I have been on this site viewing the posts for some time now, but never had the courage to post.

So here goes, my first one.

I have been with my wife for 13 years, along the way it has been very rocky.

We split up on April last year, The reason we split was my wife had fealings for another man, whom she got together with after we split, there relationship lasted 4 months, and ended in tears for her.

We got back on speaking terms and before i new it we had got back together,(last september).

My problem is i have been very bitter about what happened, and through my bitterness we have split up again.

I found it hard to trust her, i started drinking alot,involved with drugs(it made me not think of the hurt i went through) i got abusive towards her, and 7 weeks ago i ended up throwing her about, which led to her being quite bruised.(which i am very ashamed off)

Since then she has had a court order excludding me from the house and her, and has put in for a divorce. since we have no children the divorce is going through quite quickly, basically we will be divorced on the 23rd of september this year.

The advice i need is.

I have been back speaking to her again, for the last ten days to be precise, ive been back living with her, and things have been great, my problem is that the divorce goes through next week and she does not want to stop it, she is saying to me that she needs to protect herself, and if we work it out, we can get married again.

Am i been unreasnoble by askin her not to divorce me.

i have recognised that i do have a problem with drink and drugs, and i am getting help with it.

I do deeply love her, and i beleive she loves me to.

So what do i do?

Any advice welcome.

Thanx

CBH,

It sounds like you both have major trust issues to deal with.

What has she done to prove to you that there is no OM now, and that there won't be again?

What have you done to prove that the abusive incident was an isolated event and won't happen again?

Read everything you can find on this site, seek IC for yourself and MC for your relationship.

She needs to be 100% sure that domestic violence will not occur again before you can begin working on the relationship issues that led to the affair.

See if she will agree to read through the MB Basic Concepts on this site, and look into the books together.

Hope this helps you get started. Good luck staying away from the 'painkillers'.

xPB

Sounds like that in this case actions are going to speak louder than words -

it seems to me that she is going to need to see you going to a counselor once a week or every other week, going to anger management classes or groups, going to some rehab groups and basically working toward learning how to cope with your anger in a healthy non-destructive way.

You may end up divorced, but some couples do remarry after divorced, so don't think that this is totally the end of the world, but after what has happened, I really thing that your W is going to need to see sustained action and recovery on your part, and it would be a good idea for you to take this time and really do the work that you need to do to heal.

It will make you a much better person for yourself, your famiy and your wife.

Good luck! K