Having a hard time today.....I hate dealing with legal stuff, etc. My stbx reported me to his credit card companies as having fraudulently gotten and used cards in his name.....not true, and I got the legal advice from my lawyer, so I wrote the appropriate letters; but still gives me that "stomach ache of dread". What will he try to do next?
The children come home saying "dad says if you don't tell us the truth about you, he will". The truth is, I wouldn't live with a selfish, angry, abusive man anymore and I just couldn't try any harder. Should I tell them that he was cheating on me? That I made the mistake of a one afternoon fling because I was so devestated? That he treated me as if he hated me? Obviously, this is all adult stuff between the two of us and the children don't need details. So they come home from his house upset and I have to calm and comfort them. More awful feelings in the pit of my stomach.
This week he'll get the final draft of the divorce petition. Will he sign it? Will he drag me to court? How will I pay for all this? Will I end up in the hospital due to my stress and diabetes? Does it ever end?
How does everyone else get through all this? I pray, I talk to friends, but I don't want to burden them with all my worries.
Just having a tough day, could use some encouragement.

(((Anna)))

There is no way you should tell the children what you know he is insinuating he would tell them if you didn't. He's trying to hurt you, control you, humiliate you. If he tells them, they will EVENTUALLY understand that it was wrong of him ... just like eventually I realized that my mother should have NEVER mentioned in front of me that my father wanted her to have an abortion when she was pregnant with me.

If he is revolting enough to tell them, first go straight to your lawyer and let them know, the judge should not look favorably on that!! Second, if they ask you about it, tell them that there are a lot of reasons that mommy left daddy, and when they're old enough and want to know, then you will tell them everything.

It's hard not to engage in parental alienation when it's being used against you. If they start acting out because of what they've been told, please get them into counseling. They WILL at some point realize which parent said all the nasty things about the other, and which parent kept the truth quiet. One of my parents was bitter and let me know things I shouldn't have heard about the other. One parent never spoke of the other. I am/was actually closer to the parent that took the high road, and was surprised to hear later in life that the bitter one is the one who had an affair and left.

They'll be grown up before you know it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Reply with something reassuring, like "I know it is hard for you right now, with mommy and daddy arguing so much. The truth about me is that I love you children very much, and even though daddy and I are not together any more, I'm going to take good care of you. I'm sure daddy is going to take good care of you, too." Okay, that last sentence is a bald faced lie, but Buttercup is right-the kids don't need to hear the bad stuff about dad from you. They will figure it out all on their own. And they will figure out right now which parent sounds loving and reassuring when she talks to them, and which one sounds angry and mean.

You are right....I haven't run him down at all, but when I realized how he was putting me down to the kids, I decided to fight fire with fire. I still don't run him down, BUT....I make sure they have an after school snack on the days they are with me, and a bedtime snack when they come home from dad's. I put love notes in their suitcase when they go for the weekend. I make an extra effort to help with homework and spend time talking to each child. I've always been a good mom....but I decided to be the best mom I can be. And already I can see they are noticing...they comment on how "dad ALWAYS has hot dogs for supper, but you COOk stuff for us". The nice thing about this plan is that I'm NOT putting him down and he could fight back by being a better dad so there wasn't such a big contrast between us. I'm not holding my breath.....

It's just that awful feeling of dread I get every time I see him.....wondering what sneaky way he'll come up with to get to me next....we don't argue or fight due to the no contact order....which is why he uses talking to the children or other people about me as a weapon. I'd just like to go through a day without my stomach hurting, you know?

Annavon -

Yes, I know.

I know that even though you are doing the right thing that it still hurts knowing that your kids are hearing disparaging remarks about you for no other reason than to try and hurt you - except that in doing so the kids are the ones who are hurt the most.

Why do they do this?

I think it's because they are unhappy and since they are unhappy they don't want us to be happy either. Maybe they think that by putting us down it will make them feel better about themselves somehow. Or maybe they want the kids to like them and dislike us because they need that extra love and support and since they don't have that self love they try to get it from the kids.

It's not fair, but it's a good learning tool for the kids in a way because they can see how people try to manipulate their affection and to learn that that behavior isn't the way real love works.

Love is patient, love is kind, love is not self-serving, love is not jealous.....

Our spouses are just jealous.

The kids do know and can know that mommy and daddy have done things that have made them mad at each other - just like the kids make each other mad sometimes. But somethings are also for groundup and adults only and the kids need to respect that too.

You are doing all the right things. Hang in there and try to keep on going. I know it's hard, and so vent here all you want. But know that it's the "home" that you provide that the kids will be drawn to, and no one can replace the feelings that kids have for their mom. They just can't.

Keep up the good work! K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's just that awful feeling of dread I get every time I see him.....wondering what sneaky way he'll come up with to get to me next....we don't argue or fight due to the no contact order....which is why he uses talking to the children or other people about me as a weapon. I'd just like to go through a day without my stomach hurting, you know?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, do I ever know-it took me 18 years to get to the point where I could be in the same room with my X without being sick to my stomach. Fortunately, we didn't need to be in the same room much, but school open house, that sort of thing.

My X was sneakier than yours-he only said nice things about me to other people, while being mean and nasty to me-so when I told the truth about him, I looked like the wicked witch.

Just keep being a lady. People will figure him out sooner than you think.

I never thought that guilt and self-dislike could be such a strong thing.

I was married for three years on the dot, the day my husband left me. He furiously took his most precious belongings, a television, clothing, and his computer. He moved out in only a few hours.

You see he cheated on me, after I had forgiven so many instances of physical and mental abuse. I thought things were well between us and I was looking forward to a good summer. My first free summer from college.

Needless to say, the stress from our divorce proceedings has caused me to lose weight, get sick and even lose my hair. And although I am usually considered a beautiful girl, I have come to feel like the most ugly, undesirable, unlovable person in the world.

That is my side of the coin.

His side is the guilt: He goes around flaunting his new lover. Not the one he cheated with, but the one he cheated on that one with! However, every few days or so, he writes or calls me to tell me that life is not even close to being as good as it was with me!!! He tells me that those others are just -fillers- and that they don't really care about him. He tells me that he can hardly function on a day-to-day basis because of the guilt he feels.

I just smile and look onward.

Through a lot of prayer and meditation, I have come to forgive him for all the things he did to me--many of which were far worse than cheating. I feel thankful that I was allowed to experience love and to experience motherhood in a somewhat cherished environement--if only for a little while!

I am still working on feeling better, but I don't think I'm doing too bad for my first few months.

My advice to this posting, is to concentrate on yourself. Think of yourself as the new pillar of the family, the example of strength and dignity, and the provider of hope (to your new family). Sometimes it takes taking the focus off of what "happened to me" and making it into "how am I going to focus my energies to overcome this obstacle." It sounds hard to believe, but it works along with God's answers to our prayers. Soon enough you will naturally feel stronger; stronger than ever before. And most importantly at peace with what is happening and with yourself!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well you know Annavon, I would just tell the kids your own dirt so they can hear it from you and your stbx can't manipulate you with it or hold it over your head or control you or LIE to your kids about you any longer... Think of it, if they got the truth--your truth about you--from you, then they would know.

Then when daddy says I will tell you if she doesn't, can you imagine the look on his face when they say we know already. Sure, he might try to twist it but I think if you let the kids hear your truth from you, they will feel like they can come to you for answers and not be waiting for their dad to spill the beans or whatever...

Wouldn't you want the kids to hear it from you rather than your H or whomever else he is lying to about you and twisting the truth? There must be some kind of way that you can tell them without mentioning their dad's contribution.

Maybe if you just tell them mommie messed up and daddy is not going to ever forgive mommie but God forgives mommie and so now mommie and daddy can't live together anymore. Would that be too much for them to handle? Would they keep asking you why, why, why? Well, then give them answers that they need cuz it seems like you would rather they get their answers from YOU rather than HIM or someone he lied to!!! Just beat him at his game...

<small>[ September 19, 2002, 06:51 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

BTDT.....I see your point, and would agree if my children were older....but I don't think that kids as young as mine will really understand that infidelity on either side had NOTHING to do with why I left him. When I left, I was literally fearful for my life; he had threatened to wait with a shotgun for me to come home. When they ask about why we moved, I just tell them to think a little about what dad was like....and pretty soon they are saying "oh yeah, he was always mad, he always yelled at you, we hid under the bed when he was mad because we were scared.........". I don't think they would even understand if he did tell them about me......and would probably say, "but dad, you have a girlfriend", because she stays with him even when the kids are there. I think that really weakens his position on my immorality, when his is ongoing and flagrant. I guess what upsets me is that he brings it up with the kids at all....and the fact that before I left him I once again tried to talk to him and work out our problems... I suggested a time of seperation and counseling and he replied "I'll never let you go, you'll always be mine...", a threat that really scares me.

Life's apprentice: thanks for the advice. I do need to remember to keep looking forward and think on all the positives instead of worrying about what might happen.

Annavon,
Do you have a Rainbows program near you. It's a peer support group for children of death or divorce. My kids love it, and I hope it will help them deal with everything.
Take the high road and don't say bad things about your X, they'll find out soon enough.

God Bless You.

My kids do Rainbows too - it's a real self-confidence builder.

Annavon just keep loving the kids like you do - and they'll feel the truth.

You could also teach the, not to believe everything they hear and to help them learn to make their own decisions - like you already are doing by pointing out what it was like when daddy was home.

You may even want to keep a record for youself of what he is doing for the future. And maybe even write some of what you are feeling down in case you ever in the far future would want to share it with your kids once they are adults - they may run into a similar problem themselves - ok lets not go there, but maybe they'll have a friend. Who knows.

This is really hard I know. They say it gets better after all the legal stuff is through. I'm waiting for that day myself. Hang in there! K

<small>[ September 24, 2002, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>