This is a long story but this is the only way it could be understood. So please bare with me:

One of my H's personality is that he calls himself getting even when he feels that he is being hurt, and he does not want to listen to anyone. These personalities is what I want you readers to have in mind when reading this post. My husband and I have been married for over a year and a half. He is 33 and I am 29. We have no children together. But I discovered that in his previous marriage he did have children that I feel that he could care less about.

We met back in August 2000 and things were going so smooth. He treated me like a lady. BTW he taught at a high school as a music teacher.
I remember months and months ago, when we were going to get married. He has been getting touchy over the stupidest things in history. We have been falling out and everything. I felt that he found a letter that I have written to a friend and hid it from me. The reason why is because I wrote a letter to a friend and said that me and him have been getting emotional lately and he has been touchy over nothing.

I wrote that letter and set it on the table one day. Well two days later I was looking for the same letter so I can mail it off. He kept on jumping up, saying, "I didn't take it." The reason why I felt that he had that letter was because when I "misplace" something, usually he helps me look for it. But I had to step up and ask him to help me find that letter. He acted hesitant to even help me find that letter.

I have noticed the way he has been acting every since that letter disappeared. He would withdraw from me a lot and he was less affectionate. Every time I tried to be affectionate to him in bed, he would resent it. And come up with the excuse, "I'm tired." By the way, I wrote this letter way back in January. Well it was 3 weeks to a month after I was looking for that letter, I found it in one of his business binders, hidden behind a bunch of papers. It was usually a binder that he takes to work and he accidently left in my car. So I found the letter opened and everything -- obviously, he took his 15-20 "minutes of fame" and read it. And so I came up front with him about it. And he got very defensive and denied that he read it. So I explained to him, because I already know that he read my letter regardless how many times he denies it, that it was nothing mean I said about him. I told him that I was just stating in the letter that we have not been getting along too well lately. And that I still love him. The problem with his is that he is the type who cannot shrug things off. It is hard for him to forgive anyone, but yet he wants to be forgiven.
He stopped taking me nice places and made me feel bad.

He started acting ashamed of me in public. When he is getting mad at me in public (store), he would walk away from me as if I do not exist. If we do go out to eat he would act rude by reading a book while I am talking to him. There is no communication whatsoever.

As far as money goes, he acts like I do not have a say-so about money spending. And if I spend money for a neccessity I have to feel guilty about it.

So February passed and then came March. I had a problem with my transmission in my car and I called my husband at work and he suggested to have me take my car home and wait until he comes home. He told me that he will be home at 3:00 pm. He didn't even come home until 5:45 pm. He didn't call to notify me that he would be late. I was so concerned about him. I was wondering if he had gotten into an accident or something drastic had happened. So he calls at the last minute, telling me that he had a business meeting. When he came home, he told me a different story. He kept on changing reasons why he was late. I wanted to know details. And he refused to talk to me. He usually upfront and honest with me. He never hid things from me. So I told him that I was just curious. He snapped, "You are not curious. You just want to start a fight."

Then when the argument was over, I told him that I am not the one who like to start fights. He said, "I know that. I don't know why you keep on telling me that." He has been verbally and emotionally abusive lately. So when I bring it up he gets mad. So I was just asking him why didn't he notify me to tell me that he was going to be late -- knowing that I had a problem with my transmission. So he got sarcastic and said, "I guess this is a welcome home. Isn't it?" So I have been insecure that he has been secretly starting a new relationship with another woman simply because he thought I was bad-mouthing him behind his back, when I am not that way.

So the withdrawing continued. Every time I bring up the subject about betrayal, he gets very offensive or changes the subject and tells me that I am disrespectful when he knows that I am not. So we would quarrell about that a lot. Then April, May and June came and went. I still had insecure feelings about being betrayed. He has been very insensitive about how I feel anymore.

Our money has been coming short a lot. And he has been arguing over money. So there was a graduation ceremony that he told me months ago that I could attend this past year (May 2002)ceremony at his job, and he was welcomed to bring me without a problem. Then at the last minute, he suggested me that I did not come. He would not give me any reason why. If he tells me why, he would wait until 3 days why, which was just enough time to come up with a lie. So I brought up that letter that I written back in January and that I feel that he is calling himself 'fixing' me because he felt that I went behind his back. He has been excluding me from things. He got mad and still denies that he read that letter.

There is this pregnant female was some Sophomore at this school that he has been telling me about. He was one who But anyway, the female he has been talking to me about, I feel that he has been telling her some vicious things about me. I also feel that the moving expenses that we were supposed to have to move to Colorado (a pretty state)has been secretly spent on this female to her. I feel that he has been selling me out in front of this female when I am not around.

He has been coming home from work real late often. No affection from him at all. No acknowledging the sweet things I did for him or anything. I told him one day that I feel that someone is sharing this relationship. He has been very secretive. He has been acting like I did not exist when I did nice things for him. I wrote him a poem and he acted like he does not care how I feel any more as well as about me. I been feeling neglected too much from him. That pregnant female that he told me that he has been talking to for the past few months is the type who have kids out of wedlock and her boyfriend is in jail. Well one day, me and my husband had went to the store and we ended up running into her. She was giving me this foolish look like I was foolish. She acted like she had something against me. So I feel that he has been filling that woman up with lies about me to make it look like I was one who did him wrong. I didn't say much to her.

So my husband and I moved to the dumpy part of Illinois, simply because of all of the Colorado expenses were spent on that Tracy Gratts (that pregnant girl). I still have been bringing up that incident about him coming home late that day when something was wrong with my car. And he keeps on getting mad and asking me to forget the past. I told him if I had to get my own place I will do so if I have to get stabbed in the back. He claimed that I was threatning to "smash" the relationship. So he blows it way out of proportion.
Then he still covering up and telling me to give him a few minutes for him to tell me why he was acting like that that day. I felt that he needed that "few" minutes to make up a lie. The whole summer was nothing but disagreements and him hinting that he shouldn't have married me in the first place. And here it is September. So I brung up that letter I have written back in January for the last time and we argued about that, he still claims that he did not read that letter.

So I feel like I cannot trust him anymore than I used to. I feel BETRAYED. Can you tell me if you really think he has been betraying me or not?

I understand that my signature states "United we stand; divided we fall". Well I feel like a woman is dividing our relationship. Do you think that he calls himself getting me back because of that letter?

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United we stand; Divided we fall

<small>[ September 22, 2002, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: legit-writer ]</small>

Legit-writer

Your subject line is “WANT TO FILE A DIVORCE, BUT HOW CAN I IF I AM IN THIS SITUATION??”

I do not see anything in your post that would keep you from filing for divorce. What are the obstacles you see?

When did you find out that your husband had children from a previous marriage? Before you married him or after?

“He has been getting touchy over the stupidest things in history.”

What are the stupid historical things he gets touchy about?

Your husband found that letter and opened it. He probably should not have opened it. But at the same time there should be no privacy in marriage. There should be radical honesty. In my opinion it is disrespectful to write such things to others about your spouse. What goes on between you should stay between you and not be spread around to friends. If you have marital problems then see a counselor. Most friends are very good at giving up support by agreeing with everything we do/say. This will usually not help us have a healthier marriage. When you wrote this to your friend, were you just informing them of this turn of events and unloading, or is this friend someone you feel can counsel you on improving your marriage? I have one sister and one friend who I confide anything in because I know that they will tell it to me straight. I know that they will not hold my whining against my husband. Other than that I go to a counselor if I have a big problem.

But most of the time I speak to my husband and he and I deal with things directly.

” I wrote a letter to a friend and said that me and him have been getting emotional lately and he has been touchy over nothing. “

I can see why he is upset: “he has been touchy over nothing.” In that one phrase you have totally devalued his feelings and his point of view. You said that his feelings do not count. Why is it ok for you to put him down like this but not ok for him to tell people about what goes on in your marriage (well except the obvious that she’s a woman?) It does not feel good to have someone who is supposed to love you talk behind your back about you.

Your husband was wrong in taking the letter. Your husband is wrong for the denial.

You were really wrong in airing your marital problems in a letter instead of with your husband and a counselor who could give you proper guidance. You were wrong for discounting his feelings.

So you are both wrong and you are both right. That is usually the case in marital conflicts.

What you are doing is not working. It’s causing you more problems. In order to repair your marriage one of you is going to have a make some changes. Some one has to make the first step. Since you are here asking, I assume it is you.

If I were you, I’d tell my husband that I know he took the letter and read it. He does not need to admit to it because it’s so blatantly obvious and he is obviously embarrassed about doing it. If he starts to deny it, just gently tell him that it’s ok, he does not have to respond. He is also upset by the content of the letter and you can understand that. You were wrong in writing it to a friend instead of handling it with him. You were also wrong in discounting his feelings. And then apologize to him for having done this and ask his forgiveness. Then tell him that you forgive him for reading/taking the letter. Then just drop the entire thing. Do not ever again ask him if he lied about the letter, you know he did. Why torture him. You will have said your peace and apologized.

People usually lie when they do not feel safe. Your husband does not feel safe with you. From what you wrote, my bet is that you will get very angry at him when does finally admit to taking the letter…. Probably saying that he had no right. It sounds to me like our husband is not sure how you feel about him and what is going on with you. That he took the letter to get some insight into you. Once hurt and standing there with an open letter, what was he to do? I can recall this happening to me with my ex-H… I threw the letter away. That way he could never find it in my possession.

You have to let this letter thing go as you have bigger problems. Pick your battles a little more wisely. Your marriage is in trouble. In stead of trying to prove that your husband is vengeful, why not work on improving your marriage?

”The problem with his is that he is the type who cannot shrug things off. It is hard for him to forgive anyone, but yet he wants to be forgiven. “

Could it just be that you hurt his feelings and that he cannot speak of his emotions easily so he cannot bring this up to you?

It is not good that he hold money over you. Nor is it good that his feelings were hurt to instead of talking to you, he started acting hurt and not being so nice to you.

He stopped taking me nice places and made me feel bad.

He could very well be involved in at least an emotional affair.

My suggestion, after you apologize, is that you read the material on this web site. I would also suggest that you read Divorce Busting . Pay close attention to the ‘180’ concept.

This material will give you very good guidance as to what to do.

When he says that you are trying to start an argument, just say “No I’m not” .Then instead of standing there and getting into an argument with him, just walk away. Be cheerful and upbeat, but walk away. It is the last thing he would expect you to do.. so you will have his attention. That is a ‘180’ action. It is exactly the opposite of what you would do normally. So it will help to break the old behaviors.

When he walks in the door do not bring up anything you are upset about for at least an hours. Let him have time to unwind. Do not accuse him of infidlety when you have no concrete evidence. Does not mean you should not keep your eyes open and do some snooping. If he is in an affair he will probably deny it to the death right now. So just don’t get yourself any more upset about it until you have evidence.

good luck

Get rid of her name in your post sweetie....she can sue you for that.

Now.....he is lying, away from home a lot, talking about another woman a lot, etc etc. You do not like it. Have you told him so, and if so, what was his reaction?

Read all you can here about Plan A and B and emotional needs, love busters and the love bank. Because they may help you if you want to save your marriage.

If you truly want a divorce, leave and do it. Simple.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nina too:
<strong>Get rid of her name in your post sweetie....she can sue you for that.

Now.....he is lying, away from home a lot, talking about another woman a lot, etc etc. You do not like it. Have you told him so, and if so, what was his reaction?

Read all you can here about Plan A and B and emotional needs, love busters and the love bank. Because they may help you if you want to save your marriage.

If you truly want a divorce, leave and do it. Simple.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I talked to him about it this morning and he gets very defensive. The reason why I cannot go anywhere because he moved me to some dumpy part of Illinois and it is not safe around here.

I'm curious.

What do you mean that you cannot go anywhere because he moved you to a dumpy part of Detroit? Do you mean that you cannot leave you home/apartment at all? Do you have a job outside of the home?

Now I understand what you subject line means. Thanks for the clarification.

I'm curious. What do you mean that you cannot go anywhere because he moved you to a dumpy part of Detroit? Do you mean that you cannot leave you home/apartment at all? Do you have a job outside of the home?

If you have nowhere safe to go, you can call a woman's shelter and ask for help. It does not should like he is being violent. But withholding money and not treating you with gross disrespect is a form of abuse... emotional abuse.

The shelter could find you a temporary place to live in a safe environment, help you find work, and help you become independent.

If you want to stay with him and make your marriage work, then read the material on this web site it will help you know what to do. The apology I talked about will be part of it. It would be part of it.

But if you want a divorce, then get independent first. File once you are coming from a place of strength. This web site might help Tao of Divorce .