This is a second marriage for my husband and I.We are newly married as of approx 4 months. He has a daughter from the first who is now 11. Since moving in together 1year ago, his daughter has become an increasing challenge in our relationship. I attribute this in part to her age (she is just shy of 11 now). My husband attributes this to me. He feels that I am not very nice to his daughter because I am too hard on her (I occaionally ask her to participate in chores, or correct her when I do not feel that her behavior is respectful of her father (ie: talking back in typical"tween" fashion,smart mouthing, word games).<BR>My husband spends every waking minute with his daughter when she visits, this includes virtually standing outside of the door while she showers! I of course do not exhist when she visits and become the maid service (cooking breakfast & dinner even if I am working, cleaning, lawn mowing etc).<BR>He also claims that he can put us in a room together for 2 hours and we won't even talk -he's right on that one, his daughter has no outside activity other than school, no sports, no arts - nothing. There is not alot to talk about!<BR>I would like to relay this story - more out of venting but....<BR>Last evening we started to have a very pleasant night until she asked to go for a bike ride on her bike, unfortunatly she did not bring her bike to our home so my husband apparently "gave" her my bike!!!<BR>I did not appreciate this as I feel this is my personnal property and I was not asked if she could even borrow the bike (let alone "have" it), am I being selfish which is what my husband told me in front of his daughter??<BR>As the night went, I was trying to do some work at home and proceeded to show my husband one item which I needed an opinion on, well she grabbed it from his hands and declared that it was O.K. and that she could live with it! This child is 11 years old!!!<BR>Further on she said she was bored, so I suggested she do some work on a drawing in her room that she had started, which she was fine with, well I got the hate stare from my husband because he felt I was trying to get rid of her. He then proceeded to get himself some dessert (which I said she could not have as it was already 9:00pm, go up to her room (which we agreed that she should not have snacks in her room), and then sat and watched her colour until 9:45!<BR>I spent a total of 10 minutes with him that evening.<BR>This is typical of visits.<BR>I am at my wits end, we have discussed this endlessly which always leads to a huge fight because he feels I am picking on his daughter. I do bring things to his attention (I am guilty of that)such as trying to get her envolved in activities or classes so that she develops some outside interests, but apparently this is picking on her.<BR>His protection and babying of his daughter in my opinion are way overboard, he seems to feel he and his daughter got a "raw deal" when his ex-wife left him so he over compensates.<BR>He still seems to have a tremendous amount of bitterness in regards to the situation, which ended 6 years ago.<BR>I would love some outside opinions on this or to share similar situations. <BR>I am on a second marriage that is falling apart very quickly, I'm embarrassed to be in this situation, I just cannot talk to anyone about it. You would think you would have better judgement as you mature!<P>

Not an expert here, just don't let her pit dad against b-mom. You may want to go over to General Qusetion and ask others to read this post. More hang out there.<BR>Also, I think there is another forum more directed to children here.<BR>rrunrr<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.

Well I too am in my second marriage and I too have step kids that visit every other weekend and one night per week. I remember our first year together and that was the hardest. I also have two kids that live with us full-time so it was a lot of "blending". Understanding, love and patience is needed to make it work. Now, in my opinion you need to back off. I truly believe that most if not all of the decisions, rules etc..should be set by the bio parent. Decisions regarding my step kids are made by their father and their mother and I'm careful NOT to step on toes. You also have to remember that you have her daddy every single day, and she gets to VISIT her dad. Big deal. It's natural for her to build some resentment toward you. I can also see by your post that your so busy feeling resentment towards her that your letting it get in the way of getting to really know her and bond with her. I also know (from being a step myself), that it isn't instant love. It takes time. If your husband wants to fall all over his daughter during his time with her then let him. If he's doing the majority of the care there will come a time when she needs to be disciplined and he'll handle that too. Just don't make him choose because you won't like his choice. You didn't mention if you had kids or not but I'm assuming you don't. So, when she's visiting go off and do things yourself and leave them alone. AND, work harder at being a family when she's there-you'd be surprised how your attitude can make or break a second marriage.

Second marriage and step mom to three children. The first thing my husband and I did in comtemplating marriage was to understand and agree that our marriage comes before everything. Unpopular I am sure but biblical. God first then our marriage. Yes, even over biological or step children.<BR>Most people we know don't agree and that's fine, but it works for us, we are able to act as adults and not throw two more kids into a rough situation. Yes, thekids come over, but they come to OUR home. As much mine as his and obey OUR house rules. Break the rules and the owners of the house will correct you. There is no playing the bio parent off of the step parent -- we are on one accord as to how things are done in our hoouse. The children treat us and each other with respect and if they were to choose to not obey then they will not be able to spend time there and other arrangements would be made. It may sound harsh, but we do everything out of love and what has happened is our home has become 'the spot' every weekend. I am not the enemy. My own bio child who lives us understands that my husband is head of the household and as such does what needs to be done to manage the household. The words You're not my father or mother have never been uttered in our house. We both agree to maintain our relationship first and set parameters there and also deal with issues there. We have a strong foundatioon on top from which a lot of love trickles down to everyone in our home.

TrulyLoved......I am preparing to enter my second marriage. My soon-to-be husband has a daughter from his previous marriage - the bio. mom is less than cooperative (big understatement!). I only hope we can develop the kind of harmony you speak of with your husband. I have already developed a relationship with his daughter, but I'm afraid as she grows older (she's almost 3) that will change. Her mother harbors a lot of resentment towards our relationship and I'm afraid she will try to "poison" her daughters views as she matures.<P>My fiancee and I have discussed in-depth the role I will play in his daughter's life. So far, everything has been wonderful. I have no desire to "take over" as mom during her visits, but I want to develop a relationship with her so she feels completely comfortable in our home. As a stepdaughter myself, I know how awful it can be when the stepparent doesn't try to develop any kind of relationship - it is awful for everyone involved.

I'm in kind of the same situation as you, but I married a woman who has 2 children from a previous marriage who live with us. Her divorce was ugly, and the kid's dad is a major jerk. She tries to make up for his crappiness by being too protective and not disciplining them. When they ignore their mom or talk back to her, I "butt" in, and become the bad guy. It's a situation that can drive you nuts. I've been in that situation for 5 years, and it's only gotten worse. My wife and I have been separated for a couple of months because of problems we're having with the kids now. I didn't discover the principles of marriage builders until after our separation, and I see now some of the things I could've done differently. If the "joint agreement policy" isn't working between you and your H, you might try the "recreational companionship" principle with your step-daughter. Find out what she really might like to do, and make plans for you and her to do it together on one of her visits. You don't have to do this with her dad, in fact, it might be better if it was just the 2 of you. Do something to create a bond between the you and her, and maybe do something that can include things that can be a "secret" between you. Do some girl stuff that a Dad wouldn't normally do. If it doesn't work the first time, don't give up. <P>When a divorce is a bad one, it seems that it can create an unbreakable (and sometimes unhealthy) bond between a child and parent. It's difficult, if not impossible, to break this bond, but maybe creating a different kind of bond between you and your step-daughter may take some of the emphasis off of the one causing the tensions between all of you. As a visitation dad, I know that one of my main concerns when my daughter visits is that she enjoys her stay, even if it means letting her go do things with other people. Your taking her for the day may take away some of his pressure to keep her entertained. If I knew then what I know now, this is something that I would've tried. Let me know how it works for you. Good luck!

Happythoughts<P>I have found that once I had the complete support of my husband, I didn't have the fear of being rejected by his children. Our relationship seemed to grow even quicker because the children took my husands lead and accepted me for who I was and the position I held in the family/house. Everyone knows who their parents are but they also know that they have a special relationship with me and with each other. The time we all spend together is almost a priviledge to them, a reward for a great week. They can't wait to get over on Friday and don't want to leave on Monday. And even when someone had a bad week, or is misbehaving, this is 'home' and you get corrected and move on. Perhaps, we're just delaing with extraordinary children, and they are, but it's ALL about love. Loving them and each other FIRST and to the degree where we are willing to put aside everything else (pettiness and arguing with other mothers and stuff)so that we can have harmony. But it All started with me and my husband. If he had not been willing to put me and our relationship first we wouldnot have gotten here, and that is not an easy decision for people to meake.