Ok. Here goes. As promised, I spoke via phone briefly with StBX and he asked when he could drop $$ by the house. I said anytime b/c I had plans. I don't mention anything else. Just plans. So he says to have fun with my girlfriends. And then he says to watch out... So, I venture out with just a guy friend and I mean just a friend to margaritas and dinner with tonight. We go to a very nice restaurant nearby with a cool rooftop where you could have a drink.

There were alot of people there and was after work kinda crowd. Lots of business men there and I looked, well, pretty good. Very good hair day. My buddy said that I was giving all the guys whiplash. I actually noticed for the first time tonight that he was RIGHT! About an hour after getting there I received TWO phone calls on my cell. Both had caller ID blocked. Wonder who that was? Hmmmmm. Anyhow, a third call w/ id block came in and I "accidentally" answered it. I was laughing and so was a few other people around me and then I "accidentally" hung it up. I don't know, but it must really feel wierd to wear the shoe on the other foot for a change.

He is still in the fog. I stil am not repaid for my son's tuition, yet I declared my independence tonight and looked very good while doing so. It is for sure, our WS's loss if they do not wake up ad smell the cappucino. Hope Austin got a good stiff whiff of it tonight. Fog may be wearin' a bit thinner tonight in GA. I made sure of that. Anyhow, our self improvement thing we are doing buddies is really working!!! If it turns out that I am single once again, I will probably not have to continue my mother teresa-nunlike existence unless I choose to. And duh, since my morals are in check, I will continue to choose them.

At least I know that I am indeed living and have a pulse. Glad to see a tiny glimpse of life after the D and that life definitely exists out there in that infinite chasm.

Miss the man I married. Wish he would return. He may never will. AFter those cell calls, makes me wonder if even 1/100th of that man still exists. I wonder....

You go girl!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good for you J.

I hope that you will be able to get past this man and on to a better person. I am trying to do the same.

I think of you everytime I see an EKG haha. Do you do Nucs as well? I know you said you do IVs. Or is this just for the Adenosine stress tests? Anyway, I am thinking of you and hoping that you will be able to get past this man.

I think that after my wife's attack yesterday that I am feeling pretty much free of her. Each time I start to have a soft spot for her,(usually after not speaking to her for about a week) she goes and reminds me just why I don't feel so bad about this whole thing as I could. Maybe you need to find out where you can be so that you don't feel the bond between you. I always used to think that I was a good catch and if she didn't want me then to hell with her. But when confronted with the situation, my responsibility to my family won out,(as if there was any other thought in my mind) and I did everything to restore my marriage, regardless of the pain and distrust that had formed.

Now I am free of that feeling. I love my family, but realize that except for dire circumstances, such as God coming down and whacking me on the back of the head, or she finds God and proves beyond all doubt that she wants our marriage, Nothing is going to happen except divorce. I accept that and just need to get my act together and get the final agreement started.

I will not try to advise you on what to do for yourself and your family. I have been from one extreme to the other and there is no guarantee that I won't swing back again, but I feel that at this point I have reached a place in which calm prevails and I just need to move forward with my and my boy's lives, in our direction, and with our futures in mind. I can make for a bright future for my family, and it looks like that future won't include her to any significant degree at least on my part. Maybe you need to do the same. Let Austin go. Let him live his life and you make yours. There are no guarantees, but you can make for your own brighter future as you chose within your circumstances.

I hope and pray that we all find peace within ourselves. Keep the guys looking and your feelings intact. Right now I almost feel at a crossroads. I could go down the path in which I am a 34 year old single doctor with a libido to beat all. Or I can go with myself and maintain my sensibilities and morals and keep within myself. I know who I am, and I am not my wife. I can think of no better reason to stay on the straight and narrow than to be different than her. Her immorality lends itself to my morality in that I will do anything to not be like her at all.

There is a silver lining usually. Sometimes it just gets left at the cleaners and you have to hunt for it for a while before you realize where it is.

Take care tonight. I was at a bar in N.C. around Duke a few months ago and remember seeing a beautiful woman out on the deck. I didn't take any more notice than that at the time, but now that I look back, I picture you as that woman.

FCC--thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wasn't in N. C. BTW, my bro in law is a surgeon and I am somehwat like you suspected in my profession. You can email me and I will tell you my degree, certifications, etc because I won't post it here. But you are right. And going out last night was with one of my two guy friends here. I have always been able to clearly define the line between friendship and the other and trust me, it was only on the friendship side. I know what I need to do to get over Austin. Need to use my head. Everything I've done thus far has been moral and pro MB, and I will continue it but with fine tuning. I am walking ahead each day just hoping that there will be one day which will come I won't wake up with that wierd dread in pit of my stomach.

I do hope, however, that the cell calls were from him. I was very A on the phone with him but briefly and ended the conversation saying that "I was just wanting to let you know you were in my thoughts". He sounded wierd. Anyhow there were the calls with no id. I should not read anything into it. My buddy last night said it was from him but b/c Austin can't control me anymore and that makes his skin crawl. That he has to understand even in his fog, that I am not his plaything or his anything to mess around with. That I am/was his W and he fell short. That is it. My buddy said to me and we had a really long talk (he goes to church w/me and is in similar boat except finally he is D'd and is in a stable relationship so I am really happy for him. He also doesn't think I am ready to date anyone yet) and in the talk he said that Austin had to understand fully and feel the consequences. Said it needs to come crashing down on him harder than hard. I told him about MB definitions of fog and he agreed. Said that this may be first chance for Austin in a few months to see that I am slowly starting to saw at the chains on my wrists and am trying now to break free. He told me and warned me that these cell calls mean nothing. They were just calls. He didn't do anything after I got home last night to say what calls meant, what they were for, so they were empty. Just like what he has done for an entire year now. A whole lot of nothing except dance around in the fog.

Tonight I am going to read more about MB principles and t he A stuff. I need it. I have declared I am no longer taking this crap from Austin and my head is finally on stright this time.
\
Have a good work day folks. It is so hard to sometimes get up and go to work b/c I used to be at home with my son. Austin and I made that decision, for me to be at home, together and he rescinded on that promise as well wh en it came time for the almighty dollar to come into play. I miss being at home with him and hope one day in the future, I can be that 100 mom I am.

As soon as I got in the car, Austin called. He said he was wanting to bring son over to house with the check tonight plus he left son's toy at his house so that way he could get to go retrieve toy before coming over here. Son without batman is a very bad situation...ha ha.

Anyhow, I was very forthright yesterday and am now about the way things should be. I have accepted ownership of what I did that was seemingly wrong in our relationship. But when placed in proper context, it just doesn't compute. What I did probably most wrong was be passive and allow his destructive behaviors to continue too long. I am beating myself up for nothing. Choose to live in today. Not keep reliving the past as though it were happening to me day after day. I have been frozen doing that and haven't grown one inch. It is like spinning my wheels. I am not going to let another day go by. He never accepted that he did a single thing wrong. It was my fault to let him be so controlling without offering anything except passive resistance. I am plan A'ing him but without any flattery or anything that is false. Not going to pat him on the back or anything. I am gradually now learning.

My learning has taken 13 months of living alone and dealing with this crap. If he wants a D, then so be it. I don't deserve to live like I did anymore. Who else does? I am using MB principles and am finally also doing something else. Becoming 100 percent responsible for me and my actions.

He is coming over and is wanting to see me face to face. Fine. I can go for that. This morning as soon as I got in car, during our phone call, he said that he wanted to build this new and deeper friendship with me. I said fine, I can go for that. But things will have to be very different. I am agreeing with thim. Our M is dead in the water. It would take him coming to God and turning his life and attitudes around. I've already done it and am working day by day on becoming a more effective and get to it kinda person every day.

He then proceeded to say that who knows what will happen between us and that some people have worked things out and who is he to cancel out anything with me...That's ok. But not good enough. No banana. I am not secretly leaping or jumping up and down anymore when he kind of says one day he would want me again. Well that is just not spectacular enough.

Dunno what happened to me last night but I realized that he is the one who just doesn't get it at all. It's that damn T.F.F. (the funky fog) hitting him again. Whenever or if ever he wakes up and regains consciousness after the fog leaves him and finds its next victim elsewhere, he will never believe the path of destruction that was left by his actions. HIS ACTIONS. And he will have to one day claim responsibility for that. I demand to be treated differently. My actions will be loving and kind and very A, but I am going to show him how to treat me. Will nod favorably to respect and kindness and will dismiss anything else.

When combining MB and the new principles I've learned about me in Life Strategies, I am convinced your plan A has to be tougher and harder ON US. We are not working hard enough to improve US. We are instead focusing on the actions of our other marriage partners and their reactions. We can't control them but we can learn TODAY how we want others to treat us. My eyes are wide open and I almost feel reborn. It is amazing.

I love him but there is so much wrong. God is in control of this but I also now acknowledge that God has let me know in a big way that I've let my life get out of control. I am grabbing the reigns and doing what I can to do my best in so many other areas. I have actively started doing this in January but I couldn't get out and name the things I've done. But now my path is alot clearer. Alot of stuff is going to change around here folks. Hopefully things will get peachier here in Ga.

I will start by being loving and kind and no LB at all, but will only demand respect and kindness in return. I have earned this by my actions day in and day out. I will continue a very strong plan A, but with limits and boundaries as to what I will accept from him anymore.

Pray for us, tonight will be interesting.

WARNING--AUSTIN POWERS RUMORED TO BE ON WAY TO WEST COAST. WOMEN BEWARE. HE HAS LOST HIS LICENSE TO SHAG AND IS FOGGED AND DANGEROUS!! ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO APPREHEND THIS INTERNATIONAL AGENT AND SELF-PROCLAIMED MAN OF MYSTERY WILL BE IN DANGER OF CONTRACTING "THE FUNKY FOG" , AN AILMENT WITH NO KNOWN CURE YET..

Arrrrrrgy. Austin comes over and drops off son. He looks around my house and tells me how lovely it is. Makes some nice comments and says how he had picked out all the furniture here. He then says I should be greatful for all of it. I said that there is a home much nicer than this one sitting back home unoccupied that we are paying for still. One that is not leased and one which is purchased. Said I am glad he likes way I've done house. He looks at new desk I bought (worth $500 at designer store but I paid $65 for it at huge sale) and says how "nice" everything is. He marvels at how he could pick out such nice furniture. How great my life is. He then talks about how he has lost 30 pounds and is slimmer than he was in college. Said great and that I am working out too. He then replies that I've been saying that for three years. I then replied, but there are alot of things I am doing now that I haven't ever done before and things you are not even aware of, changes that is. More small talk. Then he smiles at me, looks at me in the eyes and out the door. For about only a half of a second, I see the former man, the real guy. But it is gone in an instant and this clod is standing before me. He then says after I tell him of these unseen new changes, that it is so good that we are finally able to communicate...

I ask you???????So is my fogging him making sense to this man of mystery? I have decided to fog him even further by becoming what he is most scared of and what would be the absolute best and that is for me to turn into an absolute babe again. It is by far best for me as I am going to definitely be single before Christmas.

He is off tomorrow. Flying off into the Funky Fog. I don't even know if he will be alone. I am not sure and frankly right now, I don't even care. He is arrogant and lost. I don't care if he is attractive. I've been doing ok as far as last night went. I may not be back at my college weight of 105, but I am getting there and am living well in the process.

So no miracles here so far. Although he wierdly believes we are communicating sooooo well now. Funky foul fog.

I am ok. I know it is best never to get ones' hopes up if you are dealin

WARNING--AUSTIN POWERS RUMORED TO BE ON WAY TO WEST COAST. WOMEN BEWARE. HE HAS LOST HIS LICENSE TO SHAG AND IS FOGGED AND DANGEROUS!! ANYONE ATTEMPTING TO APPREHEND THIS INTERNATIONAL AGENT AND SELF-PROCLAIMED MAN OF MYSTERY WILL BE IN DANGER OF CONTRACTING "THE FUNKY FOG" , AN AILMENT WITH NO KNOWN CURE YET..

Arrrrrrgy. Austin comes over and drops off son. He looks around my house and tells me how lovely it is. Makes some nice comments and says how he had picked out all the furniture here. He then says I should be greatful for all of it. I said that there is a home much nicer than this one sitting back home unoccupied that we are paying for still. One that is not leased and one which is purchased. Said I am glad he likes way I've done house. He looks at new desk I bought (worth $500 at designer store but I paid $65 for it at huge sale) and says how "nice" everything is. He marvels at how he could pick out such nice furniture. How great my life is. He then talks about how he has lost 30 pounds and is slimmer than he was in college. Said great and that I am working out too. He then replies that I've been saying that for three years. I then replied, but there are alot of things I am doing now that I haven't ever done before and things you are not even aware of, changes that is. More small talk. Then he smiles at me, looks at me in the eyes and out the door. For about only a half of a second, I see the former man, the real guy. But it is gone in an instant and this clod is standing before me. He then says after I tell him of these unseen new changes, that it is so good that we are finally able to communicate...

I ask you???????So is my fogging him making sense to this man of mystery? I have decided to fog him even further by becoming what he is most scared of and what would be the absolute best and that is for me to turn into an absolute babe again. It is by far best for me as I am going to definitely be single before Christmas.

He is off tomorrow. Flying off into the Funky Fog. I don't even know if he will be alone. I am not sure and frankly right now, I don't even care. He is arrogant and lost. I don't care if he is attractive. I've been doing ok as far as last night went. I may not be back at my college weight of 105, but I am getting there and am living well in the process.

So no miracles here so far. Although he wierdly believes we are communicating sooooo well now. Funky foul fog.

I am ok. I know it is best never to get ones' hopes up if you are dealing with a foggy sort of person.

Keep praying guys. I am starting over and have accepted this. It will be just a little while. I am certain that this man will 100% regret his decision and am going to live my life as though I depend only on me. He said to me arrogantly today, you can't expect me to provide for you for the rest of your life. I said, yea, that had been my problem for some time. Sure am glad that I am doing things so differently now.

No big discoveries here folks and nothing new. Just Austin wanting to see me for a brief bit before he launches himself upon the poor women on the west coast. Orchid and gals out there, beware!!! Austin is coming your way. Have found that to laugh is the best cure for my woes. Woes are subsiding as the days pass, though. I am doing better and am being IM'd by a very cute buddy who's a doc and SINGLE....

Gotta go.

Did he pay you the money he owes you?

Hey El he did include the check. Took him so long and excuses why he couldn't simply put it in my mailbox. Had to come by and give it to me. Not the first time he had placed a check in mailbox...Oh, and attached to check was son's weeklylesson plans at school and guess what was attached? I didn't notice until later. Two pics. One of son and his cousin and the other pic of son and Austin fishing with Austin wearing no shirt. Guess that pic was supposed to make me drool or something. Make me think how he is shaggarific. I have never given him a pic of me and son. Nope.

So this was a wierd day. Austin launches his manly assault on the west coast tomorrow and he has happily wandered away aimlessly into the funky fog with his lack of remorse muttering excuses and justifications all the way to the airport.

At least I got paid back. That is good b/c he still doesn't pay me what he should and my attorneys are hopefully going to change that soon.

How long before one should date? I have beens separated for 14 months and filed for one year as of Sept. 11. I realize I am legally married to this man, but I have lived the life of Maria from the Sound of Music for the last year serving as a full time mom, homemaker, and nun. Oh, Maria was n't a health professional but we can add that to the list posted at my convent. I understand the morality of all of it, but I am just wondering when is a good time. So far, God hasn't placed that desire in my heart as I am just focusing on healing from the inside out and working on me now.

I wonder if Austin thinks I will put that pic under my pillow or in a frame beside my bed. Nope. He has the whole world still in the legal sense but is happily going to throw it away and I really THINK HE BELIEVES THE GARBAGE HE IS SAYING. The part about how we will become friends and start over, blah bla h blah. If MB principles and me doing a good plan A stay true, then if he doesn't do something drastic to change his ways soon, then I will indeed exhaust my LB forever as far as he is concerned. Think the LB is down to nickels and pennies now.

FCC hope you are ok today as well.

Have a good night all. I am retiring to bed and wake up to do some kick boxing. I have a collegiate bod to obtain again. This is kinda fun. I ate sushi tonight and some drug reps brought lasagna and salad at work. Only ate small square of lasagna, but I am dieting and I gave in. Caved right in. But I will make up for that tomorrow. As my favorite herione says, tomorrow is another day. Hey, wasn't she from GA also? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I feel for you.

There is no telling what will happen, therefore I have chosen to do what I want at my own time and speed.

Was thrilled and sad all at once today. All the time that we put into going to medical school and residency is about to pay off it looks like. Got a job interview at the best hospital group in town this evening. Will be going in a couple weeks. Talked at length with the president and he basically stated after hearing about me from a couple other guys that I used to work with and my current boss, that the interview is more for me to decide whether I want to work there rather than whether they will take me.

I put in over 10 years just in medical training and now the payoff. And I want to state, not braggingly, but it is a HUGE payoff. But at the same time at what cost. Sometimes I wonder if I had just stayed on our ranch in Colorado, maybe I would be poor, but I would possibly have my family. Maybe circumstances would not have led me to be how I have been and would also not have led her to be unfaithful. Who knows, but I think of it alot.

Anyway, I would give this job up in a heartbeat if all this didn't happen, but I still had the knowledge and changes that I had made. The only problem is that she would not have changed and therefore we still couldn't be together, because I can't be with the person she is and has been. It makes me cry to think that she just goes off the deep end at this juncture. I feel guilty that I will make more in 3 weeks than I will owe her in child support for the entire year. It saddens me to think of all the places we had planned on going to and all the things we were going to do.

But you know, It was not me that decided that I didn't want to put in the effort to keep my marriage. Heck, it wasn't even me who couldn't even decide to keep a loving and doting husband who had changed so much and only wanted to make her happy. She just ran away and has no eyes for looking around at the calamity she has brought upon herself and her family. I know that I worked too much, but she should have told me, and I changed it anyway before all this. I know that I was demanding, but that changed overnight when I found out just how all of it was affecting our lives.

I know that anything that ever goes wrong in her life will be deemed "my fault" by her. That is just who she is. She blames other teachers for things at school, she blames her principal for everything else at school. She blames her mother and sisters for everything in her family. She blamed me for eveything in our family. I really don't know if she will ever see just how much she plays a part in all of the things that occur "TO" her. She creates an atmosphere in which people tend to respond negatively, then she blames those negative reactions on the person and calls him/her BAD. Nothing to do with her at all.

Anyway, lets get out there and live our lives. As far as dating, I have made the decision that I am not going to date until at least I am divorced. Not for any reason other than I am sure it is going to happen, and that I will not wait for her to do it. I will be working on this for the next few weeks. I had originally told her that I didn't want it and would do nothing to help it along, but I have changed my mind. She has repeatedly shown me that she has no regard for me and my feelings and therefore, I have no bind on my earlier decision.

I have chosen life. As one character in a book I recently read said. "Do you want to survive or LIVE?"

Well, I choose Life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I put in over 10 years just in medical training and now the payoff. And I want to state, not braggingly, but it is a HUGE payoff. But at the same time at what cost. Sometimes I wonder if I had just stayed on our ranch in Colorado, maybe I would be poor, but I would possibly have my family. Maybe circumstances would not have led me to be how I have been and would also not have led her to be unfaithful. Who knows, but I think of it alot. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What might have happened is that things would have gone wrong anyway, and you would wonder if if you had gone to medical school and made something of yourself would that have kept your family together. There is no point in second guessing yourself on this.

Npig, I am glad you got the check. I was concerned that all of Austin's changes in plans and weird behavior were a ploy to distract you from his not giving you the money. That is funny about the picture. Too bad you don't own a canary-you could use it for lining the bird cage.

F.C.--Congratulations! That is wonderful news. And no, you did nothing by working hard to bring this on. I am sort of like you except that I've been filed and separated for a year now. It's taken this long b/c he has not been up front about his offers for settlement. I also know how much this man makes and he is offering me less than the attorneys I have say is the norm. And because he is unreliable in the past, I have to do all I can. Basically live life with blinders on only able to focus ahead b/c he could just one day up and run off with some woman leaving our son and I high and dry. I do fairly well, but not enough to absorb all the debt now and to have a home and such. He also left me with all the credit cards to pay off each month even though they are joint accounts. He will be responsible for them in the end though. Some time off the board I'll have to tell you my whole story. You will be amazed. But don't beat yourself up and focus ahead like you are doing. Tunnel vision in this case is a good thing.

El--you are so right. And hilarious as well.

I am glad I've met you two and am blessed to have new friends now.

Oh, I got a message last night on cell that I didn't check. It was from Austin about 30 min. after he left. Said he was SORRY for lecturing to me and was happy to see I was doing so WELL. He also said home looked very nice and I had decorated it well. He is gone now and is probably driving a rented shaguar chasing down women on the sunset strip. Oh well, at least he said one word I have never heard uttered. SORRY. But it is a million miles away from total repentance and unless he is willing to repent, there is nothing that can help him including photos of his new harder abs and all. I am actually immune to it all. It is so funny. I guess I AM actually fogging him now. He thinks I am doing well. And truth be known I am kinda doing well. I would much rather have him seeing me do my best and look good rather than see me teary eyed and scraggly looking. He needs a good jolt of the new me. See what a good deal he is passing by.

Any thoughts about why the call and the picture? I have never provided him with any pics of me and son for his personal gallery.

Check in with you guys later. Going to gym and have a good workout. Hope you had a good day.
Bye! Oh, one of the docs I work with today gave a television interview with major news network. It was really neat.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Any thoughts about why the call and the picture? I have never provided him with any pics of me and son for his personal gallery. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From the way you describe him, it sounds like he really needs to see himself as being a stud. Now that he senses your admiration is waning, he needs to do something to get it back. You are supposed to sit around thinking "How could I have let him go", silly girl!

As if.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Check in with you guys later. Going to gym and have a good workout. Hope you had a good day. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had a busy day-going to work out later myself but I do it at home.

What do you do for your workouts? I lift weights-used to do cardio on my treadmill but have got real lazy about that-weights are much more fun.

Hey! Back from gym and gettin' ready to put son in bath and to sleep pronto...I am exhausted. I prefer cardio to weights but need to start again. I did about 35 min. elliptical rider tonight and was sweating so hard b/c it I didn't realize I was going that fast. That's what happens when you have stress needing to be released. Boy did I release it.

El- Not sure if he wants me to see him as a stud b/c he has not even attempted one thing really, just lots of innuendo and whatsoever since he spent the night a few weeks ago. If he wants me to see him as a stud, he'd have to fess up and repent. A real man can do that. I don't think he even really cares what I think. I am just another girl and ATL has tons of attractive women for Austin to impress.

But you are right as my interest is waning b/c I have gotten a life somewhat. I don't like playing any kind of games and am so sick of what he's done for the last year that I am indeed growing so weary of it. That's why I call him Austin Powers, b/c he isn't behaving at all like a grown man, a married man or a father. I wish I could just say to him and should the day come when he comes over for a visit after I have had a chardonnay or two I will probably say to him" Oh Austin dooooo behave." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have changed my sign off here folks..This song is waaay too funny and describes how I feel now perfectly...

Getting ready to go to zzzzzzzz. Good night all.