Just finished a round of emails with my WH. He left me and our 2 kids last November, and for the first time since then, he sent me a 'chatty' email last week. I was pretty surprised, and much as I tried not to go there, I starting hoping for more than it was. Anyways, we continued to email a few times, rehashed old history, old accusations, etc. and just the fact that he was responding without major anger or defensiveness (at first) got me hooked. Then, after one of my last responses after we hadn't corresponded for a few days he seemed to get his back up and was VERY defensive and angry again. I responded to that in anger, then this morning I sent an apology for that one, and basically said that unless he was interested in working on reconciliation I didn't want to talk about 'personal' stuff anymore. End of story. Haven't heard from him all day, and assume that's it. Felt weepy all day.

My question, query is: HOW DO I STOP LOVING SOMEONE THAT I LOVE? I don't want this pain anymore! It amazed me how after many months of no personal contact and me feeling much better about myself and my singlehood, I can feel so devastated again. I had hoped that those 'lovin feelings' were dissipating, but there they were, strong as ever. How can I continue to love someone who has betrayed me so cruelly? He's involved with OW who also broke up her family for him. They're not living together yet, but spend all their time together. Am I stupid or what? I know that part of the issue is that he's been mostly decent (as decent as one can be after abandonment and betrayal of one's family) and so I keep hoping the decent, real him will emerge again, and he'll come back to his senses, and me.

Are there any tricks, any tips, on how to kill affection and love for WS? Please send me any advice whatsoever. Thanks. -nel

Natasha,

Although the feelings are still very strong, I bet the will abate much faster than before. I understand the devestation that feeling better and then dealing with the WS does to us. And I feel the same way, but I have come a long way in my self. I bet you have done the same.

Do your best at being strong, and try not to set yourself up to have "too much" hope. I think that is what hurts the most for me. I start thinking HMMMmmmmm, then she comes and kicks me in the gut.

I think all the stomach crunches I have been doing in my workouts may be finally paying off, because those kicks don't while painful, don't pack nearly the punch that they did just a few months ago.

Keep your chin up Natasha. Let us know how yor days go. Talk with yor friends, and don't wait on him. Make sure that your life is continuing. If he comes back then great. But if he doesn't then Also Great, because as you live on, you will be finding new insights into yourself and what you want and are capable of.

Take care.

Natasha: After all the pain my XH has caused me, I, too, still have feelings for him. But they are for the person he was not what he became.

My XH and I had an e-mail battle in June. I blocked his e-mail address after that. He tried calling me at work a few weeks ago to discuss our tax return and I refused his call. It is the only way I can cope with my emotions. I have totally detached from him. If I continued to have contact with him, it would just rip me up each time. However, it is probably a lot easier for me than you to cease communications since we did not have kids.

My advice to you would be to have as little communication with him as possible. You need to protect your feelings and get strong.

Fingers 1258 and Formerly Confused, thanks SO MUCH for the words of encouragement and support. It's amazing what some kind words will do for the soul. I guess that's part of what makes this all so difficult - all the 'ugliness' of it, the ill-will towards us from our spouses. I find that part so hard to bear. To feel like WH now views me as the enemy when just last year we were contemplating a 'forever' together. Mind you, that was just an illusion. He kept talking that way, but my gut was telling me otherwise.

Anyways, thanks again for taking the time to lift me up. I KNOW God will take care of us and that we will all be okay, I just find all the turmoil and callousness I read about on these boards so hard to stomach. Life shouldn't be this way, especially for those of us who know God. We should be able to work it out, shouldn't we? If we can't, what chance does the world have (without God)? I know there is no easy answer, I'm just venting...

This site is so awesome. The people here sure seem to have it all together; too bad we couldn't all live in the same community, and stick all our WS's into another one. Can you imagine what THAT would look like? ha,ha! Anyways, I'm getting snarky, so will sign off for now. Today IS a better day, and God has lifted me up, as usual. Just got back a while ago from an early morning prayer session at church; those always bring me closer to God. Have a good day everyone. -nel

Natasha: In your last post, you touched on something that hit a chord with me. You said that you felt like you were the enemy of your WH. When I got the nasty e-mails from my XH, I was absolutely devastated. I realized he thought of me as his enemy now. He was treating me like he treated his first wife. I think of all that I have gone through these past eight months, the realization that I was his enemy hurt the most.

You sound like you are doing a lot better. You will get through this. If I can get through it, so can you! Keep praying, it really helps.

Fingers 1258,

Thanks again. Sorry to hear of your pain as well. It's so hard to know those we love have turned on us, isn't it? And generally for what I believe are very 'solveable' problems. What a screwed up world we live in. I appreciate your vote of confidence; yes, I am doing better, and truly believe that God is carrying me thro it all. You take care. - nel

Natasha-

I wish there were some easy answers, but a few things that I've learned are that time does in fact help, and that trying to figure identify your true feelings help too.

Read the post by Formerly Confused about whether you really miss your spouse or just the idea of your spouse.

If you looked at what your spouse was doing to you from an outsiders point of view - what would they see? How would they see him treating you?

Yes, you are to love your enemies, but you are not supposed to let them continue to hurt you emotionally.

You have to learn to detach with love - if you go to the GQII board and search for "Detach with love" or Detaching with Love - there is a good post that shares how to do that. There is another post about acceptance - both posts are byu Bramblerose and they were taken from al-anon literature - and surprisingly enough for some going to al-anon and learning how to detach with love helps many people.

Many people become dependent upon the realtionship and the life that they had and confuse that with love for their spouse because how healthy is it to love someone who is doing hateful things to you? Counseling could help you there to learn to sort out and identify your feelings.

Now, I'm not sure exactly what you personally need, but those are things that others have dones and experienced and they may be helpful to you.

I learned that I had created this picture of what I thought marriage should be and pretended that my marriage was that picture even when it wasn't. That's not to say that there weren't happy times, but I did notice that I became blind and overlooked alot of things that I shouldn't have.

I still feel that I have love for my Ex and we will for a long time because it takes a long time to heal fro mthe break up of a marriage. But I also know that the reality is that my ex does not show love to me through his actions and that while I don't need to be mean to him, I don't have to subject myself to painful situations like talking to him or e-mailing him - especially when the subject is painful and I know that nothing I say will change him.

Try to focus on yourself and your life and how you can become a better happpier person.

It will take time, but you need to take care of yourself and talking to WH seems to be too painful for you right now.

You can also do Plan A is you think that yo ucan handle it emotionally, but I notice that I always break down after or while I talk to Ex so I know that it's not good for me and I try to limit my communication for my own sake.

Also, remember WH's don't like relationship talk as a rule because it reminds them of the bad thing they are doing. Try to not get your hopes up with the e-mails when you know WH is still in the fog.

Hang in there. It's tough, but just keep on keepin' on. And prayer does work wonders for giving you the strength that you need to keep going.

K

Dear GIIC,

Thanks so much for your comments and suggestions. I will look up the readings you suggested, but not now as it's late and I'm off to bed soon. Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to pass on the life lessons you've learned.

Yes, that whole 'do I miss the marriage or the illusion of what I thought it was' issue is a tough one for me. My sister keeps telling me the same thing. And probably to some degree it's true that I'm clinging to what it is I wanted it to be, and thought it could be. I keep thinking that 'if only' he were willing to work on our problems, they'd be fixable. I believe that with my whole heart, but the 'if only' is a big BUT. I can't make him love me, or even admit he loves me, and I can't make him try if he's not so inclined.

I truly feel like our problems were not 'unfixable' and that's what frustrates me so much. I'm convinced that if he hadn't met his OW he'd still be here, and hopefully focused on the REAL issues that were plaguing him, not blaming it all on me/us. It wasn't until she was in the picture and he got a taste of a quick-fix that he started making me the enemy. He was in such a desperate, miserable, mental state, that when she came along, Satan had a pretty easy job convincing him all his problems were wrapped up in us. He really is a decent man at heart, I truly believe that. Our relationship is such a piece of cake compared to so many here, including yourself. My heart just hurts for you everytime I read the latest on what your XH puts you thru. I will NEVER understand that kind of cruelty. You are an amazing woman, and as you are to me, I'm sure you are a real inspiration to so many here. I thank you for your warm heart, and for what an honorable child of God you are!

So, yes, I have to learn to let go, and for the most part am doing that. I will not give up hope totally tho. I am doing my best to go on with life, and actually feel better in many ways now than I have for years!, but won't close that chapter in my life until he is remarried, and/or I lose all love for him. Because I do still love the person he used to be, and the person I thought I saw emerging before OW came along. Maybe it is all an illusion - I guess only time will tell for sure. But I plan to move onward into peace and light, with or without him. Thanks again for the encouragement, and know that I keep you in my prayers. -nel

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by natasha79:
<strong>Just finished a round of emails with my WH. He left me and our 2 kids last November, and for the first time since then, he sent me a 'chatty' email last week. My question, query is: HOW DO I STOP LOVING SOMEONE THAT I LOVE? I don't want this pain anymore! It amazed me how after many months of no personal contact and me feeling much better about myself and my singlehood, I can feel so devastated again. I had hoped that those 'lovin feelings' were dissipating, but there they were, strong as ever. How can I continue to love someone who has betrayed me so cruelly? He's involved with OW who also broke up her family for him. They're not living together yet, but spend all their time together. Am I stupid or what? I know that part of the issue is that he's been mostly decent (as decent as one can be after abandonment and betrayal of one's family) and so I keep hoping the decent, real him will emerge again, and he'll come back to his senses, and me.

Are there any tricks, any tips, on how to kill affection and love for WS? Please send me any advice whatsoever. Thanks. -nel</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Natasha79! I'm sorry for your pain. If I was in your shoes (and I once was) I would send him a nice "NO CONTACT, PLEASE" email and tell him to go back to the ----- that he's with now (U fill-in-the-blank) and leave you alone until he's ready to return to the Woman he swore a Sacred Vow to - that he would FORSAKE ALL OTHERS, etc. You are only setting yourself up for more hurt from him by keeping contact with him, especially emails! My kids and ex played me the same way: send me a nice kind email, yadda yadda yadda, then when I warm up to them, they BLAST ME with the same LAME old dredged-up line of BS they believed 4 years ago. After this had happened to me 3 times, I sent them a curt, to-the-point LEAVE ME ALONE STOP PLAYING GAMEZ email to them. Haven't heard from them since.
Just a suggestion, hope it works.
God bless.
Harold

Thanks Harold.

I did send him that kind of note about 3 days ago, and haven't heard from him since. That's pretty much my answer, as I'd said in it that unless he was interested in some serious 'reconciliation' related talk, I didn't want to hear from him anymore. It's been very quiet. Oh well, I know I need to keep moving forward, so it's for the best, but it was kinda neat to feel a bit of hope for a few days there.

Sorry to hear of your troubles as well. Take care of yourself. -nel