I've been divorced since the end of February.
Recently, my ex has interfered with a relationship (1 month old ), with a woman I met through a mutual friend of mine & the ex's. The Ex started making demands of me, had an argument, then claimed she needed to resolve the issue of our "friendship", to the extent of breaking down in tears, shouting at me, insulting me, etc.

It got so bad, that she called me while I was at GF's house, and insisted that I come over to her, so we could "resolve" the issue between us. Because of all the disrespect she showed me, I had cooled off toward her, and said that we could no longer have a close friendship, if that's how she treated her friends. She said she valued the fiendship we had, and that she was heart-broken over the end of it. She gets highly emotional, and I went over to her. I explained to GF all that was happening.

When I got to EX, all she told me was pretty much what she had told me before, in other words, it could have waited. I feel she was just trying to show GF the power she had over me. GF agreed.

I was angry, and did not see how ex could remain a "friend, telling her that we should rather just retain a friendly & cordial relationship. My ex insisted on telling me how I had "hurt" her, by not telling her of relationship with GF(?).
( bit of background, my ex has just broken off with her BF, that she had when we got divorced. She broke down & cried in her friends arms, telling her that amongst other things, that the divorce had not been her idea (?), to such an extent, that the firend, a mutual friend to us both, told me that she saw the 2 of us together again at some point(?) )

So I saw all of this in the context of my EX trying to "muscle in " between me & the new GF. I told GF. After a lot of back & forth arguing & e-mailing, my ex FINALLY agreed that we both stay out of each other's affairs. The VERY next day, she asked her firend, to relay a message to my GF, that she was "fine" with the relationship with me, and she had "no problem" with it, and I had given her the impression that she was trying to come between us. Net result: at lunch the following day, my GF tells ME, that I am manipulative, amongst other things. I get so fed up, I tell her it's OVER. ( I'm shortening this a bit)

That night ( happens to be GF's birthday), my EX & her friend VISIT the GF, where the ex re-iterates what she had told before. I am FURIOUS, and demand at least an apology from ex, who had just promised to stay out of my business. This story could go on forever, but to cut it short, I am done with ex & friendship, and done with GF.

Regrettably, after son's birthday party, (the next day), I end up staying late, and have sex with ex, us having made up at party. ( mended fences, basically). She says only sex, since she hasn't had any in 5 months. I think just her way of telling me that she hadn't slept with her BF (don't know whether I can believe this ). She knows my R with GF was without sex. She is adamant about only sex, not making love, and leaves me without satisfaction after her O.( can I say that here?). I am so conflicted, it's devastating. I still have feeling for her, but am concerned that this is just a reaction to her not having anyone, and me having a GF.

All comments welcome. ( sorry about the lehgth)

muzohead

I hope you learned the valuable lesson that there is no way that you can truly be 'friends' with an xW that cheated on you and caused the dissolution of your M. Oh you can be cordial and a little bit friendly, but if you want to move on with your life, then your xWW should have no place in your personal life. If she can not show respect and restraint in not meddling in your personal life then I suggest that you avail yourself of the court system and file a restraining order against your xWW.

I have a strange feeling that subconciously you may have enjoyed your xWW squirm over the fact that you had a GF because you still have strong feelings for your xWW, otherwise you wouldn't have ended your R so abruptly after your GF accused you of being manipulative, and had sex with your xWW.

TMC-MAN:

Thanks for a quick answer.
Yeah, that's about right. Although I would say more the fact that she & OM broke up! That made my day. I didn't really enjoy her meddling, though.
What I'm really concerned about is what she may or may not feel for me, and what she really wants from here on. More importantly, I should say, is how I behave from here on.

I've approached her too many times in the past only to be faced with rejection. I know I should stay the hell away, but in reality, she could always get under my skin (obviously literally, as well) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm formulating responses, and I have to be on my toes so I'm not fooled by her. (she's VERY good at catching one napping). I really don't know how to handle the emotional blackmail when it comes: this is her last resort, and in our M, she even threatened suicide once. This is a really hard thing to counter, or deal with. She knows I'm a "softy", so this tends to work with me. Try as I might. The last attempt I made at avoiding it, was to enlist the help of a girlfriend of hers, only to find she used the GF to pass messages, and got to me that way.

I need to strengthen resolve, I know. Just venting, & mad at myself!

muzohead

Hi MUZOH! Sorry you're experiencing the "Well I don't Want Him But I'll Be Dam*&ed If Somebody Else Can Have Him" Syndrome. Your ex is going to screw around with you (literally) to keep your life on a RollerCoaster because - although she didn't want you and had the Affair on you - she doesn't want anybody else to have you either. Hasn't had sex in 5 months, huh? What happened to her OM? Perhaps your wife is mad (at herself) because she realizes what/who she lost? At any rate, my Friend, I think I would have to treat her something like those 'skeeters that are carrying the West Nile Virus - get as far away from them as possible! So, BREAK the emotional tie you have with your ex by telling her that since she is NO LONGER your Mate, that you are NO LONGER responsible for her - she chose to destroy your Marriage and she needs to move on and find somebody else to be responsible for her. You are responsible for YOU and your children.
My ex-wife gave me He!! for just calling an old girlfriend of mine - after we divorced. Never mind she was engaged BEFORE we divorced each other: she was dating this dude 2 months before I moved out of our house and this OM was still married!! My ex became very unreasonable, so I had to put a stop to it.
Because she had totally turned both our kids against me, I felt not one single qualm about leaving her and our kids up there in Frozen Fairbanks, Alaska, while I moved to Sunny & Hot Texas, where I bask in the hot semi-tropical climate here. I felt it necessary to totally burn that bridge. However, since you are still in contact with your child(ren), I would do the EMOTIONAL bridge-burning if I were you. Don't let your ex continue to screw up potential relationships of yours. It's NONE of her business now what you do - you are NOT responsible for her! You are responsible for YOUR and YOUR CHILD's well-being and not your ex's.
Harold

Hi DJ-T Bird!

You wanna know what the worst is? I think she has really pulled the wool over her girl-friend's eye's, and we always had a good friendship. Looks like that one's shot to hell, as well. She has the friend believing that she is remorseful & sorry & O-So-Sad over the divorce, and wants me back. She knows I have friendship with F, so she uses it.

It's useful to know that I'm not alone in this experience, though. Yours sounds like a horror story.
...I really don't know if they do this deliberately or not..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My ex became very
unreasonable, so I had to put a stop to it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My now ex GF says I need to DO SOMETHING. Right now the only thing I can think of is to let her believe that we are the best of friends. Any attempt at breaking it off has the effect of driving her into a frenzy, trying to FORCE a friendship with me. I can see it headed the same direction as yours. I hope I don't have to move: I quite like Cape Town.

muzohead

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by muzohead:
<strong>Hi DJ-T Bird!

You wanna know what the worst is? I think she has really pulled the wool over her girl-friend's eye's, and we always had a good friendship. Looks like that one's shot to hell, as well. She has the friend believing that she is remorseful & sorry & O-So-Sad over the divorce, and wants me back. She knows I have friendship with F, so she uses it.

It's useful to know that I'm not alone in this experience, though. Yours sounds like a horror story.
...I really don't know if they do this deliberately or not..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My ex became very
unreasonable, so I had to put a stop to it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My now ex GF says I need to DO SOMETHING. Right now the only thing I can think of is to let her believe that we are the best of friends. Any attempt at breaking it off has the effect of driving her into a frenzy, trying to FORCE a friendship with me. I can see it headed the same direction as yours. I hope I don't have to move: I quite like Cape Town.

muzohead</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi MuzoHead! Thanks for the reply. Yep, it was a horror story alright, but I've read others on these Boards that make mine look like a Sunday School Picnic. I'm sorry she managed to destroy that budding relationship with your GF. So, let your ex go into a frenzy. Maybe a Restraining Order might set her mind straight that you are DONE playing her stoopit gameZ. She will play you like a guitar until she literally wears you out. If she suddenly 'now goes into a frenzy' because you're breaking it off, then tell her, "Hello? breaking it off. Perhaps you, ex-wife could explain to me what our divorce was??! Why YOU cheated on me. Where's your OM now? Just leave me alone - I needed you when we were married but you had the affair on me and then kicked me to the curb like cheap trash. Now all of a sudden you 'need me' - well, I DON'T THINK SO. This is YOUR choice, so YOU live with it." I think that might get her attention. She's acting like a child and therefore needs to be treated like one. She's sucking YOU for her emotional needs - basically, she wanted to have the Affair - then DUMPED you for some other guy, then suddenly needs you back?? Wrong answer. It's HER bed she made - so let her lay in it. Take a stand - you are your own man and responsible for WHO you choose to have relationship with - you've been trying to move on - just because your wife wants to hamstring you is no reason to let her. Oh sure, my ex used the Courts to hassle me all she could. Once I put the Facts out on a Official Response to the Judge - in effect, making her look like the petty, vindictive, trifling little brat she is - the Judge took one look at it and threw her Motions into the trash. Haven't heard from her since - and that was nearly a year ago. (Can you say Legally Embarrassed?) Of course, I'm NOT letting my guard down till mid 2004 when our remaining son graduates from high school - and then the Court Order for Child Support ends. She will keep this crap up until YOU stop it - take drastic measures if necessary - your ex is doing nothing but playing "poor 'lil me I need your help" ATTENTION-GETTING GameZ with you.
Take a stand and end her BS now.
Good luck and hang in there!
Harold

Phew!
Glad to have the benefit of your experience DJ! I actually told my GF at the break-up lunch, that I saw my ex going to depression, losing job, having fight with landlord, and eventually moving in back with ME!..if this continued, or if I continued to challenge her, and NOT make her believe that she had the upper hand in the R ((????))((!!!)). Sounds strange, but I don't know if you know what I mean.

But thanks, pal. So either I move, or I get a court order. GREAT! more drama. Drama I don't need. But yeah, if that's what it takes.....

muzohead

And you wonder why, with all the 'qualities' our xWW's possess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , their OM's dumped them?

muzohead,

DJ T-Bird wrote: "She will keep this crap up until YOU stop it - take drastic measures if necessary - your ex is doing nothing but playing "poor 'lil me I need your help" ATTENTION-GETTING GameZ with you.
Take a stand and end her BS now."

AMEN! She is only trying to drag you back into the vicious cyckle of YOU meeting HER needs, and her giving nothing back in return. Doesn't the sex thing say it all??? She pleased herself and then discarded you without regard to your own needs and satisfaction.

This woman is not interested in re-initiating a mutually satisfying relationship with you. She only wants what SHE wants - nothing more.

"Hurt me once - shame on you. Hurt me twice - shame on me." Have nothing to do with her and her manipulations. Deal only n the matter of children and nothing more. That also goes for her "high strung emotional state" - it belongs to her - not you.

Stay strong! RMA

Muzo,
I don't know quite what to say. I am an 'XWW', and I am trying to repair my marriage--after divorce. I've never even set foot in my XBS's apartment, and I don't meddle in his life at all. I used to send him cards to let him know how much I loved him, cards that begged for forgiveness--but I quit that as he told me he felt 'pressured'. When I was sending 'friendly' emails , he'd rarely even respond, so I decided to leave him alone that way, too.

I understand your XWW probably finally feels the great pain of what she's done. I would tell her not to 'triangle' any of your communications--no go-between 'friends' , etc. That just doesn't sound good to me. Also, have you considered caller ID or an answering machine? If these methods don't work , I would get a restraining order.

Finally, I know that all of us WW's all lied and cheated. But please, BS's , don't paint us all with the same exact brush! Some of us truly see how selfish, horrible, and destructive we behaved...and we're living daily to try and prove to others that we are the kind people we were once perceived to be. The guilt of what I did is truly devastating, as it should be.

Hope thing improve for you...
H_P

Hopeful Person

We are NOT painting ALL WS's with the same brush, just muzohead's, DJ T-Bird and mine. I'm sorry if we gave you that impression. I have the upmost respect for xWS such as yourself, Krisee, Khyra, Hope4Future, Vee, etc. that have seen the light of their mistake and made noble efforts to atone for their betrayal. But what we've got with our WW's and xWW's are people that have seriously mental problems that they have not been willing to address and have caused untold suffering to all those that have loved them even after the divorce. It's not so much the betrayal that is an issue now, but the meddling into our personal lives after we have moved on without them. If we're blasting them now it's only because of this last point and not because we still harbor resentment for their betrayal.

Thanks, Coffeeman. Your words are appreciated. I guess I was a bit defensive here--you didn't upset me---didn't mean to sound like that.

Hope things work out for you, Muzo. I was thinking about it --maybe since your divorce was final in February, it might be a good idea to take a break from all dating for awhile, so all the dust can clear from the divorce. Just a thought.

Hopeful

Hopeful Person:
Thanks esp to you for the response. Like TMC-Man, I admire the courage of ex WS's posting on this forum. No, we do not paint you all with the same brush. In fact, part of us have a bond with you, hoping that our ex spouses were just a little bit like you, and could overcome the guilt, so as to effect reconciliation.
On the dating thing: well, this woman I dated recently…..she was just so nice & everything, and has disappointed me so much through this episode with EXWW, that I'm actually put off women for quite a while. I can actually see how normally rational & sensible & caring men can turn into "dogs" and just end up using women. It's easy to become despondent & cynical.

TMC-Man-
Yeah, the thought has struck me-, but I can't help still feeling sorry for her- it's so HARD to be HARD-hearted

Roll Me Away-
It's useful having you and DJ-T Bird give a good clear perspective on what's happened, so I can do what I know I need to. Much appreciated. It's so easy to be drawn back into that emotional cesspool of all that is dark & gloomy. Thanks for the reminder on the sex thing- you see, I mentioned it in my post, but I've already forgotten about it, so to speak. I shouldn't.

muzohead

Muzo my friend...Sounds just like what Austin did last month. And last week when he IM'd me and started asking/prodding saying ridiculous statement that I am in relationships with 3 other guys...Saying, "Cmon, we are friends now, you can tell me these things". Then came the sx innuendo.

I agree w/DJT in that they are prolific cake eaters right now. Not at all close to being or asking forgiveness or taking the necessary actions it would take for us to even consider any sort or a miniscule reconciliation. They are probably wanting to test the waters out there. Keep us on the back burner in case their new found dream of being single backfires. And it usually does..I am not being cruel here at all to our friends who have walked out of the fog and into reality and found new friends like us here to help them as they try to find their way back to their families, I am just stating facts as it relates to our situations.

Austin is probably baking a huge cake right now. About every four to six weeks he attempts some kind of carnal escapade. And usually I do not oblige as unfortunately I did last month.

Marie Antionette is dead now. She can no longer tell anyone to "let them eat cake". In fact, wasn't she the BS of Henry vIII who was such a cake eater that he had seven or so wives? Don't let that phrase slip outta your mouth either. I am going to guard mine. Last time I fed Austin cake was at our wedding. I am not feeding him anymore. Like the sign at zoo: do not feed the WS's. Cake gives them a bigger craving for the funky fog.

And please apologize to your GF. She is probably just wanting to know you care and if you in fact do, reassure her. In a wierd sense, xWW is kinda like a cheater again, enticing you to "cheat" behind the back of this new friend in your life. She has contact with this girl and she may bring up something like, "I am so sorry to interfere. Just want you to know that we are not going to sleep together anymore.." Or something to allude to it.

Just playing devil's advocate because I am sure Austin would do something just like that..

It is ok. You were caught in a "family" snapshot. That transient, brief feeling of being a family again. Feeling is overwhelming sometimes. We know things are not the same, but we wish our families could somehow mend again but better than before. Why? Because we took our vows seriously. Good news is you can again. If xWW never truly leaves fog then that is HER problem; not your problem. Keep moving ahead as you are doing so well. Either she will run ahead to catch up with you or she will forever spend her time eating lots of cake in the fog.

I like to see my cake when I eat it. Fog isn't the greatest way to do that. Prefer cake by candlelight myself..lol!

Absolutely sick! Reading your post-absolutely sick!! GIRFRIEND-WIFE! What is it like at your house_YOU ARE MARRIED ORYOU ARE NOT_RIGHT??? If you have agirlfriend-YOU CANT HAVE A WIFE!!!
If you have a wife-YOU CANT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!! IS THAT SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT!!!????

ezra,

perhaps you should take your medication.

What is it like at your house_YOU ARE MARRIED ORYOU ARE NOT_RIGHT???

Obviously since the first line of his post says he is DIVORCED, he is talkng about his EX, he is NOT married.

If you have agirlfriend-YOU CANT HAVE A WIFE!!!
If you have a wife-YOU CANT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!! IS THAT SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT!!!????
Obviously it IS that hard to figure out...

<small>[ September 30, 2002, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ezra:
<strong>Absolutely sick! Reading your post-absolutely sick!! GIRFRIEND-WIFE! What is it like at your house_YOU ARE MARRIED ORYOU ARE NOT_RIGHT??? If you have agirlfriend-YOU CANT HAVE A WIFE!!!
If you have a wife-YOU CANT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!! IS THAT SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT!!!????</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh ezra, did you read the first line of his first post in this thread "I've been divorced since the end of February."? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

FYI...Marie Atoinette was married to Louis XVI. She was beheaded during the French Revolution! What does this say about the cake eaters!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Marie Atoinette was married to Louis XVI. She was beheaded during the French Revolution! What does this say about the cake eaters!!
Not much. But it does say that if you're the King, you have the power to chop off heads.

Louis XVI was guillotined on January 21, 1793.

or what goes around, comes around?

Oh one more thing ezra. The sex he had with his xWW happened AFTER he broke off with his GF. Sure it was a dumb move on muzohead's to have sex with his xWW but HE HAD no more GF at that point in time to consider the sex an act of betrayal on his part.