Well, I called my daughter tonight, and she wants to spend more time with me! A friend of mine is having a little dinner party at his house on Sunday, and I told her that she was invited, and if she wanted to go, I'd pick her up on Sunday afternoon. She did me one better...she wanted me to pick her up on Saturday, so she could spend the night at my house!

But wait...it gets better! Her school is having a "fall break" in about a week, and she wants to spend at least half the time here at my house. The week after that, she'll be here for a 5-day weekend.

This is a big breakthrough, since she's been pretty indifferent as to who she's staying with since the divorce. As I've mentioned before, XW and I have no formal custody agreement, so who D stays with has been pretty much a matter of who's been available. This is the first time since the divorce that D has asserted her will and explicitly stated a desire to return to her old home.

I woke this morning to my little one patting my face, and then she crawled into my bed for a morning cuddle. A very nice way to start the day.

Today we went bowling. The kids loved it, yet again!

It is raining here, which is a good thing, because we are heading for another drought. And I don't have to water my garden now, which has become a no-no since water restrictions began on Saturday.

So even the rain is good.

I told some people about the 'Glad Game' a long time ago. It is from the movie Pollyanna. Whenever something bad is happening, she always looks for something good to counter it.

This is kind of what we are doing here, and I like it.

Love and light,

Jacky

Good thing today.

I have people that care enough about my well being to take the time to post on my problems. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

That is truly a great feeling. To see so many take a part of their life and give it to me. To see so many people do it over and over again. Helping me with things that you have all gone or are going through. I appreciate your thoughts and your opinions more than I can say. I appreciate the outlet I have for my frustrations and needs that you present.

My post on my 'night out' has greatly helped me to understand what I want and need to do. The respect I have for you all is truly boundless. I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend.

I am still debating whether this was a 'fun' thing to do or not, lol!

I took my three kids to get their ears pierced today, and got another set done for myself, too! One of the kids, my son, got his left ear pierced. I am afraid I was defiant....stbx had told son he couldn't get it done until he was ten. He is 9 and a few months right now, but I thought, hang it, we are all getting done, he may as well get done now too.

Anyway the BEST thing about it all was that the daughter who was my main worry (as in liable to back out or scream the place down) sat up on the chair and had hers done FIRST! I was so proud of her!!!!

So now all three kids claim their ears don't hurt, but mine are stinging!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Love, light and laughter,

Jacky

Great day today.

Slept in until 7:30. 2 1/2 hours later than usual. Had to actually wake my boys up to get them going. We ate some great chocolate doughnuts then went to a local state park to look for some rocks. My oldest boy wants to be a geologist and he just absolutely loves rocks. I swear I could drop him off in a gravel road and find him there a week later. Pockets stuffed full of "shiney" rocks.

We then booked it back to town for my youngest son's soccer game. He kicked some major tail out there. Then we ran to church where I taught/herded a bunch of kindergardeners. I love that time. They are so fun and respectful. What happens to it all???

We then came home and had supper at about 9pm. I just made some VERY quick pasta. But my boys said it was the best pasta I have cooked. Thank goodness for Prego and a pound of hamburger and oregano. haha.

Watched a Rescue Heros tape then hit the hay. All in all, had a great day. Only thing that would have made it better would have been to have had a kiss on the cheek now and then form someone who cared for me. I thought about that alot today. Just walking behind my boys, wishing that I had someone to hold hands with. Someone to laugh and joke with. A pair of gorgeous eyes to look into.

Wow, gotta keep my head together. But I did think alot about it today.

Funny thing is, I didn't picture my wife with me, I pictured someone that actually cared for me. I didn't picture my wife walking with me at all. I didn't even picture her loving me, just a kind of unknown woman holding my hand, putting her cheek on my shoulder as we sat on some rocks and watched our children playing by the creek. It is sad that I can more easially picture a faceless woman, than I can picture my wife caring for me and our lives.

All in all a great day. Hope that tomorrow is good as well. Hope you have all had a good day today.

I didn't have to get up at the crack of dawn today so my kids were awake when I gave them their morning hug. There's nothing like seeing their bright little faces first thing in the mroning and getting a big hug and a "You're the best mom in the world"!

Went out today, looking for Halloween costumes. I usually make my boys costumes, but this year, we came to an understanding that since I didn't have a sewing machine yet, that we would just buy some ready made costumes. I love making their costumes, and have since my oldest boy was about a year old. Pirates, scarecrows, elephants, ninja, gladiators, etc. I have made them all. My oldest wanted to be a hippy. He had everything all planned out, but when we started looking for patterns, we couldn't find any that was his size. I could have tried to alter a regular pants/suit pattern, but I couldn't find any that looked easy enough for me to do. I can sew, thank goodness for the requirement of Home-Economics in Highschool. I have always been the tailor for our family. Hemming pants, taking in waists, replacing buttons, etc. And the ever present Halloween. I love Halloween, because it gives me one of the only times that I really have a need to make something from scratch. It also challenges me and my abilities. I am definitely a novice tailor, but can make about anything that I set my mind to doing. Almost always sew at least one thing inside out or backwards, but all in all, a little seam-ripper and all is well.

Anyway, we found some 'decent' ninja costumes. Not as good as mine, but they are servicable. I would not want to take credit for making them, but I can't make them without a sewing machine, and "our' machine was a gift from her mother to "us". Even though she doesn't have a clue about how to even turn it on, I will not have something that is essentially "her's" in my house.

Made "Sloppy Joes" and tater tots for supper. Boys had never had them before and I probably hadn't had them since I was their age. Read a Bible story to them, just happened to be when Moses was given the 10 commandments. Had fun trying to explain the "adultery" one, without being snide. They both seem to understand what it means, they thankfully don't seem to understand just how close to home the commandment really hits however.

Have a good night everyone. Hope your week goes well. Please look at your days and find something positive. Let us know what it is, no matter how small.

Son didn't feel too well so we did not go to church. Sneezes, coughs and yuck! But he was in great spirits. Went to get his halloween pics made and they turned out adorable!

Then we met my neighbor and her son for a trek to a pumpkin farm and we had a blast out in the country. The most precious pictures I took! We had a hayride and so much fun. Drank some cider and I bought us some fresh blackberry preserves. Son then came home where he and neighbor (who also had this bug all week long and they probably gave it to each other lol!) played. Son fell out about 2 hours ago and is so cute.

Great day. I am so thankful for my son. He is the greatest blessing if you consider how he entered this world. At two and a half pounds and not too good a prognosis. He is so wonderful and perfectly made. He may have been small at first, but God had really big things in store for him. He is such a livewire even when a cold has got him. He hasn't had any fever today and is doing better.

Oh, and WH Austin called us and asked us to lunch. He attended the church today that son and I are regular visitors at. Can you believe that? I am still praying for him. Praying for all of us and for my friends here daily.

I am praying so hard that one year from now, all of us will have much more to be thankful for than to worry about or to mourn about. That our crying becomes echoes of laughter. That is my prayer for us all.

OOOO....
Tough one today. Trying to find something good is really hard today. Day went ok, but things happened this morning and evening that were not that great.

I guess one thing that was good was that I was able to listen to a CD that used to be my favorite tape about 15 years ago. Not going to tell you what, because you won't believe that a good old Cowboy would listen to such stuff. But I wore my hair tucked up under my cowboy hat. hehehe

Actually brought back alot of memories about the summer after I graduated high school. I taught waterskiing at a lake in Utah called Lake Powell. Anyone who knows this lake knows just how fun it must be to be one of the young kids who work there in the summer. Well I had the best job at the place and I remember listening to this tape while I ran around the lake, dragging old, beer belly guys around half underwater because, "It looks easy enough". haha

Man I loved that job. Maybe I should have stayed. I quit to go to school making an hourly wage of $2.45 and hour plus tips, which were substantial. Funny how a young sunblond kid and a few beers can loosen up those ladies' purses. hehe

Take care. Interview tomorrow. More for me to decide than for them apparently. I am definitely not sure.

Hi all. I haven't posted on this thread before, but I just got home from class tonight, and something nice happened. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Someone (male) that I've known for a long time complimented me on my looks. Said I was looking really good and just wanted to encourage me with that. Boy, did he ever! Other than my best friend's husband, who compliments me quite often (WAY more often than WH EVER did!) that's probably the first time in..well, probably EVER, that I've had a man tell me I look great. I know it's totally superficial, but he actually meant it inwardly as well as outwardly. Anyways, enough said. I'm rambling. Just been very down the past few days, so it felt good to be complimented. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I had a real good thing happen to me today. I play in a football pool that is sponsored by our industry and I won 1st place this week and $100.00. Not bad considering it doesn't cost a thing to get in. I wasn't going to even play this year and my co-worker talked me into it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have a very light patient day tomorrow. So I am taking a half day off to be with son. Getting next door neightbor's son who is my son's best friend for most of the afternoon and we are GOING TO DECORATE OUR HALLOWEEN PUMPKINS TOGEHTER.. Going to Michael's craft store to buy supplies with the kids and we are going to have so much fun and will buy firewood on the way home for my fireplace. Gonna order pizzas after that.

The mystery of halloween is so fun for kids. I am just a big kid myself. Son is so sweet. He woke up and just hugged me today and said that "I am one good mommy". Made me smile inside.

Wow, Even tougher day today to find good in.

Wo0opppsss. Almost broke my own rule about no bad. Good thing I reread the post.

Interviewed today. Went well. I am unsure if my feelings were from the place and job or more likely the circumstances with my lack of someone to share the excitement. I felt none.

Good thing....

Cornmeal battered trout turned out great. Boys ate everything on their plate. Those are my good things, one better than the other. I am not sure which however.

I had to work late. Prepared to work till 8 but got off at 6. Had to pick children up at their dad's. Most of the homework was done. Daughter reviewed math test she didn't get good enough grade on and knew how to do stuff this time.

Son was less argumentative than usual. And, though their father had fed them, they both wanted to eat more. So, we cleaned out the refrigerator.

Was a great evening.

And I asked my bil to work on my clothes dryer on Saturday. If I have the part, he will do it. Probably. Turns. won't heat. Probably heating element. I think I'll ask what else it might be and get everything then take back what he doesn't put in.

While running today I passed the most beautiful tree, all glowing in lush golden hues. I notice this tree everytime I run and the past month it's continually become more glorious. I found myself praising God and realizing that this tree was indeed a gift from God to me! It was a visible reminder to me that even when my world seems torn into filthy shreds, if I just look AWAY from myself, God will reveal His beauty to me. We can also be thankful, and sure of, a loving Father.

Very good thing happened today, but I didn't recognize it until I was at counseling during noon hour. This morning I took my boys to get doughnuts for breakfast. We always try to go for doughnuts on our last morning together for the week (Wednesday).

We were sitting and talking about something when my youngest boy said that he wishes that they could just stay at my house. This is not the good thing, because as much as I would absolutely love that, I know that they need to be with their mother some as well. But on his own, my oldest boy says "I am not sad that you and mom aren't together any more." I asked him what he meant and he said, "Well, I get to spend more time with you than when you were with mom."

Now at first, I felt horrible. I felt that I had failed before because here it took something as drastic as the ending of our marriage for my boy to get what he should have had all along. I felt bad until I went to counseling. I told my counselor and she said that she thought it was great! She said that any 9 year old going through a divorce that could say that must be doing well. She said that it doesn't mean that I didn't give him enough time before, but that he gets even more time now and that all children crave more time. She said that since he was able to share that with me without prompting or anything, that he must be feeling really comfortable with our relationship and with what is going on.

I looked at it a little differently after she said that. I realized that my main goal is my children's future and well being. That although a part of me wants them to be completely and totally miserable and distraught so that I could say "See what you have done.", I also relize that I don't really want that. I just want my boys to be as happy as they can be. I want them to have the most normal existance that is possible. I am doing eveything I can to ensure that and I think that it is paying off. My boys are doing great.

I spoke with my counselor about the whole idea that both boys have now repeatedly said that they wish they could just stay with me. I know that it isn't just because I am easier to be with, because they have both said that I enforce the rules more and are "bossier" than their mom. I think that they just really need stability. I think that they always had that with me, even though they often times wished they didn't I suspect. I would never take them from her forcefully. But I do wonder if she would ever be willing to allow them to come live with me "full time" with visitation of course in the future. I would not want to do that while they are young. I would not want to do that if I thought they were merely trying to manipulate us. But I would want that if they both really wanted to. I would love to have my boys. I don't care about the money of support. I would pay her double full support rather than the half time support/maintenance I pay now, just to be able to have my kids with me all the time.

My counselor is great. She really helps me see the things that are occurring around me. Showing me the obvious when I am so blind. I am very thankful that she is here. Both for me and my boys. I wish my wife would go. I told her I would pay, but as far as I know she isn't going and I doubt that she has any desire to go. Although I bet if she was asked about it she would say it was all because of finances. She would say "we" simply don't have the money. I told her that I would work extra if she wanted to go, but I don't think it is happening. Not for reconciliation, but for her health. I still think she is in a very destructive place for both herself and our boys. But I guess she thinks the same thing about me. But she doesn't realize that I just don't like being around her. That is all. I just don't like being around someone who hurt me so much.

FC-
I'm jumping on the band-wagon!
I used to play Classical guitar and was quite good, and I had left it for many years, playing mostly later on with my brother in a band doing gigs - I played bass guitar-
Now I've taken it up again, bought a new guitar, and have been practising really hard.

The left hand complained a bit, I was concerned with my nail-strength, etc, but yesterday I felt it all come together, as I enjoyed for the 1st time in a while, my own playing again. It won't be long before I'm up to concert level again, if practice goes on this way. I've gotten together with another classical guitarist friend, and we are doing some duets together. I'm really rediscovering one of my 1st loves.

muzohead

Was talking with some of my technologists today. They said that they uniformly vote for me to stay on as staff at the medical center. They said that I am the best doctor they know and not only that but am personable and treat them with respect. They said that "We were talking, and we thought, You know, there is no other staff who treats us as well as he does, and no one would have just sat down and shot the breeze with us like he did yesterday." I just sat down and talked about absolutely nothing for about 15 minutes yesterday. I really enjoy being with the people that I work with in general. My technologists are great, and I really like to be with them. I think I am a technologist in a doctors job. I tend to identify with them much more than the other docs that I work with.

Made me feel good. Now if only the top out salary wasn't less than I would get starting at the other place I would jump at it. I just don't know. I know money isn't everything, but I have worked so long and have so many debts to repay. I want to build my parents a house. I want to get something other than this POS Jeep that I am driving. I want to be able to buy my boys horses. But I also recognize that I have to be happy at work. I just don't know. But I liked the fact that they felt like they could just come out and say that out of the blue.

Helped a guy, patient of mine today find his way back to his wife...Amazing. I am emotionally and physically zonked right now, so read it on Prayer for Wed. Night--cajunky's thread he started. Tells it all.

Had a good day. Son is with wH. Just really tired.

Glad you like your technologists. They are really awesome and cool people. Some would go so far as to say that some are pretty darn cute also...LOL!

Getting off now. Going to have my bubble bath. And a nice glass of merlot which makes the bubbles even better!!!

Quiet night tomorrow. May go for sushi w/one of my girlfriends. She is dating this new guy and I have to get the scoop on it...Am so happy for her!!

Until life takes off for me after d, I will live vicariously through my friend... ha ha..

Good evening all...

Day isn't over yet, but has been relatively slow today. Not much going on at work and afternoon with boys was spent shopping for the "Infamous pants" that caused my wife to melt down the other day. I guess that the best thing that happened today was that I spent most of the time alone just thinking about how my life has changed and coming to terms with alot of the things that have been going on. Seemed to make some progress today.

Also, went out last night. Met this very nice woman that pretty much fits my thoughts for the physical part of my future "perfect" wife. But I didn't take it any farther than a drink. Now that is progress from last week where I about freeked out. We just partnered playing pool with a couple of my friends. I bought her a drink and she ended up giving me her phone number, unbidden. I told her what was going on with me a little, and she said that she had no plans on moving, as I walked out the door. I have no idea about this. I really liked her, but am proud that I was able to just stop long before I got anywhere else. That was a big plus on my part.

But I guess that I kind of feel guilty having her number. Even though I have no plans on calling her at this time. But just having it feels awkward. I almost threw it away half a dozen times as I walked to my car last night. But my friends told me I would be crazy and kill myself later on. They said that I should just file it away and if in the future, things progress and I start dating, that I could always make the decision at that time.

I liked her alot, but I am not sure whether it was because she fit almost perfectly what I would build were I able to build my wife. She seemed pretty smart, although how much can you learn playing a couple games of pool. But she is someone that I think I could take out and learn about sometime in the future.

I was kind of shocked that I approached her last night. She was there with her younger sister who looked almost exactly like her. I broke the ice by being a nut and asking them if one of them would partner with me playing. They had been watching us for a game or two. She stood up and said "Sure, love to." Introduced myself and we played. Talked for about an hour as we played then sat for a while watching her sister play. It was very nice and SAFE feeling. I felt no pressure, and I didn't feel that I was hitting on them. I just really liked talking to someone just about nothing. The best part of it was that she was within my age range 29 !!! Lower end of it, but within it none the less. 5 years is alot, but no more than with my wife and me.

All in all, was a pretty good day. Think that I am going to be OK ater all. Now just have to choose a job. That decision will take a BIG load off my mind. Just having that decision made will allow me to focus more on my future.