Austin has finally made me mad.

After last week's verbal bashing, he has called me two times. Both times he was quiet and polite saying utterances like "have a nice day' and such.

Then he calls me yesterday and says how he wants me to sit down with him one day this week and "go over" the settlement to "see if we can do some of this ourselves to save money". Let's see...Is Austin capable of me trusting him without actions to back it up? NO.

Then friday night he calls and asks why I am at home still. Then gives me a suggestion of a mostly single's/sushi/place to be seen where I should go. I replied, "sure and been there. no big deal". I then said that my night with girls was saturday night..Threw him off.

He called on monday to say he had dropped off son at school and son threw up earlier. I said ok, and if I need to get hime earlier then I will just see patients and end day early. Thanked him for calling and I got off very quick on phone.

Both calls I have ended shortly but polite. This is unlike me as I am friendly with everybody including him usually unless he is in an irrational mood which has been somewhat prevalent lately.

So he IM's me again today. Saying he wanted to meet me thursday night. Said I could pick the place as he was going to have son for his mid week visit. Oh, I am so nice...Anyway, he says he will get a babysitter (probably does this alot)so we can meet and discuss the D. What is this poop? A date? Go to dinner and discuss THIS? I said that he could come over to my house probably more appropriate than at a restaurant in case I storm out or do something not cool in public.

He then IM's me and says that it would be about 9 pm after son goes to sleep. What does this guy think? That I am gonna let that s%x thing happen again...No way.

He went on and on saying how he was stressed out etc..I answered him like he answers me now. I agreed and this time I said that I wanted out of this and that I am sick of dealing with this cr@p anymore and that I have dealt with it since dec. of 2000 when ms. monkey reared her simian head and silicone lips that Austin still thinks must be real.

He ends conversation short. I IM'd him back saying that it was me now that wants out.

I sent him an email that says it all that I am sick of everything. I deserve to be loved and respected and that I am worthy...That I don't buy any of this anymore.

Arrrrrrgh!!!Arrrrggh! IF he can't do the right thing then i want out of this wrong situation for good. He is so foggy he is making me stutter. Pray for this guy because I am pulling back so much more than ever before.

He doesn't deserve me. I told him I wanted out now and that I am moving on. That he lost out and that after last week's verbal bashing with NO APOLOGY, that I am much better off. And ended with my saying that i am sorry I cannot find a politically correct term to use in order to bring about a warm and fuzzy feeling to the man who chose to break up a family for his own personal reasons.

Guess this plan A and B thing works. I have previously given him kindness with no validation of what he has done. THen after verbal bashing, I have gone back to a B. With no contact except for son. He then complains about our "limited contact". But B is in force now. He can't have any MORE CAKE. WHAT AM I...A BAKERY? A CHEF? Well, I can make good desserts, but NONE FOR AUSTIN ANYMORE UNTIL NO FOG AND THAT MAY NEVER HAPPEN...

NO MORE CAKE..NO MORE CAKE...NO MORE CAKE...CHANT WITH ME NOW FOLKS, NO MORE CAKE!!!!!!!

aRRRRRRRRGH! I don't even really like cake. Much prefer a good souffle or tiramisu. I even told him that I was moving on and MOVING ON IN FULL FORCE NOW. Austin wanted it and voila! He has received his freedom from me. Funny now, the way it stands here, I want my freedom as I have honestly earned it.

Arrrrrrgh!!!@ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hi NPIGA! You Go! I was wondering how much longer you were going to take his GARBAGE - sounds to me like there's 'trouble in (his) paradise' and now he doesn't like it. But of course, to him - NOTHING matters but how HE feels - never mind that he STOMPS all over you and your son because he wants to play. He apparently believes that 'you made the bed - now sleep in it' doesn't apply to him. Too bad, maybe one of these days he'll wake up, but you'll be gone.
Nice girls (women) may finish last, but they finish best! You will find Mr. Right who will treat you like a wife should be treated...
May God bless you, NPIGA.
Harold

I say congrats. I'm right behind you. I am sick and tired of all the hateful, hurtful comments and gestures. I can't even do something so simple as pull a door closed without him rolling his eyes to where they look like they'll get stuck in the back of his head. I like your "no more cake" idea. I have had it too. I am happy for you and almost envious that you have gotten to this point. I hope to be there tomorrow.
Free

Hey Peach Cobbler!

From now on, remember what you are saying tonight!! We too easily fall into the sympathy trap and let them suck us back into their crap.

Remember, they made this bed, ate their cake in it. Now let them wallow in all the crumbs!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If we feel like we are going to do something silly and give them their way...let's e-mail each other for a dope slap and knock some sense back into our heads!!! Is there a IM feature where a hand comes out of the screen and slaps you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FYI...try this new police skecth program to describe the monkey ho and see what type of picture the computer generates! http://PassThisOn.com/sketch/

See ya!!

Pete

Not sure if Austin received it yet but will check status.

Pete,that is hilarious! Looks just like her..Awesome idea!

FI--thank you. You will be here shortly,as I am 14 months out now and D day 2nd anniversary is two days before Christmas.

TMMO: Thanks so much. I will not eat crumbs from their cake anymore and especially never in bed again..lol!

I am just so mad at him b/c the fog is also cruel to normal, kind people like BS's.

Peachy Not - you are going through a tough time too. I know, my stbxwh was doing the same. It is a control issue, and they are losing control of what you do and who you are.

I was so mad at my H, so angry with him, so outright hurtful by what he did. But now I can look back, and see that he is aman with this guilt that he has to carry the rest of his life. I know that I was a faithful good wife, woman, mother. He is the one who has to wear the big Red label on his forhead, with the big red A(affair).

I feel sorry for him, and now see him with different eyes. I can't say I like his actions still, but he is a man in need of God in his heart. He is a man with the fogg.. still sitting on his shoulders.

Most men who are WH want their cake and eat it too. Let them eat it, don't eat the crumbs, and don't sweep the crumbs off the bed for them. They made their bed, let them lie in the bed and fuss with all the crumbs.

You have to work on yourself. I found being in the First step Program for battered wifes is really helping. I joined a new church, 3 weeks ago, and found it to be a wonderful group. It is a small gathering, the church is not built yet, but there is a great group of people attending. The pastor is a wonderful speaker, and his family is so loving.

I have invited the kids to go with me, hopefully they will attend this coming Sunday. I might even invited SNL to come too. Well see, I love the church and the sermons are so good.

Go out with your friends. Take and go buy something wonderful just for you. I am making an appt. with the hairdresser, for the next week, to get my hair trimmed again, and colored. It is called the cap coloring, so it is not all one color, it lets the lighter strands be lighter, and the darker ones be darker. I am a light brown, dark blond, and have gray coming in, and hair is getting moussey shade to it. The coloring makes it shine, bounce, and I feel so different with the added attention to my looks.

Also, I started to paint my toenails, and fingernails. Just work on yourself, and make yourself as beautiful as you can afford, and want to. Be happy, and enjoy the days that God gives to us.

Have a wonderful day, and will keep viewing your posts. Cry2much (should change my name) not crying hardly ever, actually being happy some days with a real happiness deep inside.

Well Peachy,

I can't say that I am happy that this occured, because I understand the feelings that go along with the realization that this may truly be the end. I know the feelings of guilt that I had for my children when I realized that no matter what she did, that even for them I didn't think that I could make it work. She had cut so many strings for me that finally she cut one of the last strings with her stupid defensive attack about asking before talking to the kids about taking them on the other person's weekend.

I know how it is when it all comes crashing down. You feel great because you feel much more free, not completely free, but in a whole new place. A place where your whole goal is no longer to preserve a realationship with someone who is unworthy and absolutely hurtful. When the realization that the person that you continued to want to see is no longer the person sitting in front of you. When you ask the question, Would you marry this person who you know now? And the answer comes crashing down... Not on your life!!!

It is scary and exhilarating all at once. You realize that all the energy that you were putting into the other person can now be used in so many more useful and deserving ways. Such as cleaning the dustbunnies out from under the Refrigerator. (I say this because I think that it is more useful than putting energy into the Wayward spouse at this point.)

I agree that at least for a while you should really stick to this plan. Even if you find that you do not want to continue it after a while, I suspect that you will loose all gains and respect from him if you chould fold early. I have faith, and while I wish it weren't required to be so, I hope that you will have strength to continue this path should your situation not improve.

My opinion is that he will not change in any appreciable time. I cannot believe that you stood for this for so long. I am proud and amazed. You have truly done all that could ever be asked. I realized in a much shorter period, however, I feel absolutely confident. I guess my whole point has been Can I hold my head up when I speak of my divorce? Will I be able to look my sons in the eye when they are teenagers or adults and tell them the story of my shortfalls and changes. Can I tell them that I forgave and worked as much as was humanly possible? Can I say that I worked to preserve their family beyond all else? Did I put anything above them and my family?

I can unabashedly answer each of these while looking them dead in the eye with nothing but truth upon my tongue. That was the point in which I found peace. That was the point that she lost all power over me. When I realized that nothing short of God himself could bring us back together.

Have comfort my lady. Take heart in your new life. You have stored up so much anger over the last two years trying not to Love Bust that these next few weeks or even months may be tumultuous as you find that you no longer have to watch your tongue and are able to give voice to your feelings. I would recommend that you still try to keep peace, because war will only cause you pain in the end. Don't give in on your agreement, but also don't fight for the simple act of fighting, because once again, the gains will be far less that the pain in many circumstances.

Take care of yourself and your boy. We are hear for you in all aspects. Keep your head up. Be proud but be humble. Take the high road for yourself. You may feel the desire to lash out now that your "chains" of Plan A are broken, but be careful. I only email my wife because I found that eveytime she spoke to me, she attacked me. I even had to tell her to quite attacking me via clandestine means in her emails. she is so passive aggressive it is sad that she can't allow herself to recognize this aspect of her character. She sees it so much in her mother, but refuses to see it in herself. And she wonders why she is so miserable at school with everybody "attacking" her. Oh well, I have tried to help her see the other point of view for 14 years but it is no longer my problem. I did it out of love and respect. I no longer have any of either directed at her.

You may end up in this place and I must say that it is a very healing place to be. My counselor said, "Everytime you talk with her, just expect her to attack and be hostile. That way you will be prepared when it happens. Then you will not feel so badly when she does just what you expected anyway." And you know, that little bit of obvious advice has really saved me over the past few weeks.

PEACHY-

Thanks for posting this thread- you know that I'm experiencing something similar with my EX at the moment, and it helps to see what others are going through- it helps me to stay objective about the whole thing.
Your stbx is putting you through ENORMOUS conflict, I can sense this this. On the one hand, you see the person that you loved & married, and on the other, the totally unrepentant, disrespectful, manipulative, non-apologetic buffoon, whose own needs seem to fill his brain so much, there's room for little else. This is SO much like my ex at the moment: I forgot to say in my earlier thread- when she called me up to want to discuss things (AGAIN), after she had knowledge that GF & I had split, she then asked, so where shall we go? This bar, that restaurant, etc., I asked " what for? Are we going to discuss something for that long? Why can't we discuss at your place?"

Anyway, when I got there, she was DRESSED TO KILL, obviously ready for a night on the town. My feeling was, she had planned on the 2 of us going out, either to prove to GF that she & I were still having a thing (I don't know about this), or to exert power over me, and maybe end up having sex with me, since this is how she bargains. Never mind decency, respecting my wishes, or apologizing for whatever, just sex. Then SHE accuses ME of thinking she is a SLUT? Yes, she actually said so. She said that that was all that I was interested in her for. I reminded her, that after her last A while we were married, I suggested that we abstain from sex, to see what it was that we had together, that sex had a way of confusing things. SHE refused at the time.

We misunderstand each other SO much, it's hard for me to determine if she's really so manipulative, or if she's just so hopelessly without the tools for dealing with these issues, like facing & dealing with guilt, apologizing, respecting, etc. It's as if she's afraid that if she admitted to anything, I'd hold it over her head forever (not true).

I just seem to sense something similar with you & your stbx. He asks you why you're still at home, but won't just come out and say plainly, that he's insanely jealous at the thought of you with anyone else. It's as if he wishes it for you, so the 2 of you can be "even". I.e, he no longer has to apologise for his actions, or infidelity. It's a quick-fix way of them trying to deal with the guilt. I think your stbx & my EX have the same problem. She professes that she is "OK" with my relationship with GF (duh? That's mighty generous of her, don't you think?), yet when I have it, she interferes to such an extent as to cause it's destruction.(?). Why don't they realize that we simply need them to be honest & open about things ( a bit of remorse would help too), and just MAYBE it could happen again? I think they perceive that to come into the relationship on that basis, would rob them of any power in the relationship, and they can't have that.

I would really like to have the opinions of ex WS's on that one. What do we have to say, or do, in order for the ex WS to reconcile without losing too much face? It seems as if all we say or do just results in more of the same each time. I'd really like to know.

muzohead

ArrrrghARRRRRRRRgh!

Austin just replied to my email. He attempted to call me on my cell today but I did not answer it. He says he is actually sorry about the other week when his horrible words reduced me to sobbing for hours.

He says he is sorry for all. ALL? I emailed him back and replied..He says he still wants to meet me tomorrow night. To work on the divorce stuff. I said I would do so but need after that to be away from him. Said that this is too painful for me and that I want to get away from all this sin, all these lies, and all the horrible betrayals he put me and our son through. Then he went on to say that he was a good dad and that he spends quality time with our son. That I am not the only parent. I understand the part about not being the only parent, but DOES A GOOD DAD LEAVE FOR SEVERAL DAYS ON END WITH ANOTHER WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE WHILE EACH DAY HIS PRECIOUS SON WOULD WAKE UP SCREAMING FOR HIM??? I then said to him that he can take his liberal, feel good warm and fuzzy GOOD DIVORCE logic and flush it down the crapper.

Then he had the audacity to say that it sounds like I have met a really nice guy. I said in my email to him when I first let it fly, that "I won't even to know how to feel or how to act when I do meet a really nice guy because of all of this poop". He then goes on and says that "I should be careful because the other guys may not be as good as he is"...CAN SOMEBODY GIVE ME A REALITY CHECK??? NOT ALL MEN ARE CHEATERS, LIARS AND SELFISH b@@@STARDS...NOT ALL MEN CAN RATIONALIZE THEIR MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES AWAY AND IN FACT I KNOW NOW MANY (ALOT HERE) AND ELSEWHERE THAT ARE HONEST, HARD WORKING AND TRUTH LOVING AWESOME PEOPLE.

So I told him that I wanted no further contact after tomorrow from him unless he was to re reroute his life. That or no banana. And if he waits too long, It will be his loss. That I would rather be alone than face this anymore and that God will protect son and I. Oh, and I told him that I don't think God is a liberal type power who will accept any old excuse just so a human can feel good about being selfish and breaking both man's laws as well as God's.

I do not want to see him tomorrow but know that I need to see his game plan for the divorce. If I can do this logically , I will turn around on Friday and present his stuff to my attorney and let her fly with it. But I also expressed my disapproval of his financial agreement with me so far and how the temporary settlement is inded unfair.

Austin is not going to get his way with me anymore. I told him God is the one who can resurrect things and I've left it up to him. That he lost someone pretty great. That he may lose more than me in the years to come if this unabashed and less than remorseful selfish guy keeps on inhabiting his body.

Sorry about this...I am more than mad. Will you pray for me? It has taken almost two years of this for me to be at this point. I was crying as I emailed him back tonight. I am not going to put myself through this anymore. Have to draw the boundary for myself. Pull back and build a wall. I would truly rather be divorced and alone living the ok life as a single mom than have to ride this roller coaster one more day. Plan B is in effect and I will let him see best side of me tomorrow because then it is full B and all bets are off. Leave him with the warning and a last good memory of me before the door is shut.

He has asked for this. I said to him that this was HIS CHOICE AND HE HAS TO LIVE WITH HIS CONSEQUENCES. And that SORRY IS SHOWN BY ONE'S ACTIONS. IF HE WERE SORRY THEN HE WOULD TURN HIS LIFE AROUND.

Enough said. I am spent. Had a great day otherwise. Met my buddy from back home. Actually have an old girlfriend who just moved here. She is also a victim of adultery adn her first H did almost the same to her. She is so kind. She told me tonight all about her finace. She just got engaged to a great guy who is successful and even more attractive than her first husband. When she met him, he asked her why she got a divorce. She is very pretty and in great shape and very smart. He couldn't believe it when she said that her husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant. He said and says on a daily basis how lucky he is that HER XH SCREWED UP OR HE WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN BLESSED WITH HER IN HIS LIFE.

Just goes to show you that when you live right we will be blessed. We will love again one day. But we will do it smarter and better this next time. And don't get me wrong, I would love for our WS's to change and for our M's to be restored but know that sometimes sin just keeps on keeping on and that the fog is really thick as pea soup.

But I still do pray.

Guess this plan A and B thing works. I have previously given him kindness with no validation of what he has done. THen after verbal bashing, I have gone back to a B. With no contact except for son. He then complains about our "limited contact". But B is in force now.
Did you ever send a pLan B letter? If not then you are in Plan I (as in ignore).

The whole idea of Plan B is to keep you from having to deal with him in any way. And you should go to Plan B BEFORE you get sick & tired (angry & pissed off) of him/his games.

Chris, you are right. But he reacted in a really strange way today to my email of last night..Please read my new post and somewhat vent. I need advice from those out here and the A and B experts.

Right now I don't think I ever want to see him again. I mean this now.