Need opinions please... I have been lurking for a while and just started posting bits and pieces of my situation. I am really needing to let this out and could really use some feedback. It's long so thanks in advance for reading.
Ex moved out about 2 months ago. We were engaged for 5 yrs., have 2 beautiful sons (4 yrs. & 9 mo.) but $ (the lack of anyhow), work, history of bad past relationships (for both of us), lack of communication, and me basically being a spoiled brat got the better of us. After the kids came, things totally went to he**. We argued all the time and eventually, every arguement ended with me telling him to go. Obviously, this time he did. W/in 24 hrs. of leaving he had a new GF living w/ him. (Long story... she apartently gets off on being passed around amongst friends).
I know he is not happy and doesn't really care anything about her. He can't, literally, he doesn't even KNOW her. I understand why she is there, he is one of the most giving (and naive) people I have ever known but has low self-esteem. She is very needy (big time loser, actually) - no car, no money, no place to live. I went through a phase where I was around people like that - sometimes when you are feeling so low, being around people lower than you makes you feel a little better about your own problems and you feel like you can help them but in the long run you get taken advantage of.
He rarely initiates contact with me or the kids unless I call him first (which is partly just the way he is). Is very quick and eager to say that this was my choice but he actually brought it (leaving) up this time (he's hurt and trying to get a reaction out of me - not working though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Anyhow, I started to Plan A about a month ago after reality punched me in my face and showed me that I had played a far greater role in our downfall than I had been willing to admit. I think he is starting to warm up to me some and the walls are coming down a little. But I often find myself stumbling when I get nervous/scared/insecure/disappointed. I don't want him to feel pushed by my constantly calling him or visiting him at work (he works practically alone in the middle of nowhere so me being there isn't really an issue) and I won't call him at home unless it's urgent with the kids. So far he's rejected the idea of coming home and I don't want to discuss us with her around if he's going to reject me. He keeps saying he doesn't want to come home because he doesn't want to risk things being like they were before. I am trying so hard to right the things I did wrong, make myself a better, less selfish and controlling person, and save our relationship but with such limited contact it is so hard to put into action what I've learned and be consistent and stay strong with it. I love my Ex so much and love him more now that I see what I put him through and he still stuck w/ me and put up w/ my crap. I miss him terribly and our sons miss him 10 times more. My family and friends think I'm crazy for wanting to work things out. But they don't know quite how things really were - just my side of things, which usually came when I was PO'ed about things not going the way I thought they should. They are very supportive of me and tell me I did everything I could, I didn't do anything wrong and I am better off etc., bless their hearts for trying, but I feel like that just fuels my "need" to think everything has to be my way. But I DIDN'T do everything I could to be there for him/listen to/understand him when we were together. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
The places where I stumble have to do with him taking the kids on the weekend. The GF is BAD NEWS - mental history, drug history, has an 8 yr old & a 4 yr old that she doesn't have custody of (different fathers, not that it really matters but the point is she keeps having kids and keeps losing custody of them so something can't be right!) and frankly anyone like that has no business around my kids! Even if the stories are rumors (and some come very reliable sources so not all are false) it'd be like saying it's OK to allow your children around someone
rumored to be a child molester. I think not. When it comes to their safety, rumor is enough. Even if she was my neighbor and not the OW I wouldn't let the boys anywhere near her. It is not that I don't trust him, I don't trust her. She doesn't take care of her own kids, she certainly isn't going to look out for mine. I asked him how he would handle things if she freaked out on him when the kids were around. He didn't have an answer. Honestly, he wouldn't know what to do - nothing against him he just doesn't react to high pressure situations well. He doesn't defend her to me at all and at my lowest (before I got my dose of reality) I've called her every name in the book trying to get some kind of reaction. Obviously, this is a source of great tension for me and have I hard time keeping calm when the topic comes up. Although he has been very agreeable with our current arrangement and there's not much to argue about there anymore. Unless he doesn't come home and she doesn't go away, that is. I know it sounds like a contradiction in attitude but I can't give on this and he knows we agreed that we didn't want our kids around that type of people. If it wasn't for the kids, he could date Charles Manson and there would be nothing I could do but wish him good luck (although I think Plan A would be kind of useless there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). It is literally for their safety. Anyhow, how do you keep from totally screwing up and by pure accident, reverting back to bad habits?? Any tricks for keeping your cool? When I am with him/talking to him I am focusing so hard on trying to use all I've learned (and boy has it been alot!) but before I know it something stupid slips out. And as soon as I say it, I know it was wrong and try to fix it but usually it has already done its damage. I feel like I am blowing it completely and get so discouraged. I am trying so hard to "Turn over a new leaf" (get it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) but I think I am succeeding more at losing my mind! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I have an appt. to meet with the lawyer this Friday to discuss having our visitation agreement filed with the court. I do not want to do this at all. It makes the whole separation feel so final. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But I know it has to be done if he's not coming back. I know he feels threatened by this. It is in all our best interests. It guarentees him rights to the children (can't predict the future) and provides documentation of custody since we were never married. If something were to happen to me, the kids would become wards of the state until someone came forward without it. An Order of With-holding will be filed so that Child Support is deducted from his check. I can't predict the future and if he doesn't come home and we each move on, neither of us is going to want to deal with having to face each other to give/get the money. He is starting to realize that this is not about trying to hurt him (I think) but for all our protection. Had to reschedule the appt. once already... baby got sick - never have I been so relieved to have a sick child. I was on the phone w/ him with last minute jitters about going when I got the call from daycare. Like to think that that was a sign. We were having a really good conversation but it got interrupted and by the time I picked up the kids, got home and got privacy the walls were back up. I have to be willing to let him go and if he's going this is part of it. It SUCKS!!! No other way to put it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I am dreading Friday with everything in me. I keep trying to remember what will be will be but I pray it will be us. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Thanks so much for listening.
