This is the e-mail I recvied this afternoon. Please give some advice or ideas.

I never know how to respond to your e-mails. I know the pain I'm causing you and I hate myself for putting you through this. You truly don't deserve this but I can't be something I'm not any longer. You are a wonderful man but I can't give you what you need and deserve from a wife. You deserve a wife who loves you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you. That's not me. I've stayed married for all these years b/c of our children and the fact that our relationship was comfortable. I need more than that, and no matter how hard you try, you can't give me more. You can't change who you are and you shouldn't have to. I truly wish it was you I was meant to spend my life with but I know you're not. I hate the fact that I'm going to hurt my children. That tears me up every day. You don't know how hard I've tried to be happy in our marriage. But I can't remember a time when I was happy. I have always just been comfortable. I don't know what else to say. I think we've said all there is and anything else we say just hurts. I honestly never wanted to hurt you.

WW

I am going to tell OM the truth when I see him in October. Our relationship will end and then maybe you'll understand I'm not leaving you for another man. I don't know where I'll go from here but I can't stay. I wish you could understand.

MJT -
Your wife sounds similar to my husband...we married kind of young and when he went back to college, got his degrees (now working on PhD) he changed. He said the same things: never been happy, never should have married, hates leaving cuz of family, knows he's causing pain (he had a martyr attitude too). Also said he wasn't leaving me cuz of OW and was willing to postpone going out of town to finish PhD in order to prove it (but he went anyway- she was with him there).

Have you read some of the books recommended here? In particular, "Surviving An Affair" might be helpful. They are also available at some bookstores locally.

Have you had a chance to sit down and honestly assess your marriage? Have you been totally happy yourself? I think if one person is unhappy, there is probably room for adjustments by both spouses. Perhaps you should indicate you want to work to make the marriage a mutually satisfying experience . And what about your children, has she given any thought to them other than say "it tears her up every day"? It will certainly tear them up too. And we haven't even gotten into the legal entanglements of custody, support, etc.

I know you have a lot on your plate right now. Do you have friends and/or a support system where you are? Are you seeing a counselor? How much of this situation did you know was coming? When did you begin Plan A? There are people here who've been in Plan A for years; it just depends on your circumstances. There is no easy answer for that, unfortunately. Sorry!

What your WW said is actually a very common feeling with WSs, and I seems to me she's actually being pretty honest, and at least relatively respectful to you.

I think you absolutely continue with Plan A at this stage. Go on with your life. Do things that make you happy. When my WW was going through this stage, she wasn't happy at all. I was actually becoming quite happy, and my attitude was, "I'm happy; if you'd like to join my happiness, you go right ahead." Don't think of it as a way to get her back. Don't do anything with the thought of, "Oh, this will get her back." Just think, "Oh, this is making me happy."

Another feeling that helped me was, "Am I doing something I'll feel ashamed of?" Months later, I would think back to the things I did and the things she did and I still feel, "I am SO glad I'm not her!"