the road your having an affair,<BR>and telling him.."I never loved you" "I married you for the wrong reasons"<BR>"This OM is my Soulmate" think long and hard about why your in the relationship your in..<BR>are you there because you feel like you have<BR>to be? or because you want to be??<P>Trust me..I speak from experience..do the soul searching before you get married..<P><BR>

Hi Haning:<BR>I know it's been a while, but I want to respond because I went through something very similar to this. I was engaged to and living with my college sweetheart-we had been together for four years, when I met this hot guy at work. At first, it was just harmless flirting, then we kissed, and then I fell in love. Meanwhile, the college sweetie and I broke up. He moved back home and I eventually got my OWN apartment. I am glad that I didn't marry him because I think that the marriage would have been over. If another guy can come along and make you think twice about the relationship that you are currently in, then I think you need to re-evaluate your situation. How do you know if anyone is ever really the ONE? Because you still get that tingly excited feeling when you know that you are going to see each other, or you look forward to each phone call. You know that someone is the one when you can't imagine seeing yourself with anyone else. And if you can see yourself dating other people, not necessarily this guy, but others down the road, then he is not the one. And there are probably other issues in your relationship that you didn't see before, so it's not just about this OM. For me, there were so many things wrong in my relationship that I refuse to acknowledge. Leaving my college sweetie was probably the best and the hardest thing that I ever did, but both of us are in much better places. And I know that it's hard you will struggle with it for a long time. By the way, I am still with the man I left my college guy for, and we are planning to get married eventually (at least, I hope) Good luck to you. I hope that you make the right decision.<P>