Well, I don't know whether it is good advice, because even though I have only recently been separated, less than two months moved out, I have been dealing with her infidelity and my feelings about it for over 9 months, so I feel like I am much further than my present situation would suggest. I think that what put me into the angry stage was when she began using my children against me. That went far beyond anything that could have been even minutely acceptable, and at that time I realized that even if everything else was forgiven, I could never trust a person who would use her children like that to get something that I was freely giving.
You are absolutely right, you need to divorce him from your life, not just from a piece of paper. DO NOT LET HIM COME OVER AT ALL !!!! There is no reason for him to be in your house, If you have children to exchange, do it at the front door. Let him in the front door and stand between him and the rest of the house, effectively creating a baracade. Don't allow yourself to be used like this. He is lost, and the simple fact that he has no more respect for you and your life than to continue to use you in this way is NOT his way of staying close to you. It is his way of quelling his fears of being alone. He still feels that he "has you" in a fashion because you allow him to have you. Tell him quietly and calmly that you no longer want him to come over. Don't say it in a fit of anger or during and arguement, then it will look like a reaction to the situation, not a well thought out plan. Tell him that you can exchange children at the front door, or you can meet at a jointly agreed upon place, i.e. McDonalds, but don't let him use you.
My wife still tries to use me. She wants more money, but I think I have fulfilled my obligations now. I paid any bills that I remotely was involved in and more. She wanted me to fix her garage door that she broke with my son's bike, still not sure how that all happened. I looked at it, but realized that although I probably could figure it out if I took a while, it was no longer my responsiblity. She wants my ability to do things for her without her responsibility to me. I refuse that sort of arrangement. If she had been honest with me and not left for another once again, I would have been a GREAT ex-husband. But the fact that she treated me so poorly by lying and then hurting me with my children, pushed me into and right on through The ANGER stage at record speed.
Another thing that I think has helped me to progress through this whole thing is probably opposite of what most EVERYONE else will tell you to do. But I believe that by being totally alone and therefore thinking about all the things a TON, I have found my own reasons and thoughts about my marriage and our lives together. I think that by spending TOO much time with others, you kind of dilute your recovery in a way. I am not sure, but my theory is that we will all have to progress through essentially the same amount and sort of stuff in generally the same manner. If we put it under parties and too many nights out, we may be in essence prolonging our recovery because instead of dealing with the crap, we are covering it with a fascade. I understand that sometimes, we need a break, Lord knows that I do. I almost got dressed up and went out late last night just because. But I also believe that depending upon your "toughness" so to speak, you may just need to make him 'mad at you' so that you can get him out of your life.
At this point there is nothing else for you except pain. I try to limit seeing my wife as much as possible, not because I am trying to be mean or not talk, but because I have little that I desire to say, and so often, all I get in any interaction with her is attacks. She acts as though I AM THE ONE THAT RAN OFF AND REPEATEDLY CHEATED.
So my possibly good advice is to tell him NO MORE!!! Limit your interactions with him, a kind of Plan B but for yourself, not to "show him". That has helped me tremendously, and I am not continually bombarded with the crap. I don't know what she thinks I am up to, and realistically I don't care. I have said that twice to her face since we separated. And even though I thought it many times during our marriage, I always took her into account and made things right. No longer. She accused me of "buying" my children's affection because I relaxed a rule about laying down in the car. Yes, it was the worst thing that she could have taken from the situation, which is her trademark reaction to anything I do. Well, in reality, I have been changing incredibly over the last 9 months, and I realized that maybe laying down in the backseat without the seatbelt in optimal position was OK every once in a while, and I relaxed my rule, trying to be a better and more malleable daddy. Well, she felt as though I was buying my boys off. Haha, I just looked at her with awe. Even this sort of thing she can turn into a bad thing that I am doing. I looked at her and for the first time said, "You, know what you are wrong." I quickly explained and instead of argueing with her I said "I don't care what you think, I know the truth and what I was trying to do and that is all that matters to me." I would normally have tried to convince her of my innocence, and she would have sat there with a smirk of disbelief on her face nodding her head, all the while obviously showing me she didn't believe anything I was saying. No longer, she is not worth the effort any longer. If she wants to continue to think the worst of me then she is free to do so, she is no longer of consequence to my life outside of my children. and if she tries to make me look bad by my children, they will eventually see just what kind of consistently even and good daddy they have and what sort of exaggeratedly unreliable mother they have. They will ask the question one day, and if I think they are old enough, I may just tell them, but until then, I will just be a great dad both for them, and for me.
You do the same for you. Take care of you, NOT HIM!!!
PS... The reason why I didn't allow my boys to lay in the car was because I am a doctor and have seen so many car accident victims with seatbelts out of position that I am just afraid of these sorts of things. Being and ER doc for a while really opens your eyes to just how scary life really is. It is a wonder that I don't make my boys wear a suit of armor to check the mail... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
