God is so good and His blessings have been poured on me this week. I am begining to see so many answers to prayers that I am in such awe of our Lord.

Reading Formerly Confused post from 10/21 brought tears to my eyes.FC writing was so peaceful.I have been praying for God to speak His truth to you(FC). I know that God didn't do this just because I prayed, but I do believe it helped. It is truly awesome when you see God move like this.

I praise God for a pastor that would speak this truth. God is good and it is a wonderful day.

I pray others will find the same peace by putting all their faith in the Lord.

FC,
I have been praying for you because I have felt draw to your post and somehow just believed that
God wanted something more from you.You have put it in His hands and that is worth praise.

gentle

<small>[ October 23, 2002, 01:46 AM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>

Well, the date went pretty good! I don't know if this is a romantic sort of thing, but I have most certainly found a new friend.

I'm a pretty normal person, but I have this "weird" side that likes obscure movies, books, and I look at life from a decidedly different perspective.

This woman shares so many elements of my "weird" side that I'm almost scared! We wound up discussing everything from lucid dreams to paleolithic diets and everything in between.

The most important thing is that I've got another date with her next week!

Good day today. Nothing special at work. Had my boys all weekend and my regular Mon/Tue/- Wed a.m.. Took them for our regular Wednesday morning doughnuts then to school. I am going to miss them over the next 5 days.

Going to "Atlantis" in the Bahamas tomorrow !!! This trip was supposed to be a 'recovery' trip for the both of us that I booked in March at Royal Bahamanian Sandals Resort and Spa but wife pulled the plug on our marriage and I think she thought that I would just eat the cost. I decided to change the reservations to a less couples oriented place.

Will lay on the beach, maybe go diving, deep sea fishing, golf once or twice. Dinner and dancing, No work tomorrow kind of thing. Who knows??? Maybe I can find a "safe" woman to have dinner with. I hate eating alone in restaurants.

Anyway, have a good weekend. I will let you know how mine went next Monday. Take care. Peace be with you. I am still having great and peaceful days since my confrontations with my wife. I hope they continue.

<small>[ October 24, 2002, 12:39 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Well folks,
I am currently in the Bahamas. About 20 minutes from my first real diving. Went snorkeling yesterday and it was wonderful. Having agreat time. Spent the first half day wishing that I was with someone. Continuing to wish that I had my wife with me, but I know that she just has no interest in our relationship any longer. I know she would like to be here, but her being here with me would not be genuine.

I realized on the flight down something that she had said. She said that "I killed her heart. And that "I didn't know how it felt to wake up and realize that what you did would cause things to never be the same again." I think that when I told her I was still having difficulty 4 months after her betrayal when she continued to do things that hurt me so much before, I think that she thought that how she acted and her CURRENT behavior should have nothing to do with how I felt. She couldn't see how much she hurt me by not wearing her ring, and even after repeated reminding, she still would "forget" it. I feel that if she she cared, she would have glued that damn thing on her finger or something. Not repeatedly left it on the counter for me to find. She said she cared, but her actions did not show it. But again "I had no reason to feel bad because of how she treated me", it was only how I treated her that counted. And furthermore, if she was truly committed to our marriage, she absolutely would not have ran back to her man immediately. He was always in her heart. And she wonders why I couldn't get over things. Think about how you would feel if you continually had to deal with those thoughts, then the woman that you were trying so hard to please, was seeing everything through a haze of another affair, currently going on in her mind.

Anyway, Just needed to get that out.

I met someone for dinner last night at the casino. I was playing Roulette and she started watching me. I was up $200 before she came over and I started talking to her and ended up loosing it over the next hour. She said she must have been bad luck and asked if she could buy me dinner to make up for it. She was from a cruise ship. Anyway, we had a nice evening, went dancing and walked around a bit. I didn't let if get any further, but I could have. I am not going to break my vow, even in my heart, I just kept praying that I would stay strong.

I have been praying that I DON'T find anyone here that would be dangerous for me. She was very beautiful and intriguing. A Dentistry student from Texas. She had the darkest, and smoothest skin and most gorgeous brown eyes. But I am not someone who would take her in this way. Now if I met her at home in a few months, that would definitely change. But I still wish that I had someone here with me.

After the first night however, sitting alone at the sushi bar, I realized that I could waste the rest of the time here wishing I was with someone, or use this time to do EXCTLY what I wanted on my own schedule. So I went swimming, beach, spear fishing for spiney lobster with some local teenagers, just went up and asked if I could try. They said sure and I went out and made a fool of myself.

Well called to the boat. See you all later. Hope you are having fun. No time to spellcheck.

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Okay, this is just too good to be true.

A few days ago, I had posted that a friend of mine was trying to set me up with a woman he knows.

Now, he's tried to do this several times already, and it has been a disaster every time! Long story short, I'm really reluctant to have him play matchmaker.

Well, as I said before, he managed to get me into a phone conversation with her, and she seemed nice, so we traded numbers and agreed to meet.

When I quizzed my friend about what she looked like, he was kind of evasive, and said things like "well, she's cute...I guess" and "well, she might be right for you..." and "well, she's got a really nice personality" so I was thinking that she would be a really nice person that I wouldn't be attracted to at all...yes, I'm shallow!

Well, we finally had some free time at the same time, and met for dinner.

SHE'S GORGEOUS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

She's divorced, and we're both about the same place emotionally. Like me, she took time off of dating to re-discover herself. Like me, she's not looking to plunge headlong into a serious relationship. We actually have a lot in common, and wound up talking for a long time.

When it came time to say goodnight, SHE was the one who suggested we get together again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So now (after a long dry spell) I've had two really great dates with two different women in the last week...I'm back in the single life with a vengeance!

Oh, and in case you're wondering:

Date #1 (the woman with whom I have so much in common its scary) ended with a hug.

Date #2 (the drop-dead gorgeous one from tonight) ended with a nice handshake.

Sometimes its tough being a nice guy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Back home this evening.

Had a great trip. started off a bit tough, but I soon realized that I could waste the whole time wishing I had someone with me or I could just do anything and everything that I wanted to on my time schedule.

SO....

I can't believe that I did some of the things that I did, but I had a great time. I went Spiney Lobster spear fishing with 3 local teenagers and their "dad" I think. I was walking on the beach when I saw them getting ready. Snorkles, mask and these funny spear fishing things, not like a gun, but a hollow handle with a big rubber band around the end that the spear fit into.

I watched them go out and after about 10 minutes, one got a lobster. He brought it back to the beach and I looked at it with the dad. The dad asked me if I wanted to try. Out of the blue, before I realized what I had said, I said, 'Sure'.

Well, I went out with them and drank half the Atlantic trying to get under water to see if I could get something. They all laughed at me, but of course, I was very comical. Big white (although tanned) boy out there with these three wirey young kids swimming around like dolphins. Hehe, didn't get anything, but I had a great time for a while.

Spent the next day swimming, laying around, and went on my first real snorkeling adventure. Went out to a reef with a group and swam around for about an hour and a half. That was just fabulous. But I kept seeng these guys with their tanks down where I wanted to be. So I went to the "resort class" the next morning to 'learn to dive". Well it basically consisted of 'This is the weight, it makes you go down; this is the airtank, it lets you breathe; this is the regulator, keep it in your mouth. GOT IT ???'

Hehe, so we go out that afternoon, back to the same reef and I go diving. Man that was absolutely great. After I remembered that not only did I have to breathe in, but OUT as well. A bit of sick feeling at first as I went underwater and they sat me on the bottem. But the guide kept us all together, 4 of us, and we went diving with him in the lead.

"Floundered" hehe, around for a while until I learned how to control myself a bit underwater. But after I got the hang of it, I absolutely fell in love with it. Being face to face with the fish was wonderful. Got some pictures, but havn't developed them yet. I can't wait to get certified and really go diving. That will be great.

Also, had some fun with some other people that I met down there. I just started to talk to people. I don't know why, I have never been a 'talker' before, but since this all happened, I realized that I have alot to share, and that I want to hear about other people as well. Started talking to the people that worked there. They told me where to go and what to do.

Went and had conch salad and conch fritters per Peachy's recommendation as well as a lady working behind the Versace counter. (By the way, I never saw so many absolutely gorgeous women working behind the counters in my life. Every Bahamanian woman with incredible looks must have taken a job at that place.) Seafood Haven was the place, haha about 15 little ramshackle, plywood huts on the dock all looking like they were abandoned, except people were in them. Walked by on the bridge overlooking them and saw that 'Seafood Haven' had the most people sitting at it, so I decided that it must be the best place.

Sat down next to Andrew, I was to learn, the quint-essential Bahamanian looking guy, dreadlocks, big hat, scruffy beard,and absolutely the nicest guy. Asked the ladies behind the counter what I should have. Rachel was the owner/chef and Patrice was kind of the waitress. Both said the fritters and the conch salad, which was what Peachy and the counter girl told me as well. So I ordered a beer and they asked me what I wanted, I asked them, 'What should I have?' They all immediately said 'Kahlik'. Now that is an excellent beer. I wish they had it here. Anyway, after I finished the first beer, Andrew bought me another, completely unbidden. We talked with the whole group of people sitting in front of the place for about an hour. About Colorado and snow mostly. Everyone down there is afraid of snow, and they hear "Colorado" and that is all they can talk about. By the way, NOTHING moves very fast in the Bahamas. It was great. Rachel asked me if I wanted the Conch shells. I told her sure, she cleaned them up for me and I brought them home for my boys. One for the salad and one for the fritters. I saw her "clean" them right in front of me as she was 'preparing' my lunch. She reached into a big tub and took out two conch, still in the shells, and fixed them right there. The conch salad was raw and wonderful.

Anyway, I asked Patrice where I should go that night. Being Friday. She said "The Zoo". She asked me if I wanted her to go along with me, but I thought that probably WOULDN'T be such a good idea. I went back to the hotel and stopped by my information stand, ie Versace, Shanelle had already left, but Jackie was there. I asked her, and she said that The Zoo was a great place, that mostly Local's went to. She said that it had a cover charge, so most of the poor people don't go there. She said that she and some friends were going there Saturday night instead of that night. I said that I might go. She said that I should, and she would watch for me. I walked by the store again Saturday, and Shanelle called out that she would see me at The Zoo that night. Jackie had told her.

I spent the evening in the casino and met a woman from Texas. We had dinner and talked and walked a while. Was very nice.

Saturday, went diving and then a guy in the diving class and I went to "THE ZOO". What a fun time. I think that the locals all had great fun talking with us. Everyone was very friendly and we danced and talked for quite a while. I just feel much more open now than I ever have before. I don't know, just like some change has come over me in the past year, in which I don't have to be ashamed, shy, or embarrassed. I have always been kind of shy and quiet until I knew people, but I relized lately, that I will NEVER meet people if I don't start talking. And realistically, I have yet to be shot down. It is great, just being myself and allowing myself the freedom to talk to people without any preconceived notions about what they will think.

Anyway, long post I know. If you read this far then I am amazed. But I just wanted to tell someone how my time went. And Peachy, I was excrutiatingly "good". Never put myself in a situation in which I was too vulnerable, although I had a couple opportunities, I just never let them materialize.

<small>[ October 27, 2002, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Good day today,

Went to work and received several compliments on my tan. hehe, I was asked several times just where my tans lines (if any) were. I turn kind of more coppery rather than brown when I tan. Told a couple that I did indeed have a tan line, but they would have to pay to see it. Also had a really great conversation about Nassau with one of the consulting pediatricians that I have recently met. She is very nice and I like her alot. She was the one that told me that she left her purse in her office, otherwise she would pay up to see the tan line.

Anyway, had alot of fun, recapping my trip. Everyone was glad that I went, they said that I deserved it, and you know what, I actually agree. I would never have taken it alone unless the circumstances were as they are. But I am very glad that I did go. I met some very nice people. I learned how to approach people and just have fun, without any kind of hinderances. I had fun at a nightclub that I would never have thought I would have enjoyed before. I just feel good and bad at the same time. But the good is winning out, I can feel it. I am stoking it. I am babying it. I am coddling it at every step.

Picked up my kids and all they wanted to do was play and wrestle with me. They didn't even want to eat supper, just keep playing. I guess that is the real reason that I feel so good. I do love my boys so very, very much.

Hope you had as great a day as I have had.

Missed my post yesteday.

Great evening with my boys. Decided to stay in instead of going to the gym as we would normally do. We built our first fire of the year last night. Both boys helped. Then we roasted marshmellows on the fire and made smores. MMMMmmm, MMMMMmmmm. They were yummy. We all had one and my oldest son, ie 'stick boy', had two. Then we turned off all the lights in the house and all three of us laid on the floor in front of the fire and talked about things for about 45 minutes.

I quizzed them on things about fire. And what to do if there was a fire. Then we got on safety with strangers, etc. was very fun evening and apparently educational as well. haha.

Today...

Went and had our Wednesday morning doughnuts as usual. I love this routine. Since Wednesday is the last morning I am with them either until Friday evening or the next Monday evening, we have made a regular thing of doughnuts on our last morning together. I just wish that we could find a better doughnut shop. We tend to go to the grocery bakery and then sit in their deli area. Now the doughnuts are very good, but the atmosphere leaves me wanting. Oh well, the boys always enjoy it. I would just rather have a small place with a waitress or waiter that we could learn his/her name and feel more a part of the place. A huge grocery store is a bit impersonal.

Had some good cases today with very good outcomes. That always makes my day. also just got back from Divorce Care class at church. I tend to feel better after being there. Although I didn't feel bad, I did feel a little bit better after being there.

Also, one of my technologists made me a 'special' carmel apple that she brought in for me. It was amazing. Had great, creamy caramel covered with toffee chunks and white and 'chocolate' chocolate drizzle. Was the first carmel apple I have had in I don't know when. It was great, and a very nice thought.

Take care. Hope you all have as good a day as I have had.

My good thing for the day...

I have decided to stop kicking my own a$$.

My mistakes are behind me. Ahead of me lies the journey of discovering my true self. The deeper I look, the more I like what I see.

Took my two ninjas out for Trick or Treating. Had a good time. my wife and I were actually able to talk a little bit just about little stuff, not us. It was nice. Kind of too nice. I just kept finding myself thinking that "This is how it should be. We should be going home and making hot chocolate afterwards." But I also kept thinking, "one year ago..."

It is so hard to reconcile my feelings. I want and I want, but I don't know what. I see nothing from her, however she was at least nice tonight which is a big change. She apparently very carefully sat several letters to her lawyer out on the counter, seemingly so I could see them. I don't know. I know that if she was coming over, I would put them away, of for no other reason, not to hurt her. But I am not sure whether she meant to leave them out or just is so clueless that she didn't even think about it. Just more of the same passive aggressive type of things that she has always done however.

I had a very good day overall. Have been asked by several residents in the last couple days to stay on as staff so they can learn something. I love teaching, but the salary is just so much less than private that I just cannot figure out what I want to do. But it is nice to hear someone say that they want and need me. Someday I hope to hear that again at home.

Going out tonight. Hoping to have some fun. I can't believe one week ago I was sitting on the beach right now, watching the ocean under the moonlight.

Take care.

<small>[ October 31, 2002, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>