It has been several months since I last posted on these boards. In that time, I have gone from discovering and trying to cope with my wife's affair, to separation, to now working on finalization of divorce. Something I have discovered along the way that has seemed to help me in this process of letting go and beginning again has been using small private ceremonies as a way of releasing pain and/or the past. I have gone to places that were significant in my marriage and there on the spur of the moment tried to find some way to release the past, and embrace the future. Sometimes it has involved nothing more than meditation and prayer. Other times I have done symbolic things. For instance, at a waterfall we spent time at on our honeymoon, I made a small floating raft by folding some leaves and placed a wildflower in it. I released the raft at the waters edge upstream. I walked quickly to where I would be able to see it as it approached and went over the falls. I sat for a long time until I was able to see my future from that moment rather than the past that had come before. I am not normally into these kinds of philosophical tools, but I have found them to be useful for me in the unwanted situation in which I find myself. I guess I have been wondering if anyone else has used ceremonies or other means of helping to let go and move on. It would be interesting to know both from a standpoint of wondering if I am somewhat crazy, or have others share what they have done similarly to help cope. I have done other things also, and each one although simple, have left me feeling slightly more empowered. I have found that there is nothing more unempowering than living through the nightmare of a divorce and all of life's changes that accompany it. So if anyone would like to share their stories, or give me any feedback, it would help me greatly. Just being able to share these few words has been difficult, but also a form of letting go and rebuilding.

Thanks for "listening".

for me my cermonies of letting go has been to actually just do simple things like redecorating my house the way i want it to look like. taking down all marital memories and making new ones of my own. i invested in something called donna dewbury painting supplies and ive taught myself how to paint. in place of pictures of us hanging on my walls i display my own painting made with my own hands. ok so some arent really good but hey they are made by me. i think going thru divorce you find outlets such as these things we do to make a new life for ourselves and that is all part of the healing process for us.
god bless

Don't know how healthy this is but I have been wearing my wedding band on my right hand. I heard somewhere once (probably on here) that if you wear your wedding ring on the wrong hand you married the wrong man. I really like this band but I know that I need to take it off. Soooo, I bought a ring to replace it on the day that my divorce is final (9/30/02). I refer to the new ring as my freedom ring. Not freedom from my WH but freedom from all the pain that he has caused and freedom to find what makes me happy in my life. This is really the only ceremony that I have done so far.
My IC suggested that when I left the house that we lived in for over 16 years together that I try and let go of some of the hurt and anger. I did to a small extent, but I tried to focus on the good things that happened in that house and not the things that had happened most recently. It was hard to sell that house but I think it has helped me knowing that I am in control of where we live (S and I) and WH has no control over what I say or do. I can hang pictures where I want. I can put things where I want and he has no say. I guess you could say that was a little ceremony when I walked out that door for the last time.
S made a remark over the weekend about wondering how long the grass was at the old house. Told him I really didn't care because when I left that house I left that part of my life behind and I have no intentions of ever going back.
I think we all need to do what we feel is necessary to get through this pain and the lies and deceit that we have had to handle. I try to remember the man that I married and not the man that he has become.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Is this a bad dream:
<strong>Don't know how healthy this is but I have been wearing my wedding band on my right hand. I heard somewhere once (probably on here) that if you wear your wedding ring on the wrong hand you married the wrong man. I really like this band but I know that I need to take it off. Soooo, I bought a ring to replace it on the day that my divorce is final (9/30/02). I refer to the new ring as my freedom ring. Not freedom from my WH but freedom from all the pain that he has caused and freedom to find what makes me happy in my life. This is really the only ceremony that I have done so far.
My IC suggested that when I left the house that we lived in for over 16 years together that I try and let go of some of the hurt and anger. I did to a small extent, but I tried to focus on the good things that happened in that house and not the things that had happened most recently. It was hard to sell that house but I think it has helped me knowing that I am in control of where we live (S and I) and WH has no control over what I say or do. I can hang pictures where I want. I can put things where I want and he has no say. I guess you could say that was a little ceremony when I walked out that door for the last time.
S made a remark over the weekend about wondering how long the grass was at the old house. Told him I really didn't care because when I left that house I left that part of my life behind and I have no intentions of ever going back.
I think we all need to do what we feel is necessary to get through this pain and the lies and deceit that we have had to handle. I try to remember the man that I married and not the man that he has become.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

hi..how do you get over the hurt...and how do you get thru all this pain..moving your wedding band is a great idea..however, I thru mine away when he told me for the last time...she was going..that was90 days ago...any other suggestions to get thru the weekends..been married for 22 years 16,14,10 kids..I really need some suggestions..

Seaside - Sorry to hear about all the pain that you are going through. If you want help this is the place to be. I found this site after my WH and myself were seperated and before I consented to the DV.
I had a lot to do before I moved out of the house so I kept rather busy with yard work. Keeping the place spotless (for showings) and all the other things that come with running a household by yourself.
I found that I leaned on my friends a lot and tried to set up things to do with them during the weekends so that I didn't have to feel so alone.
Have you talked to an MD about your depression? Did this depression start before he left? I now realize that I am actually happier without him now and all the lies and deceit is gone from my life. Don't get me wrong. I hate being alone on the weekends that S is with WH. That will be this weekend so I called a GF and asked if I could attend church with her. I also am planning on going to the Farmers market and I love to cook so I relax using that.
What do your kids like to do? Are they into sports? Also, don't fell like it is your job to keep them entertained all weekend long. I'm sure they have friends, and more than likely, one or two that have gone through this same thing. You need to concentrate of you for the time being and then you can help your children. Do something that you really like to do that he doesn't.
Hang in there and keep reading and reaching out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by BrokenH:
<strong> Something I have discovered along the way that has seemed to help me in this process of letting go and beginning again has been using small private ceremonies as a way of releasing pain and/or the past. It would be interesting to know both from a standpoint of wondering if I am somewhat crazy, or have others share what they have done similarly to help cope. So if anyone would like to share their stories, or give me any feedback, it would help me greatly. Just being able to share these few words has been difficult, but also a form of letting go and rebuilding.

Thanks for "listening".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi BrokenH! I'm sorry the big D happened to you, as well as to everyone else on these Boards. You sound like you're definitely on the right track with the 'ceremonies' of letting go. I'd keep it up - and the painting! Now that's an idea! I only wish I had known about MB when I was recovering from my Divorce in '98. Well, since I didn't, I did what I could. I guess for me (my Story in abbreviated form) would be that when I was on my own again, I spent my time re-decorating my Flat to the best of my ability to the way I wanted it - not the way my ex would have wanted it. Sort of letting my creative processes flow the way I wanted them to and not having to worry about them being STOMPED on and GROUND INTO the ground. I surrounded myself with things that comforted me and whenever I would have anyone over (with the exception of my Kids or Wife) I'd always get comments of 'how cozy your place is' etc. That let me know I was on the right track!
Some of the more drastic ugly things I did:
I pawned my Wedding Band. (That POd my ex off royally)
I burned my one remaining 'Family' Photo of my ex and our 2 kids. (That was a photo of a Family that no longer existed and my kids had been brainwashed by her to totally HATE me before then).
I did, however, keep all of our old home camcorder videos - I watch them periodically and I think of just how fortunate I am that I NO LONGER have to live that way! And no, I do NOT miss my former way of life and, as I tell my lovely wife now, "Wild horses couldn't drag me back to the past."
I also did a cleansing exercise of sorts: I lay down on the bed one day, did a lot of slow deep breathing (AKA Tantric Yoga style) and imagined golden light coming down into my head and flowing all through my body, washing out the darkness and impurities - then watched the light as it continued flowing down through my feet and into the ground. It helped. I'm happy I took the time to do things I did to help myself - Lord knows the Pastor of our Church, my ex, our Kids, and our (former) friends certainly weren't going to do anything about it!
My situation today: MUCH MUCH happier to have moved on and left my UGLY Past behind me! And yes, I am a firm believer in BURNING BRIDGES!!!
Thanks for reading.
Harold