<BR>I'm sorry I don't have your whole history straight (is there a thread I should go to) and sorry if I spelled your name wrong...(too many constants to keep straight.)<BR>You sound remorseful of your past behavior-----and sound like you want to act differently.<BR>Can you (I'm sorry I don't know if you had changed during the relationship) meet the EN now and still feel like you are in control of yourself. (or were you able to for a time before she left?)<BR>this is why I'm asking----my H and I don't talk about the relationship anymore----but when we did he said that he didn't want to CHANGE. That he still had to be himself. I said that he COULD still be himself, but there were some behaviors he needed to change for me. (besides thinking I was selfish, he also thought he could never do that and still be HIM). I could never make him see the point that I was just looking for some consideration...etc....Although our relationship is bearable now (and he watches what he says now) My EN are still not met, but I don't look for him to do it anymore..<BR>yadda, yadda yadda.<BR>Just really want to know if you thought you could *be* the way she had wanted and still be yourself.<BR>Thanks<BR>

Yes.<P>The selfishness went both ways. My actions were often a reaction. I found it difficult to discuss issues because the discussion went to arguement. (Also, I often brought it up at the worst time to discuss it.) So, to avoid the arguement over an issue, I controlled when I would be present. <P>Remorseful...yeah, want to act differently? Already do. I have such a tremendous "ball" of energy in my chest ready to explode into EN-meeting action that I'm afraid that I will be smothering. Pray that she is given the choices that shows her she can give a second chance.<P>All this has been aired out but she refused to accept that I could (and have) change. I will admit that I might not have been so quick to change if she had remained in the home. (I think it could have been a crutch for me.) The main point is that I wanted desperately to change, but I was unable to actually voice that to her, again, because of our egos. But I desperately wanted to let her know. I DID tell her that I really wanted to work on the relationship, but did not have the insight, or tools, that I have since found here. <P>Now I have all this positive attitude about myself (I shed about 50 lbs.) and no one to share it with. <P>I admire that you are discussing, or have discussed. The communication (or fear of it) has been accepted by my W. I do not know whether or not I shall hear her say it to me. Or if she had accepted the effects of her attitude toward the issues. (I was told by a friend visiting th US recently that she acknowledged the communication problem. He visits once or twice a year. He was a part of Plan A, to let someone other than me crow about this new me.)<P>I could rattle on and on...<P>Anything else?<P>rrunrr<P>I am going to plug a book I recently posted about, again. Published by Augsburg-Fortress called "Trust" by Ira Tanner. I just e-mailed the publisher for the name of a bookstore in this area that may sell it. A co-worker would like a copy. It may be a book for you both to read. Not too big but packs ALOT in the pages. <P><BR>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.<p>[This message has been edited by rrunrr (edited September 10, 2000).]

thanks for the reply rrunrr--<BR>I feel better knowing that you felt you needed to change and are still happy with yourself. I m sorry that she is not accepting and acknowleging that. <BR>And yes, there is a fine line between adoring and smothering. That's an awful hard balance sometimes. I'm glad you have that energy tho, <BR>also remember that you need to be consistent. One of my biggest LB (that my husband did) was very cutting remarks. Although he bites his tongue now, he does slip and says something incredibly hurtful. And unfortunatly I don't REALLY know how many time he bit his tongue, so of course that one bad remark makes an impact---but in his mind he's thinkning that he didn't say what he wanted to 20 other times so I should overlook that comment (which also could be possible if those other 20 times he subsituted something nice for a bad remark. I emphasized that although the frequency is down, thoses cutting remarks are usually the only feedback I get from him. And that positive comments are welcomed.<BR>I would recommend that if she will have a heart to heart talk with you to state your case, maybe even unemotionally so she isn't smothered. Best wishes to you.<BR>Congratulations on the 50 pounds. That couldn't have been easy---I'm trying also.

Well, I can't say that I understand the cutting remarks. The silent treatment is as distructive as nonreasonable arguements, this we discovered as well.<P>Like I said, I didn't try to talk because it would evoke a heated discussion. She was unreasonable about one particular issue and I think after the EA began she may have felt guilt around it because her attitude changed slightly.<BR> Until all this happened, I would have difficulty making such remarks to my W, but until I had the MB site info, I was able to put her in the bad light. I know better now and I would not allow my BILs to without letting them know how I was responsible in this.<P>rrunrr<P>ps. Tomarrow I get to demonstrate this new me to a business associate of my wife. I hope she can sell me.