13 year old son wrote dad a letter how he feels about dad & OW they are engaged. Dad couldnt send school money or pay doctor bills that was court ordered but could buy her a diamond ring. OW has her house up for sell & going around town saying X is buying her a very nice house. We always bought fixer-uppers. Son doesnt want to see his dad anymore. hurt has turned to angry & now hate. I didnt want this to happen, maybe in a few years he will forgive his dad. Son doesnt want to call him dad anymore, just Ray or Raymond. sister-in-law said she wrote the same letter when her mom left her when she was 11 she had to care for 4 younger brothers. She still remembers her dad crying. She said the letter will help him heal. She still does not want contact with her mom after 30 yrs. Called X to ask about school & payments. X says I wrote the letter & his son wants to see him. our son has told his dad on the phone that he doesnt want to see him anymore. But X still says son didnt say it. X told me 4 times while talking to him that I wanted him back & thats why Im mad? I said NO, I dont want him back, that statement made me sick to even think about him living here again. Our son said Dad cannot be trusted & will never live with us again. The love is gone, he is nothing but a stranger to me. I cant remember what it was like to have him around or anything about our marriage over the years. I only remember the pain he cause me & my son. our son must be going through the same feelings. We dont know this man. Before x left home our son told him Dad if you leave us for this woman I will hate you. I dont understand how this man cant get it through his head what other people are trying to tell him. The hurt & pain, are we the only ones that have feelings? does the wayward spouse feel anything about what they did to their family? Ive heard about the Fog but thought they were only talking about the A. Does it include not thinking about the children or the spouse not wanting them anymore. What does it take to make them understand WE DONT WANT YOU ANYMORE. was hoping to have our son talk with a dr. about the angry he has for dad but X wont pay the bill, he was court ordered to pay all medical and co-payment. D was nasty, X was a policeman, OW tried to use the police dept to have warrents on me. this cost Chief of police & x job. They were pressured out. Everything X promised his son before he left was a lie. Our son has been through hell with his dad. Now X is nothing but a deadbeat dad. Caring only about OW and her needs.

m-17yrs 9 months 12 days
w-48 h-42
C-29, 13, 7grd
d-3-18-02

MOW-30
d-7-2002
m-10yrs
c-3 under 10

what a difficult situation to be in. I am so sorry for your pain. It is heartbreaking to see a child suffering like that.

I think at this time the most important thing to focus on is getting your X to meet his financial obligations which are court ordered. It seems like he shouldn't be able to get away with this, while squandering money on other purchases. Investigate your legal options NOW! Can you garnish his wages? Also perhaps the court can order that he pay for counseling for your son. It really is a medical issue in terms of preventing depression in your son who is entering the very sensitive teenage years.

I stumbled across the web site in another MB post and I think it's great! It's based on the Tao and it's about how women can win the battle in divorce. Maybe it would have some strategies for you to consider.

http://www1.shore.net/~tao/

espoir,

Good website - thanks for sharing it!
D.

Sorry to hear this about you and your son.
Divorce is hard on kids.
Sounds aleast like your ex lost his job over some of this(there is justice!)
After my divorce, my ex wouldn't always show up and didn't even call. Kids sat looking out window and waiting for him. Rather than bash the ex, I told the kids that when people get divorced, they go through alot of changes and are at times very, very selfish. I told them that even though I was there physically, sometimes I was upset by the whole mess and that I wasn't as good a mom during that time.
Help them to understand that he is their father and to respect him for that and that divorce isn't God's plan, but it happens in 59% of marriages now days. Assure him that you love him and that this pain will pass in time.
I never wanted my children to show disrespect for their father because "it wasn't good for them as people" And if you hate your parent, its easy to hate yourself. They could awknowledge the wrong that he did, but he was their father. I tried not to discuss the divorce unless they wanted to or put down my ex just out of anger. Your son will always be a part of your ex.
Just try to help him adjust and accept the divorce and in time he will prabably wish to see him again as especially boys need a father. My ex didn't speak to his father after he left them for OW. His mother only helped him to stay angry, not to forgive and heal. He turned to alcohol, never learned to forgive and still drinks. Anger only hurt him, not his dad.