Well, things here seem to keep getting worse. After my STBXH decided he didn't want to work on things again he has been sprinting to the finish line like an athlete in training. Last Wednesday was his visitation night with our son (2 1/2). I went out for a bite and a few beers..alone...and was gone from about 8 until midnight. DS climbed out of his crib (at STBXH's apartment) and fell and broke his wrist. STBXH tried calling me at home and on my cell which was dead. He was furious he couldn't reach me and assumed I was out having "sex with strangers".

So, he goes and consults a lawyer who gets him worked up and tells him I don't have grounds for any of my spousal support since I have a degree and he is ready to turn over the house (which isn't selling due to a bad real estate market) to the IRS to pay off a huge tax bill, put me on the street, son in daycare and me to find a job all because he thinks I've been "waiting" for him to screw up (have the affair) and when he finally did I am enjoying the good life living in the house, going out, sleeping around, etc. because I'm "rid" of him all while he felt "guilty" for what he did!

I did manage to talk a little sense into him and we made some compromises but my position is definatley not as good as it had been and I don't know how long he'll last this time. ARGH!!! It just makes me want to scream!!

So I have a few questions. I'm meeting with my lawyer but not til later this week and my mind is racing. If anyone knows the answers that is great or of knows of a good website to look on that would be cool to. I'm just anxious. You know how it is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

1) I was looking at tax consequences next year. To file head of household it says that you have to pay for at least half the expenses. If all my income is through almimony does that mean I do not qualify?

2) STBXH has decided he wants more visitation. Keep in mind son is only 2 1/2. He wants the schedule to be every other weekend (Fri 5pm - Sun 5pm), every Monday overnight and every Wednesday overnight. I think the Monday overnight is too much back and forth. He doesn't. I would prefer just monday evening like 5-8. Does anyone have a toddler? Is this too much? Plus I'm skeptical he's using this extra night (Mondays are the addition) to possibly gain almost 50% time and would that hurt my possible head of household?

Thanks,
Hopeful in AZ

<small>[ September 30, 2002, 01:59 AM: Message edited by: Hopeful in AZ ]</small>

First of all I am sorry for your troubles.

As a father, I think that he should have equal right to raising your child. The fact that your child is over 2 means that he is no longer completely dependent upon you for his upbringing, ie no breastfeeding. I am sorry that your child broke his wrist. That is indeed unfortunate. And I have no sympathy for him and his affair at all. But as bad as it feels and as bad as all this is, think about the wellbeing about your child and his future.

I absolutely do not excuse your husbands behavior and it may truly be that his morals and thoughts are not good for your child. But as much as I hate it, your child still needs his father.

If you are thinking more about your head of household status, then I think that this reason for keeping your son is wrong. I don't believe that ANY REASONS other than the good of your child should be utilized when making visitation decisions. There are too many reasons for divorcing couples that could be used to "keep" their children from the other. THIS CAN NOT BE.

I agree that the option of Mon and Wed may be tough. A compromise may be similar to what I have in that I have my boys every Mon/Tue and every other Fri/Sat/Sun. It is 50% but it is only because I won't accept anything less and it truly is in my boys best interests. I personally think that they would be better off with me more, but I will not try to push this thought. If they end up having difficulty then I might push it. But for them, NOT ME.

I urge you to search your heart and determine what reasons you want or don't want your child to be with him. What reasons do you have and what reasons are truly for your child versus for you.

This is not to sound critical, but just to point out that other considerations such as alimony and taxes should play NO PART in visitation in my opinion.

H in AZ -

First of all - don't let H's words scare you.

It's typical of someone in his position to get angry and try to get control over you through fear.

Try to stay calm - I know it's hard. Try to scale back communication with him - use the rule, if you can't say something nice don't say it at all.

Less communication is definitely better.

He'll calm down, and it's good to try and make amends but don't back down legally.

Your attorney will be able to advise you and be sure to bring with you a list of questions and concerns to be answered. You may want to start makign a list of his past involvement with your child - his attitude, his activities with him, his cooperation with you concerning parenting issues.

Believe it or not, my Ex only wanted custody half the time so that he would not have to pay as much child support - no offense to Formerly Confused, but his perception is coming from a BS who has a good moral head on their shoulders. WS's don't always think as rationally and for some kids it is better that they have another male role model than the poor example of a father in their lives. My Ex's fathering consists of - go play in your room, go play outside, - just go away. Now, you can't tell me that loving time wit ha grandfather or uncle actually interacting with the children would not be at least as good for the children as this attitude from their dad. Some dads are just not interested! As well as some WS moms. I think that it's partly the mindset - if the WS is so selfish as to act the way they are, how are we supposed t oexpect that they will magically become unselfish and put their kids above themselves. It just doesn't happen very often. At least from my experience.

You can always ease your H into more and more time with your son, and see how both son and dad are doing with the increased time. Sometimes - and I've found this to be true in my own experience - once you tell the other party that they can have all this time, they suddenly don't wnat it and they are calling you all the time to give some of their time back.

It's mostly about control right now. If you can make H seem like he has control with you really being in control then he'll feel secure and you'll get what you need.

Just try to stay calm. Get the legal advice that you need. Don't take what he is saying too personally and just nod and say sounds good or some other bland non committal answer that will appease him for the moment - a reverse fogeese.

When you let him rile you up then you are letting him have control over you. Don't let him. '

Good luck. K

<strong> I absolutely do not excuse your husbands behavior and it may truly be that his morals and thoughts are not good for your child. But as much as I hate it, your child still needs his father.

If you are thinking more about your head of household status, then I think that this reason for keeping your son is wrong. I don't believe that ANY REASONS other than the good of your child should be utilized when making visitation decisions.</strong>

FC, I understand where you are coming from and I agree with the need for a father's involvement. I have had no problems at all and have always tried to encouraged it. My reservations come from the fact that just two weeks ago he didn't want Monday visitation at all (we had been doing every other Monday for dinner, bath, bedtime at my place) and had no problems with his possibility of moving out of state for work. Now all of the sudden after he talks with a lawyer he wants more involvement - every Monday overnight? I can't help but question his motivations.

I was just worried that the constant spleeping in a different place would not be good at his age.

Thanks for the response. I'll see what he thinks of the Monday/Tuesday option.

Hopeful in AZ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by God is in Control:
<strong>
Try to stay calm - I know it's hard. Try to scale back communication with him - use the rule, if you can't say something nice don't say it at all.
.
.
.
When you let him rile you up then you are letting him have control over you. Don't let him. '
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">K,

Thanks. You are right. I re-read your words tonight and it is so much clearer. I really think that is what he was tryingto do. He wanted to just scare me, rile me up and see what I would do. He didn't even retain the lawyer, just consulted.

Plus, tonight was to be the first night of his Monday visitations and he called around noon and asked if he could skip because he was busy and took a double dose of his meds and felt weird. Then Sunday when he has him he is planning on leaving him with his sister so he can go golfing.

Oh, and his holier-than-thou attitude about my dating after the papers were filed hold no water because I found out he is back talking/developing a relationship with the OW and planning on cooking her and her sister Thanksgiving dinner. I won't let him know I am aware, however, because it may be just another way to get back at me.

I have an appointment with my lawyer Wednesday a.m. and also am attending a free seminar Thursday by a Divorce Financial Planner about the "Top 10 Money Mistakes of Divorce" which should be interesting.

Thanks for the help and air time,
H in AZ

Hopeful in AZ:

Every alternate weekend is pretty standard, but the Monday & Wednesday overnight is too much for the kid, IMHO. Too much ferrying up & down, I agree with you.

Why not compromise? Allow him to visit the kid on Mon & Wed at your place , he could even read a story, and tuck the kid into bed.

Confront him on the issue of leaving the kid with sister on his week-end with the kid.

muzohead