Don't know what to call it except morning dread or morning fear. Didn't hear from Austin all weekend. I think I know what is up now based upon prior situations. Usually when not seeing son for some time, he will call. He did not. Monkeyho must be with him. Or someone else. If I indeed find out that he traded his weekend and his time with our precious son for another fling.

It unconsciously weighed on my mind entire weekend that I got a migraine yesterday and still have it. Even gave me a somewhat cold sore like thing on corner of my mouth.

I am so sick and tired of this stress. Swear it would be easier if I were a widow. I am attempting to do the emotional divorce.

First last week after he leaves, I get the letter from auto co. saying he owed 3,300 and is late thus further ruining my credit.

How do you deal with anger and betrayal? I am really getting mad now. It kept me up since about 5 this morning. My headache woke me up and then the thoughts flowed and flowed. How can someone who so blatantly lied to his life partner be so glib and so non chalant about his actions? How can his OW be so destructive and still be in denial? I know it is the fog, but even if the fog sets in on me and I bail out forever on him one day, I will still have a sense of right and wrong. How can someone lie so very well to another? How can they just push off every bill and such on you that you can barely get by? How do you make it when there is nothing to tuck away for that proverbial hard time? I am so scared sometimes that I don't even go get little things I need. Last month there was 100$ between me and nothing. He left me to start over with no nest egg whatsoever for son and I and also no credit on cards. He threw us out of our home during the holiday season and then forced me to live on whatever credit was left. It was scraping to get by. And to then think that he treated his son this way is imaginable. His parents, my IL's know all about this.

And then there was the abuse both emotional and on occasion when a D day would come around. Towards the end, when I'd find or discover a trace of Ms. Monkeyho, he would go ballistic and a few times got physical with me. I am ready to just start living again.

So why can't God just break through this horrible coat of denial and lies that he is wearing like a suit of armor? My God, I think all I want is an "I'm sorry for doing this to you both". Never came. Nothing. treated me like, well worse than a dog for what? I still do not know. It is almost like a devil entered his soul about two years ago. Some days I wake up and think that I will give him a quickie divorce and get this thing over and done, but know that he is hiding money and assets that will help my son as well as me live, just live on.

I wake up and see another day before me. I am really tired now. So tired that I am just in awe. Scraping by isn't my idea of a life. I guess sometimes my faith isn't as strong as I'd like it to be. In fact, it is waning. Day in day out, I trudge on. I wake up with my son in forefront of my mind and when he is visiting Austin, sometimes I see nothing for me at all.

Damn him for doing this to me. Damn him for doing this to our son. Robbing our son of his formative years and security. Our son is 4 and has moved three times since his birth. He gets frightened if mommy even mentions looking at houses, etc. I am sick of this. Sick of how our son even hates to mention when he has seen OW and how it embarasses him and makes him feel like he's done something wrong. Son knows his dad has done something really bad. Think this all came to a head yesterday when my son told me while at a museum that "I am glad we live in our treehouse (what son calls our new home) b/c you don't get pushed down anymore". He remembered seeing Austin's last stunt. I had forgotten he saw it.

I do not want Austin back at all this way. God can be only one to change this guy. Think my plan A is wearing down to an end. I am sick and tired of putting my life on hold, fourteen months and counting since separation and almost two years since D day with Ms. Monekyho.

How do I just reach out and grab life part two? I am going to call my attorney. I pay her what little I can each month to get on with this but know that I am not paying enough and in the end, the whole bill will be footed by Austin b/c t his is a fault state and he is at fault. He already had to pay a good bit of it during the temporary settlement. I am sick of getting by. I am sick of it all now.

Inspiration please and insight on how to go about just ridding myself of this daily fear that grips me as dawn comes around. I think to myself it's another day to work hard, come home and work harder with no one to lighten my load except a smile from my son. I have no relatives here and Austin has assured me that if I want a legal bloodbath, then I will just try to move back home again. I don't even know where home is anymore. Only a few relatives live there now. Where do I belong? Where does my son and I belong?

I know my happiness depends upon what I now do to get happy but I am just so tired some days. Like I could just stay in bed and stay and stay. I can't get enough sleep and feel tired all the time. This stinks.

Pray for us. I am getting ready to go to work now. Pray son and I have a good day ok?

Hey mylady,

Hang in there. You know this is one of those hard days that we all hate. You said that to me once when I was feeling similarly. I don't know what to say about hope for you and your family. I guess hold on to that hope, but maybe you should just start taking the steps to end this. I wish that I had the inside track on knowledge, because I would gladly share all that I had with you.

All I can say is that I have been praying alot about "Not thinking about things so much." and God tends to answer that prayer quite readily. When I am having a hard time ruminating over and over on these things, I pray that he will help me to think of other things, and I swear he has been there everytime for me.

We are destructive to ourselves. That is what I hear from you. Don't call the OW MonkeyHo. I know that she is, but that brings up horribly hateful feelings in you that you then have to deal with. She is not worth the hatred and anger that she causes in you. Also, don't call your husband Austin, even though I understand the reason. You need to look after yourself and your boy, that is what you need. These days of anger are only perpetuated by the hatred that I hear in your posts. I know that we all do the same, but I think that it is only to our detriment.

I am not saying forgive, because even I am not at that point. But what I am saying is show yourself some respect and try, try your best realizing that it will be incredibly hard, to show yourself respect. I don't know how to continue trying to love your husband in this situation. I am not in that situation. My love has ebbed to the point that it is no longer of any real issue in my daily life.

You mentioned that the fog could settle in on us and that you may just get on with the divorce. I don't know whether I agree with you on this, but I have not really thought about it in quite this way. I feel more that maybe the fog of eternal hope may be damaging you at this time. I hate to say give up. I am not saying this and maybe that is where we differ, or maybe I am in the middle of a fogbank to beat all.

I still feel. I still desire. I still need. But all these things are for someone worthy of me and my children. I simply do not see that in my wife. It sounds like your husband has you around his finger and maybe it is time that you break that finger. I don't know. I am not advocating divorce by any means. Believe me, but I am also not advocating continually damaging yourself in the hope of reconciliation. Maybe what he needs it to see that you can make it on your own and that he is not the end all of your world.

I wish I could guarantee that all this was true and that this is what you should do. But obviously that would be ludicrous. I can only tell you that I am here. I didn't get your email address or at least I can't find it.

Hang tough, but don't hang in one place. Move on with your life. Even if it is not divorce, just take the step that you will not allow him and his OW to cause you to demean yourself into anger and name calling. Who knows, maybe that will be the step you need to start to continue to move forward. Simple and yet those words represent so much hatred for you that it may be a comfortable place for you. You know where you stand by saying those things. You are right and they are wrong. That is true, without a doubt, but don't stop there.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> DO GOOD WORK, NEVER LEAVE YOUR FATE UP TO LUCK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

The desire to give up here, is all too familiar to me, and I feel your pain and hopelessness, and I am truely sorry to hear the terrible tragedy you have endured for so long, but as I have been told to do myself, You have to keep working on you and be there, which you are, for your son, as he is the most important person to protect here.
I know this is all easier said, than done, but know, there are alot of people in here, who care for you, and lift you and the problems you face, up in prayer, please stay strong in your faith, and keep growing, in His name.....b
"Do not pray for easy lives.
Pray to be stronger (men/women).
Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks! Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be the miracle"
Phillips Brooks

F.C.--thanks doc. I needed it. But when I call him Austin and her m.h. it is out of trying to find humor in the whole soap opera of it all. I spoke with a girlfriend buddy of mine today from MB and am going to email her pics of my son and I. She is great. We both nicknamed OW and men because it helped lighten things up and believe it or not, I don't hate either of them. As Dr. Phil would say, it is allowing them to take my power away. My revenge has come in form of really, nothing. I just attempt to live well and do the best for myself as I can.

Guess I just hate the sin and never the sinner. If I truly hated them, I would never have the hope to free myself from this situation emotionally and I know if my singleness and freedom is indeed part of God's will for my life then I will not hinder it by bringing hate or pain back into my life purposefully. If I hate, sin wins out in the end. I get eaten alive from inside out. Son and I will win over this sin. Am sure of that. I may worry over my immediate future and happiness and financial situation but know that I will continue to live morally and claim God's blessings upon my son and I. I just have to ve nt here and purge my soul sometimes.
And I know how you feel. I am about done with the emotions myself. I love the memory and not the man anymore. Received wierd and nice email from him today. He seemed too happy. M.H. must have returned or something along that order. I am rejeuvenated by just going to work. Eating some homemade salsa (I make great salsa) and fat free chips and getting ready to go to gym w/son in a bit after rush hour traffic dies down.

It feels so very strange to receive a
"hi hope you're having a wonderful day" from someone you are divorcing. Like I said, really wierd. I don't understand him and can't b/c he is still in fog. He is in the funky denial fog now. Just known him long enough to say that if he's really happy then something must be up. After all if they are having their en's and other needs being met, then something is definitely up. But I am not going to focus on a wierd email. Just am thanking God that I am a good mom and able to love and feel without reservation, without guilt. That feels pretty good.

Sounds like both our WS's are living the funky fog existence. F.C., it sounds as though both of our LB's are getting ready to run out and then we should be doing better. We exhaust the LB and supposedly our emotions are supposed to run out for WS soon enough.

One day some guy is going to get an attractive, intelligent, morally sound woman who has a really cute son and as sweet as well as cute and the woman can also keep a good home, cook good and make some mean salsa when needed.

blovesg2: Thank you so much. You are so kind. Just knowing that you guys are praying for us is so awesome. I am doing better.

It is so wierd. I can go and work on patients and come away revived. Why is it when I keep giving and giving that my soul comes back to life? I am so thankful to God for this ability.

Am just going to get through another day but try to see the hope. Have done my end of month finances and I may get to keep a few benjamins this month after all. Gotta start re lining the proverbial nest egg again.

Getting ready to go to the gym in a bit. Son loves it and I like to release the pent up stuff inside.

Prayers for Austin (can't use his real name) because I am worried that I will soon let go forever. Once I am gone, will be checking out permanently. I don't want to give up on God or His healing but just don't know what His will is for son and I anymore except for day to day living.

Austin wants visitation with son tomorrow night after being absent on his visitation weekend. He will get him this weekend though. If I have to communicate w/him I will use my new fogging the fogger technique which has allowed a small level of communication success..Because they are in the fog, they can understand it when we fog them back.

Back from gym and son is asleep. Did good w/diet today. Ate some tuna for dinner and a romaine salad w/balsamic vinaigrette. Was actually good. Worked out about 40 min of cardio.

Ok. Get this. Got a wierd email from Austin tonight. It had this strangely happy face on it and it declared for me to have a wonderful day. Something is definitely up. He wants to see son tomorrow night albeit he skipped out on his visitation this past weekend b/c he was out shagggin around the west coast. So being the good and fair person I am, I will allow it this time. If he keeps being that way, I will say that was your time and you blew it. Sorry.

But I will be nice. I haven't returned the email. He sent me some sort of download that he said reminded him of me but I was unable to download it. Wierd. It just isn't like El Foggo to be this way unless life is really good and especially foggy. My theory is this, if it is all good, then he is nowhere nearing "the fall" where he realizes he screwed up royally. He is still in the funky fog and is really doing that shaggarific dance good.

I now say let the fog come down. Let it get funkier and funkier b/c I am only going to do my own thing but always keep a prayer in my heart. I will do my best to not look back anymore. It is too hard. I just hope one day that if he does indeed quit with that dance and boogie out of that fog, he will do it before it is too late. It is nearing that point.

I am exhausting all my LB soon. When that is done, I will probably be over this. It all started in Dec. of 99 and this has been a long three years since his first PA which lasted 2 months to his newest PA and EA which would have made two years in November. I did my best. I really did. It is so obvious now that it wasn't me. It was him. He isn't able to be faithful to anyone, mistresses included. And why was I? Sometimes I wonder. I know it is because of my faith and because I wasn't raised to think D is an easy option.

I am getting ready for a bubble bath. Received a call from my friend who is a fellow doc and he just chatted w/me on way home from gym to wish me a good night. He is so sweet. But I am just without a soul except for family and friends. So he knows he will only be my friend. He's cool w/that but I kinda think now he wants more than that. But my heart is just sucked outta me. Orchid, my bud here, told me today that only I can tell when that magic moving on day will arrive. That I will know when it happens. She got really close to the edge, but thank God, her H came outta the fog. Imagine that, one really exited the funky fog. It is my prayer that our WS's do exit that funky fog one day. If not for our M's for our children, for their souls.

I am unusually at peace tonight to have started this monday with that dread again. Sometimes it just grips me. Pins me down and holds me against my will. My will now is to just live and live well with my son. To find the love and beauty again in life, that is life. To see the blessings God has given us each day and not be so sucked in by this D mess. It is wierd. Each day is like I've said earlier, a bungee jump on faith. Once again, God has helped me spring back up. Tomorrow will be another jump and I will do it, with dread or without dread I will do it. My son deserves me at or as close to 100% as I can be. If I don't live in today then I am cheating my son. We must think of that. If we spend too much time dwelling on THEIR cheating, THEIR LIES, THEIR betrayals of us, then we are TODAY CHEATING THOSE WE LOVE OUT OF OUR BEST OF TODAY AND TOMORROW.

I don't want to give this foggy man or this foggy woman (women) any more power. I want to take my power back. I want to live today, pray today, smile today. And do it again tomorrow.

Thank you friends for your prayers and love. It is almost tangible sometimes, especially when you are doubting yourself and everything you came to know as your life, past tense, and when you are

Peachy -

It must be something to do with the earth's gravitational pull..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> but it's you and Nina and Maw - Formerly Confused seems to be the only one on an up right now, but I'm really glad that you posted all those raw feelings because I'm in one of those moods too.

I'm just sick of all the garbage all of the fall out and all of the mess that ExH has put everyone and continues to put everyone through.

People say detact, go one with your life and don't worry about ExH, but it's so hard when you are the one living everyday with the reality of the situation and the reality of the pain.

I wish ExH would just go away, but with 4 kids between us it just ain't gonna happen. So everyday I have to put myself through dealing with this creep of a man.

Yes, he's on his own journey and he's going to find God in his own way on his own time, but it just hurts knowing that he's having this seemingly great life while the kids and I continue to suffer.

Now, not one to wallow in suffering, and things always seem worse late at night, I have to give credit to God for getting me through to this point and giving me the strength that I need to go on, but I'm just tired of all of this emotional upheaveal(sp?) I know things will still be very emotional and day by day until all the childre custody, spousal support and property settlement is final, but I jsut thought that things would have been further along by now, and I just keep needing God more and more to get by.

There are so many women - like yourself who have made it through seemingly worse situations that I have and I just pray that God will give me what I need when I need it no matter what comes. And deep down I know that He will.

I also know that God will work wonders in our lives because we are the ones following His will, but sometimes we just need to vent some, although there still are no answers to our quesitons except that these men are in the fog and can't find their way out.

It's time to take care of ourselves and move on without them, but it's easy to say and hard to do.

I guess I need to keep praying for that peace and joy.... and for the strength to endure life.

Sending some prayers your way too, and I have to believe that God has an extra special place in His heart for our kids and will always be there in their walk with Him.

K