This is my second post ever. Here is some background. My wife and I have been married for 29 years. We have four boys 25,25,22 and 17. We both dated for 4 years while going to college and both graduated. We married soon after college. I am 54 my wife 51. During our marriage the usual events happened. Both of us worked, we had children, she quit work to raise the children, the childrens activities dominated our life, once the children were in school she worked part time during school hours, now that the children are older she went back to working full time (two years ago). During the marriage I was controling of most situations and became verbally abusive. I did this because I felt this was the only way to have any order in our hectic life. During this time I neglected meeting her emotional needs. At the time I didn't realize it and I thought this was the way all families lived; the father in charge taking care of every situation that arose. I forgot to take into account her feelings on these situations. I thought everything was going just swell. She never really complained, she never directly expressed her wants or hurts, she kept on going along with the program until two years ago. Out of the blue to me she handed me divorce papers, irreconcilable differences. I was shocked. I totally broke down. I never slept that night. The next day we had a 24 hour talk. It was the first time in the last 27 years she had directly told me her true feelings and her needs. It was the first time in 27 years that we had talked like this. She moved out, to a female friend, for 5 days to collect her thoughts on how to proceed. There never was and is no affair. During this time I read volumes of books and hundreds of web pages on relationships, marriage, divorce, etc. to understand what I had done and how she felt. The "Marriage Builders" made the most sense to me. When she came back we agreed that we would work things out.
Now to the problem. Since that day I have gone to abuse and anger management councelling. She agrees that there has been no controlling behavior, no abuse and I have met all her needs as she defined for me during that 24 hour talk. I have given 100% to be affectionate, romantic, interested in her life, conversant, honest and open, and domestically supportive. She acknowledges this and says it is a wonderful change. She is happier but she says she doesn't know if she is as happy as she feels she should be. She is going to councelling for this; but, I have a different feeling. I feel that she is just looking for approval to leave thinking that it is greener on the other side of the fence. She is a person who can see only one side of a situation and is blind to the downside. With this job the last two years she works with some divorced women. She sees their independence with no responsibilities. Do what ever they want, on the spur of the moment, to hell with anyone else. She is going through homornal change and is very moody. She is going through empty nest syndrome with the boys going on their own. She realizes she is getting older. It seems like she doesn't want to deal with any of this. I think she thinks it is easiest to bail and that would make her the happiest. But, she wants to do this on her own terms. I think she wants me to fully financially support her new life style in her familiar surroundings of our home. Since I have had these feelings I have been trying, without being controlling, to get her to read "Her Needs, His Needs". She is always too busy and I feel that she feels that it might talk her out of leaving; since she sees how it has changed me. I feel that she has regrets that she didn't leave two years ago and now finds it harder and harder to do because I now have not given her an excuse to do so; that's what I think she is using the counceling for. She doesn't want to let go and allow my love for her. Outwardly she sees other divorced women and thinks they are joyously happy and that is what she thinks she wants. If she would leave I don't think I could ever try again even if she would realizes the fallicy of her greener grass approach. I need a last minute plan to help turn the corner on saving our marriage without being controlling!

I'd try Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis and do more Plan A.

You cannot force your W to do anything and the more clingy you are the further she will try to run. I know it's hard to back off - but she needs to see sustained results and you have to spend TIME together - read up on Plan A.

She will never get those warm fuzzy feelings back unless you are meeting her top 5 emotional needs and are spending at least 15 hours a week together - and when marriages are in trouble - it should be 30.

Sometimes the Harleys recommend a trip away together to jump start the relationship.

I'd also recommend you both counsel with MB and get a plan for recovery together. They are great coaches and may be what your wife needs to help her feel more comfortable with what she is going through.

If your wife has done the EN questionarie then you know what to do. It will take time but the feelings will return if you are Plan Aing, and not LBing.

Good luck. K

Thanks K.
I'll read "Divorce Remedy". Do more Plan "A"?; it seems that is all I do! I am 100% commited to make her happy. How do I see we spend more time together and not seem more clingy? Since two years ago we spend at least 15 hours a week together; going out to movies/eat, at our boys' activities, quietly at home watching TV/movie, talking about the day, working on the house, etc; where we hadn't done this since college. I've suggested other activities; but, if we don't mutually agree I drop the subject and look for alternates. I've suggested trips that she has previously mentioned; but she says, she has limited vacation (She has had this job for only 2 years), other of her own activities she needs to get caught-up on since we now spend so much time together, or just rather stay at home. I would love for her to learn about MB; but, I can't sway her to take the first step towards learning. She readily compliments me on meeting her needs that she told me about two years ago; but once I continue to meet those, she seems to find things further down the list that bother her. Then once I meet those she'll find something else. She readily admits that I have not hurt her ( since I mentally abused her in the past) in any way as I did before. I have been Plan Aing and not LBing to the best of my ability. But, I still have this strange feeling that she will not let go and accept the new me. I still feel she has regrets that she didn't divorce so she could try the single life style to see if it could possibly make her happier. I feel she will not let go and try MB or a trip for fear it will work out and she will never know what possibly could with a divorce. How do I sway her to give MB a try without seemingly being demanding or controlling and so she will mutually agree? I've tried to negotiate as per the book "Negotiating Marriage"; but, I feel she has her mind made-up and as soon as I give her one small opportunity or she gets her counselors approval she's gone.

TTT