Wallace:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's as when they were small children around a hot stove. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Poor analogy!!

1) she is not a small child anymore. .
don't treat her like a child. . . treat her like an adult. . . . . even adults make poor decisions. . . but one learns these lessons from doing, not by lecture or following someone else's dictate. . .

2) she is not in any physical danger like with the stove. . . she has just chosen a different direction that you had hoped. . . she may not even get hurt. . .

3) just keep the lines of communication open, and respect her as an adult who you should have taught be now, how to make good decisions. . . . if not, then it up to her to learn the lessons herself. . .

wiftty

Hi wiftty,

You didn't like my analogy?

Not only am I char-broiled, I'm being burnt to a crisp.

That's O.K., I respect your thoughts and I agree with all that was said in your last post... except for this one word and it's variation I keep seeing.

"dictates" and "dictator"

I'm not sure why that is.

As I am very much against any form of a dictatorship... hence the name Wallace, as in William Wallace.

Thanks for listening.

Stay Strong!

Wallace



I

Hi Wallace, I want you to know I'm with you on your stand and what you believe. I truly understand your position as a father who loves his D and the Lord. In looking at what you say, you sacrificed so much for your wife and family only to find the devil steal it away. Today you stand on the Word of God even greater for what you can salvage and having your D is your treasure and who wants to lose that, so yes, A christian man will rise to the challenge and stand up for whats right according to the word of God and his promises.

While God gives our kids desires of what they want to be in life, God also gives the Dad and Mom the vision and cultivating love and understanding to make it happen and prosper. When something comes along such as what your daughter is doing, the problem is, its not part of the plan or vision.

Look at Tigers Woods, Serina and Venus Williams, their parents kept the vision to see there kids succeed.

Control and Dictatorship weakens and disables a person to bondage and fear, never to have confidence in themselves....Empowerment,Encouragement with disciplen makes you the very best you can be, thats all you want for your Daughter.

Wallace God has placed you as an overseer of your daughter and no one else, its not control or dictatorship but a fathers love to see his love one fulfill his or her destiny in life, only you know what you saw in her all those years when she was born. I know many people who said they wish there father had more involvement in there lives....Look at our prisions and jails, full of people without the love they needed. I think I rather overlove and be mistaken for caring too much than have a D or S say you didn't care or was never there....My heart breaks when I see women in prison, its the nearest place to hell on earth as you can get....You'll find a lot of women there got hooked up with the wrong guy, no guidence and there they are...and most have the same story, nobody cared!! Thats why we Jerry Springer shows people with lost morals and values.

Wallace you're only doing what the father of the prodigal son did, the son said I want out of here I'm my own man give me my money now,the father gave the son the money,the son left home, the son went and slept with people he shouldn't have, the son blew the money and became homeless,then came to himself while in the pigpen, all the while the father waited in love, the son said I'll go back to my fathers house thats when I had it better than now, for he loves me....You gave your Daughter $9,000 her small inheritance, she left home, she's sleeping with someone against your will, It'll become her pigpen oneday, she'll come to herself oneday, she knows where home is, be patient. As the father never lost his love for his son, neither are you for her, your house is always ready to celebrate her return home, Yes, he cut financial support, also while son was at his lowest nobody would give him anything either.

Sounds like a child Plan B to me....Luke 15:9

When my daughters come her to visit its going to be the biggest party for them they ever experienced, they don't know it, but when that day comes its going to knock there socks off, but nothing I can do until they desire to come. Right now they're in the pigpen with there Mom my xWW, oneday they get big enough to climb out from under her and come home.

So this flamed attack that you have encountered from a certain person is not from God but its from some other source...If you notice its all "Accusation" attacking your character for you wanting to keep your vision and your daughter from Sin, its amazing its says you're wrong for wanting that for your D, as you see the devil has fought for your D a long time since she was very young......It dislikes your authority, don't back down or bargin with the devil to false accusation or false guilt trying to back you in a corner.....Keeping Praying and STAY STRONG!!

Isaiah 54:

17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.

Hi EC,
You took the words right out of my mouth... I couldn't have said it any better.
I have fought the good fight, as you well know.
My family and I have been through more than I ever could possibly imagine.
The battle still rages on...this unfortunately is far from over.
I stand with the full armour of God on.
If I waiver or back slide, the cost will be even greater than it already has been.
Your children will eventually see the truth.
I know this from first hand experience.
It took my three children a few years to see what truly was the truth,
They have thanked me numerous times for not giving up as a parent, and as a father.
As a parent, IMHO, that is one of the greatest rewards you could possibly receive from your children.
I know you look forward to the day that your daughters come to visit with you.
I'm sure you will have a party for them that they will never forget.
I pray that their visit with you will come soon.
There is no doubt in my mind that
you will be reunited with them eventually.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi Wallace,

I know this if frustrating for you. You want the best for you "little" girl. Even though she is a grown adult, she will always be your "little" girl. (my son's hate it when I call them my "baby" boys". They will always be that, even when they are 40 years old - Poor kids LOL)

As parents, we all want better for our kids than we had for ourselves. And the last thing we want is for them to make the same mistakes we did. We don't want them to get hurt from their decisions.

We made our mistakes, we know what or how we should have done something different. It would be great if we could pass that experience on to your kids so they don't repeat it.

The hardest thing to do as parents is sit back an watch our kids make mistakes. Especially when we know of a better or right way to do something. Even with the ages my kids are now, I find it very hard to step back and let them do things.

All you can do is keep the lines of communication open, and help her when it is time to pick up the pieces. I know of a handful of R that started out as living arrangements that worked out as a committed R. Most livin type R's failed within the first 5 years.

There is something to be said for that commitment you make. I learned that one the hard way. I hope I can pass this on to my kids.

Good luck with you D.

I agree with everyone else, you can't make a 19 y/o do anything!! I know, I helped raise my sister a bit in her teenage years.... but... you can pass along a few facts, and pieces of info to help her make an informed and wise decision!!!

For instance, does your daughter realize that far from improving the odds of a successful union, living together before marriage INCREASES the odds of divorce up to and perhaps beyond 85% instead of 50%?

By living together she is almost guaranteeing an unhappy outcome, which is paradoxically something she and her BF are trying to avoid.

Also, she is a role model right now. For people she doesn't even know -- her future children. How strong will her argument be to them when she wants THEM to stay in college and make the most of their lives???

I just found out that I am preg. for the first time, and H and I were using BC!! I just read that 50% of all children in the US were "unplanned"... (A very good reason to be on prenatal vitamins if you are childbearing age, luckily my pharmacist advised me to start a year and a half ago... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

The increased risk of divorce could also have dire impact on any future children. Divorce is devastating to many/most children, and you are right, no-one thinks that divorce or unplanned children can happen to them!!

There was a study done at Rutger University that you may want to do a search for on living together before marriage. The results are incredible. It is close to a national epidemic of mis-information concerning living together. Esp. with young men, they consider living together to improve the odds, sounds like common sense, but doesn't pan out with the numbers.

I myself have lived with H since before M and regret it, for many reasons. We are happy now, so it is possible to overcome, but we have worked very hard here at MB, and both have the same personality type which helps considerably.

Good luck, I think that all you can do is show her is love with boundaries. I applaud you for not condoning this. However, even when I acted like I wasn't listening as a teen, I always was, just used the info in my own time and way. So don't give up, she may listen, eventually.

-blueberry

I too have a 19 year-old daughter....

"Stand up and do the right thing, even if you're standing alone."

Parenting is one of the hardest things in life...but the MOST rewarding. My ex has totally different values than myself -- he's sleeping with his girlfriend --flaunting in front of the kids. The 19 year old of course can do the same... In my house, the rules are totally different. I lead my family by example.... but I can't *make* them obey. The one thing I practice through and through with her (even though I don't agree with many of her actions) is supporting her emotionally (she lives with dad). I don't agree with the behavior, but I am there when and if she needs me. That doesn't mean I bail her out of the consequences she gets herself into, I am *there* for her. I pray every day that she makes different choices (returns to college... becomes her own person) but I can't *make* her do anything. She's a young adult learning her own way in the world. All I can do is love and support her. You've done your work with her already. ..."since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another..." As hard as it is to let her go and let her fall (even though you KNOW the consequences of her actions)...it is HER choice to make.

Be there for her...love her...and PRAY.

<small>[ October 04, 2002, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Hi All,
Sue with hope...
You are so right, she will always be my "little girl" even when she is well into her forties.
It is very hard to just sit back and watch them go full steam ahead into something that has "ugly" written all over it.
Your parental instincts kick in... and your obligated to at least inform them of the choices they have, and what possible ramifications (if any) may be associated with those choices they are about to make.
I have left the lines of communication open for her... I am there if she needs me.
The door was left wide open for her to come back through... I have not closed that door... nor will I ever.
I pray everyday that I don't have to come pick up the pieces... I truly hope that everything works out for the best.
Thanks for listening.
blueberryskies...
During my one on one conversation with my daughter. I informed her of her chances of success with her new live-in relationship as well as how high the failure rate was for any type of a successful union leading to marriage.
Needless to say she was not concerned.
Glad to hear that you beat the odds, and you have a successful "M".
As you stated... most don't make it.
Your post has given me hope, that she will eventually come around.
Thank you for posting
Elan...
Your words are so true.
I thought parenting with your spouse was tough at times... being a single parent is very tough at times... I'm slowly finding out.
I'm learning as I go though.
Hopefully I don't make too many mistakes.
I will be there for her... and I will always love her... and I have been praying almost non-stop.
Stay Strong!
Wallace