I am just calming down after a 30 minute meltdown.

First let me begin with last night. Here goes: I get an IM as I am leaving internet emailing my sister a photo of son. It is stbxh. He rambles on and on and tries to get me to admit (admit what?) that I must be seeing some guy and wants to know, as friends, what is going on with me. Then he jumps to bashing me and saying that I couldn't do certain things right and was always finishing things before completion (yea like he can talk about that) and then jumps to my needing psych help. Says I should be seeing counselor etc . I am and turn it around on him and say "are you seeing one still and what do they say about you?". Mine has said I am ok considering all the crap he put me through these last 3 years. He then alludes that I am in need of something else (like the physical stupid thing we did a few weeks ago?) and then he gets just verbally down on me and then logs off. It wierds me out and I go to sleep.

Then comes today. I am leaving work and on way home. He is getting son today after his wreaking havoc on the west coast last weekend. Being a good mom and not to LB, I let him switch weekends. No problem for me, miss no dates yet so I say ok to that. So he has gone to get son and when he calls, I am thinking it has to do with son and I take the call. He starts just yelling at me saying that he wants the D now and that I am incompetent, can't get my attorney to do anything and that he has attempted to fire his own attorney. I started crying. I can be so strong, but I still started shaking and crying. I did nothing to bring this tirade on whatsoever. I just answered the phone. He then goes on and on to say that he is having hard times financially and that he is stressed out with work so much. On and On. I tell him how I am sorry things are not going well for him and try to be empathetic although tears are choking me up at this point. Then he proceeds to tell me that "you're in the catbird seat now". We exchange a few heated hang up calls between one another. I am crying so hard now that I had to sit down b/c I got dizzy. My heart started that awful racing again. Hasn't done that in months now. But it all came back. Then I told him what I had been wanting to tell him. That I can understand his pressure, yet I am not gonna tolerate any more of his stupid excuses or new age justifications for something that is just plain wrong. And that if he had a problem with me understanding why we are getting a divorce, then he should just take his case to God to see if He will agree with these excuses. I told him that he has treated me like poop since meeting Ms. Monkeyho and that maybe some external force was putting some pressure on him.

He is IM'ing me now. Saying the fact his taxes aren't in order and saying that I can work this whole thing between ourselves. Now he is bashing me again, saying I am "just like my old self" and calling me vindictive and hateful. I have not said or done one thing to show those kind of allegations. This is unfounded. I am actually shocked now.

Please pray for me, for son and for him. He just doesn't get it. One second he is trying to be kind and alludes to wanting something physical from me, the next second he is bashing me and swearing calling me everything from crazy to evil.

Just took a minute out to email him. I told him whether or not he liked it I forgive him. That I am not going to allow lies, and betrayals to control me anymore. That I am deserving of love and happiness. That I am not by any means the smartest, cleverest, most beautiful woman in the world, but I am a good person and a good mom. And I am deserving of much more and will be working to achieving that and more. I declared I will not be controlled by this pain and hurt anymore.

Maybe it is time for B to go into final effect. I am just now calming down. Since putting this into words, I have endured several phone calls, IM's and email.

Just pray for us ok? His fog is thicker than ever. I know he is confused, but why? He claims it is financial and that he has to let out his frustrations. I am understanding, but not one to be the brunt of all this agression. I did nothing. I was just his wife, that's all.

That's kind of how I feel after looking back at the last two years. Dumfounded and in disbelief. He must really be hurting and I am sad for him but he is having to go this alone as he chose to lock me out. I said to him, I never had that privilege or honor to be there for you these last few years. Too bad ms. Monkey isn't around to listen. But that's what OM and OW are. Temporary diversions and home wreckers. He could have had the whole world. If only he'd leave the fog once and for all.

I think it is maybe too late now, too late as of today. I am confused, eyes swollen, and soul somewhat downtrodden after this. The wierd part is I now know that for him to do this is just plain wrong now.

Pray ok? We need that. I also would be so thankful for some kind words of advice as well...Orchid? REdhat? Formerly Confused? Cajunky or others?

I am going to the gym to work this away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Not peachy.....First of all let me give you a big HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. It sounds like he is trying to blame everyone else but himself for what is happening. It is so hard to see somebody you really love so much to act like such a fool. I wish there was something magical we could do to make all the pain go away and be back to the good old days but this is the time for perseverance and faith.

Like you have told me so many times, God has something big planned for us. All we have to do is keep having faith in him. I know it is hard when so much junk comes down on us like this but remember that you are the one that fought for the marriage. As much crap as he gives you remember that God is always by your side and is holding your hand. Take right now and think of how he has blessed you just in the last week(food on table, time with son, great job, guys noticing the new you,etc). If I get down and think God is not blessing me when I pray for my marriage I think of things like this and soon realize that God is still there but I am looking at wanting my marriage back to hard and missing all the things God is doing for me right now.

I know it is hard sometimes but try to keep focused on you and know you are the better person for fighting for your marriage.

Love in Christ
shane

Thanks CJ.

I laid down b/c I was so completely exhausted from taking that emotional beating and I fell asleep for almost an hour. I needed it. God did indeed bless me and with a dreamless nap. I am at least ready to get up and go to gym now.

Thanks you are right.

But I just wonder what is going on with him? Yep, he brought all of this on now. My brain part of me tells me that he is ready and in position for me to get lawyer to make legal move and attempt an offer, a real fair one this time. Then my heart and soul say he is confused and that he wants to have me be the one to give him the D because he's deserved it and b/c this way no blood is on his hands, albeit he had the A he did it all.

Advice. To I listen to my brain and go for it now? End the plan A although it is a distant one and go straight to B and no contact again? I don't know.

He wants to talk tonight after he's put son to sleep. I will talk. Guess that is what will help decide things here. Just got message on cell from buddy from home town. She lives about 5 min. from OW and I am wondering...Going to check it now. Nope. No new info. Just calling to say hello. I keep wondering what is propelling him to want to move this thing forward like lightening? He is claiming finances. As if that wasn't the biggest trick in the book.

Can say plan is great. Works on helping you better you, and for you to get it together, no matter how many times you try it.
This just makes me so mad. He actually thinks it was me who needed to change. How about apologizing to me for his more than awful lies and betrayals the size of the crysler building? And we haven't even touched on his treatment of me generally. His rages when I had oh so many D days. I'd find something and he'd get mad and sometimes he'd get more than mad.

God is beside me. Just pray He speaks loudly in my heart soon. Because I need to know what to do. To strike or not to legally strike now. This may be a good time. I read the Tao of Divorce and this may be a good time. Right now I feel like Dr. Kervorkian holding a lethal needle looking at a dying patient. Do I inject it and get rid of the pain once and for all and end it or wait on God to do maybe that very same thing but in His time and maybe experience even more pain in the process?

Either way it will hurt. It hurts but I didn't cause this. GIIC and I are in same boat here. His rationalizations about why he cheated aren't valid. If he didn't like how I cooked or cleaned the man was wealthy enough to hire a full time cook and maid and lived a charmed life. But nothing was enough.

For me today may be enough. I am tired of giving him any power any more over my life. His controlling and the lies occurred yesterday. I am not giving my tomorrow's away any more. Not to someone who doesn't love or cherish me. To some I could be considered a polished diamond. To him I am just a dark lump of rock. It is in how you perceive things.

Ideas. Do I wait a few days for this episode to run its course and truly decide my actions? If I proceed, it will not be to his liking. I cannot sit down and work this thing out between us. He has been a snake in the grass and always jumped out and bitten me somehow. From attempting to take custody of our son to not giving me alimony and c hild support so as to get me behind on bills b/c I have no nest egg as a stay at home mom then, to kicking me and our son out of house ten days before Christmas. I almost think it's time to call Dr. K here to do the honors. Legal euthenasia may give me the closure I finally need. I may let a short while pass and then I will tell him to make an appt. with my attorney b/c I want to tell you what we are doing now. I want x from you and this is going down. Just agree to my terms and agree on my grounds and you've got your D. I will not compromise on the grounds. It is whole reason I filed. I am not absolving the lies. I am not making this D a cleansing thing for him. He sees D as this new chance to begin again. Bull. It is an ending to something once lovely and blessed by God. It is a family torn apart by selfishness and sin. And my famous line can actually make sense here: It is what it is.

If I do the B and continue moving forward with the D, I will glibly tell him to go off dancing into the fog. Be a foggy Gene Kelly and dance off into the fog but better carry an umbrella cause' lots of stuff is going to be falling down around you. Including your fantasies. This is coming to a head and fast folks.

Thoughts as to why he keeps wanting it to be me to do this? What am I fighting for? The one in a gazillion chance he will wake up and his brain will have no more fog? I think we are just on life support here folks. All the functioning parts of this M are dead and a legal piece of paper is keeping it going. The little piece of paper our old minister signed in God's house that says we are married.

Everything he has done is making me mad now. I am going to have to use every restraint possible later when he calls and I am strong enough to do it. Will do one last plan A to end this M with him knowing I am who I am. I was a good wife. I am the best he'd ever have, past and future. It is like my heart is just numb. Totally numb.

Have you ever wondered how the funky fog feels like? It must be fun because they sure like it.

Peachy, i bet there are lots of people here who have been through something similar.

When I was really struggling, I had a dear friend tell me to wait for messages from God. That He would send them. And He did. In the words of other people, in quite moments all alone, on billboards, on license tags, on the lid of a pimento cheese container. He spoke to me.

And when I had an EKG because the stress was affecting my heart, I knew it was time.

I have learned that I don't have to listen to x talk to me that way. I can hang up on him. I can sit the phone down and walk off and let hm talk to the air. I don't have to answer his ims - log off your im function when he starts up. You can say no to being verbally assaulted in these ways. But it took me a long time to get to that point.

I don't have any words that can heal your pain. And these days, I'm sort of out of advice (thinking my days here are numbered). But, if you listen with your heart, God will keep you safely through this. Won't make it painless but will give you strength.

And it is ok to cry. To cry lots.

Just keep one thought in mind - What is the next right thing to do in this situation? If you continue with doing the next God-centered thing, you will make choices you can live with.

Now let me give you a hug - ((((((Peachy))))))

<small>[ September 24, 2002, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>

Austin just called me and started in on me again. He asked me what I wanted from him. He said we'd never be a couple again. He then got so verbally abusive that I hung up. Was doubled over crying listening to this garbage. Part of my brain tells me that this is the fog. This is their way to rationalize. This is their wway to cope. But the other part of me hears this and is just destroyed. How he says I even manipulated him into marrying me. He calls me evil and so many words. I am amazed. After all he has done and he cannot even have any conscience whatsoever. I said, how dare you use me a few weeks ago. He said I used him and have been for years.

Need advice on plan B. When do I do it? When do I start it? I think now is the time b/c I need to stop taking this kind of crap. He was so normal, acted decently and was somewhat ok and even sent me a kind email yesterday. Then whammo. He changes like he has another personality or something. And he calls me crazy? The only thing at all crazy about me is how or why I allowed this to go on. I asked him when was it when he lost his soul?

I have never verbally spoken to anyone at all like this. I never will. Cannot imagine treating anyone in this manner. I am still shaking. He called me about 45 minutes ago and was just horrible. I am not taking his calls anymore. I am going to send a plan b type letter now. I will go on a and b and look for examples. This will be second plan b letter I have sent. He kept asking me why I was crying???Duh, he was bashing me telling me how bad, wrong, etc. that I was. That I didn't give him anything during our marriage.

I want to bury this now. This man, the man I loved does not exist anymore. He is dead. His soul is dead. I know my God can resurrect the dead but apart from hope in God I have no hope now whatsoever. Will push forward with this D. He kept saying that he wasn't put on this earth to support me or help me. I said, "well that was part of the vow you made to me and God" and then he said what about the part of "honoring". How dare he even mention honor. I then said "how did you honor me? I can think of two names. Ms. Monkey and Nurse Bimbo. That is how you honored me". I then said that I didn't deserve this anymore and one day I wanted him to eat these words and I will live life so well that I will hear them before I die.
I am shattered still by his words. I know he is in the fog, but he is so hurtful and for what? Why? I still do not understand. Something is up. As far as Ms. Monkey goes, she can have this. For if she gets him while in the fog, she will get this kind of "honor" as well. I no longer want this anymore. He said I've been talking to three different guys. Well I told him I can have friends. He either wants me or hates me, but the wanting part is only in the physical sense and I am not like Ms. Monkey. Although I am married to this man, I am not to be used anymore.

Guess the LB has been robbed. Been robbed of all my tiny deposits left tonight. Please pray for us. He is so lost. He is God's responsibility now. I don't even have the words to say to this person in my B letter of no contact. I almost want to just say to communicate to me via email from now on and no contact. That is it. Nothing else. My guts inside are just shaking. I don't even understand why. He kept saying that t his has been going on for a year and a half. Why was I still crying? Why because I loved my husband and my family. He trashed us. He still believes he is a good father. Does even a good single father totally disrespect the mother of his child if she is a good and loving mother?

Just can't stop crying and want to desperately. Guess I am just getting this out of my soul. It is so funny, this man said I needed help. Was it I who called him out of the blue and ripped verbally into his jugular vein? Was it me who attempted to so brutally verbally abuse him? No. That is someone who needs help. It was funny but last night when he IM'd me, I saw the words f rom him and were able to see him in a totally different light. Nothing was coherent. It was kind of rambling. Jumping from one insult to a question to sexual innuendo. It was so very strange and wierd.

It is strange how we progress from loving someone to detachment. I feel so shaken and now can say that I understand this is called verbal abuse. It is wrong. I will not be abused by him anymore. This is going to stop.

Fog is too thick for any reason for this man. I will make my demands via attorney this week and lay this marriage to rest. Legal euthenasia. It is over.

I am no more going to listen or try. Never again unless God breaks through to him. As of tonight it may be way too late, though. Like that straw that broke the camel's back. It is finished.

Maybe the monkeywoman is back. If so, so what. I will drag her into court and she wil testify to her sin. I don't care anymore. I am detaching from it all. She can have him this way. He is not good for anyone and now I am worried about him having my son although son was supposedly asleep when he verbally tortured mom again. Wonder if he treats me this bad how he could possibly treat son.

Have had suspicion that Austin is a sociopath. Tonight pretty much confirmed it. Although one of my best girlfriends here thinks he is just plain mean.

Does anyone have or had dealings with a sociopath? Any advice? I am fully plan B and will send the letter as soon as I find good enough words, which probably won't matter anyhow.

Hon, I am so sorry,

I wish I knew what to tell you. I wish I had the cure for your ills. It is hard for me not to know how to heal someone. But as much as I wish I could just prescribe something, or take out this cancer, it is not to be. What I think does not matter, for it is you and your son's lives that are at stake. What I can tell you though is that what you are going through is not healthy for either you or your boy. This I can say with certainty. And maybe after so much time and so many attempts, there should be some closure for both you and your husband.

I take it that he does not have the power to divorce you for some reason. Is this a legal difficulty? I am not sure why he cannot divorce you if he feels so strongly, but regardless, maybe you should take a different tack on your future. Plan A certainly does allow us to change ourselves, however, it does not allow us to change the other person and that is the conundrum that we must face upon its failure. Whether all the problems that we would face upon reconciliation would simply disappear if they came back, or would there simply be new problems since they had not changed.

My feeling, at least for me is that without major changes, even with me being an absolutely God-given perfect husband and father, which obviously I could never be, we could not make it simply because a marriage is TWO people. No matter how much we(you and I)can change, the fact is that we were not the WHOLE problem, and very often not even the majority of the problem. I know that I put up with too much crap just because I loved her and was a responsible husband and father. Was I perfect, absolutely not. Did I do things that I am not proud of, Absolutely. Did I change those things and really strive to take them from our lives. Without a doubt. Did I succeed? In most cases I did or was well on the way. Was I happy with her effort? Absolutely not. Would I have been happy with how things were had they stabilized and never changed for better or worse? Absolutely not. That is one of the benefits of Plan A. It allows us to change. It allows us to remove ourselves from the fog that we have allowed ourselves to enter into. I would never choose to live the way that I did, except that my love for my wife and family made every difficulty so undoubtedly worthwhile, I would have gladly dealt with what I did forever. Not now, I was in a fog of sorts, allowing things that completely went against what I believed just because I was trying to make her happy. Now I can see that, and even though she always thought that all I thought about was myself, I can't even begin to recount all the times in which I gave simply because I loved her.

What I am saying is this...
What if he did come back, Could you accept him the way he is? Because you have no power to change him. I thought that if I could keep my wife with me, that we could continue to work things out. I gave and gave thinking " Well, I know she isn't giving, but that will come." I see now that it would never have come, because I recognize that she was maxed out. She had reached the limits of her ability to change and improve. And it was essentially accept her shallowness and self centeredness; Her passive aggressiveness and her lack of committment; or not. Even though I wanted to continue working, I realized after her last break and betrayal that there was nothing of the person that I had loved left. The person that I loved was a myth. The person that I loved had integrity. The person I loved had pride and guts and desire. The person I loved would never have allowed herself to be put in the position to fail, much less actively seeked out her failure repeatedly. The person I loved was a myth and it took 14 years for that myth to be debunked.

I am not willing to make that sacrifice for my life and my children's lives. A life with her would never be happy. I wish that things were different, but I realized that no matter what she did, she was not capable of being the person that the "NEW" me would require. Not that I was or am anything special, but I deserve better than her best at this point. I would have gladly accepted her best and loved our lives together had she not put so much crap in the path of reconciliation. Had she not shown such advent betrayal and disdain for our relationship, trust, and family.

I am not trying to talk about me, but what I am saying is, Look deep in your heart my friend. Look deep in it and think about whether you really want this man or are you still just being afraid to be without him? Would you marry him again knowing what you know about him? Could you ever look at him again and really respect him without reservation or would there at best be some sort of question? I know that for me I could have when we tried to reconcile but I doubt very much that I could do it now. I guess the answers to these questions are what set me free from her. They were the knife that cut the ties that bound me. When I realized that I no longer respected her I realized that I could never respect her without such major changes in her life. And after being with her for 14 years, I realized that I don't believe that she has what it takes to make those changes. Without those changes, I, ME, FC, could never be happy with her. I could tolerate her possibly, but I could never look at her with the love that I desire to give to my wife. I could never hold her thinking that she had once again given herself to another. I could never know that she was out with her friends and trust that she was true, simply because I had already done that without reservation and was betrayed horribly by it. Not for me, but that I would have no faith that she could or even would want to refrain from doing it again. I have no trust for her committment and therefore I am not willing to put myself in the position to be hurt by her again.

If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, I recommend you wait for a few days or a week. You should never make a decision like this in the heat or hurt of the moment.

My personal belief is that you should move on. I will be right here with you whatever you decide though. I will support you in whatever you need to do and will hold you in my heart in whatever you/we need to endure to get through this. You are not alone, although we may be separated by miles, my heart and hopes are right there with you.

You will be stronger for this, although it is little consolation I know. But, it sounds like you need to take care of yourself, and he is making it impossible to maintain a stable balance within your life. Limit contact with him if you must, but take care of yourself and your boy.

This is a prayer that I wrote several months ago. It is the basis of my feelings about what I hope to achieve during this life as well as the hope that I have for it. I hope that maybe, somewhere in it you might find a little peace.

My prayer

-Lord, I thank you for this day and all the many blessings you have given me ,
-I pray that you will continue to guide me and keep me safe.
-I ask that you soothe my heart and touch my soul.
-I ask for the peace and sense of love that only you can provide.
-Please help me to find my way when I am lost and bring light to my nights when darkness overcomes my senses.
-Give me strength in my times of weakness and lift my spirits when I am confounded by pain and mistrust.
-May I believe in your desire to help and love me , and sustain me with trust that your plan for me and mine is always that which is pure and wholesome.
-Forgive me for the trials at which I have failed and help me to forgive any who have failed in my sight. Please let your forgiveness be shown through me , and my forgiveness be shown through my deeds and desires.
-Bless those who care for me and whom I care for. Keep them safe at your side and blessed by your presence. Always let them know that care and love are the utmost blessings that can be bestowed upon any such as us.
-I thank you for the opportunity to learn and grow, and I pray that I recognize the possibilities that are given me and succeed in their execution.
-I thank you for the challenges that are in my life and I understand that although painful , you will not press upon me that which I cannot endure and conquer.
-I thank you for Jesus, who died on the cross to relieve me of my sins. He allows me to fail and yet not perish. That through him and recognition of his love and sacrifice, I can repent and be washed clean of my burdens.
-I love you Lord , thank you for bringing me to you and always being by my side.

In Jesus’ name I pray,
Amen

<small>[ September 24, 2002, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

F.C.

I am speechless. Words cannot properly convey my feelings right now. A mere thank you cannot apply. You are so sweet. Thank you for sharing your prayer with me.

I don't understand any ofit. It is not like I am unattractive or became some kind of behemoth after my son. I am a smart, attractive and usually very funny woman. Had just won a state beauty pageant when I met him years ago. I'm not the ugly duckling by far and although he is attractive, I am almost immune to his looks by now. Just a shell. One of my girlfriends who is on state med board w/me just called. She couldn't believe that I was so shaken. She said he was just lost and overcome by evil and that I had to do now whatever it took to get peace for son and I. That means no contact for me. I am going forward with it. Been filed for D for so long now but he will get his wish. Funny, but now I just want to be free of it. Free of this awful burden now. You are right. It is broken and beyond repair. I couldn't trust him again. I don't like to even look at him in his eyes. It is if I can't do that anymore. My whole body is just aching now. I am getting ready in a bit to go and take a bubble bath. This has exhausted my energy today. I let him take away my power again. When I do that he wins.

Did you read my question about sociopath? I am wondering...Your insight would be especially helpful. You are so sweet.

Thanks for prayers folks. Still need them.

O h, big hugs and thank you to Cinderella. And I have gotten the biggest sign from God when I last ventured out to movies a few weeks ago. Saw sign for movie Road to Perdition. In headlines it says, pray for _____. And it gives the character's name. That name is my stbxh's name. And it is on billboards and in movie theaters everywhere. When I saw it I froze. Just froze. Talk about signs. I was going to see the movie, signs. And I do pray for him. He is so lost.

But I am ending this now. I have to. D is not God centered and I know you and Cajunky are M advocates and so am I. I just can't take this kind of stuff anymore from him.

I am nibbling finally on some homemade salsa I made the other day. It is even better after it marinades a while. I am still shaking somewhat. And thanks again CJ.

F.C.--do you have ideas about sociopaths? I need your opinion my good doc...

Peachy:

I just been through something similar with my EX:

My rationalization of the whole deal is this: when they find themselves in a position of regret & remorse, it is extremely difficult to approach the spouse with integrity again, since in the affair, so much spouse-bashing has taken place, that they are in HUGE conflict over on the one hand, missing the spouse like crazy, regretting the whole separation, or divorce, or affair, and on the other hand, still feeling totally justified in the action that they have taken, since they had so much grounds for unhappiness, because of fauly or failure on the part of the spouse.

Also, the embarrassment they feel, over the demise of the A, the guilt of the A, the eyes of everyone on them, and the attempt to escape the "I told you so" message, makes them react as violently as they do. They feel that no-one understands them, and everyone is ready to condemn them & judge them for their actions.

The only way out of this, is for the WS to come to terms with guilt by counselling, or to face squarely what they have done.

If you're anything like me, you would not have made a huge issue out of the yrs of suffering because of their behaviour. Still it doesn't help. They feel the guilt, and cannot deal with it. This is not your problem to deal with.

Formerely Confused:

Your post was so exceptionally eloquent, and really made me understand my experience with my ex from another perspective. Thanks

muzohead