My question is simple and yet very complex. I feel that I have very nearly if not completely given up on the person that I am married to. I don't have feelings for her unless you call disgust a feeling that would still bind you to that person. (I guess in a sense it does but that is besides my point.)

What I am asking you is this. Do you all still have feelings "For the person rather than the position?"

I feel very sad that I am getting divorced and that I am loosing a family and my wife. HOWEVER, I do not miss nor feel sadness at the loss of the PERSON. I feel loss at the "job or position" that she filled for so long. I feel sadness at the loss of my family and my boys lives with a whole and loving family with both parents in the same home cherishing them together and teaching them together. But I don't miss the woman that is my wife. I miss my boys "mother".

I miss someone to talk with. Someone to hold and be held by. Someone to try to surprise. Someone to cry on and to lay her head on my shoulder and let her cry on me. I miss someone to call and say 'Hi, I love you' I miss someone to page me and say "I love you too." I miss someone to take to dinner and bring home and make love to. I miss someone to see sleeping on the chair and just sit there and watch while she sleeps. I miss someone to come home to. I miss someone to make plans with about our future. I miss someone to think about during the day. I miss someone to lay my hand on at night.

But I don't miss her.

<small>[ September 15, 2002, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

I just read this post and it almost sounds like I have never loved her and that I just almost used her as a position filler and for my needs. That is not the case. What I am saying is that, the woman, my wife, that I loved so much I would have died for her 3 months ago, has hurt me and thrown me and our family aside so many times that I no longer trust her and have no desire to remain married to her. However, I have great saddness in the loss of having a person that does the things that she did. I wish that I could carefully cut her out of my life and tape a new loving woman right into her place. If I could have my children, then I could come very close, because I know that there is someone out there that is loving and caring and wants a man that wants to be the same. I have learned so much over the past year and so much want to put it into motion. But it wasn't enough or soon enough or whatever for my wife, THE PERSON. Therefore I will let her leave unbound, but I still lament the loss of what she meant to me, not in the personal sense, because she shattered that with the 4th affair. The first 3 made me just want to change to make her happy, but after I had done everything and that wasn't enough, I realized that I didn't have whatever she needed to be happy, and she didn't have what it took to help me to achieve that goal.

So please understand, I loved my wife, the person, with all my heart for 14 years. Not just used her, but I loved her and everything and every quirk that went with her I just loved her anyway. But now that she has repeatedly thrown that love back in my face, I can be free of her, but I really miss the representation now.

Do you see the difference?

<small>[ September 16, 2002, 02:42 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

FC,

All normal feelings....you just miss being in love...give it time, it's something we have all felt...

ANNA

Yes Anna, I think that is EXACTLY it. I very much miss being in Love.

{{{hugs}}} Quit beating yourself up. You don't have to explain yourself. We've been there. We miss alot of things, but what we don't miss is the abusive nature of many of the "ex's" in here.

You can't stay married to "abuse" and what she is doing is abusive to not only you, but those kids of yours.

I too miss all the *normal* things that marriage brings and the blessings. I will NEVER miss what my marriage became. He was selfish, deceitful, cruel, hurtful, incredibly self-centered....even when I was willing to work through all those horrible things.

Give yourself permission to grieve what was.... and pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You *are* a person worthy of all those good things...and in time, you will find that again. Be kind to yourself and those kids. You ALL deserve it.

I know EXACTLY - yes exactly how you feel! Why? I've been there. Basically, you're going to feel like crap for perhaps a month, maybe longer. You miss a part of life you've known for years. This is a Major Adjustment you're going thru now. Ex Spouses don't make it any easier when they do the STUPID MORONIC VINDICTIVE MINDLESS HATEFUL things they do - but they're in the Fog so they are like Institutionalized Mental Cases - they just don't know what they're doing and they don't care how much it hurts their loved ones - they only want what they want and could not care less for anyone else than themselves. However, believe me - you will GRADUALLY begin to feel better about yourself, you'll begin to see a new freedom and realize the world is a large wide-open field of Possiblities for YOU! Open your eyes and enjoy life as much as you can - it'll help you heal. Don't stay in your room or house moping - sure, I know it hurts, Divorce hurts everybody - but there's only one person who is going to heal you - and that's your own self. God will help, but you have to get up and work on yourself too. There is so much on-the-money good practical advise on these Boards - regarding your children, financial protection (of yourself) etc. Please read and heed. Most of us have been thru this before and we either 'lurk' or post, or just read - to know we can possibly help another who is going down the road we've already been down.
I was formerly known as "LuvDatBaby" but had to change my ID here because I changed emails, reformatted my Hard Drive and (dummy me) lost all my passwords and couldn't remember the one for MB Log-In. So, read some of my posts, as well as others - you'll see that I went thru HELL too, but I recovered. I guess if somebody like me can make it, then anybody can. Take heart! Pray to God! Get involved as much as you can in your Church and seek help and counseling from good solid Christians - they are out there to help folks like you.
Keep the Faith, and know that there are more folks than you'll ever know who care - and are praying for you.
Harold

For a while, I missed being married in the sense of, for example, going places as a mom and a dad and kids, having someone to come home to, etc.

I have learned to accept that my family is now me and the kids, and that's okay. I have come to be grateful that I live in a house where I don't have to wait on anyone, log every dime and minute spent out of sight, or fear someone's bad temper.

Life goes on. I'm glad to have found someone who is not like my XH, but I'm not in a hurry to get married again.

I very much miss the person my wife was. Yes, I miss the woman I knew and loved and sometimes have a tough time thinking of anyone else filling the place in my heart which she occupie(s)d.

Yes - I too miss the man that I married not the one that he has become. I miss having someone to talk to when I get home, to discuss problems regarding the kids with, and sharing my life with. I know some day I may find someone else to share all those things with but at this point I know that it would never work with the man that my STBXH has become. Just when I feel like I'm getting to a point where I have things under control something else gets thrown at me and brings back all the lies that I have been told the past year and 1/2. I think the hardest time is when WH has S for the weekend and I have 3 days to myself. Try to keep busy but can't plan for every waking moment. I would say that is when I am the lonliest. We were together for so long it seems that we grew up together and he was a big part of my life.

F.C.--Hey pal! My son summed it all up. We watched early this year "Men In Black" . After part where aliens crash at the farm and suck the farmer down into their crater and take over his body my son exclaimed to me that --DADDY HAS GOT AN A LIEN BODY! It is just so like that.

I loved the man I married. If I met Austin today as a single woman, I would run and run like heck. He looks like the man I loved. He has the same voice of the man I loved. But is soul is lost and that was the man I loved. Only God could bring that back. Unless that happens, It's all over baby. He can sport around now in his shaguar and live the life as an international man of mystery until reality catches up with him one day and his secret identity revealed and his secret agent's license is revoked. Ha ha.

I guess i really don't miss my ex-hubby. He was really the same when i was married to him. Didn't talk much, didn't pay too much attention to me and the kids and it was really more like a room-mate kind of arrangement.
I married him knowing he was that way, which was my fault, and i guess, thinking he would change.
(yeah right!!!)

So, no, i don't miss that at all. I don't find too much difference at all being alone. I felt alone most of the time married.

I may not be far enough into the state of separation or divorce to comment here, if I may,
I have had plenty of years to make the right choices in my marriage, and my wife seems to have run out of patience for any of that, but here goes, I miss talking for hours about anything, I miss the heart felt hugs, I miss her kiss, her touch, I miss the girl I knew before she had an affair. I miss my life.
Through the help of everyone in here, I will try and pick Myself up and dust Myself off, but right now everything seems so hopeless, that I am terrified, to do or say anything.
Everything that F/C said rings true for me, yet I haven't let go of her, but I am so confused I do not know what to think so...anyway...that's it.
Everyone have a good evening, and you all are in my thoughts and prayers...b

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Formerly Confused:
<strong>My question is simple and yet very complex. I feel that I have very nearly if not completely given up on the person that I am married to. I don't have feelings for her unless you call disgust a feeling that would still bind you to that person. (I guess in a sense it does but that is besides my point.)

What I am asking you is this. Do you all still have feelings "For the person rather than the position?"

I feel very sad that I am getting divorced and that I am loosing a family and my wife. HOWEVER, I do not miss nor feel sadness at the loss of the PERSON. I feel loss at the "job or position" that she filled for so long. I feel sadness at the loss of my family and my boys lives with a whole and loving family with both parents in the same home cherishing them together and teaching them together. But I don't miss the woman that is my wife. I miss my boys "mother".

I miss someone to talk with. Someone to hold and be held by. Someone to try to surprise. Someone to cry on and to lay her head on my shoulder and let her cry on me. I miss someone to call and say 'Hi, I love you' I miss someone to page me and say "I love you too." I miss someone to take to dinner and bring home and make love to. I miss someone to see sleeping on the chair and just sit there and watch while she sleeps. I miss someone to come home to. I miss someone to make plans with about our future. I miss someone to think about during the day. I miss someone to lay my hand on at night.

But I don't miss her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Formerly Confused:
<strong>My question is simple and yet very complex. I feel that I have very nearly if not completely given up on the person that I am married to. I don't have feelings for her unless you call disgust a feeling that would still bind you to that person. (I guess in a sense it does but that is besides my point.)

What I am asking you is this. Do you all still have feelings "For the person rather than the position?"

I feel very sad that I am getting divorced and that I am loosing a family and my wife. HOWEVER, I do not miss nor feel sadness at the loss of the PERSON. I feel loss at the "job or position" that she filled for so long. I feel sadness at the loss of my family and my boys lives with a whole and loving family with both parents in the same home cherishing them together and teaching them together. But I don't miss the woman that is my wife. I miss my boys "mother".

I miss someone to talk with. Someone to hold and be held by. Someone to try to surprise. Someone to cry on and to lay her head on my shoulder and let her cry on me. I miss someone to call and say 'Hi, I love you' I miss someone to page me and say "I love you too." I miss someone to take to dinner and bring home and make love to. I miss someone to see sleeping on the chair and just sit there and watch while she sleeps. I miss someone to come home to. I miss someone to make plans with about our future. I miss someone to think about during the day. I miss someone to lay my hand on at night.

But I don't miss her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey confused...I forward your message to my WS..maybe this would hit home..I miss the man he was..he isn't the same one..the kids miss their dad, not the destructive man he became..life is different and I'm trying to hold it together..but this weekend proved to me.he's not worth the tissues to cry on..it's so scary to be alone with three kids 16,14,10..i guess life will be better on the other side..I HOPE AND PRAY.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Formerly Confused:
<strong>My question is simple and yet very complex. I feel that I have very nearly if not completely given up on the person that I am married to. I don't have feelings for her unless you call disgust a feeling that would still bind you to that person. (I guess in a sense it does but that is besides my point.)

What I am asking you is this. Do you all still have feelings "For the person rather than the position?"

I feel very sad that I am getting divorced and that I am loosing a family and my wife. HOWEVER, I do not miss nor feel sadness at the loss of the PERSON. I feel loss at the "job or position" that she filled for so long. I feel sadness at the loss of my family and my boys lives with a whole and loving family with both parents in the same home cherishing them together and teaching them together. But I don't miss the woman that is my wife. I miss my boys "mother".

I miss someone to talk with. Someone to hold and be held by. Someone to try to surprise. Someone to cry on and to lay her head on my shoulder and let her cry on me. I miss someone to call and say 'Hi, I love you' I miss someone to page me and say "I love you too." I miss someone to take to dinner and bring home and make love to. I miss someone to see sleeping on the chair and just sit there and watch while she sleeps. I miss someone to come home to. I miss someone to make plans with about our future. I miss someone to think about during the day. I miss someone to lay my hand on at night.

But I don't miss her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey confused...I forward your message to my WS..maybe this would hit home..I miss the man he was..he isn't the same one..the kids miss their dad, not the destructive man he became..life is different and I'm trying to hold it together..but this weekend proved to me.he's not worth the tissues to cry on..it's so scary to be alone with three kids 16,14,10..i guess life will be better on the other side..I HOPE AND PRAY.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Formerly Confused:
<strong>My question is simple and yet very complex. I feel that I have very nearly if not completely given up on the person that I am married to. I don't have feelings for her unless you call disgust a feeling that would still bind you to that person. (I guess in a sense it does but that is besides my point.)

What I am asking you is this. Do you all still have feelings "For the person rather than the position?"

I feel very sad that I am getting divorced and that I am loosing a family and my wife. HOWEVER, I do not miss nor feel sadness at the loss of the PERSON. I feel loss at the "job or position" that she filled for so long. I feel sadness at the loss of my family and my boys lives with a whole and loving family with both parents in the same home cherishing them together and teaching them together. But I don't miss the woman that is my wife. I miss my boys "mother".

I miss someone to talk with. Someone to hold and be held by. Someone to try to surprise. Someone to cry on and to lay her head on my shoulder and let her cry on me. I miss someone to call and say 'Hi, I love you' I miss someone to page me and say "I love you too." I miss someone to take to dinner and bring home and make love to. I miss someone to see sleeping on the chair and just sit there and watch while she sleeps. I miss someone to come home to. I miss someone to make plans with about our future. I miss someone to think about during the day. I miss someone to lay my hand on at night.

But I don't miss her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey confused...I forward your message to my WS..maybe this would hit home..I miss the man he was..he isn't the same one..the kids miss their dad, not the destructive man he became..life is different and I'm trying to hold it together..but this weekend proved to me.he's not worth the tissues to cry on..it's so scary to be alone with three kids 16,14,10..i guess life will be better on the other side..I HOPE AND PRAY.

Yes. I loved and was faithful to my STBXH for 20 years, despite drug and alcohol addiction. He got clean and sober, we built a business together, I thought he was my best friend, only to find out that the drugs and alcohol had crept back in while I wasn't looking and that he'd been cheating on me off and on through our whole relationship.

So, it seems the man I thought I loved was just an illusion. I miss the illusion, the sense of family, friendship, caring, belonging, sharing, intimacy, etc. that I thought I had. That's the hardest part - to recognize that I never had it in the first place and to look at why I was willing to settle for so little.

Amen.

Dear FormerlyConfused,

I'm not into separation or divorce yet, but I just wanted to say I know how you feel when you say "don't have feelings for her unless you call disgust a feeling that would still bind you to that person." I'm feeling that way too. Feel 'binded' to the position, and not so much the person anymore.

I miss all those thinks too.My wife was really lovely.Well in my eyes anyway.Look and see for yourself.Everyone thought we were the perfect inseperable couple.

Marty & Emma Photo

So my question is this...."Why then if I miss all those things, and my wife has hurt me so much.And I know that she has treated me bad and has used me all this time, why can't I bring myself to find that love in someone else?" I don't think it's just looks.If she came back tomorrow 20st heavier I would still love her..so what is it?

After all, there are many women out there that can give me a nice home, love, sex, friendship etc. but I can't look at anyone else and find that spark! Why when I know she was so wrong for me? It must be more than just fullfilling needs. Sometimes we put up with the [censored] off loved ones because we feel comfortable with the "Devil You Know" than the devil you don't.It is possible to love someone with all your heart even if they hurt you.But I don't understand why?

regrds

Marty