I showed up at son's school today, to either pick him up if XH didn't show up, or to give XH our daughter when S gets out of school.

XMIL comes up, says XH asked her to pick up the kids today.

I am a conflict avoider. The people at the school have not only said they don't want to be involved, but are biased toward her because she helps out at the school. It would end up looking bad on me if I said no, so ... I let D go with her (S was still in class) and I left.

I came home and wrote this note ... debating on whether to do a drive-by and see if XH is still at work ...

~~~

September 25, 2002

XH,

I would appreciate timely prior notice of your intentions if you need to arrange for someone other than yourself to pick up the children. I like to be able to tell the children every morning who will be picking them up, as they ask almost daily. It is also a matter of common courtesy that I know and that the school knows who will be picking up children on a day-by-day basis.

Further, after consult with Legal Services and Friend of the Court, it is not only reasonable but expected because of the wording of our order, that you furnish me with your work schedule, in writing, updating as necessary.

I did not contest an unexpected third party pick-up on this day because I seek to avoid conflict in front of the children. If I find that you were unable to pick up the children because you were at work, I will report this violation of the order.

I am poised to file a Motion to Enforce Judgement, with violations of several different sections indicated. It would be in both of our best interests to avoid further court action. I implore you to open up the lines of communication so that these issues can be handled effectively between us without further court cost or hassle.

I am available by phone, mail, or you can contact me at xpb@myemail if you have email access. Again, I wish to refrain from conversation with you in the presence of the children on topics other than their activities and well-being.

Regards,

xPB

~~~

Not sure how else to handle this. I really DON'T want to go back to court, but ... what if he refuses to communicate and work out these violations?? (They are in my post here on my answer/counter-claim to his latest stunt.)

I called his work, to see if he was still there or had already left.

He's there.

Grrrr.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure how else to handle this. I really DON'T want to go back to court, but ... what if he refuses to communicate and work out these violations?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I still say the best response is with a 2x4, but that's just my very humble opinion! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Has

I think the judge would use a 2x4 on him if I go through with getting a hearing, but if I can avoid it ... I feel it will do little but make him even MORE BITTER and impossible to communicate with.

I feel I'm giving him a choice, an option, and he's going to see it as a threat and of course not back down. Spend more borrowed money on his attorney and see me in court.

How can I break this cycle? I won't let him walk on me ...

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: ex-Princess Buttercup ]</small>

I must have misunderstand your circumstances.

I am sure a rational mother would not mind a Grandmother picking up the children unless she was somehow unfit to do so.And if the father is at work or where ever-whats the differance if the children were picked up by a responsible party?

I am sure that I missed something. You are divorced???

The letter sounded good - but I thinkyou have asked the question of the hour.

The only good advice I've gotten is to try and not be confrontational with your communication with them - try and make it seem like they are in control - by say giving them two choices - like telling him that in the future if he findsthat he can't pick up D then it would be great if he could either A) call you or B) have someone else do it and then call you or whatever.

Conflict breeds conflict - and also, when you speak to a controlling person, make sure that it's really even worthwhile to say what you were going to say, because if you know it won't make a difference, then it's probably better to say nothing to him at all.

I know where you are coming from. Just today Ex decided he didn't want to follow the judgement and drop off the kids at the specified time asn location and just told me to come and get them if I wanted them.

We have a very special place in heaven - that's all I can say.

K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ezra:
<strong>I must have misunderstand your circumstances.

I am sure a rational mother would not mind a Grandmother picking up the children unless she was somehow unfit to do so.And if the father is at work or where ever-whats the differance if the children were picked up by a responsible party?

I am sure that I missed something. You are divorced???</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm pretty rational, but I object to this person or anyone else of XH's choosing picking up the children when it is not XH's parenting time. This person in particular I have a problem with due to several mental abuse, false police reports, and parental alienation. I hope this clears things up a bit.

XH called tonight to give me "timely notice" that his mother would be picking up S & D tomorrow. When I asked why he wasn't picking them up, he replied that he works until 3:30 so couldn't be there on time (school lets out at 3:20).

I am 99% sure this is a lie, and that he works until 4:30, and should be able to confirm this with another phone call at 4:00 pm tomorrow.

With the letter above, I had also sent a notice about swim lessons and Cub Scouts, inquiring if XH would participate in helping with the cost of lessons, and be active with the Scout troop if activities fell on his weekends. I tried to bring up Scouts but was interrupted. He said he only called to give me notice and that was it.

He ignored my plea for communication. So he wants to go back to court??

With joint legal custody, do I need his permission to sign S up for Scouts? My boyfriend offered to take S to meetings and events when he's able to (long hours at work) which I thought was incredibly wonderful. Over the past two summers I've watched BF do more positive interacting with the kids than their own father ever did in my presence. Maybe he's superweekenddad now, and she's Grandma Claus, but a lot of the kids' "firsts" (playing ball, frisbee, tubing, etc.) have been done with my Westley.

And it seems that's the way XH wants it.

Not to be too harsh but it sounds like you are trying to control him right now. Which is understandable. I sure try, but it never works. It sounds like the two of you have given up on the marriage, but the bitterness has replaced the love that was once there. I know that feeling too. I'm not sure what to say. I guess it would be best to concentrate on the children and realize that this, man you married is a, cheating no good " son of a ..... " He doesn't understand your pain. He may never understand. He is dripping with the filth of the evil he has done, but ((( HE CAN'T SEE IT ))). I'm sorry I am just frustrated with cheaters. At least you have someone, but don't make the same mistakes again.

With Caring, Invictus

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hasatude:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure how else to handle this. I really DON'T want to go back to court, but ... what if he refuses to communicate and work out these violations?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I still say the best response is with a 2x4, but that's just my very humble opinion! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Has</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">XPB - well put! I'd stick by my guns on this one - control freaks have problems understanding anything unless it's put IN THEIR FACE by someone who wields power and authority over them (in this case the Judge) and then they have to submit, albeit grudgingly, but they submit. Keep the faith and don't give up!
HAT - I loved the 2x4 - what a scream! Too bad they're NOT worth going to jail over...
LOL, Harold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Invictus:
<strong>Not to be too harsh but it sounds like you are trying to control him right now. {snip} cheating no good " son of a ..... " </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello! Well, it can be considered controlling that I want control of who picks up my kids during my time, I guess. I know I can't control who picks up the kids or spends time with them during his time, it's usually Grandma the kids talk about doing stuff with, not Dad. I understand that's out of my control, but it's still sad.

It could be controlling that I need to have timely answers to things regarding the kids activities too, I'm pressuring him to make a decision, I know that isn't easy for him with the umbilical attached and all. Sorry, that slipped in there.

I am actually pretty light-hearted these days more than bitter. It's pretty funny that he always accused me of being dependent, but can't live on his own.

P.S. Cheating was not an issue in our divorce, it was abuse. He claimed I was cheating on him through the entire marriage, I can't control what he decides to believe.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DJ T-Bird:
<strong> ... and then they have to submit, albeit grudgingly, but they submit.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See, that's the thing. It's already a court order. He's not submitting to the order. I'd have to go back and make a motion to enforce the order. The best thing that happens for me is he's told to obey the order he's already supposed to be following. So if he doesn't ... I'm stuck in this time-wasting anger-rousing cycle.

We've been divorced a year. He isn't getting any more reasonable. Just proving that leaving was the best choice I've ever made.

Update and a surprise ...

XH said he would help with swim lesson costs so both kids can take lessons (YAY) and he also bought S a new pair of shoes, which I had said he was in need of but did not tell XH he needed to buy.

Hopefully the beginning of some positive stuff ...