Hi all,

Am new here. Found this site by chance and was hoping to get some gd advises. Am feeling so lousy, have been for a while.

Here's my story. 6 years ago, I met a wonderful guy (lets call him A), we were together for a while, and then we both had to part to go for further studies. For 3 years, our relationship was long-distanced, only meeting during summer or winter breaks. We felt then, we were so meant for each other. Sadly, our relationship did not survive the loneliness and we moved on breaking each other's heart.

2 yrs ago, I got married. I got married for many reasons, all of which I realise now were wrong reasons, and am now unhappy in marriage. The memories of this guy A still haunts me. For a long time now, I always wondered what it would have been if we'd forgave each other and were still together today. I did something really not like what I'd normally do. I've actually lost all contact with guy A, but decided to really go all out to find him again. I needed to tell him how I really felt for him since that time till now, I wanted to say I was sorry for hurting him, I guess we've both hurt each other.

I found him. We talked like friends would, and he could sense I was unhappy and feeling down. And before I could tell him about what I wanted to tell him, he told me exactly what I meant to say to him. I'm really lost now. I do not know what to do. I do not want him to be the reason my marriage ends. Yet, I cannot deny that part of the reason why my marriage isn't working out is because the shadow of Guy A has never left my mind.

Please help me...anyone out there. I really need a listening ear and some solid advise. Should I go with my heart or do the sane thing and remain married to my husband now. I dont want to hurt anyone but it seems so impossible.

dear always hurting
first of all what do you have now.
And is A married to someone??If it is so
there are four people in this story.
And also the person that you are married to now would feel that there is something wrong.
be honest at all times with yourself and
the people that care about you.

Dear absurd,

Thanks for replying.

Let me continue my sad story with more details. Right now, Guy A isn't married (has never gotten married), he told me that till this day he has not forgotten about me. He's had relationships before, all didn't last, becoz like me, there is always the shadow of the past. I think on my part, I did try to let it go. I tried very hard...maybe too hard to forget about him - hence I decided to marry this other man, my current husband.

My husband and I met, dated for only 6 mths when he proposed, then we got married 5 mths from that day. I thought he really love me...he does maybe in his own ways, but he does not meet my needs. (actually wanted to ask for some advise in the Emotional Needs section too, but have yet to type anything there). We've been married for 1 yr now...I can count with my ten fingers the number of times we made love. I've tried to talk to him about it be it in tears or screams of frustration, bought books for him to read, but it was all useless. He seems to think its no big deal having a marriage without any passion or cuddles.

I dont know how to be honest to myself. Coz being honest would constitute betrayal. Being brought up as a Catholic, I never want to commit a sin of betrayal. I know my marriage had problems even before I found back Guy A (maybe thats why I wanted to find back my lost love, I'm also not too sure). Please know that Guy A and I are friends now, we have not done anything 'wrong' besides saying how those old feelings still remain. Maybe that in itself would be considered betrayal, I dont know.

I think because of my marriage not working out the way I thought it would be, has somehow made me feel a greater lost with Guy A. He was really the almost perfect man, but pride got the better of me and I choose to run away. But at the same time, I do not want Guy A to be the reason why I'm thinking of the D. Actually I've been contemplating the D 2 or so months already, just no courage to do so. How would I face my family members. I can only bury the pain inside and its always hurting.

<small>[ September 18, 2002, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: always_hurting ]</small>

always hurting,

Only you can answer that question. Just wanted to let you know that I feel for you and your situation. What I do in times like this is to go get quiet, write out the pros and cons of each choice or scenario, then ask God to direct me. It's best if I just sit quietly or do right before bedtime so my mind has time to work without my thinking getting in the way. The answer always comes, even though I may not like the answer.

Theres no doubt that God hates divorce and I too am a Catholic. And I feel the longing in your post for love (true love)???

Ask God to help you get honest with yourself. And for discernment and wisdom.

God Bless,

D.

Hi "WillGetThruThis",

You're right on when you said "I feel the longing in your post for love (true love.."..

I think I never quite cherish when true love walked my way. Though back then, I knew so strongly that I really loved this man, I still chose to walk away. Perhaps I chose to thinking that someday someone or anyone can replace him and make me feel complete again. I guess I was a little naive.

Guy A and my husband are 2 very different people. If I were to really pen down the pros and cons I liked or loved about both, I'd come up with a complete different set of pros and cons, if you know what I mean. With Guy A, I could talk everything, he was like a soulmate. But then again, he's a good talker, which does have its bad points too, because there were times in the past when I felt really insecure seeing him getting on so smoothly and charming all the other women around him. He's also a risk taker. Has a lot of ideas about what life should be, reads alot and is very knowledgable in the business sorta sense. We click so well, because we had no communication breakdown.

With my husband, we definately have a communication issue. When I try to talk to him about issues we have, he doesn't seem to care. Perhaps he thinks that in time, these issues will 'repair' themselves. Its so not true. I get really frustrated when I want to make him understand something and I've tried talking to writting letters. Sometimes when we quarral really bad, he would write me a letter (imagine, he cannot even talk to me straight in person, its so saddening), long essay letters with sorrys and promises to change for the better, promises to cater more to my needs etc. All of which he never quite did. In the beginning, I would still cry and believe him when I read those letters. As time went by, I became quite numb, and though I still read those letters, the tears did not come anymore.

To all the men out there, I just wish to say, when your wife says she has an issue, please wake up. I think no matter how small the issue is, it should always be resolved and not left to tommorrow, or wait for it to repair itself. You know, I had even had to go to the extreme or extend of telling him straight in his face that our marriage has issues and if not resolved will go crashing in no time. I don't know if he GETS it or not, or maybe by now, I've mentioned it too often and no action done that he feels that I'm just plain trying to scare him or something like that.

To be honest with you. I've not gone to Church for a long time now. I never gave God up, I just don't go anymore, especially after I met my husband because he isn't Catholic. He wouldn't even want to accompany me there. I've always wished for a beautiful Church Wedding, I never had one. I didn't want to force upon my religion onto my husband because I wanted it to be on his own will.

<small>[ September 18, 2002, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: always_hurting ]</small>

Dear Always:

This may sound harsh, but I truly don't mean it to be.

You knew you loved another when you married your H. You have stated you were looking for another to make you happy and to get away from your first love (huge mistakes). You knew your H was not a Catholic and now you hold it against him because you did not have a Big Church wedding and he does not go to church with you. HUH? You were there for all these decisions you are equally responsible for them all.

It appears after one year you do not even like your H. You have stated that you recognize you have not even given your H a chance because of first guy. You are now having an emotional affair with first guy.

Now is the time to grow up and face your role in all of this. Be honest with your H and let him go and find happiness himself. The M was entered into under false circumstances. You have only been married a year. I hope there are no children.

Go back to the first guy if that is your desire. Just treat your H with the respect and dignity he deserves and let him go with honesty.

Again, I know this sounds harsh, but in my opinion it is important to see our own roles in our situations to keep from making the same mistakes.

I wish you well.

Jack

Dear "willmakeitwork",

Thanks for the wake-up call. Honestly, if only I'd had the courage to be a 'run-away' bride then, I would not be typing this here today.

Yes, I know I was foolish in trying to deceive myself at the point I got married because deep in my heart, I knew I loved another. In actual fact, I believe my H can feel it too. We both have responsibilities in our failing marriage because he knew I was on the rebound. There would be nites where I would cry myself silly. I was just in a blurry state...just wanted to hide in his security blanket.

Please don't misunderstand, I do not hold it against my H at all for not being Catholic. I only hope, he will someday try to go Church with me, because its something I regard as bonding together and I feel can make our relationship stronger if we have this common interest.

I do not don't even like my H. I'm tired - thats what I am...tired of trying since day 1. The problems started as early as our wedding nite. We did not even make love at all. Also did not during our 2 weeks honeymoon. Sad eh?

I'm afraid of being honest. H has quite a temper. I'm afraid he may hurt me physically.
I can count with my 10 fingers the no. of times we made love, so there are no kids.

Thank you for your well wishes. I wished things didn't have to be this way. I'm not sure why H wanted to marry me so much back then. It was as if he really truely loved me back then, then immediately after marriage, I can see a almost 180 degree change...well, at least for the passion part. I wonder if there was a motive in all. Sometimes I really don't feel any love at all and I ask myself why after 1 yr and I have to go through all this already. Seems so unfair to me. But I don't deny that its also unfair to him because I still had another in my heart.